I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

It's not worth it. Just as you wish MIL would have said " thats totally fine, MIL wishes you would have asked her for help cooking .You need help prepping for Christmas. And instead of asking your FIL and MIL to chip in, you get rid of them while you are prepping. I can imagine your tone while you were going back and forth with them( yes, it's obvious from this statement about FIL watching loud TV while you are prepping).

It's unusual to tell close family members not to come too early. It's actually more common to ask them for help. In my family, everyone chips in with a meal or drinks or cleaning up,/prepping if they arrive when the food and hosts are not done.

Perhaps you are cooking more than you should. Perhaps your DH is a lazy bum. You should have tried making adjustments in these areas before pulling this option only to feel guilty and have your in laws feeling offended as well.

This is such horseshit. Close family can still ask each other what time the host would like others to arrive and then respect that. If you care about the host, that is what you do. You don’t just run roughshod over their needs and preferences based on your own preferences.

It's interesting how you phrased the bolded. Why not phrase it to say "host can ask". That's because deep down in you, you know that hosts rarely do insist on a particular time for Christmas/Christmas eve - if asked, they give one or suggests when food will be ready but they rarely insist on people coming over after a certain hour.

Additionally, in this case, there has alrleady been an established time - they have been arriving earlier for years. I wouldn't have responded the way her MIL responded.. However OP telling them to come later for her sanity(OP's words) after years of coming early is strange to them. They have no idea that OP had been putting up with them for years. They thought she enjoyed their presence there as much as they enjoyed being there.

But you are right: OP has the right to her preferences. However, she cannot make people feel the way she wants them to feel about her preferences, epecially given the way she presented them and that those preferences seem new. MIL will come around with time, but this particular Christmas will be awkward thanks to OP and MIL both putting their feelings first.

No, it’s because the host is the one doing all the work of hosting, so common decency says you do what you reasonably can to help the host, including not demanding to arrive before the host is ready for you.

I mean really, were some of you raised in a barn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

DP. Why are so hateful and malicious?

I am pretty sure MIL is asking the same thing about OP right now. I mean, who tells their DH's parents not to come to early on Christmas eve?

Someone who needs a little time to hem selves to prepare give everything she is doing to keep her family afloat. The guilty-tripping going on here over OP daring to take care of herself for a few hours is manipulative and abusive.

Agree! DCUM loves to attack though.

Does OP go through unnecessary trouble hosting Christmas to keep her family afloat? Order something from Giant/Safeway and spend the rest of the time watching loud TV with FIL

[Anonymous]

You don't even want to know what your MIL says behind your back. Probably thinks you're really weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

DP. Why are so hateful and malicious?

I am pretty sure MIL is asking the same thing about OP right now. I mean, who tells their DH's parents not to come to early on Christmas eve?

Someone who needs a little time to hem selves to prepare give everything she is doing to keep her family afloat. The guilty-tripping going on here over OP daring to take care of herself for a few hours is manipulative and abusive.

Agree! DCUM loves to attack though.

Does OP go through unnecessary trouble hosting Christmas to keep her family afloat? Order something from Giant/Safeway and spend the rest of the time watching loud TV with FIL

OP leaves it to her "DH to clarify things and he always chickens out". There's the problem right there in a nutshell. She married this bum and he leaves her to handle his parents. She picked a real winner. The problem isn't what time should the grandparents show up on Christmas Eve, is it? Why does nobody have any advice on how to handle the loser husband and instead focusing on the in-laws who are probably doing what their son OK'd? It's his house too as far as they are concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

It's not worth it. Just as you wish MIL would have said " thats totally fine, MIL wishes you would have asked her for help cooking .You need help prepping for Christmas. And instead of asking your FIL and MIL to chip in, you get rid of them while you are prepping. I can imagine your tone while you were going back and forth with them( yes, it's obvious from this statement about FIL watching loud TV while you are prepping).

It's unusual to tell close family members not to come too early. It's actually more common to ask them for help. In my family, everyone chips in with a meal or drinks or cleaning up,/prepping if they arrive when the food and hosts are not done.

Perhaps you are cooking more than you should. Perhaps your DH is a lazy bum. You should have tried making adjustments in these areas before pulling this option only to feel guilty and have your in laws feeling offended as well.

This is such horseshit. Close family can still ask each other what time the host would like others to arrive and then respect that. If you care about the host, that is what you do. You don’t just run roughshod over their needs and preferences based on your own preferences.

It's interesting how you phrased the bolded. Why not phrase it to say "host can ask". That's because deep down in you, you know that hosts rarely do insist on a particular time for Christmas/Christmas eve - if asked, they give one or suggests when food will be ready but they rarely insist on people coming over after a certain hour.

Additionally, in this case, there has alrleady been an established time - they have been arriving earlier for years. I wouldn't have responded the way her MIL responded.. However OP telling them to come later for her sanity(OP's words) after years of coming early is strange to them. They have no idea that OP had been putting up with them for years. They thought she enjoyed their presence there as much as they enjoyed being there.

But you are right: OP has the right to her preferences. However, she cannot make people feel the way she wants them to feel about her preferences, epecially given the way she presented them and that those preferences seem new. MIL will come around with time, but this particular Christmas will be awkward thanks to OP and MIL both putting their feelings first.

No, it’s because the host is the one doing all the work of hosting, so common decency says you do what you reasonably can to help the host, including not demanding to arrive before the host is ready for you.

I mean really, were some of you raised in a barn?

Why is the host doing all the work?

I was raised on a barn and still live on one. On that barn, we all do the work. The host does more of course, but we all chip in to reduce the stress and enjoy each other's company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

DP. Why are so hateful and malicious?

I am pretty sure MIL is asking the same thing about OP right now. I mean, who tells their DH's parents not to come to early on Christmas eve?

