How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a chance.

The harsh reality is that the daughter will hopefully live a long life and, while she will undoubtedly be impacted by the loss of her friend, that loss doesn't have to stare back at her in the mirror every day. Or be revisited every time a stranger asks about her tattoo. Or be ever-present because of a token gesture given at the peak of her grief.

To all those who think this is uncaring, how many of you have memorial tattoos of those you've lost? Your friends, your parents, etc? Exceptionally few, I imagine. Why? Because there are myriad other ways to memorialize loved ones. Saying no to a tattoo doesn't mean you don't care. It just means it's not the way in which you want to remember this person.

I don't have a memorial tattoo myself since no one in this position ever asked me to get a memorial tattoo with them. I guess what I would say is that I don't think that the parent who says "not a chance" to this request is an uncaring person or an uncaring parent, since most of the no answers are motivated by concern for the surviving child and her mental health. I do think that denying the request on the grounds that it might be upsetting later is a bit reductive and will definitely be perceived by the teens as uncaring. Teens are not adults, but they are also not small children who are incapable of critical thinking and planning. These particular kids are also going through an unimaginably sad thing together, and that tends to instill some sad maturity all on its own. I do not think it's fair to imply that the surviving friend is going to change her mind about this decision in the immediate future. My bigger concern about denying the request is that this is likely to be a very difficult time for OP's daughter, and denying the request would create conflict between mom and daughter at the worst time over something that, to me, just isn't worth that kind of rupture. Tattoos can be removed. It's only as permanent as dyeing your hair, realistically, and in the OP's position, I would choose to support the friendship and support my daughter, even recognizing that she may regret getting the tattoo later. I would feel that my responsibility would be to help her process the loss that is happening now rather than make decisions based on potential regrets or questions later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of straight up helicopter mamas. A 1-2” ratio in a discreet place and you are crying like they are asking her to take a hand off.

Get real with your Karen attitudes. Embarrassing

DCUM parents cannot handle when their kids step anywhere outside the box proscribed for them. They do this every time with piercings, hair, pronouns, now a small tattoo.

+1

Terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of straight up helicopter mamas. A 1-2” ratio in a discreet place and you are crying like they are asking her to take a hand off.

Get real with your Karen attitudes. Embarrassing

DCUM parents cannot handle when their kids step anywhere outside the box proscribed for them. They do this every time with piercings, hair, pronouns, now a small tattoo.

+1

Terrible.

-1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of straight up helicopter mamas. A 1-2” ratio in a discreet place and you are crying like they are asking her to take a hand off.

Get real with your Karen attitudes. Embarrassing

I don't think you know what a Karen is. A Karen is not someone who cares about their kid and is looking out for their best interest. Whether you think it is or not, is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! That is between me and my kid. Knowing my kid they would say yes to the tattoo but, not really want it and look to me to say no. Again, you can get your kid a tattoo but, just because other people make different choices than you does not make them a "Karen" or uncaring or whatever you think we are.

[Anonymous]

It’s between the girls. Thank you for being supportive and considering your daughter’s experience. No matter the choice you are listening to her and that’s so important. She’ll feel safer coming to you with complex emotions and the shorthand is built in with her grieving process.

Right now, I have a dear friend whose prognosis is unclear. The grief is not just after. Being able to talk to someone about the layers of sadness and uncertainty has been invaluable to me.

I’d like to add one more option for the tattoo. The first letter of each of their names. Maybe the friend’s on your child and the opposite on friend. It’s a smaller design and might be a good compromise. Or the first letter of a word that means something to them together. I like the idea they have but this is also smaller while being intentional.

No matter what is decided I’m so sorry for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s between the girls. Thank you for being supportive and considering your daughter’s experience. No matter the choice you are listening to her and that’s so important. She’ll feel safer coming to you with complex emotions and the shorthand is built in with her grieving process.

Right now, I have a dear friend whose prognosis is unclear. The grief is not just after. Being able to talk to someone about the layers of sadness and uncertainty has been invaluable to me.

I’d like to add one more option for the tattoo. The first letter of each of their names. Maybe the friend’s on your child and the opposite on friend. It’s a smaller design and might be a good compromise. Or the first letter of a word that means something to them together. I like the idea they have but this is also smaller while being intentional.

No matter what is decided I’m so sorry for all.

No, a decision like this is not just between the girls. If a dying kid wanted to know what sex was like and wanted to have sex with your kid, would you allow it? It would create happiness in the dying child's mind and a memory for the healthy one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a chance.

The harsh reality is that the daughter will hopefully live a long life and, while she will undoubtedly be impacted by the loss of her friend, that loss doesn't have to stare back at her in the mirror every day. Or be revisited every time a stranger asks about her tattoo. Or be ever-present because of a token gesture given at the peak of her grief.

