Do you secretly resent DH for not making enough money for you to be a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I resent it and not always so secretly. We had always planned on me staying at home but my career took off when his didn't. He makes less than half of what I do and his salary barely covers daycare. He's just not suited to be a SAHD though and if he did SAH, I would probably be extremely jealous.

Ugh! This is me too. Though I don't let DH know I resent it. I think the fact is that I also do 90% of the housework / childcare on top of being the breadwinner and having a much more demanding job than DH.

But for those who say that people like me should have planned better, this situation wasn't something I saw coming. When we met and ultimately married, DH had a solid career and was making twice what I was. But he suffers from depression (also something that emerged after we married) and that has zapped his ambition. Meanwhile, my career took off. It's tough. I'd love to be a SAHM or at least work part time. But it's not an option. And DH brings in slightly more than what daycare costs but he'd make a terrible SAHD.

[Anonymous]

I do resent DH for not making more money. I SAH for a year but ultimately had to go back to work as it wasn't financially viable for us to continue on only his income. SAH was far easier than WOH. Now I not only do most of the childcare and housework, but also work 45+ hours a week at my job. But part time isn't an option in my field and the $150K I bring in every year does matter to our family finances. But I wish I had the choice not to work or to go PT.

[Anonymous]

"
"It is more a developmental difference. My 5 or 6 kids have the independence, skills and development to be gone all day. the first few years of a child's life are when they learn 90% of everything they will ever know and it establishes the foundation of who they will be as a person so developmentally it is a big difference. I wouldn't put my 2 yr old on a bus and send them away for the day - developmentally not appropriate. My five year old - sure. "

My kids have been away from both parents 45 to 50 hours a week since the age of three months. I can't see any ill effects in them compared to their friends who grew up with a SAHP from birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"

My kids have been away from both parents 45 to 50 hours a week since the age of three months. I can't see any ill effects in them compared to their friends who grew up with a SAHP from birth.

NP. Not in favor of SAHM over WOH, but this logic is faulty to me and I hear it a lot from WOH parents. You cannot compare outcomes because you cannot do it twice (raise your kid.) And you can't compare to other kids because there are so many other variables that factor in.

Its like the "babies on formula do just fine' from mothers who choose not to breastfeed - so why breastfeed? Are all kids who were formula fed obese, not as smart, not attached, etc? no - so why do so many mothers bother? Are kids whose lives are not supplemented with dance, music, soccer, academic camps, fill in the blank classes destined to work at McDonald's? Of course not. Why do we bother then?
Why do we bother to do anything that we think is good for our kids if said thing does not guarantee a specific outcome?

If parents believe that being a SAHM or SAHD will benefit their kid, they are often faced with the 'you're wasting your time, it makes no difference bc I WOH and my kids are doing great" line or the defensive, "what are you saying about MY kids then??!" from WOH parents.

I agree that kids can do great in many, many different kinds of scenarios. But does this mean, then that SAHPs are necessarily wasting their time for choosing this path?

[Anonymous]

"I agree that kids can do great in many, many different kinds of scenarios. But does this mean, then that SAHPs are necessarily wasting their time for choosing this path?"

Yes.

[Anonymous]

I recently started to SAH when my 2nd child was born, after WOH in a demanding career (equally demanding to how my DH's job was at that time and is now). I am a little scared about eventually finding something to do work-wise once my kids are in school. But SAH is awesome and I would be a little resentful if I really wanted this opportunity and our situation didn't allow me to take it. DH is probably a little jealous that I get to spend more time parenting than he does, but all in all we are very secure in the fact that our children will have one full time parent in this crucial stage in their development and one parent who is present and very involved as much as he can be considering work (rather than 2 parents who are present and involved as much as they can be considering their work schedules). My older child was in a wonderful child care situation while I was still working (from 6 months to 2 years old), but there's no comparison for my own peace of mind to me being home with them. My main thing is even if they turned out beautifully after spending 40-50 hours/week in childcare away from their parents, I never want to have the regret that I missed their childhoods. No part of me believes that there is any chance that they could turn out worse for my staying home with them rather than them being in full time child care. My DH works as much now as he did when we had full time childcare, but he definitely feels more connected to their days when I am SAH than he did when we had our previous childcare, b/c, as a PP indicated, I keep in touch with him very regularly throughout the day and in a much more personal way than our old childcare could have or did (even though they were great). For us, the bottom line is that, while we do believe it can't hurt/might help our kids growth and development in these crucial years for one of us to be a full time parent, I was really motivated to do it in no small part for my own (and DH's) peace of mind. I would probably resent it if I didn't have the chance to do this.

