If you had an affair with a married person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Ow after she was dumped said part of their fights were because he always talked so highly of me and she was jealous of me and the way he loved me. While she was in a bad marriage and wanted out.

So, of course, I pointed out the irony of being jealous of someone whose husband is cheating on her.

Strange conversations indeed.

You had conversations with your husband’s mistress about her marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Ow after she was dumped said part of their fights were because he always talked so highly of me and she was jealous of me and the way he loved me. While she was in a bad marriage and wanted out.

So, of course, I pointed out the irony of being jealous of someone whose husband is cheating on her.

Strange conversations indeed.

You had conversations with your husband’s mistress about her marriage?

One brief conversation was had- she mentioned it. And it’s what I was told as well. No idea if she ever divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Ow after she was dumped said part of their fights were because he always talked so highly of me and she was jealous of me and the way he loved me. While she was in a bad marriage and wanted out.

So, of course, I pointed out the irony of being jealous of someone whose husband is cheating on her.

Strange conversations indeed.

Wait wait wait. This was the exact quote from another thread a couple days ago but in reverse. So either we have a troll or both the AP and the wife are posting about their scenario within days of each other!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Ow after she was dumped said part of their fights were because he always talked so highly of me and she was jealous of me and the way he loved me. While she was in a bad marriage and wanted out.

So, of course, I pointed out the irony of being jealous of someone whose husband is cheating on her.

Strange conversations indeed.

Wait wait wait. This was the exact quote from another thread a couple days ago but in reverse. So either we have a troll or both the AP and the wife are posting about their scenario within days of each other!!!

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/15/1134680.page

Yep! Comment 15:50. It’s almost like we have a troll writing the MANY affair related posts and sock puppeting. These two perspectives are just too similar as the mirror image of the other. Can Jeff confirm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. No kids, so no feelings there.
2. Did not feel bad for the spouse. The person was known to have multiple affairs, including in his prior marriage, so the spouse should have known there will be more.
3. No bad wishes for the spouse - it was never my intention to “steal” him or have anything permanent with him, so I was not interested in him getting a divorce or worse.

Wow, your number 2 is something!

She married a slimeball, so should not be surprised when he is scummy. Almost like you blame her!!

What does say about YOU that you also chose to be intimate with this guy?

How sad that neither of you thought you deserved any better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out my husband cheated and was devastated but before going through with the divorce realized I’m better off staying married and keeping my 4 healthy kids, beautiful home and high HHI. I’m okay with more of a business partnership now.

Ycch.

How awful for your children to have a role model who traded her self esteem and happiness for a lifestyle.

A lying, unfaithful father and a bitter, transactional mom. No love or trust between them. Living a charade.

How can you possibly consider that a “healthy” environment for children to grow up in?

[Anonymous]

Well, I was married too so there’s that. Both of us stated up front that we would never entertain the thought of leaving our spouses. We only ever spoke kindly of our spouses and that part didn’t bother me at all. But yes, I did feel sick to my stomach if I caught sight of her. I knew what I was doing was wrong and most times I felt worse about her than my own spouse.

We grew to be very fond of each other and there were some bittersweet moments on top of all the passion. We knew he was moving away in 2 years so it ended when he left. It was an awful thing to do, but to be honest, where we both were in our lives, we kind of needed it to move past some really tough stuff. It solidified for each of us that we really do have to go home and work hard on our families. We were different enough that I know he appreciated what he had at home and so did I. We would make terrible life partners for each other. But damn were the highs just so crazy high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found out my husband cheated and was devastated but before going through with the divorce realized I’m better off staying married and keeping my 4 healthy kids, beautiful home and high HHI. I’m okay with more of a business partnership now.

Ycch.

How awful for your children to have a role model who traded her self esteem and happiness for a lifestyle.

A lying, unfaithful father and a bitter, transactional mom. No love or trust between them. Living a charade.

How can you possibly consider that a “healthy” environment for children to grow up in?

Spoken like someone with a lot of internalized misogyny and not a lot of life experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found out my husband cheated and was devastated but before going through with the divorce realized I’m better off staying married and keeping my 4 healthy kids, beautiful home and high HHI. I’m okay with more of a business partnership now.

Ycch.

How awful for your children to have a role model who traded her self esteem and happiness for a lifestyle.

A lying, unfaithful father and a bitter, transactional mom. No love or trust between them. Living a charade.

How can you possibly consider that a “healthy” environment for children to grow up in?

Oh shut it, judgy mcjudgerson. Who says she traded her self esteem for anything, it should be intact since she did nothing wrong. Sounds like she made a sound choice for herself and her kids and it’s up to her, not you, to decide what it means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Affairs are very much about getting scraps/breadcrumbs of love and I think pp understands that. that dynamic is why they happen- you don’t think you need or deserve better than someone’s scraps. For me I just thought I wanted something sexual and when I started feeling things for the person I went into a complete panic, because I wanted whatever they could give me and I knew it would end terribly.

Not necessarily true. You can live with a man for 20 years and have no idea how he is capable to love someone else. He gives himself all to the AP. In this case, it is the wife who gets scraps. But it also depends on your values. I value true feelings and a moment. If you value your house, retirement account, and other assets, then maybe you are correct, the AP is getting scraps. But putting finances aside, I think AP is getting a true and genuine relationship (assuming the man is open that he is married).

