Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?

[Anonymous]

^NP. So as long as you meet the criteria for frequency, no need for cheating. So those other reasons (not exciting enough, scheduled is not spontaneous etc.) should not lead to cheating.

How about from women’s perspective? Can they make any demands such as equality in ownership of responsibilities at home/kids/social life/ mental load? This could also play in to the frequency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mmmkay. When we were first dating my DH and I used to have sex 2-3 times a day. So now that its twice a week he gets to pork some side skank?

And my dear jag, you know who isn't consenting to be exposed to STIs from your adultery? The faithful spouse. Your idea of consent is very childlike.

I love also how you are dodging the idea that you have ANY culpability for the collapse of your love life. How often did your wife come when you had sex?

P.S. Marriage is a contract.

I do not actually believe you EVER had sex 21 times in a week, at best you mean multiple sex on a saturday. But to answer your question, the "relationship baseline" starts AFTER first couple months of crazy monkey sex. And I would bet twice a week does not represent a significant reduction from that baseline, so.... NO he does not get to pork some side shank as you are not in a sexless marriage. We were long-distance for many months. So once we moved in together and before kids it was 3-4 times a week on weeknights then 2-3 times on Saturday and Sunday. Probably added up to 10 times a week. So now it's only twice a week. Is that a significant enough drop from baseline? PS your justifications are BS

Let me explain consent. Person A needs sex from Person B to have sex with Person B. Person C is not part of this sexual activity, so no consent is needed from Person C for the A+B pairing. No let ME explain consent. The faithful spouse does NOT consent to being exposed to risk of STI when you are barebacking some ho.

I love how you refuse to accept some women just don't want to have sex and it has nothing to do with the man, as evidenced by so many other (non-wife) women who (repeatedly) want this same man. Are you implying that loads of women are lining up to have sex with you??! And again, all the women I know who don't want their husbands its because the husband is a dickwad.

PS, if you believe that marriage is a contract in regards to sexual fidelity, then changing terms to be sexless voids this fidelity clause. The contract still calls for honesty and trust. Face it you are the contract- breaker.

Ya STILL won't answer the Q about how often your wife came....pretty telling about your lack of skills

[Anonymous]

No here - my wife has an o every time. We are creative and use toys as well. She still is never ever in the mood and we do it once a month or so.

I know you find this shocking, but really some people lose interest over time and it's not anyone's fault. You can google female low libido and up to half of married women report low or no desire after a while. It's just nature and yes there are low libido men too.

Whether all these marriages are better off with divorce or discreet affairs is another question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No here - my wife has an o every time. We are creative and use toys as well. She still is never ever in the mood and we do it once a month or so.

I know you find this shocking, but really some people lose interest over time and it's not anyone's fault. You can google female low libido and up to half of married women report low or no desire after a while. It's just nature and yes there are low libido men too.

Whether all these marriages are better off with divorce or discreet affairs is another question[/quote

Would you be ok with scheduled sex if the wife indicates that she is willing to schedule sex since she loves you and wants to find a solution? I hear some men say that is not appealing either and so will lead to cheating. It seems like no matter what women do, it will never be enough for men because ultimately it’s just lack of commitment that leads to these excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No here - my wife has an o every time. We are creative and use toys as well. She still is never ever in the mood and we do it once a month or so.

I know you find this shocking, but really some people lose interest over time and it's not anyone's fault. You can google female low libido and up to half of married women report low or no desire after a while. It's just nature and yes there are low libido men too.

Whether all these marriages are better off with divorce or discreet affairs is another question

Sex with the same person just gets dull over time for some people. "Adding spice" doesn't help. I mean you aren't going to morph into a new person. It's not about withholding sex as much as just losing interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No here - my wife has an o every time. We are creative and use toys as well. She still is never ever in the mood and we do it once a month or so.

I know you find this shocking, but really some people lose interest over time and it's not anyone's fault. You can google female low libido and up to half of married women report low or no desire after a while. It's just nature and yes there are low libido men too.

Whether all these marriages are better off with divorce or discreet affairs is another question[/quote

Would you be ok with scheduled sex if the wife indicates that she is willing to schedule sex since she loves you and wants to find a solution? I hear some men say that is not appealing either and so will lead to cheating. It seems like no matter what women do, it will never be enough for men because ultimately it’s just lack of commitment that leads to these excuses.

That is basically my situation and its a tough one. On one hand, I get that scheduling is an act of love and I should accept it. But if she is never, ever in the mood and it's clear she really doesn't want to be there, it's not a good compromise. Anymore than scheduling date night and he is on his phone checking sports and not listening to you. Sex isn't about the orgasm, I can give myself one, it's about the connection.

And yes, I have offered a reciprocal open marriage, she isn't interested.

[Anonymous]

^so I guess there’s no compromise on this situation. No matter what the wife does, it’s not good enough.

