Does a blended family actually work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that there will never be a "family" in most of these instances. There should never be force or demands to try and make it so. But.

Why is it so hard to simply be welcoming to new spouses? Why doesn't the Golden Rule ("Do Unto Others...") apply in both directions?

You may not like your parents new partners. And they may not like yours either. A little respect for the important roles they play would be a simple step in the right direction.

My DH's Son In Law takes financial advantage of his daughter, likes to gamble, likes to drink, has a family with felons and a history of domestic violence, is extremely political, has an entire cache of guns and can't string together a cohesive sentence on anything of importance.

SIL is not the kind of person my DH thinks is a good partner but his daughter picked him whatever her reasons. My DH has been welcoming, has conversations with SIL as best he can, has had some one-on-one time with him, speaks to him on the phone, asks his daughter how he is doing when he is not there, and always remembers his birthdays.

In other words he shows respect for the fact that this is who his daughter chose even though he doesn't care for him.

Why is it so difficult for many adult children to do the same for their parents' choices?

Because some of our parents are asking for a lot more than that-- they want us to actually be "family" not just with the person they married, but with that person's adult children and that person's parents. It's a huge time commitment to actually do that. (Not so much if all they want is for us to lie and say we're a big happy family without actually being one, but that's annoying.) And because some of us were forced against our will to live in the same house with objectionable people, which is far more difficult. This isn't about being polite or showing respect. It's about priorities and the fact that the logistical burden on adult children of divorce is a lot already.

Also, an aging parent is vulnerable in ways that an adult child is not. We have to keep our eyes open for elder abuse and financial exploitation.

PP, how would you feel if this nasty man were your stepfather and you were forced to live with him (and his guns) and he had parental authority over you? That is what a lot of us ACOD's have been through. We don't want any more of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, is is obvious who is answering based on experience and who is answering based on fantasy. Good luck OP, don't say you weren't warned.

So because you are miserable everyone should be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, is is obvious who is answering based on experience and who is answering based on fantasy. Good luck OP, don't say you weren't warned.

So because you are miserable everyone should be?

Who is asking anyone to be miserable? Just be realistic and don't make unreasonable demands on others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that there will never be a "family" in most of these instances. There should never be force or demands to try and make it so. But.

Why is it so hard to simply be welcoming to new spouses? Why doesn't the Golden Rule ("Do Unto Others...") apply in both directions?

You may not like your parents new partners. And they may not like yours either. A little respect for the important roles they play would be a simple step in the right direction.

My DH's Son In Law takes financial advantage of his daughter, likes to gamble, likes to drink, has a family with felons and a history of domestic violence, is extremely political, has an entire cache of guns and can't string together a cohesive sentence on anything of importance.

SIL is not the kind of person my DH thinks is a good partner but his daughter picked him whatever her reasons. My DH has been welcoming, has conversations with SIL as best he can, has had some one-on-one time with him, speaks to him on the phone, asks his daughter how he is doing when he is not there, and always remembers his birthdays.

In other words he shows respect for the fact that this is who his daughter chose even though he doesn't care for him.

Why is it so difficult for many adult children to do the same for their parents' choices?

Because some of our parents are asking for a lot more than that-- they want us to actually be "family" not just with the person they married, but with that person's adult children and that person's parents. It's a huge time commitment to actually do that. (Not so much if all they want is for us to lie and say we're a big happy family without actually being one, but that's annoying.) And because some of us were forced against our will to live in the same house with objectionable people, which is far more difficult. This isn't about being polite or showing respect. It's about priorities and the fact that the logistical burden on adult children of divorce is a lot already.

Also, an aging parent is vulnerable in ways that an adult child is not. We have to keep our eyes open for elder abuse and financial exploitation.

Some parents. Some. Not all. There are also many more parents who have spouses/partners that are endlessly trying to refrain from making any kind of misstep. It can be a damned if you do, damned if you don't. Try to reach out to adult kids and you might be damned for interfering, placing pressure and being burdensome. Don't reach out and you are cold, distant and disinterested.

