Does a blended family actually work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no such thing as a blended family. Blending indicates homogeny which rarely happens.

I suggest you start by reading stepfamily forums and reading about all the problems that arise. You have no idea how difficult a path this is.

Second, you and your prospective spouse better have VERY good and cordial relationships with your exes. If you don't it will make it incredibly hard and all these kids will suffer.

Last but not least, be aware that second marriages that involve children have a 70% failure rate.

Don't get married, just date. Don't have any more children. Focus on being the best parent for your child that you can.

I love this answer.

The new babies in the new family are usually fine, it’s the first kids that suffer like a Pp said. And the dad always favors his bio kids over his step.

NP and I think it's probably an unrealistic expectation that any parent, mom or dad, is going to treat step kids equally to bio kids. I'm not talking about treating the step kids poorly or not being cordial to them but I just don't think that same bond is going to be there absent exceptional circumstances like full custody from a very young age. I'm sure it happens sometimes but I doubt it's the norm.

Pp here. I don’t think it’s a huge problem for the step parent to not feel that same love for their stepchild, Up until they make new babies with the child’s mom.

As a mom, I couldn’t bear having my partner love one of my children (their bio) more than the other (their step).

Don’t make new babies, OP.

If he was just

[Anonymous]

It sucks to be the kid in this situation, even well into adulthood. I don’t have strong feelings about my step siblings-they are average people but we just never really connected. Our parents married when we were 6, 9, 10, 11, and 15, and we weren’t really raised together.

EVEN NOW, things like weddings, holidays, etc are just frustrating. We even have very little drama or conflict, but we just aren’t all that interested in each other, but yet our parents are STILL, three decades later, trying to play happy family and “blend” us. I don’t hate my step siblings, but I don’t really want to spend several days with them every Christmas, even if I’d like to see my dad. And I’m not really wanting to host all of them, even if I’d like to see just my dad, he doesn’t want to leave his wife at Christmas and she doesn’t want to miss Christmas with her kids in their city.

And we are a family where things have turned out relatively well and I still hate this situation.

[Anonymous]

What are you talking about "left out of a traditional family?" I think that ship has sailed, hasn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can really see who in this thread has experienced blended families and who has not, the realists versus the naive.

The best advice you will get (and someone already said this) is to go on stepfamily forums and see what people say. And don't tell yourself it will be different for you, that's what they thought too!

Agreed! Some people just ignore the obvious and think it is going to be hunky dory for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that having children is not only the needs of the parents, but also good for the existing children. Without this relationship these children would be only children, instead they are not having the opportunity to be a part of a bigger family with siblings, which in my opinion is better for them both now and as they grow up. Sibling relationships are important and honestly, I think it is incredibly sad for a child to be an only child (and boring!).

It would be ideal if all parties got along, unfortunately that is often not the case with divorce. But it shouldn't prevent someone from living a fulfilling life. Yes, it is a shame the first marriage didn't work out, but that doesn't mean that one should not be able to continue on life's journey. There are many families that have been through divorce, and many that have been through second marriages.

What is most important is that the two parents in the relationship are communicative about how all children will be treated so that all the children's needs are met.

As a kid who was in a “blended” family, I would have much preferred not to have the conglomeration of step (and then later, ex-step) siblings, half siblings, and full siblings. It was extremely complex and the dynamics were never not difficult.

Oh, that sucks. That's very rough for kids to go through but some parents totally ignore any red flags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sucks to be the kid in this situation, even well into adulthood. I don’t have strong feelings about my step siblings-they are average people but we just never really connected. Our parents married when we were 6, 9, 10, 11, and 15, and we weren’t really raised together.

EVEN NOW, things like weddings, holidays, etc are just frustrating. We even have very little drama or conflict, but we just aren’t all that interested in each other, but yet our parents are STILL, three decades later, trying to play happy family and “blend” us. I don’t hate my step siblings, but I don’t really want to spend several days with them every Christmas, even if I’d like to see my dad. And I’m not really wanting to host all of them, even if I’d like to see just my dad, he doesn’t want to leave his wife at Christmas and she doesn’t want to miss Christmas with her kids in their city.

