How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think people are also underestimating the emotional complication of removing a memorial tattoo. Like, how can you not see a world where the DD no longer wants it, but feels terrible actually removing it?

Yes, good point

Crummy point.

I can see someone reaching that point, but there's no deadline by which the tattoo has to come off. The daughter can wait until she feels ready to have it removed; I can certainly see how an emotionally mature person could be glad she did this thing for a friend AND think that it has served its purpose.

You sure are invested in this tattoo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A bunch of straight up helicopter mamas. A 1-2” ratio in a discreet place and you are crying like they are asking her to take a hand off.

Get real with your Karen attitudes. Embarrassing

DCUM parents cannot handle when their kids step anywhere outside the box proscribed for them. They do this every time with piercings, hair, pronouns, now a small tattoo.

dp How about this. You raise your kids how you want them to be raised, without judgement and we will do the same.

NP looks like PP got your number.

I’m betting the poster who seems to care so much doesn’t even have a teenage child.

[Anonymous]

I have a tattoo that I wish I had not gotten. You know what I do? I accept myself and where I was when it happened. And really the only thing I dislike about it was the artist. They were rushing. It changed the experience. I have others that feel different, largely because I was ready and the person inking me was professional and an expert in their craft. It matters.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are not going to remember all the decisions and choices you made over their life. You think they will but they won’t. What they’ll ultimately remember is the KIND of parent you were: loving, supportive, always there for them, providing advice but letting you make the choice, helping you learn from a mistake? Or rigid, inflexible, unwilling to bend, restrictive, demanding, never willing to hear their POV, always thinking you were right, never empathizing. Ask yourself honestly what kind you remember your parents being and which you want your kids to remember you as.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are not going to remember all the decisions and choices you made over their life. You think they will but they won’t. What they’ll ultimately remember is the KIND of parent you were: loving, supportive, always there for them, providing advice but letting you make the choice, helping you learn from a mistake? Or rigid, inflexible, unwilling to bend, restrictive, demanding, never willing to hear their POV, always thinking you were right, never empathizing. Ask yourself honestly what kind you remember your parents being and which you want your kids to remember you as.

Nah. You kid isn't going to remember ALL the decisions and choices I made over his life. I do agree, however, that kids will remember the kind of parent you were. Regardless, I don't see that a parent making a decision that is final makes that parent the bolded adjectives. WE ALL have boundaries we will not cross in our lives. (Well, if we are mentally healthy, we do.) You have those boundaries, also, dear.

Oh, and you're absolutely wrong by thinking a hard "no" on this issue means I wouldn't empathize. I would. I still wouldn't bend though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's legal, I would definitely sign for it. A lot of you people act like tattoos are the worst thing a person can do to themselves. Ink is art. Teach your kids to get tasteful ink from reputable artists. And stop clutching your pearls.

I have a large tattoo, and I’m a strong no vote. I work as a professional and many people still think tattoos are trashy. Leaving aside the fact I think someone needs to be old enough to vote and drink before they make a permanent decision to their body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My faith in humanity is not restored.

I can not ever imagine saying no to this. To have your daughter go back to her dying friend and their parents and say. “My mom said no - sorry” like they don’t have enough sorrow and grief.

Wow shameful to all of you that would not be 100% in on this if both girls and the dying parents are okay.

Your daughter will never forget the day you looked into her eyes and said no. She will also never forget looking into her dying friends eyes and saying no. Her dying parents will never forget the day their dying daughter’s best friend couldn’t get a small token of forever love.

Talk about permanent. Where is the empathy?!? Just wow.

+1

Can you imagine being 15 and dying? I sure couldn’t. Sad, scary, emotional, and beyond helpless. This girl will not be able to live on, but this tattoo is a namesake for her memory for another (god willing) 70-80 years, which is how long she should have lived

It a beautiful memory and thoughtful idea. I would support it and be there for both of them 100%

Maybe the girls parents should get the tattoo then and not a child. Give me a break.