Financial exploitation goes both ways too. Many stepparents may provide significant resources yet are rarely acknowledged for doing so. Second spouses during the latter part of a person's life are usually the ones who are expected to be there to physically provide support when their spouse is ailing, too. Doctors appointments, sleepless nights, serious illnesses. I find it hard to believe that an adult child would need to "keep [their] eyes open" because they think a parent's spouse would be exploitative after decades of marriage. Often longer than original marriages, BTW.

While adult COD can certainly look at it solely from their perspective, it bears mentioning that statistically you will also be in this same situation yourself some day as you will have another spouse/partner. Food for thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that there will never be a "family" in most of these instances. There should never be force or demands to try and make it so. But.

Why is it so hard to simply be welcoming to new spouses? Why doesn't the Golden Rule ("Do Unto Others...") apply in both directions?

You may not like your parents new partners. And they may not like yours either. A little respect for the important roles they play would be a simple step in the right direction.

My DH's Son In Law takes financial advantage of his daughter, likes to gamble, likes to drink, has a family with felons and a history of domestic violence, is extremely political, has an entire cache of guns and can't string together a cohesive sentence on anything of importance.

SIL is not the kind of person my DH thinks is a good partner but his daughter picked him whatever her reasons. My DH has been welcoming, has conversations with SIL as best he can, has had some one-on-one time with him, speaks to him on the phone, asks his daughter how he is doing when he is not there, and always remembers his birthdays.

In other words he shows respect for the fact that this is who his daughter chose even though he doesn't care for him.

Why is it so difficult for many adult children to do the same for their parents' choices?

Because some of our parents are asking for a lot more than that-- they want us to actually be "family" not just with the person they married, but with that person's adult children and that person's parents. It's a huge time commitment to actually do that. (Not so much if all they want is for us to lie and say we're a big happy family without actually being one, but that's annoying.) And because some of us were forced against our will to live in the same house with objectionable people, which is far more difficult. This isn't about being polite or showing respect. It's about priorities and the fact that the logistical burden on adult children of divorce is a lot already.

Also, an aging parent is vulnerable in ways that an adult child is not. We have to keep our eyes open for elder abuse and financial exploitation.

Some parents. Some. Not all. There are also many more parents who have spouses/partners that are endlessly trying to refrain from making any kind of misstep. It can be a damned if you do, damned if you don't. Try to reach out to adult kids and you might be damned for interfering, placing pressure and being burdensome. Don't reach out and you are cold, distant and disinterested.

Financial exploitation goes both ways too. Many stepparents may provide significant resources yet are rarely acknowledged for doing so. Second spouses during the latter part of a person's life are usually the ones who are expected to be there to physically provide support when their spouse is ailing, too. Doctors appointments, sleepless nights, serious illnesses. I find it hard to believe that an adult child would need to "keep [their] eyes open" because they think a parent's spouse would be exploitative after decades of marriage. Often longer than original marriages, BTW.

While adult COD can certainly look at it solely from their perspective, it bears mentioning that statistically you will also be in this same situation yourself some day as you will have another spouse/partner. Food for thought.

If you feel you are being exploited by something, you don't have to do it. If you don't want to spend your money, don't-- if there are going to be strings attached, it's better not to. If you don't want to provide support to your spouse, why are you married to them? That's a normal part of marriage, not something nice you're doing as a favor for your adult stepchildren. It is YOUR choice and you're doing it for your marriage and yourself. Maybe it's better for the ACOD, maybe it's worse, maybe it's a mixed bag. But it's your choice.

The exploitation can happen all along. Or it can develop when the parent is old and no longer able to manage their own affairs and protect themselves, or when a new problem with an adult stepchild arises, or when their spouse can no longer work and runs out of money to maintain their lifestyle. We all have to keep our eyes open to elder abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, OP’s kids are 4 and 9. They aren’t being forced into a family as adults nor do they have competing priorities.

They are being forced into it now when they have no autonomy, and they will be forced into it still, when they are adults. Take the long view.

Now THIS is the selfish beotch a PP was talking about. Kids are 4 and 9. Just keep repeating that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, OP’s kids are 4 and 9. They aren’t being forced into a family as adults nor do they have competing priorities.