And we are a family where things have turned out relatively well and I still hate this situation.

Maybe try to see your dad alone on nonholiday times

[Anonymous]

What about situations where one of the spouses has kids, but the other does not? Is that easier because then you don’t have the step sibling dynamic?

[Anonymous]

Blended families dont really work. You can still date this person and parent/live separate.

Just for starters my mom remarried at near 40, my brothers and I were 3, 12, and 17. My step sister was 11. My brother and step sister ended up having a child, which was given up for adoption when they were 16 and 15, respectively. My youngest brother hates my stepdad with the fury of 1000 suns. My step-sister went on to have 2 more kids before 21. My brother is an addict and carries serious guilt (that their kid was adopted, that my mom and stepdad had problems after that, etc.). My step sister is supported with childcare and financially by my mom and stepdad but we are not. It is very clear that my brother and I get one half (to then share thirds) and my stepsister gets the other half. It is so blatant that they have offered to pay for her to go to school, but my brothers and I took out loans. They bought an investment property that she and her kids live in with rent reduced to 2/3 of market rate. When I bought a house, they did nothing- not even a Home Depot gift card.

They still try to do family holidays and it sucks. I just want to spend time with my mom and brothers. I really dislike my stepsister and my stepdad is annoying. She had 3 kids to take care of after living with a chaotic and verbally abusive father, but she chose him over us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blended families dont really work. You can still date this person and parent/live separate.

Just for starters my mom remarried at near 40, my brothers and I were 3, 12, and 17. My step sister was 11. My brother and step sister ended up having a child, which was given up for adoption when they were 16 and 15, respectively. My youngest brother hates my stepdad with the fury of 1000 suns. My step-sister went on to have 2 more kids before 21. My brother is an addict and carries serious guilt (that their kid was adopted, that my mom and stepdad had problems after that, etc.). My step sister is supported with childcare and financially by my mom and stepdad but we are not. It is very clear that my brother and I get one half (to then share thirds) and my stepsister gets the other half. It is so blatant that they have offered to pay for her to go to school, but my brothers and I took out loans. They bought an investment property that she and her kids live in with rent reduced to 2/3 of market rate. When I bought a house, they did nothing- not even a Home Depot gift card.

They still try to do family holidays and it sucks. I just want to spend time with my mom and brothers. I really dislike my stepsister and my stepdad is annoying. She had 3 kids to take care of after living with a chaotic and verbally abusive father, but she chose him over us.

No offense OP, but this sounds like 100x more drama than a "normal" blended family. And not how most parents would treat their children. Also - very odd that your siblings had a baby together, clearly weird family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Not in my case it doesn't. My mom remarried when I was 9 to a man who had two kids of his own. It was problematic from the outset and eventually went down in flames when I was in college. None of us have seen my step-father or step-siblings since, which is totally fine with me. I can't even imagine how awful it would've been if my mom and step-father had had a kid of their own.

[Anonymous]

I know one instance that ended well (two kids from each first marriage, added one child now in college).

The rest ended in divorce after only a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about situations where one of the spouses has kids, but the other does not? Is that easier because then you don’t have the step sibling dynamic?

That dynamics is not easy either in which one parent without kid ended up doing work and feels like he/she should be rewarded/appreciated but get very resentful. After all the work, they are still not his/her kids anyway. There is no easy dynamics for a blended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks to be the kid in this situation, even well into adulthood. I don’t have strong feelings about my step siblings-they are average people but we just never really connected. Our parents married when we were 6, 9, 10, 11, and 15, and we weren’t really raised together.

