Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't cut him loose just yet. Date around, if you find another person, then cut him loose. He might just need more time, and you don't have any flexibility if you cut him off now.

You are both older, so I feel like this is more normal to take your time. Esp if one or either of you is divorced/has kids.

I will add, if you strong arm him into being in a "relationship" this afternoon at your meeting, are you really going to feel good about that? If he somehow agrees, doesn't it feel a bit icky that he didn't come to that on his own?

If I were him, I'd head for the hills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, he's tried several times to reach out to you and you continuously shut him down?

That should be a red flag for him. I wouldn't be surprised if he he said he was confused by your definition of "commitment" but understands now, was willing to do it, but your harsh hard-line stubbornness and personal pride and lack of communication/extend an olive branch made him change his mind.

If you react like this to this type of situation, how unreasonable will you be for the larger things in life, other big permanent decisions, and curve balls life throws at you?

This this this

- I want another child NOW
- I want a better car NOW
- I want a bigger house NOW
- I want you to make more money NOW
- I want you to spend less time at work NOW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, he's tried several times to reach out to you and you continuously shut him down?

That should be a red flag for him. I wouldn't be surprised if he he said he was confused by your definition of "commitment" but understands now, was willing to do it, but your harsh hard-line stubbornness and personal pride and lack of communication/extend an olive branch made him change his mind.

If you react like this to this type of situation, how unreasonable will you be for the larger things in life, other big permanent decisions, and curve balls life throws at you?

This this this

- I want another child NOW
- I want a better car NOW
- I want a bigger house NOW
- I want you to make more money NOW
- I want you to spend less time at work NOW

You don't think 4 MONTHS is a long enough time just to decide if you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend? A lot of these guys are time wasters or only in it for the sex, and it's smart to weed them out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, he's tried several times to reach out to you and you continuously shut him down?

That should be a red flag for him. I wouldn't be surprised if he he said he was confused by your definition of "commitment" but understands now, was willing to do it, but your harsh hard-line stubbornness and personal pride and lack of communication/extend an olive branch made him change his mind.

If you react like this to this type of situation, how unreasonable will you be for the larger things in life, other big permanent decisions, and curve balls life throws at you?

This this this

- I want another child NOW
- I want a better car NOW
- I want a bigger house NOW
- I want you to make more money NOW
- I want you to spend less time at work NOW

You don't think 4 MONTHS is a long enough time just to decide if you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend? A lot of these guys are time wasters or only in it for the sex, and it's smart to weed them out.

+1. I’d be offended if after 4 months of 2-3 dates per week someone said they were only 80% sure they wanted to date me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: his text last night, “I think we should give this another chance…”

Me (tonight): "I'm feeling confused about what you actually want..."

Him: (a few minutes later): "You've been helping me figure it out...the last few months have been so beautiful!"


What does this even mean- is he being purposefully vague?

seriously OP? As a guy let me translate - he is trying to be suave about it, but he's essentially telling you that he wants to continue to sleep with you. nothing more.

OP: thank you. You're right. I wrote back and said I'd like to make a clean break. He wrote back and said he wanted to "keep building on what we have" but I didn't respond (and don't plan to respond anymore).

Time to block his number, OP. This guy is a turnip. The smell will only get worse over time.
Keep looking. You have good instincts. You will find that great guy. GL!

OP: I didn't respond to him saying he wanted to keep building and then deleted his number. He sent me an email saying he would like to go away together after Christmas (that was one of my issues). Do you think there's ANY way he's a sincere guy? Or am I being taken advantage of?

“I’d like to go away after Christmas” is literally nothing.

“Are you free the weekend of MLK day, I want to book us at Salamander resort for a couple of days” might make me think he had taken anything you said to heart.

I know you are trying to decide if it’s worth starting over if there really is a chance that this might go somewhere. If you need the peace of mind, you need to talk on the phone or FaceTime etc and say you need for him to spell out what would be different and his willingness to change. Is he upset that you are upset and truly didn’t realize and wants to make it right, or has he enjoyed not having to do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing for whatever reason and this last ditch effort would delay the inevitable breakup.

I’ve seen these things go both ways - where that 2nd chance just delayed the inevitable and where the 2nd chance worked out. I don’t know if there is hard and fast rule to know which path it will take but I think the key might be did the person change their behavior because of a realization that whatever they where holding onto was not as important as the other person and they believe it’s a good change or did they only change to hold onto the other person. Deep down, if you are going against something you truly believe is important/want to hold onto just to keep someone else happy, I don’t think you will truly be happy or be able to sustain that in a relationship.

You just need to talk to him. Tell him you’re open to hearing specifics and leave the ball in his court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, he's tried several times to reach out to you and you continuously shut him down?

That should be a red flag for him. I wouldn't be surprised if he he said he was confused by your definition of "commitment" but understands now, was willing to do it, but your harsh hard-line stubbornness and personal pride and lack of communication/extend an olive branch made him change his mind.

