Does a blended family actually work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not divorced you have no right to comment on this board. The condescending attitudes about what’s right and “not just marrying anyone” are uncalled for. No one is talking about just marrying anyone. The question is about two people that suffered through divorce finding happiness again and hoping to expand a family.

Yes, it can work if done correctly, especially if the children are young and already get along.

Adult children of divorce have a perspective you won't get from divorced people. Divorced people can be very self-deluding about the consequences of their choices, and will stubbornly insist that everything is great, when really things are pretty bad.

I get this, but I'm not sure how having parents who are miserably still together, or miserably single with no partner for emotional support, is really that better for kids? At some point you do have to drop the bitterness.

You are still not getting it. It's not that I am bitter. I am tired. I just don't want to spend time propping up the illusion of a big happy family. My parents have the right to date and marry. I have the right to think their relationships are dysfunctional and their new partners are losers. I don't want to spend my time and energy on it. I have my own family now, and my own marriage and in-laws, and my other parent as well. I'm just not available for the fake happy family thing. Divorced parents should go in with eyes open and understand that their children may be polite but likely wil never truly blend.

+100, I can’t agree more with PP’s point that adult children of divorce simply have a totally different perspective, and one that has been unheard, hence some of the shock and denial from divorced parents in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepmother is a terrible person who hated me from the start, and I now hate her.

There's something about stepmothers' jealousy and competition with daughters, I think. She wasn't the same way with my brothers.

I'm dating a divorced dad of two teenage sons. I am TOTALLY a girls' girl - all my friends are girls, I am not a tomboy at all, hate sports, love little girls, etc. But I do suspect dating someone with sons is easier. I would LOVE to date a man with a daughter that I got along with well, but I think that seems so rare that I find the idea somewhat scary. My boyfriend's sons are so easy with me - they seem to react to my presence with a "Hi, whatever, I'm going to go play video games now." They seem neutral towards me (their dad claims that they told him they like me but who knows).

But I also wonder if the expectations are higher with girls. Like, if he had a teenage daughter who was just like, "hi" and not much more to me, my feelings would probably be more hurt. I think I would feel that I need to have a more in depth relationship with a girl and if I didnt it would worry me more. Whereas with the boys I am like, whatever, they are boys, they'd rather go play video games than talk to their dad's middle aged girlfriend, that's normal.

Well, it could also mean the dad is not that into you anyway so this isn't a long-term thing. Or maybe he understands that teens are unlikely to care very much.

Interesting. Could you elaborate? I don’t fully follow you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepmother is a terrible person who hated me from the start, and I now hate her.

There's something about stepmothers' jealousy and competition with daughters, I think. She wasn't the same way with my brothers.

I'm dating a divorced dad of two teenage sons. I am TOTALLY a girls' girl - all my friends are girls, I am not a tomboy at all, hate sports, love little girls, etc. But I do suspect dating someone with sons is easier. I would LOVE to date a man with a daughter that I got along with well, but I think that seems so rare that I find the idea somewhat scary. My boyfriend's sons are so easy with me - they seem to react to my presence with a "Hi, whatever, I'm going to go play video games now." They seem neutral towards me (their dad claims that they told him they like me but who knows).

But I also wonder if the expectations are higher with girls. Like, if he had a teenage daughter who was just like, "hi" and not much more to me, my feelings would probably be more hurt. I think I would feel that I need to have a more in depth relationship with a girl and if I didnt it would worry me more. Whereas with the boys I am like, whatever, they are boys, they'd rather go play video games than talk to their dad's middle aged girlfriend, that's normal.

Well, it could also mean the dad is not that into you anyway so this isn't a long-term thing. Or maybe he understands that teens are unlikely to care very much.

Interesting. Could you elaborate? I don’t fully follow you

There are two possibilities. One is that he is a realist who understands teen boys just don't care about spending time with their father's girlfriend and there is nothing to be gained by pressuring them. But another possibility is that your man is not trying to blend you with the kids because he isn't planning to date you long-term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not divorced you have no right to comment on this board. The condescending attitudes about what’s right and “not just marrying anyone” are uncalled for. No one is talking about just marrying anyone. The question is about two people that suffered through divorce finding happiness again and hoping to expand a family.

Yes, it can work if done correctly, especially if the children are young and already get along.

Adult children of divorce have a perspective you won't get from divorced people. Divorced people can be very self-deluding about the consequences of their choices, and will stubbornly insist that everything is great, when really things are pretty bad.

I get this, but I'm not sure how having parents who are miserably still together, or miserably single with no partner for emotional support, is really that better for kids? At some point you do have to drop the bitterness.

You are still not getting it. It's not that I am bitter. I am tired. I just don't want to spend time propping up the illusion of a big happy family. My parents have the right to date and marry. I have the right to think their relationships are dysfunctional and their new partners are losers. I don't want to spend my time and energy on it. I have my own family now, and my own marriage and in-laws, and my other parent as well. I'm just not available for the fake happy family thing. Divorced parents should go in with eyes open and understand that their children may be polite but likely wil never truly blend.

