Does a blended family actually work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the same poster that constantly interjects about her loser drug addict stepfamily.

Clearly that is not the majority of people’s experiences. Most people don’t choose to marry losers. There is a way for smart, kind, compassionate people to make this work. It takes time, dedication, and a lot of communication, but it’s possible with the right parents.

I'm not even the PP you're talking about, I even like my stepmom, but LOLOLOLOL to everything you've written here, "the right parents" don't exist and my parents' spouses and their various first-marriage kids are just not even on my plate, sorry if you only get to see us at every 4th Thanksgiving.

+1. Know what would be good communication? Listening to the adult children of divorce. Listening to their perspective and their experience, even if it isn't what you want to hear. We just do not have time for, and do not care about, your new family. No amount of communication will change it! And it does not mean we are not smart or kind of compassionate. It means we have our own families and our own lives and healthy boundaries. We don't have to cater to what you want and your fantasy that a family can magically appear just because you got married. Our time and energy is limited and that is the bottom line here.

[Anonymous]

None of these selfish adult children wanted their mom to be happy. Good riddance to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the same poster that constantly interjects about her loser drug addict stepfamily.

Clearly that is not the majority of people’s experiences. Most people don’t choose to marry losers. There is a way for smart, kind, compassionate people to make this work. It takes time, dedication, and a lot of communication, but it’s possible with the right parents.

I'm not even the PP you're talking about, I even like my stepmom, but LOLOLOLOL to everything you've written here, "the right parents" don't exist and my parents' spouses and their various first-marriage kids are just not even on my plate, sorry if you only get to see us at every 4th Thanksgiving.

+1. Know what would be good communication? Listening to the adult children of divorce. Listening to their perspective and their experience, even if it isn't what you want to hear. We just do not have time for, and do not care about, your new family. No amount of communication will change it! And it does not mean we are not smart or kind of compassionate. It means we have our own families and our own lives and healthy boundaries. We don't have to cater to what you want and your fantasy that a family can magically appear just because you got married. Our time and energy is limited and that is the bottom line here.

Oh man 100 percent this. Especially the line that family is magically created because someone got married!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of these selfish adult children wanted their mom to be happy. Good riddance to you.

Lol hey there mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the same poster that constantly interjects about her loser drug addict stepfamily.

Clearly that is not the majority of people’s experiences. Most people don’t choose to marry losers. There is a way for smart, kind, compassionate people to make this work. It takes time, dedication, and a lot of communication, but it’s possible with the right parents.

I'm not even the PP you're talking about, I even like my stepmom, but LOLOLOLOL to everything you've written here, "the right parents" don't exist and my parents' spouses and their various first-marriage kids are just not even on my plate, sorry if you only get to see us at every 4th Thanksgiving.

+1. Know what would be good communication? Listening to the adult children of divorce. Listening to their perspective and their experience, even if it isn't what you want to hear. We just do not have time for, and do not care about, your new family. No amount of communication will change it! And it does not mean we are not smart or kind of compassionate. It means we have our own families and our own lives and healthy boundaries. We don't have to cater to what you want and your fantasy that a family can magically appear just because you got married. Our time and energy is limited and that is the bottom line here.

Oh man 100 percent this. Especially the line that family is magically created because someone got married!

I’m shocked at how oblivious people can be. The time for family traditions and creating a shared history are when your children are babies, toddlers, school age. By the time kids are teens they no longer have time to devote to creating these memories—their focus is on friends school, future, work, etc. Sure, you can get married and start a new family whenever you want but your children simply do not have the time to be a part of it. That’s a fact. And as they get older, the demands of life only put more strain on their time. It’s not going to change. Obviously, everyone can be polite and civil, but family? Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of these selfish adult children wanted their mom to be happy. Good riddance to you.

Lol hey there mom

I still don’t get it. All anyone is saying is that the blended family doesn’t work. If mom or dad wish to find a new partner after divorce, that’s totally fine and there are lots of forms it could take. I’m happy for my parents to have new partners. What we are describing is how complicated things become when you try to blend the families.

Bottom line-if you’re divorced with kids and want to find love again, either:

-spend time with your new love without your children present
-if your children are adults now, feel free to include your new partner, BUT DO NOT EXPECT the adult kids from the first marriages to hang out or “blend”

Just find ways to keep your new love life and your kids/family life separate. Why is this so hard?

[Anonymous]

I’m sure there must be some family out there where it worked. The only one I know of was when the mom had one child from her first marriage and dad was not in the picture. Mom married her 2nd husband and they had one child when the first child was about 10. They seemed to do OK, but note-the first child was not going back and forth for visitation, and the new husband did not have kids of his own. So this situation was much simpler than others.

I have never seen it go well when both partners already came into the marriage with children. The divorce rate for that configuration is 70%, so......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the same poster that constantly interjects about her loser drug addict stepfamily.

Clearly that is not the majority of people’s experiences. Most people don’t choose to marry losers. There is a way for smart, kind, compassionate people to make this work. It takes time, dedication, and a lot of communication, but it’s possible with the right parents.

