I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Yikes. Mil sucks and would totally get under my skin. I would 100% delegate to DH after that. He can sit with them in the basement as you prepare the house 🤪

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)

Op - there is no tradition of them coming over at a certain time on Christmas Eve. This is the first time they have ever stayed on xmas eve bc we never used to have the space
They just typically arrive several hours before dh has communicated to arrive at all times. Even if half way through the working day.
To me it’s really odd and inconsiderate. I figured it was a long standing miscommunication/ that dh hadn’t been clear ever. But experiencing it for myself what I found is they do hear but don’t want to be respectful of arrival times if not convenient for them.
I just fundamentally think that’s not fair, I would not do that to them

OP, I don't think you are asking for too much by telling them when to arrive.

But you are asking for too much by expecting them to be happy about it. It's not necessarily inconsiderate to want to come earlier to spend more time with you. Like you said, you have not told them before that it is unacceptable to come early. You are different from them, and that's ok.

This is about you meeting your needs. Full stop. Stop with all the "inconsiderate" "fundamentals" and "fairness".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)

Op - there is no tradition of them coming over at a certain time on Christmas Eve. This is the first time they have ever stayed on xmas eve bc we never used to have the space
They just typically arrive several hours before dh has communicated to arrive at all times. Even if half way through the working day.
To me it’s really odd and inconsiderate. I figured it was a long standing miscommunication/ that dh hadn’t been clear ever. But experiencing it for myself what I found is they do hear but don’t want to be respectful of arrival times if not convenient for them.
I just fundamentally think that’s not fair, I would not do that to them

If your DH doesn’t know how to make sure his parents really understand the importance of this, the next step is to stop inviting them. Period. When they ask why they are no longer invited, that’s when DH can stress the importance of abiding by times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)

Op - there is no tradition of them coming over at a certain time on Christmas Eve. This is the first time they have ever stayed on xmas eve bc we never used to have the space
They just typically arrive several hours before dh has communicated to arrive at all times. Even if half way through the working day.
To me it’s really odd and inconsiderate. I figured it was a long standing miscommunication/ that dh hadn’t been clear ever. But experiencing it for myself what I found is they do hear but don’t want to be respectful of arrival times if not convenient for them.
I just fundamentally think that’s not fair, I would not do that to them

What does that mean specifically? How is the arrival time not convenient? Usually there is a mutual agreement about the timing of things it's not a formal invitation but should be convenient to BOTH parties. You're leaving something out.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day, this comes down to what is important to you. I used to stress about having everything prepped, but then realized that I’d rather spend time with my in-laws than have everything look perfect, and that I could actually learn from my MIL when it came to making everything look perfect but doing 100x less work, as she had years of experience doing this same thing.

Today, my ILs come whenever they make it through the traffic, and they help prep everything so that I can get my relaxation in faster. They also bring lots of wine, etc, to make the prep fun. But that’s all because we have a good relationship that we both worked to build. Not everyone can do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)

Op - there is no tradition of them coming over at a certain time on Christmas Eve. This is the first time they have ever stayed on xmas eve bc we never used to have the space
They just typically arrive several hours before dh has communicated to arrive at all times. Even if half way through the working day.
To me it’s really odd and inconsiderate. I figured it was a long standing miscommunication/ that dh hadn’t been clear ever. But experiencing it for myself what I found is they do hear but don’t want to be respectful of arrival times if not convenient for them.
I just fundamentally think that’s not fair, I would not do that to them

What does that mean specifically? How is the arrival time not convenient? Usually there is a mutual agreement about the timing of things it's not a formal invitation but should be convenient to BOTH parties. You're leaving something out.