+100, I can’t agree more with PP’s point that adult children of divorce simply have a totally different perspective, and one that has been unheard, hence some of the shock and denial from divorced parents in this thread.

This. They are in denial and can't see our perspective. Or sometimes they know deep down that their new family sucks and are trying to prove to themselves that everything is okay. So they want our presence and our validation of their choices. Our refusal to validate their bad choices and false beliefs about the family causes cognitive dissonance and upsets them, so they accuse us of bitterness and various other things. But really, I just don't have time for it and don't want to do emotional labor, and don't want to be around losers. I'm not actually bitter about the divorce. But they won't accept my perspective so they call me names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, I HATE my stepmother with the fire of a million sons, but I’m an adult now. I’m not hung up on what daddy and mommy do at Christmas. I do what I want to do. A lot of adults here pretty bitter and fixated. My stepmother keeps my dad occupied so I have no duties towards him. No worries.

Must be nice that they don't hassle you. Not all of us are so lucky. My mom randomly shows up at my house with her husband because she thinks that will make me spend time with him.

I would be happy if my dad found someone nice to spend his life with, and I would be fine with spending time with her as well and getting to know her.

The problems arise when the stepmom also has kids (and maybe even grandkids) and then wants all of us to bond.

Examples of things I’ve personally experienced:

-dad and stepmom wanting to come visit when I just had a new baby, and at the last second springing on me that they will be bringing stepmoms two tween grandchildren to “meet their new cousin!” I was happy to have my dad come, tolerant of my stepmom coming too, but then somehow I’m a jerk for not wanting my “niece and nephew” to come stay at my house when I’d just given birth

-my dad married my stepmom, and within one year her two adult children and two grandchildren were all living with my dad. I wouldn’t have cared but then anytime i wanted to go visit my dad, I had to deal with them, and because they were living with my dad there was nowhere for my family to stay so we had to get a hotel (honestly that was fine). But then in our limited time visiting my dad for a long weekend, I never got a moment one on one with him, because stepmom and stepsiblings and their kids were always around and they expected all of us to do group activities together

-at my wedding, feeling pressured to invite my step siblings and their children, even though I’d met them exactly one time ever and I was having a small wedding with no children. I caved (my own fault for not standing firm), and then we had to take professional pictures with all of them with the photographer because they were “family”. My dad and stepmom were divorced within 3 years.

-my siblings and dad and I have an annual get together where we go camping. We were fine with him bringing his wife, but then he wanted to invite the step siblings and their partners and children, again, people we had met once or twice, not people we grew up with.

My stepmom was a perfectly decent person and my dad loved her, but all of the stuff above completely wore me down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, I HATE my stepmother with the fire of a million sons, but I’m an adult now. I’m not hung up on what daddy and mommy do at Christmas. I do what I want to do. A lot of adults here pretty bitter and fixated. My stepmother keeps my dad occupied so I have no duties towards him. No worries.

Must be nice that they don't hassle you. Not all of us are so lucky. My mom randomly shows up at my house with her husband because she thinks that will make me spend time with him.

I would be happy if my dad found someone nice to spend his life with, and I would be fine with spending time with her as well and getting to know her.

The problems arise when the stepmom also has kids (and maybe even grandkids) and then wants all of us to bond.

Examples of things I’ve personally experienced:

-dad and stepmom wanting to come visit when I just had a new baby, and at the last second springing on me that they will be bringing stepmoms two tween grandchildren to “meet their new cousin!” I was happy to have my dad come, tolerant of my stepmom coming too, but then somehow I’m a jerk for not wanting my “niece and nephew” to come stay at my house when I’d just given birth

-my dad married my stepmom, and within one year her two adult children and two grandchildren were all living with my dad. I wouldn’t have cared but then anytime i wanted to go visit my dad, I had to deal with them, and because they were living with my dad there was nowhere for my family to stay so we had to get a hotel (honestly that was fine). But then in our limited time visiting my dad for a long weekend, I never got a moment one on one with him, because stepmom and stepsiblings and their kids were always around and they expected all of us to do group activities together

-at my wedding, feeling pressured to invite my step siblings and their children, even though I’d met them exactly one time ever and I was having a small wedding with no children. I caved (my own fault for not standing firm), and then we had to take professional pictures with all of them with the photographer because they were “family”. My dad and stepmom were divorced within 3 years.

-my siblings and dad and I have an annual get together where we go camping. We were fine with him bringing his wife, but then he wanted to invite the step siblings and their partners and children, again, people we had met once or twice, not people we grew up with.

My stepmom was a perfectly decent person and my dad loved her, but all of the stuff above completely wore me down.