[Anonymous]

They should stick to small and discreet, and neutral. Nothing that might cause people to ask casual questions about something that’s obviously significant, which your DD might not feel totally comfortable talking about with random people, especially in the early days after her friend’s death. .

[Anonymous]

I have a hard time with this- it does seem emotionally manipulative (likely unintentionally). The friend who lives - to carry this tattoo for the rest of her life - it is potentially too much. It is asking a 15 year old to carry this death with her everywhere for the rest of her life. Maybe it will be a good memory. But maybe not, over time.

I would have some serious conversations with my child and really discourage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a chance.

The harsh reality is that the daughter will hopefully live a long life and, while she will undoubtedly be impacted by the loss of her friend, that loss doesn't have to stare back at her in the mirror every day. Or be revisited every time a stranger asks about her tattoo. Or be ever-present because of a token gesture given at the peak of her grief.

To all those who think this is uncaring, how many of you have memorial tattoos of those you've lost? Your friends, your parents, etc? Exceptionally few, I imagine. Why? Because there are myriad other ways to memorialize loved ones. Saying no to a tattoo doesn't mean you don't care. It just means it's not the way in which you want to remember this person.

I don't have a memorial tattoo myself since no one in this position ever asked me to get a memorial tattoo with them. I guess what I would say is that I don't think that the parent who says "not a chance" to this request is an uncaring person or an uncaring parent, since most of the no answers are motivated by concern for the surviving child and her mental health. I do think that denying the request on the grounds that it might be upsetting later is a bit reductive and will definitely be perceived by the teens as uncaring. Teens are not adults, but they are also not small children who are incapable of critical thinking and planning. These particular kids are also going through an unimaginably sad thing together, and that tends to instill some sad maturity all on its own. I do not think it's fair to imply that the surviving friend is going to change her mind about this decision in the immediate future. My bigger concern about denying the request is that this is likely to be a very difficult time for OP's daughter, and denying the request would create conflict between mom and daughter at the worst time over something that, to me, just isn't worth that kind of rupture. Tattoos can be removed. It's only as permanent as dyeing your hair, realistically, and in the OP's position, I would choose to support the friendship and support my daughter, even recognizing that she may regret getting the tattoo later. I would feel that my responsibility would be to help her process the loss that is happening now rather than make decisions based on potential regrets or questions later.

PP here. Thanks for the thoughtful reply. Two thoughts.

1) Saying no to the tattoo doesn't preclude any other means of bonding in the girl's final days. There are many other ways the girls can create meaningful moments and experiences and bonds that extend beyond a tattoo.

2) As others have said, removing a tattoo is not a trivial thing financially or physically. But, more importantly, there would be tremendous emotional weight associated with removing a tattoo like this. Hell, I feel guilty removing my dead grandmother from my favorites on my cell phone. I can't imagine what it would take for somebody to remove a tattoo like this even if they no longer wanted it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a chance.

The harsh reality is that the daughter will hopefully live a long life and, while she will undoubtedly be impacted by the loss of her friend, that loss doesn't have to stare back at her in the mirror every day. Or be revisited every time a stranger asks about her tattoo. Or be ever-present because of a token gesture given at the peak of her grief.

To all those who think this is uncaring, how many of you have memorial tattoos of those you've lost? Your friends, your parents, etc? Exceptionally few, I imagine. Why? Because there are myriad other ways to memorialize loved ones. Saying no to a tattoo doesn't mean you don't care. It just means it's not the way in which you want to remember this person.