It seems like it’s not as simple as men make it out: keep to same frequency as during early part of marriage and no cheating. Now there are additional conditions placed on the wives. It’s all wives who have to compromise.
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^so I guess there’s no compromise on this situation. No matter what the wife does, it’s not good enough.

It seems like it’s not as simple as men make it out: keep to same frequency as during early part of marriage and no cheating. Now there are additional conditions placed on the wives. It’s all wives who have to compromise.
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

Well, speaking only for me, I don't expect we would keep up the daily sex we had when we were dating. Even once a week would be fine and evening every other time there was a genuine enthusiasm that would be great. Like, tell me what you want to do in bed, fantasies, maybe lingerie on occasion. I don't think this is unrealistic.

But yeah, it's hard to compromise when one person wants it never and the other sometimes. Marriage counselor says the top two reasons for divorce are sex and money. Dan Savage has made a huge living advising people to lay off the strict monogamy if you want your marriage to last.

If your DH wanted it never, but was willing to hold a toy against you, while he yawned, would you find it satisfying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^NP. So as long as you meet the criteria for frequency, no need for cheating. So those other reasons (not exciting enough, scheduled is not spontaneous etc.) should not lead to cheating.

How about from women’s perspective? Can they make any demands such as equality in ownership of responsibilities at home/kids/social life/ mental load? This could also play in to the frequency.

Excitement and spontaneity are unreasonable for a long term marriage. But a normal frequency is easily achieved. If scheduling makes things easier then schedule away.

None of the demands you listed have anything to do with sex. Those are just basic traits of a competent functional human. If your partner is incompetent, well why did you marry him? I would advise you to tell him to grow up and pull his weight, and if he continues to be incompetent, I’d tell you to divorce. Again this has nothing to do with sex at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No here - my wife has an o every time. We are creative and use toys as well. She still is never ever in the mood and we do it once a month or so.

I know you find this shocking, but really some people lose interest over time and it's not anyone's fault. You can google female low libido and up to half of married women report low or no desire after a while. It's just nature and yes there are low libido men too.

Whether all these marriages are better off with divorce or discreet affairs is another question

Sex with the same person just gets dull over time for some people. "Adding spice" doesn't help. I mean you aren't going to morph into a new person. It's not about withholding sex as much as just losing interest.

Some lose interest in sex, and as a result, others lose interest in monogamy. The only way to save these marriage is by opening it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^so I guess there’s no compromise on this situation. No matter what the wife does, it’s not good enough.

It seems like it’s not as simple as men make it out: keep to same frequency as during early part of marriage and no cheating. Now there are additional conditions placed on the wives. It’s all wives who have to compromise.
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

No you don’t have to do all that. Dial back the kids/home/social planning/career if you can’t handle those things plus a normal sex life.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe this was asked. I’m a woman and have had long term affairs. It’s about the kids and money and not wanting a “scene”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^so I guess there’s no compromise on this situation. No matter what the wife does, it’s not good enough.

It seems like it’s not as simple as men make it out: keep to same frequency as during early part of marriage and no cheating. Now there are additional conditions placed on the wives. It’s all wives who have to compromise.
Women have to maintain sex frequency/sex enthusiasm/kids/home/social planning/career. I mean expectations of women are unsustainable. I mean why should women even try since they’re set up to fail.

No you don’t have to do all that. Dial back the kids/home/social planning/career if you can’t handle those things plus a normal sex life.

Dial back your kids??? I have three. Should I give one away?
Should I move to a townhouse??
And if my spouse isn't nice to me...I will need a social life to stay sane.
And if my spouse is such a selfish ass that his love depends on sex and sex only then damn straight i need to keep my career going so when he inevitably leaves me I can support my now two kids in our condo.

[Anonymous]

These threads always devolve into a battle of the sexes, often between 3-4 posters. The reality is far simpler: Many women and some men lose all desire in long term relationships. Look up how often lesbians have sex after being married a decade. Half are sexless. It's not a matter of women being cold or men sucking in bed. It's biology. Even when there is love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No here - my wife has an o every time. We are creative and use toys as well. She still is never ever in the mood and we do it once a month or so.

I know you find this shocking, but really some people lose interest over time and it's not anyone's fault. You can google female low libido and up to half of married women report low or no desire after a while. It's just nature and yes there are low libido men too.

Whether all these marriages are better off with divorce or discreet affairs is another question

Sex with the same person just gets dull over time for some people. "Adding spice" doesn't help. I mean you aren't going to morph into a new person. It's not about withholding sex as much as just losing interest.

Some lose interest in sex, and as a result, others lose interest in monogamy. The only way to save these marriage is by opening it.

Some lose interest in sex with that person. Even if the person is perfectly willing. Otherwise how do you explain affairs led by men who continue to have sex with their wives? Simple, the want for variety and nothing more.