Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

Yes, especially with respect to the bolded parts. I get so tired of people telling spouses (usually the wife) “Just delegate more.” But that still means she’s in charge, and the “boss” of all those household/family things.

Being a family is a partnership — husbands and wives typically become a family AT THE SAME TIME, become parents AT THE SAME TIME. They have the same amount of experience, so why is it incumbent on the wife to delegate? A husband should also know what needs to be done without being told.

+1. There are two separate areas here: knowing what needs to be done, and doing it. Knowing what needs to be done when kids are young and constantly changing is very time consuming. Doing is also but knowing is a huge job. From what I have seen many husbands silently offload all research, planning, and decision making to the wife. Tell me how much time you would have for yourself if you were CEO of several other people’s lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH could’ve written the same thing. I’m not interested in another relationship at all. No affair here. I just want peace & quiet. I want to stop bickering. I want to relax and destress. I want to be alone. DH and I don’t have anything in common anymore so we’re like passing ships most times. So isolating to be in a relationship like that.

Can you try to share some of her interest? Support her new ventures? Maybe listen?

Wish you well

I'm your male equivalent. I suppose these feelings are more re common than people think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

+1

OP's wife DOES NOT WORK by her own choice. Her kids are 11 and 14. That is what a SAHM of school-aged children is: a house manager, chauffer, cook, and camp signer-upper. If she wants to go back to work, that's a different story, but did she say that? Or she just wants no husband, no responsiblities, but also no job?

Signed,

A SAHM of school-aged children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

Yes, especially with respect to the bolded parts. I get so tired of people telling spouses (usually the wife) “Just delegate more.” But that still means she’s in charge, and the “boss” of all those household/family things.

Being a family is a partnership — husbands and wives typically become a family AT THE SAME TIME, become parents AT THE SAME TIME. They have the same amount of experience, so why is it incumbent on the wife to delegate? A husband should also know what needs to be done without being told.

+1. There are two separate areas here: knowing what needs to be done, and doing it. Knowing what needs to be done when kids are young and constantly changing is very time consuming. Doing is also but knowing is a huge job. From what I have seen many husbands silently offload all research, planning, and decision making to the wife. Tell me how much time you would have for yourself if you were CEO of several other people’s lives.

This dynamic is really hard to change if the wife is voluntarily at home for a long time. I don't think its fair to put all the blame on the husband.

[Anonymous]

Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

Incredibly dumb and condescending.

I am a man and I do ALL the parenting, period. Oh yeah, and I also do the cooking, the dishwasher, the laundry, and driving kids around on weekends. It really isn’t that hard. All this prima donna whining about “emotional labor” and uncompensated work at home is an effort to guilt trip men and should be ignored.

[Anonymous]

OP, how does your wife intend to fund her "aloneness"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

+1

OP's wife DOES NOT WORK by her own choice. Her kids are 11 and 14. That is what a SAHM of school-aged children is: a house manager, chauffer, cook, and camp signer-upper. If she wants to go back to work, that's a different story, but did she say that? Or she just wants no husband, no responsiblities, but also no job?

Signed,

A SAHM of school-aged children

^^^

This is why I think this is a simple fixable mid-life crisis.

She got everything she wanted but is noticing she will be an empty nester soon with what feels like nothing to show for it. She’s missing she has 2 amazing kids that she raised.

She needs to write a new chapter, it doesn’t need to be away from her H. It’s not her H fault and he is not standing in the way.

What sadly might happen is she steps back from the mom role, the H steps up like most CEO moms do, realizes he can do both, like CEO Moms do and then feels worse.

He dates finds a super awesome 2nd wife and is jealous gor the rest of her life because she did all the work snd she gets all the easy years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

Incredibly dumb and condescending.

I am a man and I do ALL the parenting, period. Oh yeah, and I also do the cooking, the dishwasher, the laundry, and driving kids around on weekends. It really isn’t that hard. All this prima donna whining about “emotional labor” and uncompensated work at home is an effort to guilt trip men and should be ignored.

I also don’t get this. At my kids events are big law dads coaching lax, CRO dads on the board at school, dads leading cub scouts, doing drop off snd pick up.

I don’t think most dads do nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

Incredibly dumb and condescending.

I am a man and I do ALL the parenting, period. Oh yeah, and I also do the cooking, the dishwasher, the laundry, and driving kids around on weekends. It really isn’t that hard. All this prima donna whining about “emotional labor” and uncompensated work at home is an effort to guilt trip men and should be ignored.

I also don’t get this. At my kids events are big law dads coaching lax, CRO dads on the board at school, dads leading cub scouts, doing drop off snd pick up.

I don’t think most dads do nothing.

Agree, my husband and I think most of our friends (fathers) do a lot, true partners in parenting, and working to run the house, absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Questions for op....do you know your kids' teachers names? Have you had direct communication with them? Ever volunteer at school? Take them for their yearly wellness checkup? Dental visits? Do you know how to contact and pay your housekeeper if you had to? Do you ever food shop? Cook? Pay the Gardner or do it yourself? Know hat cleaners your family uses? Take the kids for haircuts? Do you do laundry if needed and put the clothes away? Do you know their extracurricular schedule? Many dads do these things and work. As do many moms. Just a thought...

[Anonymous]

She just needs a vacation OP; maybe a vacation alone with some sort of part time job when she gets back, and a break from being a part of your job activities for a while.

It's dawning on her the kids will be in college soon, and she will be alone in an empty house most of the time. With no career to look forward to, and you working most of the time.

[Anonymous]

let her go. You keep the kids she can move out and pay you child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

Incredibly dumb and condescending.

I am a man and I do ALL the parenting, period. Oh yeah, and I also do the cooking, the dishwasher, the laundry, and driving kids around on weekends. It really isn’t that hard. All this prima donna whining about “emotional labor” and uncompensated work at home is an effort to guilt trip men and should be ignored.

You're a super dad. But in fractional minority.

[Anonymous]

Most modern dads at least participate in a couple areas of parenting, to get to know their kids and give mom a break. If you can't help choose camps or schools, what other areas could you participate in OP?

And, your kids are getting to the age now where they might not want mom and dad around so much anymore. You might want to try to participate a little while you still can.

It sounds like your DW needs a break, needs some time alone, and needs to figure out what she will do when the kids don't need her so much anymore. And both of you will have to get to know each other again. She probably doesn't have enough energy to have an affair, the vast majority of women do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

+1

OP's wife DOES NOT WORK by her own choice. Her kids are 11 and 14. That is what a SAHM of school-aged children is: a house manager, chauffer, cook, and camp signer-upper. If she wants to go back to work, that's a different story, but did she say that? Or she just wants no husband, no responsiblities, but also no job?

Signed,

A SAHM of school-aged children

What was her choice?

You think OP and his wife sat down 15 years ago and said here's what it takes to raise kids and live in a house. Here are a few options, let's decide:
1) Both spouses downshift and divide up things equally
2) Husband quits job to be homemaker
3) wife quits job to be homemaker
4) one or both start a WAH job or own small lifestyle company
5) they move closer to extended family for help
6) They focus on one career first, then the other

OR, did something simply say, I wanna keep working and am bad w kids so you quit and do everything. Or you hire and manage a daycare or nanny or housekeeper. See ya! Back to work and eating!