To all those who think this is uncaring, how many of you have memorial tattoos of those you've lost? Your friends, your parents, etc? Exceptionally few, I imagine. Why? Because there are myriad other ways to memorialize loved ones. Saying no to a tattoo doesn't mean you don't care. It just means it's not the way in which you want to remember this person.

I don't have a memorial tattoo myself since no one in this position ever asked me to get a memorial tattoo with them. I guess what I would say is that I don't think that the parent who says "not a chance" to this request is an uncaring person or an uncaring parent, since most of the no answers are motivated by concern for the surviving child and her mental health. I do think that denying the request on the grounds that it might be upsetting later is a bit reductive and will definitely be perceived by the teens as uncaring. Teens are not adults, but they are also not small children who are incapable of critical thinking and planning. These particular kids are also going through an unimaginably sad thing together, and that tends to instill some sad maturity all on its own. I do not think it's fair to imply that the surviving friend is going to change her mind about this decision in the immediate future. My bigger concern about denying the request is that this is likely to be a very difficult time for OP's daughter, and denying the request would create conflict between mom and daughter at the worst time over something that, to me, just isn't worth that kind of rupture. Tattoos can be removed. It's only as permanent as dyeing your hair, realistically, and in the OP's position, I would choose to support the friendship and support my daughter, even recognizing that she may regret getting the tattoo later. I would feel that my responsibility would be to help her process the loss that is happening now rather than make decisions based on potential regrets or questions later.

Agree with the first PP on the reasons to NOT let your daughter do this. All those saying she can just remove it are naive. It is lengthy and expensive process to remove a tattoo. It can take years and thousand of dollars. You need to have 6-10 laser removal sessions, 2-3 months apart, and average cost is $463 per session. And complete removal isn’t guaranteed, plus there is chance of scaring from the removal process. This is not something to be flippant about

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s between the girls. Thank you for being supportive and considering your daughter’s experience. No matter the choice you are listening to her and that’s so important. She’ll feel safer coming to you with complex emotions and the shorthand is built in with her grieving process.

Right now, I have a dear friend whose prognosis is unclear. The grief is not just after. Being able to talk to someone about the layers of sadness and uncertainty has been invaluable to me.

I’d like to add one more option for the tattoo. The first letter of each of their names. Maybe the friend’s on your child and the opposite on friend. It’s a smaller design and might be a good compromise. Or the first letter of a word that means something to them together. I like the idea they have but this is also smaller while being intentional.

No matter what is decided I’m so sorry for all.

No, a decision like this is not just between the girls. If a dying kid wanted to know what sex was like and wanted to have sex with your kid, would you allow it? It would create happiness in the dying child's mind and a memory for the healthy one.

Wow.

Maybe step back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a chance.

The harsh reality is that the daughter will hopefully live a long life and, while she will undoubtedly be impacted by the loss of her friend, that loss doesn't have to stare back at her in the mirror every day. Or be revisited every time a stranger asks about her tattoo. Or be ever-present because of a token gesture given at the peak of her grief.

To all those who think this is uncaring, how many of you have memorial tattoos of those you've lost? Your friends, your parents, etc? Exceptionally few, I imagine. Why? Because there are myriad other ways to memorialize loved ones. Saying no to a tattoo doesn't mean you don't care. It just means it's not the way in which you want to remember this person.

I don't have a memorial tattoo myself since no one in this position ever asked me to get a memorial tattoo with them. I guess what I would say is that I don't think that the parent who says "not a chance" to this request is an uncaring person or an uncaring parent, since most of the no answers are motivated by concern for the surviving child and her mental health. I do think that denying the request on the grounds that it might be upsetting later is a bit reductive and will definitely be perceived by the teens as uncaring. Teens are not adults, but they are also not small children who are incapable of critical thinking and planning. These particular kids are also going through an unimaginably sad thing together, and that tends to instill some sad maturity all on its own. I do not think it's fair to imply that the surviving friend is going to change her mind about this decision in the immediate future. My bigger concern about denying the request is that this is likely to be a very difficult time for OP's daughter, and denying the request would create conflict between mom and daughter at the worst time over something that, to me, just isn't worth that kind of rupture. Tattoos can be removed. It's only as permanent as dyeing your hair, realistically, and in the OP's position, I would choose to support the friendship and support my daughter, even recognizing that she may regret getting the tattoo later. I would feel that my responsibility would be to help her process the loss that is happening now rather than make decisions based on potential regrets or questions later.

Agree with the first PP on the reasons to NOT let your daughter do this. All those saying she can just remove it are naive. It is lengthy and expensive process to remove a tattoo. It can take years and thousand of dollars. You need to have 6-10 laser removal sessions, 2-3 months apart, and average cost is $463 per session. And complete removal isn’t guaranteed, plus there is chance of scaring from the removal process. This is not something to be flippant about

I think people are also underestimating the emotional complication of removing a memorial tattoo. Like, how can you not see a world where the DD no longer wants it, but feels terrible actually removing it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a chance.

