He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just returned from 2 weeks in Italy. I left my kids with the ex. I outearn him. I love my career. I love my house. My name is the one on the mortgage. There is life after divorce from a lying cheater. It sucks getting through it, but it really does get better. I never wanted to lose 50% of time with my kids, but I fill that time with more work or more play. It's not all bad. I'd rather have female friends than an unreliable man any day.

WoW!!!!!!!! go u!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It isn't theoretical but very real damage. I'd love to know whether any of the posters who claim kids are not affected negatively by cheating have actually asked children how they feel once they find out. Because most of them will find out. And it will affect them.

Cheating does not affect kids. A bad divorce affects kids. Someone can cheat and you can still managed to have a good divorce if you’re able to put the kids first and then it doesn’t affect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Op here. Yes

OP I'm a doc too. My H also cheated. As you consider your options, remember that practicing medicine allows us economic freedom to make the choices we need to. I'm so sorry your H disappointed you. I got out because I could. I can't imagine not having the freedom to make that choice. You will do what's best for you and your children but remember that our careers give us options. You don't have to live with deception. If he's a good father he'll still be a good father, even if he's a bad husband. Above all: you didn't cause this.

Thank you for the moral support. I know I am fortunate to have options and be financially secure. I just don't want my kids to grow up with divorced parents. The thought kills me. I know people do it everyday. But I just can't imagining bringing that pain on my children and would do anything to avoid it. I feel sick and like everything I have tried to build in my life has just gone up in flames.

DP. Please think about how "staying together for the kids" can have the opposite effect than you want it to have. Normalizing cheating (they will find out at some point and be devastated, even if they're adults at the time). Normalizing the woman accepting cheating. If he can get immediate and intensive treatment for addiction and afterward stop cheating and stay faithful, maybe there's a shot. But your kids might end up wondering why on Earth you stayed.

A lot of posts over the years on DCUM from adults who wished their parents had divorced.

Kids should not know about cheating whether the couple stays married or divorced. It would be perfectly fine for her to stay married and not tell her kids about cheating. It’s also fine to get divorced and not tell your kids about cheating. They are only five and eight years old and they shouldn’t know about cheating at this point anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It isn't theoretical but very real damage. I'd love to know whether any of the posters who claim kids are not affected negatively by cheating have actually asked children how they feel once they find out. Because most of them will find out. And it will affect them.

Cheating does not affect kids. A bad divorce affects kids. Someone can cheat and you can still managed to have a good divorce if you’re able to put the kids first and then it doesn’t affect them.

What a bunch of garbage. Yes, a bad divorce hurts kids but your selfish azz lying and saying it doesn't hurt your kids is narcissistic delusion.

[Anonymous]

Until you decide OP, avoid sex with him if you are in fault state. It can negate infidelity. Had 2 friends go through this. And you’re smart to spend time gathering information before confrontation.

[Anonymous]

I never told my kids about the cheating, not even now that they are in college and grad school. I found out and kicked now exDH out 15+ years ago, so they were so little, of course I wouldn’t have said anything to them.

But, TBH, telling them at some point in middle school in a neutral way (Daddy wanted to see other women while we were married and I didn’t agree with that so we separated) would have been a lot better than keeping his secret. Kids have questions and when they don’t get honest answers, they make up answers - often incorrect ones. My kids made a lot of assumptions about their Dad, how loveable they were and, also, about me and why we were divorced. Some of those mistaken assumptions sort of self-corrected along the way as the children grew older but not before causing a lot of damage to their self-esteem and their concepts about interpersonal relationships.

They still have an incorrect understanding of why we divorced, and TBH, it is really effing up their view of what a healthy relationship is and the value and risks of marriage and having kids.

The whole assumption that kids should or will never know about the cheating is very flawed, IME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be: less money, less time, loss of friends, being treated as less-than by just about everybody, constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything, no one to help you if you’re tired or sick, inability to travel. Inability to take on extra work, possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids, an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children, while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids. It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.

Hate to say it, but this was true for a friend. She filed. He was previously a very involved dad. Coached their teams, went to every parent-teacher conference, etc. Not long after the divorce he started dating, and not long after that he met a much younger woman who lived in another state. They got married, he moved, he got his vasectomy reversed and they had more kids. He contributes the court ordered minimum and nothing more. He still cares about his older kids, but he's pulled in two different directions and understandable there's more in it for him to keep the new wife happy. Friend found a new guy, but she single parented 3 teens for a long time, and the new guy has even more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It isn't theoretical but very real damage. I'd love to know whether any of the posters who claim kids are not affected negatively by cheating have actually asked children how they feel once they find out. Because most of them will find out. And it will affect them.

Cheating does not affect kids. A bad divorce affects kids. Someone can cheat and you can still managed to have a good divorce if you’re able to put the kids first and then it doesn’t affect them.

You cheater are wildly insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be: less money, less time, loss of friends, being treated as less-than by just about everybody, constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything, no one to help you if you’re tired or sick, inability to travel. Inability to take on extra work, possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids, an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children, while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids. It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.

Hate to say it, but this was true for a friend. She filed. He was previously a very involved dad. Coached their teams, went to every parent-teacher conference, etc. Not long after the divorce he started dating, and not long after that he met a much younger woman who lived in another state. They got married, he moved, he got his vasectomy reversed and they had more kids. He contributes the court ordered minimum and nothing more. He still cares about his older kids, but he's pulled in two different directions and understandable there's more in it for him to keep the new wife happy. Friend found a new guy, but she single parented 3 teens for a long time, and the new guy has even more kids.