If you react like this to this type of situation, how unreasonable will you be for the larger things in life, other big permanent decisions, and curve balls life throws at you?

This this this

- I want another child NOW
- I want a better car NOW
- I want a bigger house NOW
- I want you to make more money NOW
- I want you to spend less time at work NOW

You don't think 4 MONTHS is a long enough time just to decide if you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend? A lot of these guys are time wasters or only in it for the sex, and it's smart to weed them out.

+1. I’d be offended if after 4 months of 2-3 dates per week someone said they were only 80% sure they wanted to date me.

My read on this is different. He wasn’t aware they weren’t in a relationship. 100% means marriage to him. I think 4 months is too short to assess if you want to marry someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, he's tried several times to reach out to you and you continuously shut him down?

That should be a red flag for him. I wouldn't be surprised if he he said he was confused by your definition of "commitment" but understands now, was willing to do it, but your harsh hard-line stubbornness and personal pride and lack of communication/extend an olive branch made him change his mind.

If you react like this to this type of situation, how unreasonable will you be for the larger things in life, other big permanent decisions, and curve balls life throws at you?

This this this

- I want another child NOW
- I want a better car NOW
- I want a bigger house NOW
- I want you to make more money NOW
- I want you to spend less time at work NOW

You don't think 4 MONTHS is a long enough time just to decide if you want to be boyfriend/girlfriend? A lot of these guys are time wasters or only in it for the sex, and it's smart to weed them out.

+1. I’d be offended if after 4 months of 2-3 dates per week someone said they were only 80% sure they wanted to date me.

My read on this is different. He wasn’t aware they weren’t in a relationship. 100% means marriage to him. I think 4 months is too short to assess if you want to marry someone.

No, further back in thread OP said she made it clear when they had coffee that she meant bf/gf, not marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP: I didn't respond to him saying he wanted to keep building and then deleted his number. He sent me an email saying he would like to go away together after Christmas (that was one of my issues). Do you think there's ANY way he's a sincere guy? Or am I being taken advantage of?

How come he wrote you an email?
You mean: he noticed that you're not responding via text, concluded right away that he was blocked and immediately decided to email you instead?!

[Anonymous]

I think you did the right thing OP. I'm with a guy now who was like this for four months, unwilling to be exclusive even, until we got to four months. I was ready to be exclusive by the end of the first month. We've now been together for a year now, and while I do really like him and spending time with him, his inability to "want" to be with just me for so long really colored the rest of the relationship. Now he's really into me, but I can't really return his enthusiasm for the relationship because of how it started. So, this probably won't last forever.

[Anonymous]

I guess this type of thing just depends on where you're at in life because no way would I agree to committed relationship after just four months. Do you even know a person after just four months? That's just ONE SEASON. What's he like in the summer, the fall, the winter?! You don't know! You just want a man.

- A woman

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you did the right thing OP. I'm with a guy now who was like this for four months, unwilling to be exclusive even, until we got to four months. I was ready to be exclusive by the end of the first month. We've now been together for a year now, and while I do really like him and spending time with him, his inability to "want" to be with just me for so long really colored the rest of the relationship. Now he's really into me, but I can't really return his enthusiasm for the relationship because of how it started. So, this probably won't last forever.

Nuts. Of course he's into you now, he's had a year to get to know you. How do you know anyone after just one month??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess this type of thing just depends on where you're at in life because no way would I agree to committed relationship after just four months. Do you even know a person after just four months? That's just ONE SEASON. What's he like in the summer, the fall, the winter?! You don't know! You just want a man.

- A woman

+1 (another woman). Slow the eff down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess this type of thing just depends on where you're at in life because no way would I agree to committed relationship after just four months. Do you even know a person after just four months? That's just ONE SEASON. What's he like in the summer, the fall, the winter?! You don't know! You just want a man.

- A woman

+1 (another woman). Slow the eff down

LOL — what is he like in the summer

[Anonymous]

OMG. The only way she should have reconsidered was if he PHONED her right after she told him this. He wants what he wants. OP, my husband is British. His weirdness is not due to being British. Next time around, go more slowly. Have a relationship talk before you have sex … and wait as long as you can to have sex. Two to three months would be good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you did the right thing OP. I'm with a guy now who was like this for four months, unwilling to be exclusive even, until we got to four months. I was ready to be exclusive by the end of the first month. We've now been together for a year now, and while I do really like him and spending time with him, his inability to "want" to be with just me for so long really colored the rest of the relationship. Now he's really into me, but I can't really return his enthusiasm for the relationship because of how it started. So, this probably won't last forever.

Nuts. Of course he's into you now, he's had a year to get to know you. How do you know anyone after just one month??

You should know by then whether you want to date exclusively to see if the relationship could work.