Reply to Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]^NP.  So as long as you meet the criteria for frequency, no need for cheating.  So those other reasons (not exciting enough, scheduled is not spontaneous etc.) should not lead to cheating.

How about from women’s perspective?  Can they make any demands such as equality in ownership of responsibilities at home/kids/social life/ mental load? This could also play in to the frequency.

[/quote]

Excitement and spontaneity are unreasonable for a long term marriage. But a normal frequency is easily achieved. If scheduling makes things easier then schedule away.

None of the demands you listed have anything to do with sex. Those are just basic traits of a competent functional human. [b]If your partner is incompetent, well why did you marry him?[/b] I would advise you to tell him to grow up and pull his weight, and if he continues to be incompetent, I’d tell you to divorce.  Again this has nothing to do with sex at all. [/quote]

You say this like there's a reliable way to tell how a guy would perform as a father and a husband before he has kids and marries. Everyone is competent with their single-life job and a single-life apartment.  Marriage and family brings unfamiliar pressures.[/quote]

You say this like you didn’t read my post. I said “tell him to grow up and pull his weight, and if he continues to be incompetent, I’d tell you to divorce“.

I also pointed out this has nothing to do with sex. Why do you keep bringing this up in a thread about affairs?[/quote]

The reason why I brought up all of the of the work that women do is that women are often exhausted of all of the work that they're responsible for and women don't compartmentalize like men do which means sex can become another chore if women are already overwhelmed with a million other tasks.  You would be surprised by how many men think that they pull their weight but it's a different story when you talk to their wives.

Also, I've come across some women posters who have mentioned that men who are successful with sex in long term relationship know how to start and keep the flame going way before any sex.  For many women, sex starts in their mind and understanding how to turn on their mind is helpful (I find it's probably more helpful first to learn this about your wife then to discuss what actual acts they like).  I hear many men talk about discussing what acts women like etc. but not about understanding how to turn on their wife's mind.

Finally, men who say that it's not them when discussing how good they are at sex since their sex with AP is so good aren't understanding that their skill comes in to play in a longterm relationship.  In a new or AP relationship, it's more about newness/excitement and so skill level is less important.  Endorphins are a key driver at that point in that relationship and it's less about level of skill.

Seriously, if a wife is making an effort for you with sex (e.g. scheduled sex), she loves you and it's up to you to see if the glass is half full or half empty.  Again, it's about mental reframing.   Just offering another perspective on this.[/quote]

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