Scraps. Hmmm. Can a man give all of himself to someone he sees in a hotel room for 40 min once or twice a month? I'm serious. Is he all in when he has never eaten a meal in public with the AP? Never been there when she's sick or spent a holiday together? Can't freely talk on the phone? He has to leave separately or have her duck her head in the car. Nobody he truly cares about has ever met her (when people are in love THEY WANT EVERYONE to know). Hasn't met his parents.

I think there is a lot of delusion in many of these posts. But, the type of women that get into affairs usually have some form of histrionic personality disorder. They need drama.

My guy and I talk more to each other more than to our spouses. We chat all day during the workday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheat because I don’t want to break up my marriage due to the kids. I love my DH, but I am not in love with him and I need intimacy and he refuses to provide that.

I give the married man I am with something that’s missing in his marriage. Neither one of us wants to get a divorce and we both wished that we would have met each other during different circumstances.

I totally 100% understand how you feel this way and many others will. The piece you are missing though is how you would feel if your husband discovered it.

And do you feel this is a healthy home environment for kids to learn from (cheating/lying mom, who is not in love with their father. Gets her intimacy needs met outside of the family. ) Don’t you think that is going to screw them up??? You are kidding yourself, big time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't know he was married. There was no ring indent on his finger or tan line. His phone lock screen was basic without any family photos. His phone background was the same. He was never distracted while with me or flighty, making excuses for why he needed to take a phone call or cut a date short. When we were together, we were 100% together. He spent the night with me, we vacationed together, and I met his brother (supposedly? Who knows - he told me his only family was a brother.). He was active on social media with friends!

I found out in the most random way, too. He was my plus one for a colleague's wedding. Another guest at that wedding knew his wife.

When the truth came out, he was basically living a double life. His work brought him to the DC area but he lived in Philly, which I never knew. I thought he lived in DC full time and traveled from here for work to other areas (Philly, Newark, Boston, NYC). His apartment here in DC was really an apartment owned by his office. I still don't understand how someone could live their life with so many lies about everything. Looking at everything he did, all the lies he told and the stories he had to keep straight, it just seems so exhausting. We were together for just under 18 months, too.

I didn't date for about 2 years after that and I still have some major trust issues. Even in my case where I had no idea, his wife was SO upset with me. She harassed me on social media and some of her friends & family did as well. She texted me from 3 different numbers and I had to block them all. It was crazy. I felt worse for her when everything came out than in the weeks following it all coming out because so much of her anger was directed at me instead of him, which still baffles me. I thought I had him blocked on all social media but about a year or so ago one of his friends that I had friended on Instagram (and forgotten about) posted some photos from a kid's bday party and there the guy was WITH his wife, so they worked things out.

Poor her.

Unhealthy enough to stay with a pathological liar, and let him be his children’s male role model. Great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cheat because I don’t want to break up my marriage due to the kids. I love my DH, but I am not in love with him and I need intimacy and he refuses to provide that.

I give the married man I am with something that’s missing in his marriage. Neither one of us wants to get a divorce and we both wished that we would have met each other during different circumstances.

I totally 100% understand how you feel this way and many others will. The piece you are missing though is how you would feel if your husband discovered it.

And do you feel this is a healthy home environment for kids to learn from (cheating/lying mom, who is not in love with their father. Gets her intimacy needs met outside of the family. ) Don’t you think that is going to screw them up??? You are kidding yourself, big time.

The whole narrative of how a parent’s affair screws the kids up is ridiculous. My dad had an affair with my aunt (his sister in law), and they ended up marrying. My aunt is now my step mom now. Big whoop. You learn to live with it. My dad is so much happier than he was with my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever feel bad for the spouse (and/or kids)? How did you reconcile entering someone else’s family like that.

Did you wish he/she would divorce or die so in your mind you could end up with them?

I’ve heard some really awful things from OW so just wondering anonymously what let you cross that line?

I got hit in a lot by married co-workers and others and my mind always went to their wife. I never wanted to do that to another woman, even ones I didn’t know. If things got heated, I’d distance and put up a wall. Things just don’t happen….

I worked in a hospital several years ago. One of the nurses went aggressively after a guy who was in a prestigious radiology fellowship. He was married with kids and his wife had supported him all through med school and residency, but he chose to break his vows. The nurse got pregnant and became wife #2. She’s popped out 2 more kids and is enjoying the good life now.

How good could her life be when it all revolves around a creep that she found so easy to seduce away from his family.

She knows the quality of the man she “landed.”

Clearly no prize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, at one miserable point in my miserable marriage, I began sexting with men online. It was fun and I personally didn’t consider it cheating, just more of a pretend fantasy.

Eventually I landed on a married man and it was awful from start to finish. For one thing, he was funny and smart and sweet and we had a lot in common. I had feelings for him and pretended I didn’t. From what he told me, his marriage was less catastrophic than mine but I still believe it was bad. He admitted his wife wasn’t a bad person but that she refused to do marriage counseling with him and they only had sex 2-3 times per year. Maybe true, maybe not. I don’t think he had much reason to lie, honestly, some woman you are sexting with online is not going to be a paragon of virtue needing a lot of moral justification.

I did think about his wife and kids and felt awful about the whole thing the whole time. I liked him so much and I knew it was going to escalate and there could be no good outcome, so I slowly disengaged and eventually blocked him.

You describe a man like this as “sweet?”