Does a blended family actually work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best guy pal (widower) who married his new wife had 2 kids. New wife (divorced) had 3 kids. All kids were under 6. The kids have little/no memory of ever being without each other. The word "step" hasn't really been used in their household. 5 is enough. No children together. Very smart.

yeah sure my stepmother would claim a similar story for our blended family ... all totally fake.

Yup. You can ban the word, but the reality remains. And just because it seems good to an outside observer, or the parents insist to themselves or others that everything is great, doesn't mean that it actually is. And even if it is okay now, doesn't mean it always will be. These fake family bonds can't really withstand any stress and if a real problem develops, people will cut their losses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best guy pal (widower) who married his new wife had 2 kids. New wife (divorced) had 3 kids. All kids were under 6. The kids have little/no memory of ever being without each other. The word "step" hasn't really been used in their household. 5 is enough. No children together. Very smart.

No new kids WAS smart. 5 IS plenty, especially when they have all already suffered a family trauma.

And yeah, you really dont know how this all turns out for the kids until everyone’s 40 and has kids of their own. While the kids may feel like they’re all in it together for awhile, the fact is that they are going to have radically different experiences than their step siblings. This is an example of parent-driven narratives that the adult children in these situations really grow to resent. These 5 kids may grow up together, but two of them have a dead parent and 3 of them have lord knows what shared custody and stepsiblings on bio dad’s side to navigate. These kids are NOT growing up with the same story. That doesnt mean it cant turn out well, that doesnt mean they wont be happy, but their experience in this new family unit will never be truly shared or the same, and it’s invalidating to pretend otherwise. If someone who’s parent divorced ever told me it was basically the same as growing up without a parent who died, they would get punched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best guy pal (widower) who married his new wife had 2 kids. New wife (divorced) had 3 kids. All kids were under 6. The kids have little/no memory of ever being without each other. The word "step" hasn't really been used in their household. 5 is enough. No children together. Very smart.

Are you kidding me? So, Jen died and that’s a bummer, and Jack’s an unfaithful jerk so that divorce needed to happen, but our kids all only remember sharing rooms together so that means everything is great going forward for them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best guy pal (widower) who married his new wife had 2 kids. New wife (divorced) had 3 kids. All kids were under 6. The kids have little/no memory of ever being without each other. The word "step" hasn't really been used in their household. 5 is enough. No children together. Very smart.

Not using the word “step” in their house sounds like a weird lowkey brag and I promise you that these kids will reach an age where some of them push back on this. It will not be pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best guy pal (widower) who married his new wife had 2 kids. New wife (divorced) had 3 kids. All kids were under 6. The kids have little/no memory of ever being without each other. The word "step" hasn't really been used in their household. 5 is enough. No children together. Very smart.

No new kids WAS smart. 5 IS plenty, especially when they have all already suffered a family trauma.

And yeah, you really dont know how this all turns out for the kids until everyone’s 40 and has kids of their own. While the kids may feel like they’re all in it together for awhile, the fact is that they are going to have radically different experiences than their step siblings. This is an example of parent-driven narratives that the adult children in these situations really grow to resent. These 5 kids may grow up together, but two of them have a dead parent and 3 of them have lord knows what shared custody and stepsiblings on bio dad’s side to navigate. These kids are NOT growing up with the same story. That doesnt mean it cant turn out well, that doesnt mean they wont be happy, but their experience in this new family unit will never be truly shared or the same, and it’s invalidating to pretend otherwise. If someone who’s parent divorced ever told me it was basically the same as growing up without a parent who died, they would get punched.

Yup. You don't really know until they're grown. The really hard parts of this come when it's time for elder-care, btw.

But I guarantee you, trying to stifle their speech and their feelings and insist that they validate your rosy scenario is only going to cause resentment. They are stepsiblings, that's the fact of the matter. Banning the word will only make it seem like a bad thing that the adults are insecure about.

[Anonymous]

You people are nuts. I showed this post to them. This thread is full of very angry ex-wives and adult children who never grew up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are nuts. I showed this post to them. This thread is full of very angry ex-wives and adult children who never grew up.

Completely agree. It's a broken record of screeching by angry ADULTS who can't emotionally process that their mommy and daddy are no longer married, and oh the horror! the parents have moved on to other relationships.

Wait till they go through their own divorces, which they will. A different story then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are nuts. I showed this post to them. This thread is full of very angry ex-wives and adult children who never grew up.

Completely agree. It's a broken record of screeching by angry ADULTS who can't emotionally process that their mommy and daddy are no longer married, and oh the horror! the parents have moved on to other relationships.

Wait till they go through their own divorces, which they will. A different story then.

Divorced people: Never gonna hear what they don't want to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are nuts. I showed this post to them. This thread is full of very angry ex-wives and adult children who never grew up.

Completely agree. It's a broken record of screeching by angry ADULTS who can't emotionally process that their mommy and daddy are no longer married, and oh the horror! the parents have moved on to other relationships.

Wait till they go through their own divorces, which they will. A different story then.

I have to agree that there’s some weird fixation on the past here. And I say that as someone whose stepmother was and is positively terrible. But it was terrible because I was a CHILD, based on how the adults treated me. My step and half sibs were fine - we were all in that mess together (ironically we blended because our parents were such a sh*tshow.) Now I am and adult and I don’t gaf. I go where I want on the holidays and ignore the rest. Y’all need to grow up and live your own lives. If you get divorced/widowed and remarried, do a better job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are nuts. I showed this post to them. This thread is full of very angry ex-wives and adult children who never grew up.

