Frustrated with husband and mother in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

DH is only working 5 days of the trip.
I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

SMH. You are a nasty person.

Nope. The nasty people are the ones attacking OP. It was a simple turn if the tables. There is NO WAY all the people posting here wouldn’t be upset to be without childcare on short notice.

Upset? Sure. But in a “oh man that stinks” kind of way. Because at the end of the day, my husband and I are responsible for our kids. So when life happens—a babysitter doesn’t show up, daycare closes for COVID, the neighbor who was going to watch our kids gets sick—you suck it up and deal. You don’t get mad at your husband for not putting pressure on a CLEARLY UNRELIABLE PERSON to suddenly…what, magically become a reliable person? You don’t pout and whine. You pivot. And you get on with your day.

Her dh is leaving her to fix the problem created by his mother. She’s got a right to be upset. Any other post on this board everyone would chime in with “you have a dh problem” for his lack of communication with his parent.
She’s pivoting. She’s replanned her trip. You guys are like rabid dogs with the pile on.

It’s a work trip, dummy. So yeah, DH needs to go. OP *wanted* to go. See the difference?

What is up with your annoying “see the difference?”. It makes you sound dumb, like you might be on school summer break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

Which we did, and are taking them.
But I’m allowed to be disappointed that she and my husband communicated about this and it was not planned well.

Where are your parents again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is a 61 year old woman getting social security benefits? Are these disability benefits?

Busted. Minimum age to receive social security benefits is 62.

She’s eligible bc her late husband was much older, but thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is a 61 year old woman getting social security benefits? Are these disability benefits?

Busted. Minimum age to receive social security benefits is 62.

She’s eligible bc her late husband was much older, but thanks.

What was she doing before that kicked in?

[Anonymous]

OP said several pages ago what they decided to do. Initially she said she wasn't going to go at all. I'm guessing that didn't sit well with her DH so a couple pages later she said that the kids were going to go too afterall. Best outcome. Yes, I'm sure it won't be the vacation the couple envisioned but it's best for it to be this way, IMO. MIL showed herself to be petty and unreliable, so I'd assume she's no safe on her own with my kids. I wouldn't lift a finger, moving forward, to maintain that relationship. It's all on DH now.

And MIL can just enjoy her low responsibility life while her son and his family have a great vacation. Considering the significant costs with booking two more plane tickets and any possible loss for unused camps, I hope OP isn't paying MIL anything.

BTW, my husband and father of our two middle schoolers is 61. people are acting as if they read "MIL" and immediately envision frail, elderly person. Come on. She sounds like a lazy entitled person who isn't even legal retirement age who is counting on her son as her plan for care in aging. OP, you really should get a plan together to make sure you are prioritizing your children and their needs (college, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

She said she can’t. Someone you expect to stay overnight in your house with your kids says they can’t do it. So you can’t “need” her into being a competent, reliable, comfortable caregiver for your children. There is no “halfway” for me when it comes to always leaving them with people who are competent, comfortable, confident, reliable and up to the challenge. The fact that you don’t seem to see these red flags waving is very concerning. I get that you are disappointed. But my goodness…you’re so willing to leave your kids with someone who has said it’s too much and they can’t do it. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP said several pages ago what they decided to do. Initially she said she wasn't going to go at all. I'm guessing that didn't sit well with her DH so a couple pages later she said that the kids were going to go too afterall. Best outcome. Yes, I'm sure it won't be the vacation the couple envisioned but it's best for it to be this way, IMO. MIL showed herself to be petty and unreliable, so I'd assume she's no safe on her own with my kids. I wouldn't lift a finger, moving forward, to maintain that relationship. It's all on DH now.

And MIL can just enjoy her low responsibility life while her son and his family have a great vacation. Considering the significant costs with booking two more plane tickets and any possible loss for unused camps, I hope OP isn't paying MIL anything.

BTW, my husband and father of our two middle schoolers is 61. people are acting as if they read "MIL" and immediately envision frail, elderly person. Come on. She sounds like a lazy entitled person who isn't even legal retirement age who is counting on her son as her plan for care in aging. OP, you really should get a plan together to make sure you are prioritizing your children and their needs (college, etc.).