They are being forced into it now when they have no autonomy, and they will be forced into it still, when they are adults. Take the long view.

Now THIS is the selfish beotch a PP was talking about. Kids are 4 and 9. Just keep repeating that.

They will grow up into adults, and OP will no doubt try to pressure them to act like siblings and play happy family the whole time. Divorce and remarriage are not just short-term adjustments. They are lifelong conditions. Maybe for better, maybe for worse, but it lasts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read this thread if you are ever tempted to remarry and start a blended family.

https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/blended-family-issues/i-hate-my-step-kids-and-i-am-starting-hate-my-husband-80473

NP. I spent more than an hour reading through posts on there, and it's beyond depressing. It does appear that it skews unhappy and/or uneducated -- people who are making it work are not going to vent on a forum like Steptalk. And clearly, a lot of these families lack education, and emotional intelligence.

To echo what another PP said, the amount of tension between stepmoms and stepdaughters is particularly troubling.

[Anonymous]

I think a more apt question would be, does anyone have a GOOD story about a blended family? I've never heard of one, frankly, that didn't create more problems than it solved. Im a single parent and wont be considering anything long term until my kids are out of the house. Kids of divorce have been through enough and no they are not as "resilient" as people like to claim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a more apt question would be, does anyone have a GOOD story about a blended family? I've never heard of one, frankly, that didn't create more problems than it solved. Im a single parent and wont be considering anything long term until my kids are out of the house. Kids of divorce have been through enough and no they are not as "resilient" as people like to claim.

According to this thread, it does not matter how old your kids are. Even if they are adults when you remarry they will resent you, hate your spouse, hate your spouse's family, etc. According to this thread, you are selfish if you remarry because your adult children will be uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a more apt question would be, does anyone have a GOOD story about a blended family? I've never heard of one, frankly, that didn't create more problems than it solved. Im a single parent and wont be considering anything long term until my kids are out of the house. Kids of divorce have been through enough and no they are not as "resilient" as people like to claim.

According to this thread, it does not matter how old your kids are. Even if they are adults when you remarry they will resent you, hate your spouse, hate your spouse's family, etc. According to this thread, you are selfish if you remarry because your adult children will be uncomfortable.

No. You're not understanding it, or you're creating a straw man argument. Parents have the right to remarry. They do not have the right to expect their children to like their new spouse just because of the marriage. They do not have the right to ask their children to spend time with the new spouse's children or other relatives. An actual feeling of family affection may develop, but if it doesn't, too bad-- you don't get to hassle anyone about it or try to get them to pretend for your benefit. They should not expect step-relatives who are adults to be treated on the same level of importance as actual relatives. Not because of any animosity, but because being an ACOD is already very logistically difficult, so you shouldn't expect any more effort than your children are already putting in.

[Anonymous]

My best guy pal (widower) who married his new wife had 2 kids. New wife (divorced) had 3 kids. All kids were under 6. The kids have little/no memory of ever being without each other. The word "step" hasn't really been used in their household. 5 is enough. No children together. Very smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sure there must be some family out there where it worked. The only one I know of was when the mom had one child from her first marriage and dad was not in the picture. Mom married her 2nd husband and they had one child when the first child was about 10. They seemed to do OK, but note-the first child was not going back and forth for visitation, and the new husband did not have kids of his own. So this situation was much simpler than others.

I have never seen it go well when both partners already came into the marriage with children. The divorce rate for that configuration is 70%, so......

Do you think it is better or easier when only one partner has kids and the other does not want to have her own biological kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best guy pal (widower) who married his new wife had 2 kids. New wife (divorced) had 3 kids. All kids were under 6. The kids have little/no memory of ever being without each other. The word "step" hasn't really been used in their household. 5 is enough. No children together. Very smart.

yeah sure my stepmother would claim a similar story for our blended family ... all totally fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best guy pal (widower) who married his new wife had 2 kids. New wife (divorced) had 3 kids. All kids were under 6. The kids have little/no memory of ever being without each other. The word "step" hasn't really been used in their household. 5 is enough. No children together. Very smart.

What about the wife's ex? Do the kids not have a relationship with their bio dad?