Does a blended family actually work?

[Anonymous]

This is OP.

I divorced an abusive ex while pregnant. He’s in DS’s life, and we manage to be cordial but we do not spend time together. I’d like to have more children, and so does my partner. We have both always liked large families. We’re not young (35) so if more children are going to happen it should be soon. Also, would prefer to have less of an age gap vs. more. I think the 4yo would be fine, especially since he spends majority of time with me. Not sure about 9yo.

Can any of you elaborate on why ex partners need to be supportive? I can’t see how that would matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

I divorced an abusive ex while pregnant. He’s in DS’s life, and we manage to be cordial but we do not spend time together. I’d like to have more children, and so does my partner. We have both always liked large families. We’re not young (35) so if more children are going to happen it should be soon. Also, would prefer to have less of an age gap vs. more. I think the 4yo would be fine, especially since he spends majority of time with me. Not sure about 9yo.

Can any of you elaborate on why ex partners need to be supportive? I can’t see how that would matter.

It's all about what YOU want. And what your boyfriend wants. And what you both "prefer."
The innocent child? Eh--he'll "be fine."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is going to be very very difficult if you also have an intention of having more kids. The emotional toll on you and your kids will have long last impacts. Your kids are going to suffer the most so please don't hurry in getting married.

If you are ex's are still around and involved then please make sure your relationship with them is cordial otherwise any hiccups in your household could cause you to lose primary custody of your kids. I have seen it in a few cases in which the other parent is too eager to get married and tensions at home result in losing time with the kids.

That rarely happens. Usually mom gets upset at Dad and replaces new boyfriend/husband with Dad and denies time to dad.

Yes, controlling kids access is what I see most women do but what I mentioned above if dad is involved and new blended family is becoming an issue then mother could lose custody. It has a low chance because some of the dads are not involved but courts are changing and want dads to be more involved if they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

I divorced an abusive ex while pregnant. He’s in DS’s life, and we manage to be cordial but we do not spend time together. I’d like to have more children, and so does my partner. We have both always liked large families. We’re not young (35) so if more children are going to happen it should be soon. Also, would prefer to have less of an age gap vs. more. I think the 4yo would be fine, especially since he spends majority of time with me. Not sure about 9yo.

Can any of you elaborate on why ex partners need to be supportive? I can’t see how that would matter.

Now I understand how unrealistic, and almost delusional, you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

I divorced an abusive ex while pregnant. He’s in DS’s life, and we manage to be cordial but we do not spend time together. I’d like to have more children, and so does my partner. We have both always liked large families. We’re not young (35) so if more children are going to happen it should be soon. Also, would prefer to have less of an age gap vs. more. I think the 4yo would be fine, especially since he spends majority of time with me. Not sure about 9yo.

Can any of you elaborate on why ex partners need to be supportive? I can’t see how that would matter.

It's all about what YOU want. And what your boyfriend wants. And what you both "prefer."
The innocent child? Eh--he'll "be fine."

No, it also depends what's best for the kids. "He will be fine" attitude is wrong and shows that you only care about yourself. It's going to be a lot of emotional toll on your 9 year old.

Looks like the ways everything ended for you is not making things cordial. You and your ex needs a lot of therapy to let go of the previous grudges and anger. Take care of all that before you rush into a new relationship. Your new partner needs to know that some of the friction/stress could come back and he should be ready for this.

[Anonymous]

If you can afford it, I would use regular therapy (single, couple, family) to get help dealing with issues arise from a blended family.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

This is going to be a lot of emotional stress so just be ready for it. Op, Sorry you are going through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

I divorced an abusive ex while pregnant. He’s in DS’s life, and we manage to be cordial but we do not spend time together. I’d like to have more children, and so does my partner. We have both always liked large families. We’re not young (35) so if more children are going to happen it should be soon. Also, would prefer to have less of an age gap vs. more. I think the 4yo would be fine, especially since he spends majority of time with me. Not sure about 9yo.

Can any of you elaborate on why ex partners need to be supportive? I can’t see how that would matter.

Now I understand how unrealistic, and almost delusional, you are.

Holy crap. Yeah ... no. Sorry
You chose to have a kid with an abusive partner but you don’t get a do-over. I know many, many blended families and I would say it all “works” in exactly ONE of them. Other range from okay to bad. Often the experience of the new kids is good to great. It’s the kids from prior relationships that almost always suffer though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

I divorced an abusive ex while pregnant. He’s in DS’s life, and we manage to be cordial but we do not spend time together. I’d like to have more children, and so does my partner. We have both always liked large families. We’re not young (35) so if more children are going to happen it should be soon. Also, would prefer to have less of an age gap vs. more. I think the 4yo would be fine, especially since he spends majority of time with me. Not sure about 9yo.