I mean I’m not sure how to explain why a 3 hour early arrival time is not convenient
For example they are coming over to see the kids when they get home from aftercare. We say - the kids will be home at 530 so come then. But they come at 230. Dh and I are both working out of a small apartment and pil then sit in the living room watching loud tv, which means one of dh and I has to do hours of zoom calls from a bunk bed. That’s just one (real life) example

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)

Op - there is no tradition of them coming over at a certain time on Christmas Eve. This is the first time they have ever stayed on xmas eve bc we never used to have the space
They just typically arrive several hours before dh has communicated to arrive at all times. Even if half way through the working day.
To me it’s really odd and inconsiderate. I figured it was a long standing miscommunication/ that dh hadn’t been clear ever. But experiencing it for myself what I found is they do hear but don’t want to be respectful of arrival times if not convenient for them.
I just fundamentally think that’s not fair, I would not do that to them

What does that mean specifically? How is the arrival time not convenient? Usually there is a mutual agreement about the timing of things it's not a formal invitation but should be convenient to BOTH parties. You're leaving something out.

I mean I’m not sure how to explain why a 3 hour early arrival time is not convenient
For example they are coming over to see the kids when they get home from aftercare. We say - the kids will be home at 530 so come then. But they come at 230. Dh and I are both working out of a small apartment and pil then sit in the living room watching loud tv, which means one of dh and I has to do hours of zoom calls from a bunk bed. That’s just one (real life) example

The "them" seems to refer to the grandparents. For some reason(s) 5 wasn't convenient (too dark). How far are they traveling? What concerns do they have about such a late arrival? You have concerns about their arrival time but sounds like they do as well and the proposed time doesn't work. This isn't a birthday party at a set time, with visiting relatives normally there is an agreed on time that works for everyone. Why do they want to arrive early exactly? To spend more time with everyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)

Op - there is no tradition of them coming over at a certain time on Christmas Eve. This is the first time they have ever stayed on xmas eve bc we never used to have the space
They just typically arrive several hours before dh has communicated to arrive at all times. Even if half way through the working day.
To me it’s really odd and inconsiderate. I figured it was a long standing miscommunication/ that dh hadn’t been clear ever. But experiencing it for myself what I found is they do hear but don’t want to be respectful of arrival times if not convenient for them.
I just fundamentally think that’s not fair, I would not do that to them

What does that mean specifically? How is the arrival time not convenient? Usually there is a mutual agreement about the timing of things it's not a formal invitation but should be convenient to BOTH parties. You're leaving something out.

I mean I’m not sure how to explain why a 3 hour early arrival time is not convenient
For example they are coming over to see the kids when they get home from aftercare. We say - the kids will be home at 530 so come then. But they come at 230. Dh and I are both working out of a small apartment and pil then sit in the living room watching loud tv, which means one of dh and I has to do hours of zoom calls from a bunk bed. That’s just one (real life) example

DP.

So you cannot see how coming over at 5:30 means getting stuck in traffic vs. coming over at 2:30?

Why cant your DH just tell them that weekday visits for the children does not work for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

It's not worth it. Just as you wish MIL would have said " thats totally fine, MIL wishes you would have asked her for help cooking .You need help prepping for Christmas. And instead of asking your FIL and MIL to chip in, you get rid of them while you are prepping. I can imagine your tone while you were going back and forth with them( yes, it's obvious from this statement about FIL watching loud TV while you are prepping).

It's unusual to tell close family members not to come too early. It's actually more common to ask them for help. In my family, everyone chips in with a meal or drinks or cleaning up,/prepping if they arrive when the food and hosts are not done.

Perhaps you are cooking more than you should. Perhaps your DH is a lazy bum. You should have tried making adjustments in these areas before pulling this option only to feel guilty and have your in laws feeling offended as well.

This is such horseshit. Close family can still ask each other what time the host would like others to arrive and then respect that. If you care about the host, that is what you do. You don’t just run roughshod over their needs and preferences based on your own preferences.

It's interesting how you phrased the bolded. Why not phrase it to say "host can ask". That's because deep down in you, you know that hosts rarely do insist on a particular time for Christmas/Christmas eve - if asked, they give one or suggests when food will be ready but they rarely insist on people coming over after a certain hour.