Your advice is to stay with the guy who abandoned his kids. Lol! You chicks in bad marriages can do all kinds of mental gymnastics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be: less money, less time, loss of friends, being treated as less-than by just about everybody, constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything, no one to help you if you’re tired or sick, inability to travel. Inability to take on extra work, possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids, an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children, while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids. It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.

Hate to say it, but this was true for a friend. She filed. He was previously a very involved dad. Coached their teams, went to every parent-teacher conference, etc. Not long after the divorce he started dating, and not long after that he met a much younger woman who lived in another state. They got married, he moved, he got his vasectomy reversed and they had more kids. He contributes the court ordered minimum and nothing more. He still cares about his older kids, but he's pulled in two different directions and understandable there's more in it for him to keep the new wife happy. Friend found a new guy, but she single parented 3 teens for a long time, and the new guy has even more kids.

Your advice is to stay with the guy who abandoned his kids. Lol! You chicks in bad marriages can do all kinds of mental gymnastics

Not really, but it is fair to consider that the grass may not be greener and it might be worth fighting to save the marriage rather than jumping to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be: less money, less time, loss of friends, being treated as less-than by just about everybody, constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything, no one to help you if you’re tired or sick, inability to travel. Inability to take on extra work, possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids, an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children, while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids. It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.

Hate to say it, but this was true for a friend. She filed. He was previously a very involved dad. Coached their teams, went to every parent-teacher conference, etc. Not long after the divorce he started dating, and not long after that he met a much younger woman who lived in another state. They got married, he moved, he got his vasectomy reversed and they had more kids. He contributes the court ordered minimum and nothing more. He still cares about his older kids, but he's pulled in two different directions and understandable there's more in it for him to keep the new wife happy. Friend found a new guy, but she single parented 3 teens for a long time, and the new guy has even more kids.

Your advice is to stay with the guy who abandoned his kids. Lol! You chicks in bad marriages can do all kinds of mental gymnastics

Not really, but it is fair to consider that the grass may not be greener and it might be worth fighting to save the marriage rather than jumping to divorce.

Yes, his pepee will not work as well in 10 years, maybe it's worth it trying to wait out, if OP has a successful stable marriage otherwise. Her husband is hiding it, and seems to be valuing OP and his family and kids. He is an addict, so OP should treat it just like any other addiction. And who knows maybe she would even enjoy taking part in some of his phantasies. Sex is a physical need for some men, and for some women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be: less money, less time, loss of friends, being treated as less-than by just about everybody, constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything, no one to help you if you’re tired or sick, inability to travel. Inability to take on extra work, possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids, an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children, while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids. It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.

Hate to say it, but this was true for a friend. She filed. He was previously a very involved dad. Coached their teams, went to every parent-teacher conference, etc. Not long after the divorce he started dating, and not long after that he met a much younger woman who lived in another state. They got married, he moved, he got his vasectomy reversed and they had more kids. He contributes the court ordered minimum and nothing more. He still cares about his older kids, but he's pulled in two different directions and understandable there's more in it for him to keep the new wife happy. Friend found a new guy, but she single parented 3 teens for a long time, and the new guy has even more kids.

Yep. If your husband is a top tier guy, you have to put up with some stepping out (if it happens…not saying all top tier guys do it but IF they do it, you have to put up with it) unless you are top tier yourself.

If you are just some average/above average woman, you have to suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be: less money, less time, loss of friends, being treated as less-than by just about everybody, constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything, no one to help you if you’re tired or sick, inability to travel. Inability to take on extra work, possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids, an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children, while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids. It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.

Hate to say it, but this was true for a friend. She filed. He was previously a very involved dad. Coached their teams, went to every parent-teacher conference, etc. Not long after the divorce he started dating, and not long after that he met a much younger woman who lived in another state. They got married, he moved, he got his vasectomy reversed and they had more kids. He contributes the court ordered minimum and nothing more. He still cares about his older kids, but he's pulled in two different directions and understandable there's more in it for him to keep the new wife happy. Friend found a new guy, but she single parented 3 teens for a long time, and the new guy has even more kids.

Yep. If your husband is a top tier guy, you have to put up with some stepping out (if it happens…not saying all top tier guys do it but IF they do it, you have to put up with it) unless you are top tier yourself.

If you are just some average/above average woman, you have to suck it up.

Vasectomy reversals work 5% of the time. That story is likely a fiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be: less money, less time, loss of friends, being treated as less-than by just about everybody, constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything, no one to help you if you’re tired or sick, inability to travel. Inability to take on extra work, possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids, an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children, while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids. It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.

Hate to say it, but this was true for a friend. She filed. He was previously a very involved dad. Coached their teams, went to every parent-teacher conference, etc. Not long after the divorce he started dating, and not long after that he met a much younger woman who lived in another state. They got married, he moved, he got his vasectomy reversed and they had more kids. He contributes the court ordered minimum and nothing more. He still cares about his older kids, but he's pulled in two different directions and understandable there's more in it for him to keep the new wife happy. Friend found a new guy, but she single parented 3 teens for a long time, and the new guy has even more kids.

Yep. If your husband is a top tier guy, you have to put up with some stepping out (if it happens…not saying all top tier guys do it but IF they do it, you have to put up with it) unless you are top tier yourself.

If you are just some average/above average woman, you have to suck it up.

Vasectomy reversals work 5% of the time. That story is likely a fiction.

Maybe but if you are umc in dc, you know what I’m saying is true.

Dc women stay with cheaters way more than their ses counterparts in nyc, Boston, or la.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why spouses keep hidden the fact that infidelity was reason for divorce...I mean why protect your ex?