Reply to "Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

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[quote=Anonymous]OP- I think individual therapy would be helpful for you. Just keep looking until you find someone you click with.

The reason I think you should see someone is you remind me of me in some ways. I also dated guys in my youth that were emotionally distant and great in bed, but didn't want to marry me (or would have been bad husbands/fathers). They may have been very attentive, but not very emotionally close, if that makes sense. And I would be madly in love with them--the pursuer. I was always pursuing them emotionally and relationship wise. (And I totally understand how you like to be the pursuer but also dominated in bed.)

But I went into therapy and realized that I dated guys like these because I was ambivalent about being emotionally close. I had a distant father and then I  dated distant men. It wasn't about them, it was about me.

You dated a emotionally distant man (who paid attention to you and dominated you sexually), but realized they wouldn't make good husband/father. (I suspect there was a pattern of other emotionally distant men). Now you are married to an emotionally distant man (who felt safe in the beginning), but you don't have the attention or sexual compatibility to bridge the emotional gap. Then you add life, stress, kids...the marriage feels adrift.

I can almost guarantee that if you divorce DH, you will find and fall in love with another emotionally distant man. He will not seem to be that way in the beginning, but over time will show his true colors. So individual therapy for you to figure out why you are attracted to (or feel safe with) emotionally distant men.

Then with your DH either with a couple's therapist or on your own have this conversation with DH, "I feel emotionally detached from you. I know you don't like talking about trivial things, but having a silly conversation about celebrity gossip makes me feel like you care about me. I need us to  connect more emotionally. I need you to not fix things when I just need to vent." And see where the conversation goes.

Also look into a John Gottman book, weekend or a Gottman trained therapist. The thing you are talking about needing when you mention something he thinks is silly, is called a 'bid'. When he ignores or puts down your 'bid' he is actually ignoring or putting you and your emotions down. He is cutting off the emotional connections with you. 
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