[Anonymous]

Do you secretly resent DW for not being hot enough for you to be a one woman guy?

/opposite'd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I agree that kids can do great in many, many different kinds of scenarios. But does this mean, then that SAHPs are necessarily wasting their time for choosing this path?"

Yes.

That is the same as saying that breastfeeding is wasting your time because kids who are formula fed grow up to be healthy and happy. Or that having two parents is insignificant because kids from single parent homes grow up to be healthy and happy.

[Anonymous]

I resent my husband for not letting me stay at home with our DD. I just want to stay at home for the first couple of years. I'd go back once I find a better job and but she is our first and he want to have three to four kids, So I really can't do it. I really don't make enough money and actually spend more going to work once we pay the babysitter then I make. He says he married a working girl and he wants me to stay that way. I love working but lets face it nothing is more important than my DD. The fact we aren't making anything and I don't get to spend the quality time with my child is crazy. I feel sad and depressed while at work. I just wanna scream! He expects to much out of me. Plus my husband never gets up with her during the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I resent my husband for not letting me stay at home with our DD. I just want to stay at home for the first couple of years. I'd go back once I find a better job and but she is our first and he want to have three to four kids, So I really can't do it. I really don't make enough money and actually spend more going to work once we pay the babysitter then I make. He says he married a working girl and he wants me to stay that way. I love working but lets face it nothing is more important than my DD. The fact we aren't making anything and I don't get to spend the quality time with my child is crazy. I feel sad and depressed while at work. I just wanna scream! He expects to much out of me. Plus my husband never gets up with her during the night.

From your description, your husband sounds completely unreasonable. Now that you have a child, you might consider becoming a woman, instead of a girl, and standing up for yourself.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I made the decision when we bought our first house to buy something that we could afford on only one salary because we planned to have children in a few years.

It was important to us that if we were going to have children, then we were going to raise those children ourselves, not contract it out for a good part of each day.

Over the past five years we have ended up, due to market conditions, taking turns on being the breadwinner. It has meant driving older cars, not taking expensive vacations, and not living in the upper income neighborhoods, but we have given our best to our children at the time when we felt they needed it most.

If you want to stay at home and raise your own children, don't blame your husband for not making enough money, change your lifestyle and re-evaluate your priorities. There will always be time enough later to move to the bigger house, but the early years with your children will never occur again.

[Anonymous]

I resent by husband for not making at least a little more so I can get a job I actually enjoy. I have a REALLY stressful job that pays $100K a year and my husband has a pretty fun, rarely stressful job (playing golf) making $40K a year. I hate my job and literally dread every morning when I have to go to work. I probably work 60 hours a week and he works 40. He's a great guy and does a lot for me but I feel like he could put more effort into advancing his career. I'm about to have a baby and the fact that I won't be able to see my child much during the work week makes me really sad and also bitter. I wish I could work part-time, but that's not even an option. I'd have to go to another industry and pretty much start over.

[Anonymous]

I work weekends and two nights a week while my husband works during the day, If you want to stay home there are things you can do to make money. For example, buy things for cheap and resell them for more on Craigslist: we make really good money doing this, work hours while the kids are sleeping, start a cleaning service and hire others to do the cleaning, you set up the services.
It takes some creativity, but I have always managed to stay home through the years and still produce an income.

[Anonymous]

Yup, and I'm pretty vocal about it, i.e.

"Why didn't you do better in school so I wouldn't have to do anything waaahhhhhh,"

and his response is always

"Why didn't you just marry a rich guy?"

and my response is

"Because I was stupid and had low self-esteem!"

Sometimes it's better to just say these things out loud and hear how silly they sound, then resentment doesn't quite build up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, and I'm pretty vocal about it, i.e.

"Why didn't you do better in school so I wouldn't have to do anything waaahhhhhh,"

and his response is always

"Why didn't you just marry a rich guy?"

and my response is

"Because I was stupid and had low self-esteem!"

Sometimes it's better to just say these things out loud and hear how silly they sound, then resentment doesn't quite build up.

is this s joke?