He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

It sounds like you have the option to do what is best for you and your children because you aren't limited by financial concerns. I don't think it's best for your children in the long run for you to stay in this marriage, even though you say he is a good father. It's hard to imagine a scenario whereby they don't eventually figure this out for themselves, without it causing some emotional harm to them.

But what about you, as a woman? You deserve so much better than what you have now with this man who is masquerading as your husband. It might be hard for you to imagine at the moment, but there is a man out there who would treat you the way you deserve, be devoted to you, and who would only want you to be happy.

Best wishes for you and your children as you figure out what is the best resolution to this terrible situation.

All you idiots who are promising her a rosy future with an even more ideal mate than her lifeline partner and father of her children are leading her down the garden path. OP is pretty level headed and already said herself she doubts she can do better than him. Does she “deserve” someone who didn’t do this? Of course. But that’s no guarantee she will get it as the divorced mother of two working to support three people single handedly and at an age when the best men are long since locked down. Why on earth would she do better than her DH in middle age with two kids in tow? What she deserves has nothing to do with what is left for umber if she leaves him. Plus the broken family. You women are idiots.

Looks like OP’s DH found the thread!

[Anonymous]

Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be: less money, less time, loss of friends, being treated as less-than by just about everybody, constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything, no one to help you if you’re tired or sick, inability to travel. Inability to take on extra work, possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids, an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children, while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids. It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.

[Anonymous]

So if you can't "do better" you should settle for being disrespected and lied to? Being single and divorced is far better than sucking it up and accepting poor treatment from your supposed loving "partner." Women don't need a husband. This guy isn't even treating her with the level of respect you might give an acquaintance. The only way I'd consider staying was if I personally was mentally ok with non-monogamy, or I confronted the husband, and he was honest and forthcoming and wanted to work on the marriage. Bring it up... see what happens. Lies, lies, and more lies.

[Anonymous]

It’s not settling it’s just life. Sometimes you have to choose between bad and worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if you can't "do better" you should settle for being disrespected and lied to? Being single and divorced is far better than sucking it up and accepting poor treatment from your supposed loving "partner." Women don't need a husband. This guy isn't even treating her with the level of respect you might give an acquaintance. The only way I'd consider staying was if I personally was mentally ok with non-monogamy, or I confronted the husband, and he was honest and forthcoming and wanted to work on the marriage. Bring it up... see what happens. Lies, lies, and more lies.

I'd stay for a bit and spend the time working on taking $ from him.

[Anonymous]

Why so bleak... do we really think women have to have a spouse to be happy? She's a doctor. She can organize her life as necessary to make it work, she will be financially ok, her kids will have a strong female role model, and she may or may not meet a man who can compare to prince charming here. Not that hard to find one comparable who will leave his dirty socks on her floor and fall asleep on her couch while messaging women online. If hubs is a great dad, he will continue so on his 50% of parenting time. Then she will have a built-in, trusted (ehhh) babysitter so she can travel... date... do something more exciting that get her self esteem beat down by this pos.

[Anonymous]

All bets are off when other women enter the picture full time. Goodbye to current priorities.

[Anonymous]

Sigh. It’s theoretical in the sense that there’s no harm done at all until the cheater is caught, and while you say the majority ARE caught you really don’t know that, nor do you know how often the cheated on spouse tells the kids about the cheating even in the event of divorce. In short, you don’t know anything - you’re guessing and assuming.

Also, judging from the ridiculous number of posts on DCUM with posters trashing their parents in so many ways, and as I said before so much evidence of DCUM posters doing terrible jobs raising their own kids in so many non-cheating ways, continue to believe that many, many of you live in glass houses.

A good parent does not traumatize their co-parent. A cheater may be a passable parent, but they aren't modeling a healthy relationship, honesty, or lots of other things that good parents do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you can't "do better" you should settle for being disrespected and lied to? Being single and divorced is far better than sucking it up and accepting poor treatment from your supposed loving "partner." Women don't need a husband. This guy isn't even treating her with the level of respect you might give an acquaintance. The only way I'd consider staying was if I personally was mentally ok with non-monogamy, or I confronted the husband, and he was honest and forthcoming and wanted to work on the marriage. Bring it up... see what happens. Lies, lies, and more lies.