The harsh reality is that the daughter will hopefully live a long life and, while she will undoubtedly be impacted by the loss of her friend, that loss doesn't have to stare back at her in the mirror every day. Or be revisited every time a stranger asks about her tattoo. Or be ever-present because of a token gesture given at the peak of her grief.

To all those who think this is uncaring, how many of you have memorial tattoos of those you've lost? Your friends, your parents, etc? Exceptionally few, I imagine. Why? Because there are myriad other ways to memorialize loved ones. Saying no to a tattoo doesn't mean you don't care. It just means it's not the way in which you want to remember this person.

I don't have a memorial tattoo myself since no one in this position ever asked me to get a memorial tattoo with them. I guess what I would say is that I don't think that the parent who says "not a chance" to this request is an uncaring person or an uncaring parent, since most of the no answers are motivated by concern for the surviving child and her mental health. I do think that denying the request on the grounds that it might be upsetting later is a bit reductive and will definitely be perceived by the teens as uncaring. Teens are not adults, but they are also not small children who are incapable of critical thinking and planning. These particular kids are also going through an unimaginably sad thing together, and that tends to instill some sad maturity all on its own. I do not think it's fair to imply that the surviving friend is going to change her mind about this decision in the immediate future. My bigger concern about denying the request is that this is likely to be a very difficult time for OP's daughter, and denying the request would create conflict between mom and daughter at the worst time over something that, to me, just isn't worth that kind of rupture. Tattoos can be removed. It's only as permanent as dyeing your hair, realistically, and in the OP's position, I would choose to support the friendship and support my daughter, even recognizing that she may regret getting the tattoo later. I would feel that my responsibility would be to help her process the loss that is happening now rather than make decisions based on potential regrets or questions later.

Agree with the first PP on the reasons to NOT let your daughter do this. All those saying she can just remove it are naive. It is lengthy and expensive process to remove a tattoo. It can take years and thousand of dollars. You need to have 6-10 laser removal sessions, 2-3 months apart, and average cost is $463 per session. And complete removal isn’t guaranteed, plus there is chance of scaring from the removal process. This is not something to be flippant about

I think people are also underestimating the emotional complication of removing a memorial tattoo. Like, how can you not see a world where the DD no longer wants it, but feels terrible actually removing it?

Yes, good point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think people are also underestimating the emotional complication of removing a memorial tattoo. Like, how can you not see a world where the DD no longer wants it, but feels terrible actually removing it?

Yes, good point

Crummy point.

I can see someone reaching that point, but there's no deadline by which the tattoo has to come off. The daughter can wait until she feels ready to have it removed; I can certainly see how an emotionally mature person could be glad she did this thing for a friend AND think that it has served its purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of straight up helicopter mamas. A 1-2” ratio in a discreet place and you are crying like they are asking her to take a hand off.

Get real with your Karen attitudes. Embarrassing

DCUM parents cannot handle when their kids step anywhere outside the box proscribed for them. They do this every time with piercings, hair, pronouns, now a small tattoo.

dp How about this. You raise your kids how you want them to be raised, without judgement and we will do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of straight up helicopter mamas. A 1-2” ratio in a discreet place and you are crying like they are asking her to take a hand off.

Get real with your Karen attitudes. Embarrassing

DCUM parents cannot handle when their kids step anywhere outside the box proscribed for them. They do this every time with piercings, hair, pronouns, now a small tattoo.

dp How about this. You raise your kids how you want them to be raised, without judgement and we will do the same.

NP looks like PP got your number.

[Anonymous]

Teens are not adults, but they are also not small children who are incapable of critical thinking and planning. These particular kids are also going through an unimaginably sad thing together, and that tends to instill some sad maturity all on its own. I do not think it's fair to imply that the surviving friend is going to change her mind about this decision in the immediate future. My bigger concern about denying the request is that this is likely to be a very difficult time for OP's daughter, and denying the request would create conflict between mom and daughter at the worst time over something that, to me, just isn't worth that kind of rupture. Tattoos can be removed. It's only as permanent as dyeing your hair, realistically, and in the OP's position, I would choose to support the friendship and support my daughter, even recognizing that she may regret getting the tattoo later. I would feel that my responsibility would be to help her process the loss that is happening now rather than make decisions based on potential regrets or questions later.

This is very thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

If it's legal, I would definitely sign for it. A lot of you people act like tattoos are the worst thing a person can do to themselves. Ink is art. Teach your kids to get tasteful ink from reputable artists. And stop clutching your pearls.