Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this ridiculous, my mom kept her last name, as did I. My sons have my last name as a middle name and my husband's as a surname. My spouse and I have been married over 15 years, my parents have been married over 60 years.

I don't personally care if someone socially calls me Mrs. Husband's name, but I didn't want the legal hassle and I quite like my name. Literally never had issues.

It's your name, it's your day to day life.

Same same same

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people call my husband Mr. (My last Name)…

Quelle horreur!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is obviously not a communication problem. If you proposed several solutions and the only thing he can accept is for everyone to have his last name then not much can be done. You gotta decide whether you accept his name or whether you move on.

Just get married, then don't change your name. See if he divorces you over that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you also into gender norms? Did you want an engagement ring? Does he pick up the bill more often? Doe he buy you flowers?

If you like gender norms traditions when they benefit you, then you have to accept ones that matter to him too.

OP's BF: "I want you to propose to me."

OP has to say by DCUM standards: "OK."

If not, we will rightly assert she hates men.

I'm a woman who kept my own name and we talked about getting married instead of some grandiose proposal. I think you're trying a bit too hard to prove a point that does not exist.

"I don't want another kid."
"OK."

"I don't want to move."
"Ok."

"I don't want to visit your mother."
"OK."

"I don't want to vacation there."
"OK."

"I don't want to co-mingle checking accounts."
"OK."

Things come up in marriages. Have you simply said OK to your spouse and jointly agreed on everything over decades of marriage? That's the point.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to figure out what upsets you the most and go from there. Is this a pattern on refusing to compromise? Do you generally feel like an equal partner and it's just this particular issue that he is hung up on? What is it about keeping your name that is most important to you? Are you unsure about marrying him and this is your hill to die on so you have a reason to call it off? This is an argument about a name change, but it's not *just* a name change. I think the reasons behind the strong opinions on both sides need to be examined.

FWIW, I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father. Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him. When I thought about why I wanted to keep mine - spelling was much easier, it was simpler, there are no males in the family who are carrying it on, feeling like I was giving up part of myself) I decided that I was willing to give in. It's rare that he digs his feet in on something and had I really pushed back he would've respected my decision. He agreed that our first child would have my maiden name as a middle name.

None of us can decide this for you, but I really think you owe it to yourself to think hard about it before ending the relationship.

[Anonymous]

PP - *didn't want to change my name. Typo!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you also into gender norms? Did you want an engagement ring? Does he pick up the bill more often? Doe he buy you flowers?

If you like gender norms traditions when they benefit you, then you have to accept ones that matter to him too.

OP's BF: "I want you to propose to me."

OP has to say by DCUM standards: "OK."

If not, we will rightly assert she hates men.

I'm a woman who kept my own name and we talked about getting married instead of some grandiose proposal. I think you're trying a bit too hard to prove a point that does not exist.

"I don't want another kid."
"OK."

"I don't want to move."
"Ok."

"I don't want to visit your mother."
"OK."

"I don't want to vacation there."
"OK."

"I don't want to co-mingle checking accounts."
"OK."

Things come up in marriages. Have you simply said OK to your spouse and jointly agreed on everything over decades of marriage? That's the point.

Again, not sure what point you're trying to make. Changing my name doesn't affect my husband in any way. Where we live, vacation, how many children we have, finances ALL affect him. Furthermore, OP offered several solutions and compromises and he said no to all of them, even though if there is one thing that needs zero of his input is her name. So again, not sure what point you're trying to make.

[Anonymous]

My kids have my last name. We are about to move to the burbs from DC and Im mentally preparing for shutting down the questions. My husband is indeed their father and is the absolute best dad on the planet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you also into gender norms? Did you want an engagement ring? Does he pick up the bill more often? Doe he buy you flowers?

If you like gender norms traditions when they benefit you, then you have to accept ones that matter to him too.

OP's BF: "I want you to propose to me."

OP has to say by DCUM standards: "OK."

If not, we will rightly assert she hates men.

I'm a woman who kept my own name and we talked about getting married instead of some grandiose proposal. I think you're trying a bit too hard to prove a point that does not exist.

"I don't want another kid."
"OK."

"I don't want to move."
"Ok."

"I don't want to visit your mother."
"OK."

"I don't want to vacation there."
"OK."

"I don't want to co-mingle checking accounts."
"OK."

Things come up in marriages. Have you simply said OK to your spouse and jointly agreed on everything over decades of marriage? That's the point.

Again, not sure what point you're trying to make. Changing my name doesn't affect my husband in any way. Where we live, vacation, how many children we have, finances ALL affect him. Furthermore, OP offered several solutions and compromises and he said no to all of them, even though if there is one thing that needs zero of his input is her name. So again, not sure what point you're trying to make.

You're acting willfully obtuse. It was stated that OP's BF should have readily agreed and said OK, nothing more. Then, when people pointed out gender norm expectations, and for OP to be careful, you said you handled it perfectly by having a discussion (which is not at all relevant here). But, if you expect your spouse to OK everything, like the names of your children right at the exact moment it's proposed, you will be disappointed, and your spouse will too because nobody is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Are you also into gender norms? Did you want an engagement ring? Does he pick up the bill more often? Doe he buy you flowers?

If you like gender norms traditions when they benefit you, then you have to accept ones that matter to him too.

This is a fair point.

Expectations based on traditional gender norms go both ways.

[Anonymous]

No a woman refusing to change her name to her husband's is making a specific and very political and psychological point in the context if modern relationships: I am the dominant party in this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you also into gender norms? Did you want an engagement ring? Does he pick up the bill more often? Doe he buy you flowers?

If you like gender norms traditions when they benefit you, then you have to accept ones that matter to him too.

Fair question. Not really. Our engagement was us discussing a wedding date. No proposal, no ring, no me waiting for him. I've never been traditional which is why I was shocked about his reaction. I guess we should have discussed our last names earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As you also kept your dad’s last name, didn’t take your mom’s or hyphened it, this isn’t an issue of matriarchal vs patriarchal.

This is patriarchal because her partner isn't expected to change his name to that of his father in law, but she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely pick the name that is not near end of alphabet. My kids are always at the ends of lists and sometimes they run out of stuff before getting to end of alphabet. I wish peolel would mix it up more and do it backwards sometimes.

Is this really the kind of thing people worry about when naming their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely pick the name that is not near end of alphabet. My kids are always at the ends of lists and sometimes they run out of stuff before getting to end of alphabet. I wish peolel would mix it up more and do it backwards sometimes.

Is this really the kind of thing people worry about when naming their kids?

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