Legal retirement age? Are you saying MIL is breaking the law by not working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP said several pages ago what they decided to do. Initially she said she wasn't going to go at all. I'm guessing that didn't sit well with her DH so a couple pages later she said that the kids were going to go too afterall. Best outcome. Yes, I'm sure it won't be the vacation the couple envisioned but it's best for it to be this way, IMO. MIL showed herself to be petty and unreliable, so I'd assume she's no safe on her own with my kids. I wouldn't lift a finger, moving forward, to maintain that relationship. It's all on DH now.

And MIL can just enjoy her low responsibility life while her son and his family have a great vacation. Considering the significant costs with booking two more plane tickets and any possible loss for unused camps, I hope OP isn't paying MIL anything.

BTW, my husband and father of our two middle schoolers is 61. people are acting as if they read "MIL" and immediately envision frail, elderly person. Come on. She sounds like a lazy entitled person who isn't even legal retirement age who is counting on her son as her plan for care in aging. OP, you really should get a plan together to make sure you are prioritizing your children and their needs (college, etc.).

The bolded is WHY it’s so hilarious that OP and some of you people are so hell-bent on MIL changing her mind and watching these kids while OP and her husband are on international travel! Oh, a lazy, entitled person? Sounds like an A+ person to watch my kids while I’m out of the country. Gosh golly, where do I sign up? Sounds great! What could possibly go wrong with a lazy, entitled person who says she doesn’t want to do it? Let’s double down on our efforts to convince her to do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is a 61 year old woman getting social security benefits? Are these disability benefits?

Busted. Minimum age to receive social security benefits is 62.

She’s eligible bc her late husband was much older, but thanks.

What was she doing before that kicked in?

She lived in another state. She had a job where she worked in a home and received free housing (halfway house, driving residents to appointments etc bc people didn’t have a license) and opts not to work now but she’s capable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

She said she can’t. Someone you expect to stay overnight in your house with your kids says they can’t do it. So you can’t “need” her into being a competent, reliable, comfortable caregiver for your children. There is no “halfway” for me when it comes to always leaving them with people who are competent, comfortable, confident, reliable and up to the challenge. The fact that you don’t seem to see these red flags waving is very concerning. I get that you are disappointed. But my goodness…you’re so willing to leave your kids with someone who has said it’s too much and they can’t do it. Wow.

Well families help one another. We will be taking care of her for decades because she didn’t plan for retirement. Is it really wrong to ask her to at least sleep at our house so a family member the kids love and care about is with them? We offered to get a working nanny who would also stay and she declined.

[Anonymous]

You know that scene in “Mary Poppins” where Jane and Michael Banks are writing the ad for the perfect nanny?

“You must be kind, you must be witty
Very sweet and fairly pretty
Take us on outings, give us treats
Sing songs, bring treats”

It’s like OP and her defenders are writing an ad for unwilling MIL to be the nanny during 12 days of parents out of the country

“You must be unreliable, and quite fickle
Very flaky, leave us in a pickle
Be emotionally stunted and unprepared
Have anxiety and make us feel scared”

Sounds great! What could go wrong with that type of care for two young children? Fingers crossed, OP! Maybe you can convince this gem to watch your children after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

She said she can’t. Someone you expect to stay overnight in your house with your kids says they can’t do it. So you can’t “need” her into being a competent, reliable, comfortable caregiver for your children. There is no “halfway” for me when it comes to always leaving them with people who are competent, comfortable, confident, reliable and up to the challenge. The fact that you don’t seem to see these red flags waving is very concerning. I get that you are disappointed. But my goodness…you’re so willing to leave your kids with someone who has said it’s too much and they can’t do it. Wow.

Well families help one another. We will be taking care of her for decades because she didn’t plan for retirement. Is it really wrong to ask her to at least sleep at our house so a family member the kids love and care about is with them? We offered to get a working nanny who would also stay and she declined.

She made choices. You can make choices. Whatever. But keep doubling down on wanting literally a flaky, selfish, unreliable, unwilling person to break down and watch your kids. What could go wrong? FINGERS CROSSED!

