Reply to Can you have a successful sexless marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Regarding women needing DH to be more romantic/amorous leading up to sex, I have a concrete example that I think might ring true for many.

My biggest pet peeve in this area is that sometimes my DH just retreats behind screens all day. He’s on his phone or iPad all day, even in the evening when we are watching a movie together. If I reach out to touch him, no response— he’s focused on Twitter or whatever. Even when we go to bed, he’s focused on a screen.

Then just as I’m turning out my light to go to sleep, he gets cuddly and is interested in sex. This actually makes me mad. I cannot be invisible to him all day and then suddenly turn it on for sex. That’s absurd. It honestly makes me feel used.

Now, this isn’t all the time. He’s usually more engaged than that. But he’ll go through phases where he is just very internally focused, but expect me to suddenly want sex when he finally decided, at 11pm, to turn his attention to me. No. That’s insulting.

When I see men saying “oh, you just want him to jump through hoops for you and reward and punish him depending on how her performs.” No. It’s not a quid pro quo. But sex cannot be the only way we connect during the day. My body doesn’t work that way, and frankly neither does my brain. I don’t want to have sex with someone who has expressed no interest in my thoughts or feelings recently. If he wants to retreat internally for a bit for whatever reason, that’s fine. But then no sex until he’s ready to come be and active participant in our relationship. I’m not punishing him or giving him an ultimatum, I’m just responding to what he’s giving me.[/quote]

I'm curious.  Where did you develop the notion that your husband is responsible for your choice(which it clearly is) to decide to be offended and not want to have sex because you're in a snit about not getting enough attention from him during the day?

Do you also skip meals, fail to groom yourself, and deliberately disregard other important activities because your spouse didn't comply with your arbitrary need for attention?  That's what children do, it's called throwing a tantrum.

Have you ever done that?  Have you ever told your husband you were going to deprive yourself of food, or money, or not drive your car that day, for some imagined slight you wanted to blame on him?

If not, why not try.  Next time your husband initiates sex after not paying attention to you, explicitly tell him that you will have sex with him, but he will be punished for his lack of attention by you going on a hunger strike for the next 24 hours.

If you are unwilling to skip a meal to punish your husband but prefer to skip sex, ask yourself why it is your husband's fault that you are willing to use sex denial rather than some other form of denial to.blackmail him into paying you more attention.[/quote]

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