Additionally, in this case, there has alrleady been an established time - they have been arriving earlier for years. I wouldn't have responded the way her MIL responded.. However OP telling them to come later for her sanity(OP's words) after years of coming early is strange to them. They have no idea that OP had been putting up with them for years. They thought she enjoyed their presence there as much as they enjoyed being there.

But you are right: OP has the right to her preferences. However, she cannot make people feel the way she wants them to feel about her preferences, epecially given the way she presented them and that those preferences seem new. MIL will come around with time, but this particular Christmas will be awkward thanks to OP and MIL both putting their feelings first.

No, it’s because the host is the one doing all the work of hosting, so common decency says you do what you reasonably can to help the host, including not demanding to arrive before the host is ready for you.

I mean really, were some of you raised in a barn?

Why is the host doing all the work?

I was raised on a barn and still live on one. On that barn, we all do the work. The host does more of course, but we all chip in to reduce the stress and enjoy each other's company.

The help OP asked for was that her guests give her time earlier in the day to prepare her part so she isn’t stressed out during their visit. Instead of being willing to give that help graciously, her MIL threw a tantrum.

I wouldn’t expect any other “help” from the in-laws to be any more constructive than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)

Op - there is no tradition of them coming over at a certain time on Christmas Eve. This is the first time they have ever stayed on xmas eve bc we never used to have the space
They just typically arrive several hours before dh has communicated to arrive at all times. Even if half way through the working day.
To me it’s really odd and inconsiderate. I figured it was a long standing miscommunication/ that dh hadn’t been clear ever. But experiencing it for myself what I found is they do hear but don’t want to be respectful of arrival times if not convenient for them.
I just fundamentally think that’s not fair, I would not do that to them

OP, I don't think you are asking for too much by telling them when to arrive.

But you are asking for too much by expecting them to be happy about it. It's not necessarily inconsiderate to want to come earlier to spend more time with you. Like you said, you have not told them before that it is unacceptable to come early. You are different from them, and that's ok.

This is about you meeting your needs. Full stop. Stop with all the "inconsiderate" "fundamentals" and "fairness".

The MIL can be unhappy about it without belittling OP. Mocking someone for taking care of their mental health needs is truly awful and malicious. Why are you so invested in justifying the MIL’s terrible behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

It's not worth it. Just as you wish MIL would have said " thats totally fine, MIL wishes you would have asked her for help cooking .You need help prepping for Christmas. And instead of asking your FIL and MIL to chip in, you get rid of them while you are prepping. I can imagine your tone while you were going back and forth with them( yes, it's obvious from this statement about FIL watching loud TV while you are prepping).

It's unusual to tell close family members not to come too early. It's actually more common to ask them for help. In my family, everyone chips in with a meal or drinks or cleaning up,/prepping if they arrive when the food and hosts are not done.

Perhaps you are cooking more than you should. Perhaps your DH is a lazy bum. You should have tried making adjustments in these areas before pulling this option only to feel guilty and have your in laws feeling offended as well.

This is such horseshit. Close family can still ask each other what time the host would like others to arrive and then respect that. If you care about the host, that is what you do. You don’t just run roughshod over their needs and preferences based on your own preferences.

It's interesting how you phrased the bolded. Why not phrase it to say "host can ask". That's because deep down in you, you know that hosts rarely do insist on a particular time for Christmas/Christmas eve - if asked, they give one or suggests when food will be ready but they rarely insist on people coming over after a certain hour.

Additionally, in this case, there has alrleady been an established time - they have been arriving earlier for years. I wouldn't have responded the way her MIL responded.. However OP telling them to come later for her sanity(OP's words) after years of coming early is strange to them. They have no idea that OP had been putting up with them for years. They thought she enjoyed their presence there as much as they enjoyed being there.

But you are right: OP has the right to her preferences. However, she cannot make people feel the way she wants them to feel about her preferences, epecially given the way she presented them and that those preferences seem new. MIL will come around with time, but this particular Christmas will be awkward thanks to OP and MIL both putting their feelings first.