EVEN NOW, things like weddings, holidays, etc are just frustrating. We even have very little drama or conflict, but we just aren’t all that interested in each other, but yet our parents are STILL, three decades later, trying to play happy family and “blend” us. I don’t hate my step siblings, but I don’t really want to spend several days with them every Christmas, even if I’d like to see my dad. And I’m not really wanting to host all of them, even if I’d like to see just my dad, he doesn’t want to leave his wife at Christmas and she doesn’t want to miss Christmas with her kids in their city.

And we are a family where things have turned out relatively well and I still hate this situation.

Maybe try to see your dad alone on nonholiday times

Pp here. Wow you just magically solved all my problems! Why did I never think of that?/s

I do see my dad on his own during nonholiday times, but also I’d like to spend holidays sometimes with him. Also, Christmas is when I have leave. Also at play is my dad and stepmom wanting all of us to be together for holidays. It’s exhausting. I’ve already got a mom and a stepdad and step siblings on their side, plus my in laws (also divorced). It makes for very complicated extended family dynamics, even when things aren’t dysfunctional they are still deeply complex when so many people are involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Blended families dont really work. You can still date this person and parent/live separate.

Just for starters my mom remarried at near 40, my brothers and I were 3, 12, and 17. My step sister was 11. My brother and step sister ended up having a child, which was given up for adoption when they were 16 and 15, respectively. My youngest brother hates my stepdad with the fury of 1000 suns. My step-sister went on to have 2 more kids before 21. My brother is an addict and carries serious guilt (that their kid was adopted, that my mom and stepdad had problems after that, etc.). My step sister is supported with childcare and financially by my mom and stepdad but we are not. It is very clear that my brother and I get one half (to then share thirds) and my stepsister gets the other half. It is so blatant that they have offered to pay for her to go to school, but my brothers and I took out loans. They bought an investment property that she and her kids live in with rent reduced to 2/3 of market rate. When I bought a house, they did nothing- not even a Home Depot gift card.

They still try to do family holidays and it sucks. I just want to spend time with my mom and brothers. I really dislike my stepsister and my stepdad is annoying. She had 3 kids to take care of after living with a chaotic and verbally abusive father, but she chose him over us.

No offense OP, but this sounds like 100x more drama than a "normal" blended family. And not how most parents would treat their children. Also - very odd that your siblings had a baby together, clearly weird family dynamics.

You are correct but there is the potential. You have two unrelated kids constantly being together during a very precocious time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks to be the kid in this situation, even well into adulthood. I don’t have strong feelings about my step siblings-they are average people but we just never really connected. Our parents married when we were 6, 9, 10, 11, and 15, and we weren’t really raised together.

EVEN NOW, things like weddings, holidays, etc are just frustrating. We even have very little drama or conflict, but we just aren’t all that interested in each other, but yet our parents are STILL, three decades later, trying to play happy family and “blend” us. I don’t hate my step siblings, but I don’t really want to spend several days with them every Christmas, even if I’d like to see my dad. And I’m not really wanting to host all of them, even if I’d like to see just my dad, he doesn’t want to leave his wife at Christmas and she doesn’t want to miss Christmas with her kids in their city.

And we are a family where things have turned out relatively well and I still hate this situation.

Maybe try to see your dad alone on nonholiday times

Pp here. Wow you just magically solved all my problems! Why did I never think of that?/s

I do see my dad on his own during nonholiday times, but also I’d like to spend holidays sometimes with him. Also, Christmas is when I have leave. Also at play is my dad and stepmom wanting all of us to be together for holidays. It’s exhausting. I’ve already got a mom and a stepdad and step siblings on their side, plus my in laws (also divorced). It makes for very complicated extended family dynamics, even when things aren’t dysfunctional they are still deeply complex when so many people are involved.

New poster -- my story is different but I can definitely identify with ongoing parental pressure/delusion of playing happy blended family well into adulthood for everyone. The warning here is to the parents. I know, you want to believe everyone is happy and -- my favorite -- "resilient." Your kids may act that way, to please you or to quiet you, for a long, long time. Sorry, my stepbrother will never be my brother, nice guy and all but hello I am 45 and have had enough.