How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

As the parent, I can be the bad guy, and even call the other parent if needed. The harm to this family is that this child is dying not that someone’s parent is unwilling to a permit.

“Being the bad guy” is setting limits on underage drinking. Not further crushing the spirit of a dying teenager, and probably damaging your relationship with your own child, because you are so rigid that you can’t see that life is full of beautiful nuance. I am against tattoos, but I could never say no to this. This is a beautiful thing. Life is messy. Wake up. Your child will remember you refusing this.

NP - you sound awfully rigid, yourself.

Pointing out someone’s rigid thinking does not make one rigid. Try again.

No, it doesn't. Having an all or nothing attitude about a nuanced situation is what makes you seem rigid. "..I could never say no..." "Wake up." "crushing the spirit..." You leave no room to have a rational conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

NP -- your take isn't fair. Parents can weigh the choices and make different decisions than you -- in good faith-- and it doesn't make them bad parents. Getting a tattoo -- or not getting a tattoo -- isn't going to change the tragic nature of this situation at all.

NP. Eh, I'm willing to say that the parents who wouldn't allow it aren't good parents, at least not in this instance.

Dp. Guess what? I dont care if you think I am a terrible parent if I don't encourage MY kid not to get a tattoo. I don't think you are terrible for allowing it but could care less what you think

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

NP -- your take isn't fair. Parents can weigh the choices and make different decisions than you -- in good faith-- and it doesn't make them bad parents. Getting a tattoo -- or not getting a tattoo -- isn't going to change the tragic nature of this situation at all.

NP. Eh, I'm willing to say that the parents who wouldn't allow it aren't good parents, at least not in this instance.

Dp. Guess what? I dont care if you think I am a terrible parent if I don't encourage MY kid not to get a tattoo. I don't think you are terrible for allowing it but could care less what you think

You’re such a bad writer.

[Anonymous]

The conversation isn’t moving forward. Please stop bickering.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thinks it pretty likely that she gets a stick and poke if she isn't allowed to get one in a shop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would your pediatrician have some wise advice?

You moms are insane. Her friend is DYING!!!!

Tattoos aren’t even permanent anymore.

It is a beautiful gesture to someone living their last days. I would absolutely allow it.

Life is short people. Calm the F down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

NP -- your take isn't fair. Parents can weigh the choices and make different decisions than you -- in good faith-- and it doesn't make them bad parents. Getting a tattoo -- or not getting a tattoo -- isn't going to change the tragic nature of this situation at all.

NP. Eh, I'm willing to say that the parents who wouldn't allow it aren't good parents, at least not in this instance.

Dp. Guess what? I dont care if you think I am a terrible parent if I don't encourage MY kid not to get a tattoo. I don't think you are terrible for allowing it but could care less what you think

You might not be a terrible parent, but you sure are a selfish overbearing mom whose daughter will resent you for life for not allowing this.

[Anonymous]

OP, this would be a great example of self sacrifice. You are worried about your daughter getting a tattoo. Maybe part of her is, too. For various reasons. But letting her do this with her friend, to give a dying teenager even one ounce of happiness while being consumed by grief of her own impending death. Telling her friend "I will never forget you, and the world will not forget you, because I will talk about you when anyone asks about this tattoo". Sacrificing the image you'd ideally like your daughter to have (tattooless) to bring both her, and her friend, some comfort would be a huge an act of love and self sacrifice and something your daughter would only take positive lessons from.

Your daughter's brain isn't developed enough to make these big decisions, no. But you can allow it this one time if you wish. Maybe she'll regret it later, but maybe not. She will not forget you forbidding it, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would your pediatrician have some wise advice?

You moms are insane. Her friend is DYING!!!!

Tattoos aren’t even permanent anymore.

It is a beautiful gesture to someone living their last days. I would absolutely allow it.

Life is short people. Calm the F down.

Every single bit of this.

OP, let your daughter wear a sign of compassion. She is going to have to endure some pain for it. She may change her mind. Let HER decide. She isnt 12.

I think its the sweetest thing I've heard in a very long time. PLEASE do not mess up this last thing your daughter can do for her friend.

Signed, non tattoo wearing cancer survivor.

[Anonymous]

You can show love and compassion without permanent ink. Get some engraved bracelets or something, good grief. This would be a gentle, but definite, NO from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can show love and compassion without permanent ink. Get some engraved bracelets or something, good grief. This would be a gentle, but definite, NO from me.

The girl is DYING not moving to another state!! Laser treatments have come a very long way. As long as it was something very simple and small I'd let my kid do it if it truly was one of the friend's last wishes. At 15 she is only 3 years away from becoming a legal adult! She will likely hold a lot of guilt for not doing this with her friend and resentment towards her mother. We aren't talking about a 10 year old. It's a big thing to ask from a parent but this is an extremely delicate situation.

[Anonymous]

My faith in humanity is not restored.

I can not ever imagine saying no to this. To have your daughter go back to her dying friend and their parents and say. “My mom said no - sorry” like they don’t have enough sorrow and grief.

Wow shameful to all of you that would not be 100% in on this if both girls and the dying parents are okay.

Your daughter will never forget the day you looked into her eyes and said no. She will also never forget looking into her dying friends eyes and saying no. Her dying parents will never forget the day their dying daughter’s best friend couldn’t get a small token of forever love.

Talk about permanent. Where is the empathy?!? Just wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not a tattoo person and until a few minutes ago would not have imagined any scenario where I’d let my 15-year-old DD get a tatoo. But in this case I would definitely allow it. I think it is a lovely idea.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can show love and compassion without permanent ink. Get some engraved bracelets or something, good grief. This would be a gentle, but definite, NO from me.

Permanence is kinda the point of tattooing yourself in someone's memory

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can show love and compassion without permanent ink. Get some engraved bracelets or something, good grief. This would be a gentle, but definite, NO from me.

Permanence is kinda the point of tattooing yourself in someone's memory

Exactly. And it’s a perfect moment for these two girls. Thank you for considering it thoughtfully, OP.