Yes! This!! All of this!! Dang, some of this is like a page from my life. I think we are due, culturally, for a great telling of stories from adult children of divorce. The same way how, in the past decade, there was a flood of stories from the first wave of korean adoptees who'd reached adulthood, and a wave of stories from adult children of hoarders. The adult LONGVIEW perspective of life with divorced parents -- how this stuff plays out over 30 years -- is totally different than any of the other divorce-related stories that have been out there. I am here to buy your books.

[Anonymous]

I think this is extremely different from OP’s situation since the kids at hand are elementary and below. Presumably these children will grow up together, not be forced into bonding in adulthood.

All siblings, whether biological, step, or adopted have a chance at getting along and a chance at not. There are many places on this forum where people hate on their bio families. It’s about attitudes and mentality of raising kind humans. Any family can go awry, it’s how the adults handle it that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is extremely different from OP’s situation since the kids at hand are elementary and below. Presumably these children will grow up together, not be forced into bonding in adulthood.

All siblings, whether biological, step, or adopted have a chance at getting along and a chance at not. There are many places on this forum where people hate on their bio families. It’s about attitudes and mentality of raising kind humans. Any family can go awry, it’s how the adults handle it that matters.

By the time OP has two more kids the oldest will be a teenager. And teenagers often don't take kindly to a household that revolves around infants and toddlers. Nor do they like seeing another kid have their dad full-time while they make do with less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is extremely different from OP’s situation since the kids at hand are elementary and below. Presumably these children will grow up together, not be forced into bonding in adulthood.

All siblings, whether biological, step, or adopted have a chance at getting along and a chance at not. There are many places on this forum where people hate on their bio families. It’s about attitudes and mentality of raising kind humans. Any family can go awry, it’s how the adults handle it that matters.

By the time OP has two more kids the oldest will be a teenager. And teenagers often don't take kindly to a household that revolves around infants and toddlers. Nor do they like seeing another kid have their dad full-time while they make do with less.

To each their own. I think it’s about how you raise your children. I was 15 when my sister was born and love her dearly bc that’s how I was raised. I didn’t have to compete, we were different people with different needs and interests. I made do with less, but I gained a sister, who today is one of my best friends.

The entitled attitudes exemplified on this board make me realize why so many families have issues. We can all be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is extremely different from OP’s situation since the kids at hand are elementary and below. Presumably these children will grow up together, not be forced into bonding in adulthood.

All siblings, whether biological, step, or adopted have a chance at getting along and a chance at not. There are many places on this forum where people hate on their bio families. It’s about attitudes and mentality of raising kind humans. Any family can go awry, it’s how the adults handle it that matters.

By the time OP has two more kids the oldest will be a teenager. And teenagers often don't take kindly to a household that revolves around infants and toddlers. Nor do they like seeing another kid have their dad full-time while they make do with less.

To each their own. I think it’s about how you raise your children. I was 15 when my sister was born and love her dearly bc that’s how I was raised. I didn’t have to compete, we were different people with different needs and interests. I made do with less, but I gained a sister, who today is one of my best friends.

The entitled attitudes exemplified on this board make me realize why so many families have issues. We can all be better.

+1


I was 11 when my sister was born and do not ever feel like there were any negative feelings. It was so exciting to have a baby sister, we are still very close as adults. I have been a stepmother for 9 years, we got married when my step daughters were pre teens and had kids when they were in high shcool. Of all the difficulties associated with being a step parent, the relationship that my step daughters have with my sons has never been one.

[Anonymous]

Again, is is obvious who is answering based on experience and who is answering based on fantasy. Good luck OP, don't say you weren't warned.

[Anonymous]

^^

omg, you can't believable people can be different from you!

[Anonymous]

It’s the same poster that constantly interjects about her loser drug addict stepfamily.

Clearly that is not the majority of people’s experiences. Most people don’t choose to marry losers. There is a way for smart, kind, compassionate people to make this work. It takes time, dedication, and a lot of communication, but it’s possible with the right parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the same poster that constantly interjects about her loser drug addict stepfamily.

Clearly that is not the majority of people’s experiences. Most people don’t choose to marry losers. There is a way for smart, kind, compassionate people to make this work. It takes time, dedication, and a lot of communication, but it’s possible with the right parents.

Exactly how much time do you think adults with their own jobs and families should have to devote to making this work? Sorry but I just DGAF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the same poster that constantly interjects about her loser drug addict stepfamily.

Clearly that is not the majority of people’s experiences. Most people don’t choose to marry losers. There is a way for smart, kind, compassionate people to make this work. It takes time, dedication, and a lot of communication, but it’s possible with the right parents.

I'm not even the PP you're talking about, I even like my stepmom, but LOLOLOLOL to everything you've written here, "the right parents" don't exist and my parents' spouses and their various first-marriage kids are just not even on my plate, sorry if you only get to see us at every 4th Thanksgiving.