Can any of you elaborate on why ex partners need to be supportive? I can’t see how that would matter.

It's all about what YOU want. And what your boyfriend wants. And what you both "prefer."
The innocent child? Eh--he'll "be fine."

Exactly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

I divorced an abusive ex while pregnant. He’s in DS’s life, and we manage to be cordial but we do not spend time together. I’d like to have more children, and so does my partner. We have both always liked large families. We’re not young (35) so if more children are going to happen it should be soon. Also, would prefer to have less of an age gap vs. more. I think the 4yo would be fine, especially since he spends majority of time with me. Not sure about 9yo.

Can any of you elaborate on why ex partners need to be supportive? I can’t see how that would matter.

Now I understand how unrealistic, and almost delusional, you are.

Yes. Astonishing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as a blended family. Blending indicates homogeny which rarely happens.

I suggest you start by reading stepfamily forums and reading about all the problems that arise. You have no idea how difficult a path this is.

Second, you and your prospective spouse better have VERY good and cordial relationships with your exes. If you don't it will make it incredibly hard and all these kids will suffer.

Last but not least, be aware that second marriages that involve children have a 70% failure rate.

Don't get married, just date. Don't have any more children. Focus on being the best parent for your child that you can.

I love this answer.

The new babies in the new family are usually fine, it’s the first kids that suffer like a Pp said. And the dad always favors his bio kids over his step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

I divorced an abusive ex while pregnant. He’s in DS’s life, and we manage to be cordial but we do not spend time together. I’d like to have more children, and so does my partner. We have both always liked large families. We’re not young (35) so if more children are going to happen it should be soon. Also, would prefer to have less of an age gap vs. more. I think the 4yo would be fine, especially since he spends majority of time with me. Not sure about 9yo.

Can any of you elaborate on why ex partners need to be supportive? I can’t see how that would matter.

The odds are against you, particularly given your focus on your own needs and not those of the children.

https://www.stepmommag.com/stepfamily-statistics/

https://www.smartstepfamilies.com/smart-help/marriage-family-stepfamily-statistics

[Anonymous]

I believe that having children is not only the needs of the parents, but also good for the existing children. Without this relationship these children would be only children, instead they are not having the opportunity to be a part of a bigger family with siblings, which in my opinion is better for them both now and as they grow up. Sibling relationships are important and honestly, I think it is incredibly sad for a child to be an only child (and boring!).

It would be ideal if all parties got along, unfortunately that is often not the case with divorce. But it shouldn't prevent someone from living a fulfilling life. Yes, it is a shame the first marriage didn't work out, but that doesn't mean that one should not be able to continue on life's journey. There are many families that have been through divorce, and many that have been through second marriages.

What is most important is that the two parents in the relationship are communicative about how all children will be treated so that all the children's needs are met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe that having children is not only the needs of the parents, but also good for the existing children. Without this relationship these children would be only children, instead they are not having the opportunity to be a part of a bigger family with siblings, which in my opinion is better for them both now and as they grow up. Sibling relationships are important and honestly, I think it is incredibly sad for a child to be an only child (and boring!).

It would be ideal if all parties got along, unfortunately that is often not the case with divorce. But it shouldn't prevent someone from living a fulfilling life. Yes, it is a shame the first marriage didn't work out, but that doesn't mean that one should not be able to continue on life's journey. There are many families that have been through divorce, and many that have been through second marriages.

What is most important is that the two parents in the relationship are communicative about how all children will be treated so that all the children's needs are met.

As a kid who was in a “blended” family, I would have much preferred not to have the conglomeration of step (and then later, ex-step) siblings, half siblings, and full siblings. It was extremely complex and the dynamics were never not difficult.

[Anonymous]

You can really see who in this thread has experienced blended families and who has not, the realists versus the naive.

The best advice you will get (and someone already said this) is to go on stepfamily forums and see what people say. And don't tell yourself it will be different for you, that's what they thought too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as a blended family. Blending indicates homogeny which rarely happens.

I suggest you start by reading stepfamily forums and reading about all the problems that arise. You have no idea how difficult a path this is.

Second, you and your prospective spouse better have VERY good and cordial relationships with your exes. If you don't it will make it incredibly hard and all these kids will suffer.

Last but not least, be aware that second marriages that involve children have a 70% failure rate.

Don't get married, just date. Don't have any more children. Focus on being the best parent for your child that you can.

I love this answer.

The new babies in the new family are usually fine, it’s the first kids that suffer like a Pp said. And the dad always favors his bio kids over his step.

NP and I think it's probably an unrealistic expectation that any parent, mom or dad, is going to treat step kids equally to bio kids. I'm not talking about treating the step kids poorly or not being cordial to them but I just don't think that same bond is going to be there absent exceptional circumstances like full custody from a very young age. I'm sure it happens sometimes but I doubt it's the norm.