This framing is the issue. All of the pressure to “make” it work falls on the children. That pressure is unfair and often destructive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the same poster that constantly interjects about her loser drug addict stepfamily.

Clearly that is not the majority of people’s experiences. Most people don’t choose to marry losers. There is a way for smart, kind, compassionate people to make this work. It takes time, dedication, and a lot of communication, but it’s possible with the right parents.

This framing is the issue. All of the pressure to “make” it work falls on the children. That pressure is unfair and often destructive.

I mean, if the children are not on board, they are not smart, not kind, or not compassionate, right? They probably weren’t dedicated enough.

Don’t you see how this framing denies the children their agency? What if they don’t want to “make it work?” Are they not allowed to choose that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the same poster that constantly interjects about her loser drug addict stepfamily.

Clearly that is not the majority of people’s experiences. Most people don’t choose to marry losers. There is a way for smart, kind, compassionate people to make this work. It takes time, dedication, and a lot of communication, but it’s possible with the right parents.

This framing is the issue. All of the pressure to “make” it work falls on the children. That pressure is unfair and often destructive.

I mean, if the children are not on board, they are not smart, not kind, or not compassionate, right? They probably weren’t dedicated enough.

Don’t you see how this framing denies the children their agency? What if they don’t want to “make it work?” Are they not allowed to choose that?

This! Pressure, blame, name-calling, and emotional labor on the kids. Sorry but it is selfish to demand a lot of your adult children's time and energy be spent on your new step-relatives.

You have the right to date and marry but you don't get to push us around and make demands. Your new partner and their relatives come AFTER: My kids, my marriage, my other actual parent, my actual siblings, my job, my in-laws, my actual extended family, and my own well-being. Sometimes there just isn't anything left.

[Anonymous]

I avoid the step-father and his loser kids. A relationship with him would mean incurring an elder care obligation if he outlives my mother. No thanks. And his kids are such a mess, truly treating them as "family" would make them a drain on my time and energy. Just have to keep the door closed to that.

[Anonymous]

I agree that there will never be a "family" in most of these instances. There should never be force or demands to try and make it so. But.

Why is it so hard to simply be welcoming to new spouses? Why doesn't the Golden Rule ("Do Unto Others...") apply in both directions?

You may not like your parents new partners. And they may not like yours either. A little respect for the important roles they play would be a simple step in the right direction.

My DH's Son In Law takes financial advantage of his daughter, likes to gamble, likes to drink, has a family with felons and a history of domestic violence, is extremely political, has an entire cache of guns and can't string together a cohesive sentence on anything of importance.

SIL is not the kind of person my DH thinks is a good partner but his daughter picked him whatever her reasons. My DH has been welcoming, has conversations with SIL as best he can, has had some one-on-one time with him, speaks to him on the phone, asks his daughter how he is doing when he is not there, and always remembers his birthdays.

In other words he shows respect for the fact that this is who his daughter chose even though he doesn't care for him.

Why is it so difficult for many adult children to do the same for their parents' choices?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that there will never be a "family" in most of these instances. There should never be force or demands to try and make it so. But.

Why is it so hard to simply be welcoming to new spouses? Why doesn't the Golden Rule ("Do Unto Others...") apply in both directions?

You may not like your parents new partners. And they may not like yours either. A little respect for the important roles they play would be a simple step in the right direction.

My DH's Son In Law takes financial advantage of his daughter, likes to gamble, likes to drink, has a family with felons and a history of domestic violence, is extremely political, has an entire cache of guns and can't string together a cohesive sentence on anything of importance.

SIL is not the kind of person my DH thinks is a good partner but his daughter picked him whatever her reasons. My DH has been welcoming, has conversations with SIL as best he can, has had some one-on-one time with him, speaks to him on the phone, asks his daughter how he is doing when he is not there, and always remembers his birthdays.

In other words he shows respect for the fact that this is who his daughter chose even though he doesn't care for him.

Why is it so difficult for many adult children to do the same for their parents' choices?

Because some of our parents are asking for a lot more than that-- they want us to actually be "family" not just with the person they married, but with that person's adult children and that person's parents. It's a huge time commitment to actually do that. (Not so much if all they want is for us to lie and say we're a big happy family without actually being one, but that's annoying.) And because some of us were forced against our will to live in the same house with objectionable people, which is far more difficult. This isn't about being polite or showing respect. It's about priorities and the fact that the logistical burden on adult children of divorce is a lot already.

Also, an aging parent is vulnerable in ways that an adult child is not. We have to keep our eyes open for elder abuse and financial exploitation.

[Anonymous]

Um, OP’s kids are 4 and 9. They aren’t being forced into a family as adults nor do they have competing priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, OP’s kids are 4 and 9. They aren’t being forced into a family as adults nor do they have competing priorities.

They are being forced into it now when they have no autonomy, and they will be forced into it still, when they are adults. Take the long view.