No, it’s because the host is the one doing all the work of hosting, so common decency says you do what you reasonably can to help the host, including not demanding to arrive before the host is ready for you.

I mean really, were some of you raised in a barn?

Why is the host doing all the work?

I was raised on a barn and still live on one. On that barn, we all do the work. The host does more of course, but we all chip in to reduce the stress and enjoy each other's company.

The help OP asked for was that her guests give her time earlier in the day to prepare her part so she isn’t stressed out during their visit. Instead of being willing to give that help graciously, her MIL threw a tantrum.

I wouldn’t expect any other “help” from the in-laws to be any more constructive than that.

A tantrum, really? I guess you have to get creative to make your point since that's not what OP said at all. Did you read the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

It's not worth it. Just as you wish MIL would have said " thats totally fine, MIL wishes you would have asked her for help cooking .You need help prepping for Christmas. And instead of asking your FIL and MIL to chip in, you get rid of them while you are prepping. I can imagine your tone while you were going back and forth with them( yes, it's obvious from this statement about FIL watching loud TV while you are prepping).

It's unusual to tell close family members not to come too early. It's actually more common to ask them for help. In my family, everyone chips in with a meal or drinks or cleaning up,/prepping if they arrive when the food and hosts are not done.

Perhaps you are cooking more than you should. Perhaps your DH is a lazy bum. You should have tried making adjustments in these areas before pulling this option only to feel guilty and have your in laws feeling offended as well.

This is such horseshit. Close family can still ask each other what time the host would like others to arrive and then respect that. If you care about the host, that is what you do. You don’t just run roughshod over their needs and preferences based on your own preferences.

It's interesting how you phrased the bolded. Why not phrase it to say "host can ask". That's because deep down in you, you know that hosts rarely do insist on a particular time for Christmas/Christmas eve - if asked, they give one or suggests when food will be ready but they rarely insist on people coming over after a certain hour.

Additionally, in this case, there has alrleady been an established time - they have been arriving earlier for years. I wouldn't have responded the way her MIL responded.. However OP telling them to come later for her sanity(OP's words) after years of coming early is strange to them. They have no idea that OP had been putting up with them for years. They thought she enjoyed their presence there as much as they enjoyed being there.

But you are right: OP has the right to her preferences. However, she cannot make people feel the way she wants them to feel about her preferences, epecially given the way she presented them and that those preferences seem new. MIL will come around with time, but this particular Christmas will be awkward thanks to OP and MIL both putting their feelings first.

No, it’s because the host is the one doing all the work of hosting, so common decency says you do what you reasonably can to help the host, including not demanding to arrive before the host is ready for you.

I mean really, were some of you raised in a barn?

Why is the host doing all the work?

I was raised on a barn and still live on one. On that barn, we all do the work. The host does more of course, but we all chip in to reduce the stress and enjoy each other's company.

The help OP asked for was that her guests give her time earlier in the day to prepare her part so she isn’t stressed out during their visit. Instead of being willing to give that help graciously, her MIL threw a tantrum.

I wouldn’t expect any other “help” from the in-laws to be any more constructive than that.

A tantrum, really? I guess you have to get creative to make your point since that's not what OP said at all. Did you read the OP?

Yes, I did read the original post where the MIL degraded OP for taking care of herself.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why I’m so amazed by all the people defending the MIL here, but I am.

A lot of people really don’t seem to think you’re allowed to want or need space from parents once you are grown. To me this is such an old fashioned and unhealthy dynamic. It doesn’t make families closer— it just breeds resentment and makes your grown kids want to push you away.

If I were MIL in this situation and wanted to travel at a certain time, I’d plan on going to a late lunch nearby and then arriving at 4pm. Better yet, I’d ask if we could take the grandkids to a special Christmas Eve lunch with us, pick them up at noon, and then do lunch and a long walk, and arrive at my son and DIL’s house around 4. I mean, if I was up for it, that would be an incredibly kind way to cut my kids a break over the holidays and allow me to spend more quality time with my grandkids.