I don't have a memorial tattoo myself since no one in this position ever asked me to get a memorial tattoo with them. I guess what I would say is that I don't think that the parent who says "not a chance" to this request is an uncaring person or an uncaring parent, since most of the no answers are motivated by concern for the surviving child and her mental health. I do think that denying the request on the grounds that it might be upsetting later is a bit reductive and will definitely be perceived by the teens as uncaring. Teens are not adults, but they are also not small children who are incapable of critical thinking and planning. These particular kids are also going through an unimaginably sad thing together, and that tends to instill some sad maturity all on its own. I do not think it's fair to imply that the surviving friend is going to change her mind about this decision in the immediate future. My bigger concern about denying the request is that this is likely to be a very difficult time for OP's daughter, and denying the request would create conflict between mom and daughter at the worst time over something that, to me, just isn't worth that kind of rupture. Tattoos can be removed. It's only as permanent as dyeing your hair, realistically, and in the OP's position, I would choose to support the friendship and support my daughter, even recognizing that she may regret getting the tattoo later. I would feel that my responsibility would be to help her process the loss that is happening now rather than make decisions based on potential regrets or questions later.

PP here. Thanks for the thoughtful reply. Two thoughts.

1) Saying no to the tattoo doesn't preclude any other means of bonding in the girl's final days. There are many other ways the girls can create meaningful moments and experiences and bonds that extend beyond a tattoo.

2) As others have said, removing a tattoo is not a trivial thing financially or physically. But, more importantly, there would be tremendous emotional weight associated with removing a tattoo like this. Hell, I feel guilty removing my dead grandmother from my favorites on my cell phone. I can't imagine what it would take for somebody to remove a tattoo like this even if they no longer wanted it.

I am the one who wrote that people underestimate the emotions surrounding removal. My grandmother passed away back when we used paper address/phone books. I could never erase her name even when I ran out of room.

[Anonymous]

I doubt any reputable place would tattoo either child.

[Anonymous]

I just would like to take a moment to APPLAUD the bored teen (perhaps teens?) who are fueling this thread. You are masters of your craft, and I fear where you will troll next.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you're still reading this, I'm so sorry, this is a devastating situation. I'm late to this thread and it looks like it had a few pages of genuine responses and then a handful of people on control trips took it off the rails-- I'm sorry you have to see all that when you're about to be mourning the loss of a child close to your family.

FWIW, I am a tattoo person, and want to point out that a lot of the profession is about *not* giving tattoos-- any professional artist is going to have a lot of day to day experience talking clients out of getting awful tattoos they'll regret, or turning away teenagers who are impulsively trying to get tattoos but aren't ready. I don't think any artist would turn away your daughter and her friend. They'll also have advice for your daughter-- probably in a consultation and not the actual appointment when both girls are there-- about whether getting a memorial tattoo somewhere visible is (or is not) going to invite curious comments that might disturb her grieving process, like a poster very early in the thread pointed out. Your daughter's friend may not want to disclose that she has a terminal diagnosis but might want to tell her artist that she has a suppressed immune system to make sure they're thorough when walking her through infection protocol, it's not likely, but not something she or her family need to deal with right now.

I hope the girls have a positive, meaningful experience together, and I'm so sorry for everything your daughter and her friend are going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a DCUM wake up moment. We literally have to be one of the last metropolitans and areas of the country where tattoos are shunned. Literally go to the west coast. Entire people covered in tats. By the time your daughter is a professional, DC will be the same. Lots of people have tats (covered) in this town and more will have them uncovered.

I know.. we recently moved out of DC and my kids commented on how every single one of the school staff has some sort of tattoo, most are really small i think b/c these are some straight laced people, i would NEVER have thought they had a tattoo. There is zero stigma, i'm super conservative as is my husband. he works in a pretty stuffy law firm, one of the big ones and i think even there, having small tattoo on your inner arm or ankle is no biggie, it just has to be able to be covered up in court and some of these judges still make the women wear skirt suits. I think people make a good point of a constant reminder of grief or loss though, maybe have your daughter place it in an area that won't be visible all the time like above her elbow, on the inside, or her hip, she doesn't want to have to be explaining it to random strangers or forced to look at all the time and become numb to its meaning or carry around survivors guilt.