Someone who needs a little time to hem selves to prepare give everything she is doing to keep her family afloat. The guilty-tripping going on here over OP daring to take care of herself for a few hours is manipulative and abusive.

Agree! DCUM loves to attack though.

Does OP go through unnecessary trouble hosting Christmas to keep her family afloat? Order something from Giant/Safeway and spend the rest of the time watching loud TV with FIL

OP leaves it to her "DH to clarify things and he always chickens out". There's the problem right there in a nutshell. She married this bum and he leaves her to handle his parents. She picked a real winner. The problem isn't what time should the grandparents show up on Christmas Eve, is it? Why does nobody have any advice on how to handle the loser husband and instead focusing on the in-laws who are probably doing what their son OK'd? It's his house too as far as they are concerned.

According to some pp's responses, OP is taking care of everyone, including her DH. He seems to be one of the children.

[Anonymous]

This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

DP. Why are so hateful and malicious?

I am pretty sure MIL is asking the same thing about OP right now. I mean, who tells their DH's parents not to come to early on Christmas eve?

Someone who needs a little time to hem selves to prepare give everything she is doing to keep her family afloat. The guilty-tripping going on here over OP daring to take care of herself for a few hours is manipulative and abusive.

Agree! DCUM loves to attack though.

Does OP go through unnecessary trouble hosting Christmas to keep her family afloat? Order something from Giant/Safeway and spend the rest of the time watching loud TV with FIL

OP leaves it to her "DH to clarify things and he always chickens out". There's the problem right there in a nutshell. She married this bum and he leaves her to handle his parents. She picked a real winner. The problem isn't what time should the grandparents show up on Christmas Eve, is it? Why does nobody have any advice on how to handle the loser husband and instead focusing on the in-laws who are probably doing what their son OK'd? It's his house too as far as they are concerned.

According to some pp's responses, OP is taking care of everyone, including her DH. He seems to be one of the children.

Even if the in-laws come at the appointed time OP is going to be tired, burnt out, miserable, and doing all the work. She needs a come to Jesus with her husband to get things on track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

DP. Why are so hateful and malicious?

I am pretty sure MIL is asking the same thing about OP right now. I mean, who tells their DH's parents not to come to early on Christmas eve?

Someone who needs a little time to hem selves to prepare give everything she is doing to keep her family afloat. The guilty-tripping going on here over OP daring to take care of herself for a few hours is manipulative and abusive.

Agree! DCUM loves to attack though.

Does OP go through unnecessary trouble hosting Christmas to keep her family afloat? Order something from Giant/Safeway and spend the rest of the time watching loud TV with FIL

OP leaves it to her "DH to clarify things and he always chickens out". There's the problem right there in a nutshell. She married this bum and he leaves her to handle his parents. She picked a real winner. The problem isn't what time should the grandparents show up on Christmas Eve, is it? Why does nobody have any advice on how to handle the loser husband and instead focusing on the in-laws who are probably doing what their son OK'd? It's his house too as far as they are concerned.

Yes, please. Let’s focus on that husband for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

This is the right take. Charity begins at home, and mindless begins to ourselves.

And I routinely tell family— in law and bio— not to come too early when my kids are napping. I am of the philosophy that I don’t torture my kids for others. So if family wants them to play late on Christmas Eve (and they do!) they need to respect their nap and festivities start after they’ve napped in a calm house. I do not apologize for prioritizing my children’s needs over my parents/in-laws wants. No one else should either.

Merry Christmas everyone. OP I’m having a quiet cup of coffee and a very fancy pastry and I wish you the same!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

Why host if you feel so much pressure? Sincere question.

The pandemic would have been the perfect excuse to just take the day off and rest.

I imagine if the mil gets angry about being asked to come in the afternoon on Xmas eve, not hosting was not on the table for op
I dont think hosting is the issue here. Is like saying ‘if you don’t want people to come 6 hours early then don’t have a birthday dinner’

Would MIL have beaten her up for not hosting? What does this mean?

MIL and FIl have been coming over earlier. OP sends a text a day before to change plans, and you and her are surprised that the message is not well received?

The issue is unreasonable expectations that OP has set for herself, her DH, her MIL etc(too little expectations for her DH and too much for herself and her MIL)

Op - there is no tradition of them coming over at a certain time on Christmas Eve. This is the first time they have ever stayed on xmas eve bc we never used to have the space
They just typically arrive several hours before dh has communicated to arrive at all times. Even if half way through the working day.
To me it’s really odd and inconsiderate. I figured it was a long standing miscommunication/ that dh hadn’t been clear ever. But experiencing it for myself what I found is they do hear but don’t want to be respectful of arrival times if not convenient for them.
I just fundamentally think that’s not fair, I would not do that to them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the weirdest thread
No wonder so many women feel depressed and overwhelmed and burned out
If you ever say no, if you ever put your needs first, if you ever say the phrase ‘mental health’ out loud you get excoriated. Not just by your family who may belittle your needs, but by strangers on the internet apparently
We are 2 years into a pandemic. As if working ft with 2 kids generally isn’t enough pressure
Women need to stop abusing each other by setting impossible expectations that if you don’t meet, you are a bad person. Everyone loses

This is the right take. Charity begins at home, and mindless begins to ourselves.

And I routinely tell family— in law and bio— not to come too early when my kids are napping. I am of the philosophy that I don’t torture my kids for others. So if family wants them to play late on Christmas Eve (and they do!) they need to respect their nap and festivities start after they’ve napped in a calm house. I do not apologize for prioritizing my children’s needs over my parents/in-laws wants. No one else should either.

Merry Christmas everyone. OP I’m having a quiet cup of coffee and a very fancy pastry and I wish you the same!!

Ily!