But I would never insist on showing up 3-4 hours earlier than requested, especially after my DIL had told me that she needs the time to feel ready for overnight guests. Sheesh. Y’all are entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

It's not worth it. Just as you wish MIL would have said " thats totally fine, MIL wishes you would have asked her for help cooking .You need help prepping for Christmas. And instead of asking your FIL and MIL to chip in, you get rid of them while you are prepping. I can imagine your tone while you were going back and forth with them( yes, it's obvious from this statement about FIL watching loud TV while you are prepping).

It's unusual to tell close family members not to come too early. It's actually more common to ask them for help. In my family, everyone chips in with a meal or drinks or cleaning up,/prepping if they arrive when the food and hosts are not done.

Perhaps you are cooking more than you should. Perhaps your DH is a lazy bum. You should have tried making adjustments in these areas before pulling this option only to feel guilty and have your in laws feeling offended as well.

This is such horseshit. Close family can still ask each other what time the host would like others to arrive and then respect that. If you care about the host, that is what you do. You don’t just run roughshod over their needs and preferences based on your own preferences.

It's interesting how you phrased the bolded. Why not phrase it to say "host can ask". That's because deep down in you, you know that hosts rarely do insist on a particular time for Christmas/Christmas eve - if asked, they give one or suggests when food will be ready but they rarely insist on people coming over after a certain hour.

Additionally, in this case, there has alrleady been an established time - they have been arriving earlier for years. I wouldn't have responded the way her MIL responded.. However OP telling them to come later for her sanity(OP's words) after years of coming early is strange to them. They have no idea that OP had been putting up with them for years. They thought she enjoyed their presence there as much as they enjoyed being there.

But you are right: OP has the right to her preferences. However, she cannot make people feel the way she wants them to feel about her preferences, epecially given the way she presented them and that those preferences seem new. MIL will come around with time, but this particular Christmas will be awkward thanks to OP and MIL both putting their feelings first.

No, it’s because the host is the one doing all the work of hosting, so common decency says you do what you reasonably can to help the host, including not demanding to arrive before the host is ready for you.

I mean really, were some of you raised in a barn?

Why is the host doing all the work?

I was raised on a barn and still live on one. On that barn, we all do the work. The host does more of course, but we all chip in to reduce the stress and enjoy each other's company.

The help OP asked for was that her guests give her time earlier in the day to prepare her part so she isn’t stressed out during their visit. Instead of being willing to give that help graciously, her MIL threw a tantrum.

I wouldn’t expect any other “help” from the in-laws to be any more constructive than that.

A tantrum, really? I guess you have to get creative to make your point since that's not what OP said at all. Did you read the OP?

Yes, I did read the original post where the MIL degraded OP for taking care of herself.

She made one comment, but carry on rewriting history. And we still don't know how long the ILs have to travel or what their reasons are for wanting to be early, beyond the darkness. It's telling OP ignores those questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why I’m so amazed by all the people defending the MIL here, but I am.

A lot of people really don’t seem to think you’re allowed to want or need space from parents once you are grown. To me this is such an old fashioned and unhealthy dynamic. It doesn’t make families closer— it just breeds resentment and makes your grown kids want to push you away.

If I were MIL in this situation and wanted to travel at a certain time, I’d plan on going to a late lunch nearby and then arriving at 4pm. Better yet, I’d ask if we could take the grandkids to a special Christmas Eve lunch with us, pick them up at noon, and then do lunch and a long walk, and arrive at my son and DIL’s house around 4. I mean, if I was up for it, that would be an incredibly kind way to cut my kids a break over the holidays and allow me to spend more quality time with my grandkids.

But I would never insist on showing up 3-4 hours earlier than requested, especially after my DIL had told me that she needs the time to feel ready for overnight guests. Sheesh. Y’all are entitled.

It's weird the OP can't get her sad sack husband to speak up about this grave injustice.