Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

+1

He admitted to not helping with camps snd tours.

Where did he state she cooks and cleans and does his laundry and he doesn’t help?

#projecting

[Anonymous]

Even though it seems as if she willingly left her career/job, probably in the back of her mind, it wasn't leaving, it was postponing. When the kids are in school, when the kids are teenagers, when things aren't so busy, when our schedule slows down - I'll be able to go back and do somethings I always wanted and planned on.

Now she's realizing how much time has passed and none of it has happened. And feels she's running out of time to have or do something she always thought she would. Yes, kind of a mid-life crisis, but that doesn't make it any easier if she plans and dreams and she's facing that they won't ever be realized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she said something to me last night that's tough to swallow or interpret. Basically, she tired of being my wife. Not personally, although it's hard to not take it personally. More about being in my shadow. I am in a somewhat high profile field that gets some media attention, the usual accolades if a project goes well, etc. We met in grad school so she feels its unfair and knows it not fair and she should feel happy and she is proud, etc. but it's swallowed her identity.

Also, she's tired of being in "polite society" and making small talk with my clients, etc. Holding her tongue when we entertain people whose political views she finds repugnant.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback.

Well, that’s it OP. She wants to be a person, her own person. Not a doll you trot out at events taking care of everyone else behind the scenes and not doing anything for herself. I think your claim to have been succeeding for your family is pretty disingenuous at best. Men who think they don’t have to sacrifice anything career wise because the career is “for the family” are trapped in the 1950s. Running a family is like having a small company. If you don’t put in the time and you’re not even around to see what is being done, it’s really hard to claim an equal role in contributing. It’s just that simple. Especially when you have young kids — their well-being on a day to day basis is not made of daddy’s star role, it’s a million little things that someone else is madly running around to piece together. Your kids don’t need a wealthy lifestyle, they need care and love and someone getting to know what is best for them in everything from potty training to where they spend their days in summer.

I think if you want your wife back you’re going to have to park your big ego somewhere else, downshift on the career for a while, and take over your wife’s role with no complaining. Get back to us after a year and tell us how sacrificing your identity out in the world and doing everything to serve other people’s day to day flourishing goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

+1

He admitted to not helping with camps snd tours.

Where did he state she cooks and cleans and does his laundry and he doesn’t help?

#projecting

The guy can’t even make time to visit schools and pick one for his kids. I don’t see him cooking or doing laundry or even doing the menial work of managing the people who help his household out. But he can come here and correct me if I’m wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

+1

Oh, and let me add — I have my own job too and it doesn’t add 40-50 hours to the Mommy workload. It’s time where I spend developing my own intellectual and artistic interests, working on projects that require a high level of skill and knowledge, being part of a community of professionals that shares those values and interests. I love my career. Second dates for me were screening for men who wouldn’t support that. Fortunately my now husband’s mom was a CEO, so he knew exactly what I was getting at and answered that he wants a woman who works.

Get her the Mommy Burnout book, snort. I would burn that book in your face if you gave that to me after I explained how I was feeling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even though it seems as if she willingly left her career/job, probably in the back of her mind, it wasn't leaving, it was postponing. When the kids are in school, when the kids are teenagers, when things aren't so busy, when our schedule slows down - I'll be able to go back and do somethings I always wanted and planned on.

Now she's realizing how much time has passed and none of it has happened. And feels she's running out of time to have or do something she always thought she would. Yes, kind of a mid-life crisis, but that doesn't make it any easier if she plans and dreams and she's facing that they won't ever be realized.

This. If you didn't do any of the work at home, why should she now have to work on your behalf entertaining clients, etc..?

She probably still loves you OP, the kids sound like they are at least high school age or even in college, she's just tired of not having her own identity that maybe she thought she would have when you two were in grad school together. Maybe she loved staying home with the kids and making your home welcoming at one time, but now she wants to move on with her identity and not have to do things for her dh's career entirely. Not sure what is so hard to figure out about this--it sounds like the people in OP's career have opposing values to her own and she wants to be her own person and feel free to have opinions etc...

OP, you need to do some thinking about how much personal life and business you combine, and why your wife has to be so involved in your business. Do you have to have a wife / date at every event? Can you be trusted to be there by yourself? What would happen if your wife retrained for another career or she didn't have to attend these social events? Anything?

[Anonymous]

Just an aside, there are a TON of good white collar and blue collar jobs out there.

Get the word out and start actively looking. It’s like the Big Job Swap out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

+1

He admitted to not helping with camps snd tours.

Where did he state she cooks and cleans and does his laundry and he doesn’t help?

#projecting

The guy can’t even make time to visit schools and pick one for his kids. I don’t see him cooking or doing laundry or even doing the menial work of managing the people who help his household out. But he can come here and correct me if I’m wrong.

