How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

As the parent, I can be the bad guy, and even call the other parent if needed. The harm to this family is that this child is dying not that someone’s parent is unwilling to a permit.

“Being the bad guy” is setting limits on underage drinking. Not further crushing the spirit of a dying teenager, and probably damaging your relationship with your own child, because you are so rigid that you can’t see that life is full of beautiful nuance. I am against tattoos, but I could never say no to this. This is a beautiful thing. Life is messy. Wake up. Your child will remember you refusing this.

NP - you sound awfully rigid, yourself.

Pointing out someone’s rigid thinking does not make one rigid. Try again.

No, it doesn't. Having an all or nothing attitude about a nuanced situation is what makes you seem rigid. "..I could never say no..." "Wake up." "crushing the spirit..." You leave no room to have a rational conversation.

What’s your “rational” concern, lady? That your DD won’t land that wealthy husband you dream about if she has a tattoo?

Different poster: I don’t want my kid making any permanent alterations to her body as a minor. Period. Plenty of people with tattoos have posted in this thread saying they would not allow it.

That seems really quite inflexible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I have a tattoos and there is no way in hell I’d allow this. How depressing to be forced to remember this for the rest of your kids life. Don’t do it.

I don't think anyone is forcing anyone

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would allow it but would set limits like -
3" x 3" max and in an area that is covered by short sleeves and shorts - i.e., does not have to be seen or explained by every passer by.
Also, I have tattoos and I am not sure an artist would tattoo a 15 year old, even with parental permission. Please choose a reputable artist and make sure the child with cancer takes into account the risk of infection with a tattoo.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How would this even possibly be a no?

Some moms are the most uncaring people in the world. You don’t need a license to become a mom and whew, there are some bad ones.

If you say no - YOU go to the friend and their parents and say no. Don’t make your poor daughter to it.

This is a core memory. Do mess it up.

I would say no and am not uncaring. I would also tell the family myself…no problem with that.

You would say no and you don't like to think of yourself as uncaring. But you are.

A fifteen-year-old is dying and has thought of something that would give her some comfort. It's something that's not your style, and I get that, because it's not mine, either. But one of the reasons it's not mine is that even if I liked the way it looked now (I wouldn't), it will look terrible on 30 years.

Your daughter's friend doesn't have 30 years.

Sorry, but this act doesn’t classify someone as caring and declining to undertake the act doesn’t classify one as uncaring.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

As the parent, I can be the bad guy, and even call the other parent if needed. The harm to this family is that this child is dying not that someone’s parent is unwilling to a permit.

“Being the bad guy” is setting limits on underage drinking. Not further crushing the spirit of a dying teenager, and probably damaging your relationship with your own child, because you are so rigid that you can’t see that life is full of beautiful nuance. I am against tattoos, but I could never say no to this. This is a beautiful thing. Life is messy. Wake up. Your child will remember you refusing this.

NP - you sound awfully rigid, yourself.

Pointing out someone’s rigid thinking does not make one rigid. Try again.

No, it doesn't. Having an all or nothing attitude about a nuanced situation is what makes you seem rigid. "..I could never say no..." "Wake up." "crushing the spirit..." You leave no room to have a rational conversation.

What’s your “rational” concern, lady? That your DD won’t land that wealthy husband you dream about if she has a tattoo?

Different poster: I don’t want my kid making any permanent alterations to her body as a minor. Period. Plenty of people with tattoos have posted in this thread saying they would not allow it.

That seems really quite inflexible

Maybe, but I have some inflexible rules. No drinking and driving, no tats before you’re over 18, get your vaccines, etc. I’m okay with some requirements being inflexible.

[Anonymous]

I’d allow it. And I don’t like tattoos.

If my kid wanted to laser it off later in life I’d pay for it.

If they feel strongly it’s not worth fighting. It’s beautiful. And if you’re honest, it is reversible. Not that I think she’ll want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I would offer something less permanent like matching necklaces.

Yeah, nothing says "I will remember your tragic life cut short" then a neckless from oriental trading company.

Idiot.

[Anonymous]

How many people who are against the tattoo let their little snowflakes get their ears pierced?

I mean - holes are ok, but inking something about a closer friend dying is horrible?

You guys suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would this even possibly be a no?

Some moms are the most uncaring people in the world. You don’t need a license to become a mom and whew, there are some bad ones.

If you say no - YOU go to the friend and their parents and say no. Don’t make your poor daughter to it.

This is a core memory. Do mess it up.

I would say no and am not uncaring. I would also tell the family myself…no problem with that.

You would say no and you don't like to think of yourself as uncaring. But you are.

A fifteen-year-old is dying and has thought of something that would give her some comfort. It's something that's not your style, and I get that, because it's not mine, either. But one of the reasons it's not mine is that even if I liked the way it looked now (I wouldn't), it will look terrible on 30 years.

Your daughter's friend doesn't have 30 years.

Right. The friend will be long dead and the daughter will still have a hideous trashy tattoo. Either the girls have a lasting bond or they don’t. A tattoo won’t change that. My best friend in college died of a brain aneurysm. I named my daughter after her. And I’m a hard no on the tattoo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I have a tattoos and there is no way in hell I’d allow this. How depressing to be forced to remember this for the rest of your kids life. Don’t do it.

I don't think anyone is forcing anyone

If you are 15 and your dying friend says she wants to get a matching tattoo, saying no would be emotionally really hard and feel like your rejecting your friend/not giving them their last wish. While the friend isn’t forcing her per se, it certainly is something incredibly hard for a 15 yr old to say no and not feel even more terrible for not wanting to get it. Good thing they have parents to make tough choices for them at times

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I have a tattoos and there is no way in hell I’d allow this. How depressing to be forced to remember this for the rest of your kids life. Don’t do it.

I don't think anyone is forcing anyone

If you are 15 and your dying friend says she wants to get a matching tattoo, saying no would be emotionally really hard and feel like your rejecting your friend/not giving them their last wish. While the friend isn’t forcing her per se, it certainly is something incredibly hard for a 15 yr old to say no and not feel even more terrible for not wanting to get it. Good thing they have parents to make tough choices for them at times

And while the parents of the dying girl should say something to their own kid about how this isn’t a great idea, they probably won’t.

[Anonymous]

A bunch of straight up helicopter mamas. A 1-2” ratio in a discreet place and you are crying like they are asking her to take a hand off.

Get real with your Karen attitudes. Embarrassing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of straight up helicopter mamas. A 1-2” ratio in a discreet place and you are crying like they are asking her to take a hand off.

Get real with your Karen attitudes. Embarrassing

DCUM parents cannot handle when their kids step anywhere outside the box proscribed for them. They do this every time with piercings, hair, pronouns, now a small tattoo.

[Anonymous]

Not a chance.

The harsh reality is that the daughter will hopefully live a long life and, while she will undoubtedly be impacted by the loss of her friend, that loss doesn't have to stare back at her in the mirror every day. Or be revisited every time a stranger asks about her tattoo. Or be ever-present because of a token gesture given at the peak of her grief.

To all those who think this is uncaring, how many of you have memorial tattoos of those you've lost? Your friends, your parents, etc? Exceptionally few, I imagine. Why? Because there are myriad other ways to memorialize loved ones. Saying no to a tattoo doesn't mean you don't care. It just means it's not the way in which you want to remember this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of straight up helicopter mamas. A 1-2” ratio in a discreet place and you are crying like they are asking her to take a hand off.

Get real with your Karen attitudes. Embarrassing

There is a reason 15 year olds aren’t allowed to consent to this on their own. They are immature. Parents get to decide. Deal with it.