How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My faith in humanity is not restored.

I can not ever imagine saying no to this. To have your daughter go back to her dying friend and their parents and say. “My mom said no - sorry” like they don’t have enough sorrow and grief.

Wow shameful to all of you that would not be 100% in on this if both girls and the dying parents are okay.

Your daughter will never forget the day you looked into her eyes and said no. She will also never forget looking into her dying friends eyes and saying no. Her dying parents will never forget the day their dying daughter’s best friend couldn’t get a small token of forever love.

Talk about permanent. Where is the empathy?!? Just wow.

+1

Can you imagine being 15 and dying? I sure couldn’t. Sad, scary, emotional, and beyond helpless. This girl will not be able to live on, but this tattoo is a namesake for her memory for another (god willing) 70-80 years, which is how long she should have lived

It a beautiful memory and thoughtful idea. I would support it and be there for both of them 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would allow it, and I’m really not a tattoo lover.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My faith in humanity is not restored.

I can not ever imagine saying no to this. To have your daughter go back to her dying friend and their parents and say. “My mom said no - sorry” like they don’t have enough sorrow and grief.

Wow shameful to all of you that would not be 100% in on this if both girls and the dying parents are okay.

Your daughter will never forget the day you looked into her eyes and said no. She will also never forget looking into her dying friends eyes and saying no. Her dying parents will never forget the day their dying daughter’s best friend couldn’t get a small token of forever love.

Talk about permanent. Where is the empathy?!? Just wow.

That sounds like suffocating in grief. I lost a friend in high school. There are CDs that I still cannot listen to. But they are not a physical part of me, on my body, as a tattoo is. I can pick them up when I am ready and put them away when I need to.

[Anonymous]

How would this even possibly be a no?

Some moms are the most uncaring people in the world. You don’t need a license to become a mom and whew, there are some bad ones.

If you say no - YOU go to the friend and their parents and say no. Don’t make your poor daughter to it.

This is a core memory. Do mess it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My faith in humanity is not restored.

I can not ever imagine saying no to this. To have your daughter go back to her dying friend and their parents and say. “My mom said no - sorry” like they don’t have enough sorrow and grief.

Wow shameful to all of you that would not be 100% in on this if both girls and the dying parents are okay.

Your daughter will never forget the day you looked into her eyes and said no. She will also never forget looking into her dying friends eyes and saying no. Her dying parents will never forget the day their dying daughter’s best friend couldn’t get a small token of forever love.

Talk about permanent. Where is the empathy?!? Just wow.

That sounds like suffocating in grief. I lost a friend in high school. There are CDs that I still cannot listen to. But they are not a physical part of me, on my body, as a tattoo is. I can pick them up when I am ready and put them away when I need to.

Suffocating in grief? Just wow

[Anonymous]

Of course yes. What an honor.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I have a tattoos and there is no way in hell I’d allow this. How depressing to be forced to remember this for the rest of your kids life. Don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Do any of you have a tattoo?? This might be the dumbest thread I’ve ever read on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would this even possibly be a no?

Some moms are the most uncaring people in the world. You don’t need a license to become a mom and whew, there are some bad ones.

If you say no - YOU go to the friend and their parents and say no. Don’t make your poor daughter to it.

This is a core memory. Do mess it up.

I would say no and am not uncaring. I would also tell the family myself…no problem with that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

As the parent, I can be the bad guy, and even call the other parent if needed. The harm to this family is that this child is dying not that someone’s parent is unwilling to a permit.

“Being the bad guy” is setting limits on underage drinking. Not further crushing the spirit of a dying teenager, and probably damaging your relationship with your own child, because you are so rigid that you can’t see that life is full of beautiful nuance. I am against tattoos, but I could never say no to this. This is a beautiful thing. Life is messy. Wake up. Your child will remember you refusing this.

NP - you sound awfully rigid, yourself.

Pointing out someone’s rigid thinking does not make one rigid. Try again.

No, it doesn't. Having an all or nothing attitude about a nuanced situation is what makes you seem rigid. "..I could never say no..." "Wake up." "crushing the spirit..." You leave no room to have a rational conversation.

What’s your “rational” concern, lady? That your DD won’t land that wealthy husband you dream about if she has a tattoo?

[Anonymous]

Nope wouldn’t allow it even at 50. No tattoos, no piercings, no hair dye ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope wouldn’t allow it even at 50. No tattoos, no piercings, no hair dye ever.

You don’t have a say anymore when your kids are 50.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

As the parent, I can be the bad guy, and even call the other parent if needed. The harm to this family is that this child is dying not that someone’s parent is unwilling to a permit.

“Being the bad guy” is setting limits on underage drinking. Not further crushing the spirit of a dying teenager, and probably damaging your relationship with your own child, because you are so rigid that you can’t see that life is full of beautiful nuance. I am against tattoos, but I could never say no to this. This is a beautiful thing. Life is messy. Wake up. Your child will remember you refusing this.

NP - you sound awfully rigid, yourself.

Pointing out someone’s rigid thinking does not make one rigid. Try again.

No, it doesn't. Having an all or nothing attitude about a nuanced situation is what makes you seem rigid. "..I could never say no..." "Wake up." "crushing the spirit..." You leave no room to have a rational conversation.

What’s your “rational” concern, lady? That your DD won’t land that wealthy husband you dream about if she has a tattoo?

Different poster: I don’t want my kid making any permanent alterations to her body as a minor. Period. Plenty of people with tattoos have posted in this thread saying they would not allow it.

[Anonymous]

Let her get it. It’s a beautiful idea. Worst case it can be removed later with lasers. Or she might cherish it forever. DCUM parents as a rule have a very , very hard time accepting their kids are their own people. Not an accepting and supportive bunch of parents the second their kids step outside their (the parents’) personal lane of comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would this even possibly be a no?

Some moms are the most uncaring people in the world. You don’t need a license to become a mom and whew, there are some bad ones.

If you say no - YOU go to the friend and their parents and say no. Don’t make your poor daughter to it.

This is a core memory. Do mess it up.

I would say no and am not uncaring. I would also tell the family myself…no problem with that.

You would say no and you don't like to think of yourself as uncaring. But you are.

A fifteen-year-old is dying and has thought of something that would give her some comfort. It's something that's not your style, and I get that, because it's not mine, either. But one of the reasons it's not mine is that even if I liked the way it looked now (I wouldn't), it will look terrible on 30 years.

Your daughter's friend doesn't have 30 years.