I'd stay for a bit and spend the time working on taking $ from him.

Including get a postnup. Get the kids' college funds done and make him agree they belong to the kids and not the marriage. Etc. Make it hard for him to cheat again and easy for you to leave, assuming you think he wants to stay and this will be leverage for you.

[Anonymous]

If you listen to this OP, SHE wants a husband, that’s why. She doesn’t want to be a single divorced doctor mom parenting with shared custody.

[Anonymous]

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things


Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

This is just administrative. What about character, integrity, treating your partner well, respect, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually I have a pretty well informed view of what single life is like. Here’s what it will be:

less money - depends. You can never tell about money with a cheater. They could leave you, spend the money. You don't know.
less time - depends on how much time they contribute and how much time you are spending worried about them. Might end up having less time with the kids because of the divorce.
loss of friends - big no. You must have loser friends
being treated as less-than by just about everybody - no. In fact probably the opposite.
constant unending stress and anxiety about being the breadwinner and only source of everything - if your DH is cheating that much he probably also sucks at his job but ok on this one.
no one to help you if you’re tired or sick - mom dad sis
inability to travel - is this really a top issue with divorcing a sex addict?
Inability to take on extra work - true but the work is more rewarding
possible need to change career paths to free up more time for kids - true. Depends on how great DH is at parenting
an endless parade of freaks and losers with flaws at least as large as her DH’s but people who have zero committment to her children - sounds like this is her life either way
while her apparently awesome high earning handsome funny non abusive non alcoholic non addicted highly educated service-oriented DH takes up with someone new and possibly goes on to have more kids, shortchanging her own, and providing a stable secure life for some other woman while OP watches from her office window, where she now spends every minute that she isn’t with her kids - this can happen in a marriage or out of it
It sucks, and is not necessarily better than dealing with the flawed human she married.- What exactly is it that she gets out of being with him by staying married? The money? Help around the house when he's not cheating? Probably best to spell this one out. These types of people divorce often once the kids are gone so please consider this will be the end state of their marriage whether OP wants it or not. She will be giving over the reins to ending the marriage to his timeline. Her decision to stay does not make him stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you can't "do better" you should settle for being disrespected and lied to? Being single and divorced is far better than sucking it up and accepting poor treatment from your supposed loving "partner." Women don't need a husband. This guy isn't even treating her with the level of respect you might give an acquaintance. The only way I'd consider staying was if I personally was mentally ok with non-monogamy, or I confronted the husband, and he was honest and forthcoming and wanted to work on the marriage. Bring it up... see what happens. Lies, lies, and more lies.

I'd stay for a bit and spend the time working on taking $ from him.

Including get a postnup. Get the kids' college funds done and make him agree they belong to the kids and not the marriage. Etc. Make it hard for him to cheat again and easy for you to leave, assuming you think he wants to stay and this will be leverage for you.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why so bleak... do we really think women have to have a spouse to be happy? She's a doctor. She can organize her life as necessary to make it work, she will be financially ok, her kids will have a strong female role model, and she may or may not meet a man who can compare to prince charming here. Not that hard to find one comparable who will leave his dirty socks on her floor and fall asleep on her couch while messaging women online. If hubs is a great dad, he will continue so on his 50% of parenting time. Then she will have a built-in, trusted (ehhh) babysitter so she can travel... date... do something more exciting that get her self esteem beat down by this pos.

I stayed with my cheater ex until my child's teens. I couldn't fathom shuttling my baby back and forth every few days. As someone said above, her husband can remarry or begin orgies in the house after divorce. It's not guaranteed that her kids would be better off.

I would honestly consider participating in his sexual phantasies (maybe it's just phantasies and he didnt act on these much yet!) It seems like the lesser bad vs divorce with all the consequences. She can still leave anytime, but she can try reestablishing marriage on new terms, and see how she does in an open marriage

[Anonymous]

I just returned from 2 weeks in Italy. I left my kids with the ex. I outearn him. I love my career. I love my house. My name is the one on the mortgage. There is life after divorce from a lying cheater. It sucks getting through it, but it really does get better. I never wanted to lose 50% of time with my kids, but I fill that time with more work or more play. It's not all bad. I'd rather have female friends than an unreliable man any day.