He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

It isn't theoretical but very real damage. I'd love to know whether any of the posters who claim kids are not affected negatively by cheating have actually asked children how they feel once they find out. Because most of them will find out. And it will affect them.

Cheating does not affect kids. A bad divorce affects kids. Someone can cheat and you can still managed to have a good divorce if you’re able to put the kids first and then it doesn’t affect them.

Not if they know what you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why spouses keep hidden the fact that infidelity was reason for divorce...I mean why protect your ex?

Because it f’s up the kids and parents protect their kids.

[Anonymous]

To avoid sex ask obgyn what situations require a women to refrain from sex and tell him I have that.

[Anonymous]

One or my parents cheated, they never told me (but kids know, oh how kids know). They worked it out. I don’t think any less of either of them for cheating or not telling me. I do thank my lucky stars they worked it out. They’re in their late 70s now, very happy together, spending time with the grandkids, traveling, doing some hobbies… To throw it all away for a mid/life crisis or momentary lapse of judgement would have been idiotic.

Humans are very flawed. Once you understand that deeply, everything becomes easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why spouses keep hidden the fact that infidelity was reason for divorce...I mean why protect your ex?

Because it f’s up the kids and parents protect their kids.

I think it Fs them up more thinking people just divorce because they arent living the best life..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One or my parents cheated, they never told me (but kids know, oh how kids know). They worked it out. I don’t think any less of either of them for cheating or not telling me. I do thank my lucky stars they worked it out. They’re in their late 70s now, very happy together, spending time with the grandkids, traveling, doing some hobbies… To throw it all away for a mid/life crisis or momentary lapse of judgement would have been idiotic.

Humans are very flawed. Once you understand that deeply, everything becomes easier.

Watch out! There’s a poster on here who is going to circle back and tell you that, no, you got it all wrong and if you dig deeper within yourself you’ll realize that your childhood was miserable and you didn’t even know it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One or my parents cheated, they never told me (but kids know, oh how kids know). They worked it out. I don’t think any less of either of them for cheating or not telling me. I do thank my lucky stars they worked it out. They’re in their late 70s now, very happy together, spending time with the grandkids, traveling, doing some hobbies… To throw it all away for a mid/life crisis or momentary lapse of judgement would have been idiotic.

Humans are very flawed. Once you understand that deeply, everything becomes easier.

Watch out! There’s a poster on here who is going to circle back and tell you that, no, you got it all wrong and if you dig deeper within yourself you’ll realize that your childhood was miserable and you didn’t even know it

Yeah, what the OP describes isn’t a midlife crisis or momentary lapse in judgment. Her DH has been deceiving her for what, years? These situations aren’t equivalent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One or my parents cheated, they never told me (but kids know, oh how kids know). They worked it out. I don’t think any less of either of them for cheating or not telling me. I do thank my lucky stars they worked it out. They’re in their late 70s now, very happy together, spending time with the grandkids, traveling, doing some hobbies… To throw it all away for a mid/life crisis or momentary lapse of judgement would have been idiotic.

Humans are very flawed. Once you understand that deeply, everything becomes easier.

Watch out! There’s a poster on here who is going to circle back and tell you that, no, you got it all wrong and if you dig deeper within yourself you’ll realize that your childhood was miserable and you didn’t even know it

Yeah, what the OP describes isn’t a midlife crisis or momentary lapse in judgment. Her DH has been deceiving her for what, years? These situations aren’t equivalent.

Yes they are. Midlife is about coming to terms with flaws and limitations, sometimes deep ones.

When I was a child I spoke as a child
I thought as a child, I reasoned as a child
When I became a man I gave up childish ways
…For now we see but through a glass, darkly,
But then, face to face.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you should meet with a divorce attorney (without him knowing), get all the information you can, and know what your life would look like without him. You need to know what you are deciding between.

And it's going to take some time. You may need to sit-with the idea of your life without him, before you can feel you know what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One or my parents cheated, they never told me (but kids know, oh how kids know). They worked it out. I don’t think any less of either of them for cheating or not telling me. I do thank my lucky stars they worked it out. They’re in their late 70s now, very happy together, spending time with the grandkids, traveling, doing some hobbies… To throw it all away for a mid/life crisis or momentary lapse of judgement would have been idiotic.

Humans are very flawed. Once you understand that deeply, everything becomes easier.

Watch out! There’s a poster on here who is going to circle back and tell you that, no, you got it all wrong and if you dig deeper within yourself you’ll realize that your childhood was miserable and you didn’t even know it

Yeah, what the OP describes isn’t a midlife crisis or momentary lapse in judgment. Her DH has been deceiving her for what, years? These situations aren’t equivalent.

Agreed. This situation is a different mindset. This would be hard to disregard for me.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of people from overseas who think it's ok to cheat and that it's a biological need. It's infiltrating marriages in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people from overseas who think it's ok to cheat and that it's a biological need. It's infiltrating marriages in the US.

Ah yes blame the immigrants as usual

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people from overseas who think it's ok to cheat and that it's a biological need. It's infiltrating marriages in the US.

Ah yes blame the immigrants as usual

In a world with a lot of polygamy and cheating accepted in other countries compared to the US along with electronics it makes sense why this is a bigger issue now than generations before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One or my parents cheated, they never told me (but kids know, oh how kids know). They worked it out. I don’t think any less of either of them for cheating or not telling me. I do thank my lucky stars they worked it out. They’re in their late 70s now, very happy together, spending time with the grandkids, traveling, doing some hobbies… To throw it all away for a mid/life crisis or momentary lapse of judgement would have been idiotic.

Humans are very flawed. Once you understand that deeply, everything becomes easier.

Watch out! There’s a poster on here who is going to circle back and tell you that, no, you got it all wrong and if you dig deeper within yourself you’ll realize that your childhood was miserable and you didn’t even know it

Yeah, what the OP describes isn’t a midlife crisis or momentary lapse in judgment. Her DH has been deceiving her for what, years? These situations aren’t equivalent.

Yes they are. Midlife is about coming to terms with flaws and limitations, sometimes deep ones.

When I was a child I spoke as a child
I thought as a child, I reasoned as a child
When I became a man I gave up childish ways
…For now we see but through a glass, darkly,
But then, face to face.

Pretty wild that you are using the Bible to mitigate adultery

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, I’m sorry for your pain. From what you wrote, it sounds like the primary issue you have with your DH is the dishonesty and potential disruption to your family, not the physical act itself. If so, I agree with this - I myself am not monogamous, but do not hide it from my DH. In my case, I have a specific kink DH does not share, and he is just fine outsourcing it. We have several ground rules, one of which is that my kink does not take time away from our family life. When DC was young, that meant I would only indulge very rarely (for example, if DC were at a sleepover). Now that DC is older and much more independent, I could do it more often but honestly am quite content with the status quo. DH and I have a healthy and loving relationship both physically and emotionally, and have sought to model that for DC. We have a happy home, and DH and I truly hope to grow old together, long after we’ve lost any kind of appetite for sex, kinky or otherwise!

I think all the things you’ve been doing since discovery are prudent, but would also suggest you talk with your DH (when you’re ready), see what’s going on with him, and determine how the two of you wish to proceed. I would not ignore or pretend, but that’s just my 2 cents based on my own experience.

I want you to do an AMA:
-What is your kink?
-Has your husband always known about it and allowed you to step out?
-How do you “scratch” the itch?
-Any resentment or hurt feelings on the part of your husband?