Who is "them?" Are you OP? Did you show this post to the 9 year old and 4 year old?!?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are nuts. I showed this post to them. This thread is full of very angry ex-wives and adult children who never grew up.

Completely agree. It's a broken record of screeching by angry ADULTS who can't emotionally process that their mommy and daddy are no longer married, and oh the horror! the parents have moved on to other relationships.

Wait till they go through their own divorces, which they will. A different story then.

I have to agree that there’s some weird fixation on the past here. And I say that as someone whose stepmother was and is positively terrible. But it was terrible because I was a CHILD, based on how the adults treated me. My step and half sibs were fine - we were all in that mess together (ironically we blended because our parents were such a sh*tshow.) Now I am and adult and I don’t gaf. I go where I want on the holidays and ignore the rest. Y’all need to grow up and live your own lives. If you get divorced/widowed and remarried, do a better job.

So to answer the OP's original question, here is a blended family that did not "work" and one reason for that is that adult children DGAF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are nuts. I showed this post to them. This thread is full of very angry ex-wives and adult children who never grew up.

Completely agree. It's a broken record of screeching by angry ADULTS who can't emotionally process that their mommy and daddy are no longer married, and oh the horror! the parents have moved on to other relationships.

Wait till they go through their own divorces, which they will. A different story then.

I have to agree that there’s some weird fixation on the past here. And I say that as someone whose stepmother was and is positively terrible. But it was terrible because I was a CHILD, based on how the adults treated me. My step and half sibs were fine - we were all in that mess together (ironically we blended because our parents were such a sh*tshow.) Now I am and adult and I don’t gaf. I go where I want on the holidays and ignore the rest. Y’all need to grow up and live your own lives. If you get divorced/widowed and remarried, do a better job.

So to answer the OP's original question, here is a blended family that did not "work" and one reason for that is that adult children DGAF.

no, my point is a) if you act like a reasonable adult and put the kids first, a blended family can be fine. despite mine being awful, that had nothing to do with my step and half sibs, and everything to do with immature and abusive adults. and b) if you are and adult and still fixated on your bad blended family, see (a) and start acting like and adult and do what is best for yourself and your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are nuts. I showed this post to them. This thread is full of very angry ex-wives and adult children who never grew up.

Completely agree. It's a broken record of screeching by angry ADULTS who can't emotionally process that their mommy and daddy are no longer married, and oh the horror! the parents have moved on to other relationships.

Wait till they go through their own divorces, which they will. A different story then.

I have to agree that there’s some weird fixation on the past here. And I say that as someone whose stepmother was and is positively terrible. But it was terrible because I was a CHILD, based on how the adults treated me. My step and half sibs were fine - we were all in that mess together (ironically we blended because our parents were such a sh*tshow.) Now I am and adult and I don’t gaf. I go where I want on the holidays and ignore the rest. Y’all need to grow up and live your own lives. If you get divorced/widowed and remarried, do a better job.

So to answer the OP's original question, here is a blended family that did not "work" and one reason for that is that adult children DGAF.

no, my point is a) if you act like a reasonable adult and put the kids first, a blended family can be fine. despite mine being awful, that had nothing to do with my step and half sibs, and everything to do with immature and abusive adults. and b) if you are and adult and still fixated on your bad blended family, see (a) and start acting like and adult and do what is best for yourself and your own kids.

It seems like the OP wants more blending than that, though. DGAF amd polite tolerance isn't really blending.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of parents underestimate how much pressure they put on kids in these situations. My mom once screamed at me because i didn’t get her new fiance a birthday present. She was trying to make it the “perfect day” for him at all costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best guy pal (widower) who married his new wife had 2 kids. New wife (divorced) had 3 kids. All kids were under 6. The kids have little/no memory of ever being without each other. The word "step" hasn't really been used in their household. 5 is enough. No children together. Very smart.

No new kids WAS smart. 5 IS plenty, especially when they have all already suffered a family trauma.

And yeah, you really dont know how this all turns out for the kids until everyone’s 40 and has kids of their own. While the kids may feel like they’re all in it together for awhile, the fact is that they are going to have radically different experiences than their step siblings. This is an example of parent-driven narratives that the adult children in these situations really grow to resent. These 5 kids may grow up together, but two of them have a dead parent and 3 of them have lord knows what shared custody and stepsiblings on bio dad’s side to navigate. These kids are NOT growing up with the same story. That doesnt mean it cant turn out well, that doesnt mean they wont be happy, but their experience in this new family unit will never be truly shared or the same, and it’s invalidating to pretend otherwise. If someone who’s parent divorced ever told me it was basically the same as growing up without a parent who died, they would get punched.

Yup. You don't really know until they're grown. The really hard parts of this come when it's time for elder-care, btw.

But I guarantee you, trying to stifle their speech and their feelings and insist that they validate your rosy scenario is only going to cause resentment. They are stepsiblings, that's the fact of the matter. Banning the word will only make it seem like a bad thing that the adults are insecure about.

I made a deal with my wealthy stepmom to provide elder care in exchange for my college tuition that I would never have been able to afford on my own. My dad had passed and he was the poor one in their marriage. It worked out for us but I wouldn’t be investing in my stepkids unless I have some assurance that I get something in return.