They needed more than 48 hours notice not they he never goes or would never go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHW, OP. I feel this way at least 5 out of 7 days but I work to tamp down those feelings because I know DH and kids are depending on me. Everyone desires financial and family stability but no educated person wants to focus on serving others -- even beloved children or partners -- in a menial capacity for decades. If your DW could enjoy nearly the same standard of living without having to live the lackey life, why would she not try to seize the chance to change? She does not care about the cleanliness of your underwear or your latest squabble with a colleague, and is tired of pretending.

Triple this if you are rarely saying thank you, or showing gratitude or appreciation or even listening to her daily.

The PP Sounds super pathetic. If you want something else go for it don’t just blame everybody around you because you don’t have it. The kids don’t need you 24 seven. Your husband can do his own freaking laundry. The kids can toO actually.

You feel worthless because everything you do has little to no value anymore you’re doing stuff for people they can do it for themselves and probably stunting their growth since you do it for them. Figure out what you wanna do with your life and do it but stop blaming others

There is truth in both sides. SAHMs seem unintelligent because we let ourselves slip into financial dependence and lose leverage in the marriage. WOHMs don't necessarily enjoy life more because they do most of the unpaid work that we do at home and hold down FTJs. When children get older it makes so much sense to reconfigure work/home arrangements. I am struck by how many are unhappy, either way.

I actually agree with Immigrant "Life is WORK" poster: no one is winning, everyone is exhausted, resistance is pointless. We are all stuck on some kind of hamster wheel. If OP's wife leaves him her sources of stress and discontent will only change, not disappear. But that may be more than enough for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

Yes, especially with respect to the bolded parts. I get so tired of people telling spouses (usually the wife) “Just delegate more.” But that still means she’s in charge, and the “boss” of all those household/family things.

Being a family is a partnership — husbands and wives typically become a family AT THE SAME TIME, become parents AT THE SAME TIME. They have the same amount of experience, so why is it incumbent on the wife to delegate? A husband should also know what needs to be done without being told.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

Yes, especially with respect to the bolded parts. I get so tired of people telling spouses (usually the wife) “Just delegate more.” But that still means she’s in charge, and the “boss” of all those household/family things.

Being a family is a partnership — husbands and wives typically become a family AT THE SAME TIME, become parents AT THE SAME TIME. They have the same amount of experience, so why is it incumbent on the wife to delegate? A husband should also know what needs to be done without being told.

He only said he doesn’t help pick camp he never said he didn’t help with anything.

Besides with thrir HHI, you think the wife is cleaning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

Yes, especially with respect to the bolded parts. I get so tired of people telling spouses (usually the wife) “Just delegate more.” But that still means she’s in charge, and the “boss” of all those household/family things.

Being a family is a partnership — husbands and wives typically become a family AT THE SAME TIME, become parents AT THE SAME TIME. They have the same amount of experience, so why is it incumbent on the wife to delegate? A husband should also know what needs to be done without being told.

^^^ this is it!

Everybody thinks change will fix thrir luces but the only problem is they carry their issues with them, they need to fix themselves to be happy not change their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Dear OP
I am a DH in very similar situation. I have not read this entire thread but I want to recommend a resource that is helping me feel at peace in the same situation you are in. check out husbandhelphaven.com there is a great video series called peace and control.. 100% recommend it!

Agree. This helped me a couple years ago, lots of good material to read also.
In my case DW started hanging out with a new friend who constantly complained about her DH to my wife while talking about having an emotional affair with some guy in another state. Didn't take long for my DW to start nitpicking everything I did and deciding she wasn't happy.

You have to put the work in. Make yourself the best person you can be, and also the best husband and father your can be. Give it time and hopefully she notices. But also don't stop being this person if she decides to stay

Or if she decided to leave

correct, that is always a possibility

[Anonymous]

She wants be alone. That says it all. She is done with the relationship.

Time for you to move on after someone says this to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

Yes, especially with respect to the bolded parts. I get so tired of people telling spouses (usually the wife) “Just delegate more.” But that still means she’s in charge, and the “boss” of all those household/family things.

Being a family is a partnership — husbands and wives typically become a family AT THE SAME TIME, become parents AT THE SAME TIME. They have the same amount of experience, so why is it incumbent on the wife to delegate? A husband should also know what needs to be done without being told.

He only said he doesn’t help pick camp he never said he didn’t help with anything.

Besides with thrir HHI, you think the wife is cleaning?

Come on. He sounds unavailable because his job is always more important. Let him get back to us here about what tasks he did on a daily basis vs her, and if they outsourced who was in charge of managing the staff.