[Anonymous]

Totally fine for her not to want to help with kids. Unfortunate that she waited this long to tell you, of course.

But I would also not be ok with her moving in. This is why they invented nursing homes. You’re not obligated any more than she is. Goes both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just live in a very different community and culture than most of you. Most of our friends send their kids to summer camp for 2 weeks a summer at age 7, most families go away childless for a week, grandparents are involved in many families lives... I just can’t relate to a lot of what is being said here.

The child’s grandmother is very close to my children and involved in their life. It’s good for kids to spend time with grandparents. Don’t take something good and make it into something evil.

Yes, healthy and confident and comfortable grandparents are excellent caregivers. So are camp counselors, youth group trip leaders, etc. No one is saying kids should be with their parents at all times.

What we ARE saying is that if any caregiver—a grandparent, an aunt, a cousin, a camp counselor—express inability to care for a child at any time for any reason, you listen and you make other arrangements.

Argue with that. Go on, argue with that. I’d love to hear it.

I hope your nanny backs out on you last minute because now she’s uncomfortable. When nothing has changed in the agreement. And I hope it costs you lots of money in lost wages. I’m sure you’ll smile and say “oh a caregiver can back out at any time if they feel unable to care for the child”.

NP. If my nanny backed out of an agreement because she was uncomfortable (I’ll go slow so you can follow along):
I
Would
Know
Something
Wasn’t
Right
With
Her

And I would be grateful that she spoke up and didn’t try to force herself into childcare she couldn’t handle.

Sometimes
Nothing
Is
Wrong
And
People
Are
Just
Flakes.

I don’t leave my kids with flaky people. Do you?

Would be lovely if flaky people came labeled, but unfortunately they don’t. It takes experience. And it’s harder when it’s your in laws because there are more dynamics at play. I’d venture a guess that some camp counselor or teacher my child has had could be labeled flaky. Maybe you can pre screen for moral competency/lack of flakiness immediately. Most people can’t.

There are screenings for teachers, daycare workers, lifeguards, camp counselors, etc. Those screenings are called job interviews and references.

When you rely on family members, neighbors or friends, you open the door to a bit of flakiness. But here’s what: better to have someone reveal they are unreliable BEFORE the parents leave for an international trip than during said trip. And if you can’t agree with me on that, don’t bother replying, because we have very different values when it comes to the safety, security and care of our children.

Of course I agree with that. I also believe that there will be consequences to her relationship with her MIL. OP is annoyed and that’s to be expected. They won’t plan to leave the kids with her again. Literally no one has disagreed that it’s better MIL backed out now. For some reason you feel the need to repeat it over and over.

And of course I agree with you that the natural consequence here is that OP is entitled to feel annoyed and that the relationship will take a hit. But here’s what you seem unwilling to admit: OP literally said on page 1, when asked why she was frustrated with her husband, “Because he won’t even try to reason with her.”

Like, you can’t “reason” an unreliable person into being a reliable caregiver. You really support OP in wanting her husband to “reason” his mother into taking this on when she has said directly that she cannot do it? For some reason you need to defend OP over and over in that she’s expecting her husband to browbeat an unwilling elderly woman into being a reliable caregiver during a 12-day international trip.

Not browbeat but at least meet in the middle and stay in our house while we hire a nanny for all hours. I need a family member there but she would not have to do anything but be there.

She said she can’t. Someone you expect to stay overnight in your house with your kids says they can’t do it. So you can’t “need” her into being a competent, reliable, comfortable caregiver for your children. There is no “halfway” for me when it comes to always leaving them with people who are competent, comfortable, confident, reliable and up to the challenge. The fact that you don’t seem to see these red flags waving is very concerning. I get that you are disappointed. But my goodness…you’re so willing to leave your kids with someone who has said it’s too much and they can’t do it. Wow.

Well families help one another. We will be taking care of her for decades because she didn’t plan for retirement. Is it really wrong to ask her to at least sleep at our house so a family member the kids love and care about is with them? We offered to get a working nanny who would also stay and she declined.

It's not wrong to ask. You did. But now you don't like the answer. So, now what? Threaten her? She chooses not to work, but sounds like that's your choice as well. What's your job?