Wife had Affair with Coworker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

Shocking that while you were having an affair your marriage was on the floor, and that once you ended the affair and actually started putting that emotional energy into your marriage, you have seen positive changes. Your post is all about you and your “secret fun,” full of rationalizations. Your affair was not unique. Read in any of the infidelity forums. You sound exactly like every other cheater.

To clarify: My marriage was on the floor before the affair. I am not expecting any positive support from the majority of DCUM crowd on this tread. Me sounding like every other cheater maybe points to a common problem we have in terms of our societal and moral expectations and norms.

You should not expect any positive support because you do not deserve any. You are completely immoral and selfish.

Regardless of what "society" expects, your husband has a right to expect your loyalty. Now you're "rebuilding" your marriage. But I bet your DH doesn't even know about your affair. He might have noticed your "mindset change" and be responding to it positively, but he has no idea why you have changed (i.e., because you decided to end the affair for your own selfish reasons), does he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the affair still ongoing?

She says she ended it the next day. Another reason I am considering reaching out the affair partner.

You need to contact AP's spouse. Not as an act of revenge but because ethically it's the right thing to do. Failing to do so makes you complicit in the deception.

I'm not in favor of you contacting her AP's spouse, but I'd want to contact him for sure to verify that he has this same understanding ding that your wife is trying to sell you. Of course she said she ended it the next day. That is the ONLY correct response when you are caught but you can never trust that. Do you want to know how you can trust her?

Sit her down and tell her, this is the only way I'll even begin to believe you. I need to see it for myself because I don't believe what you tell me after three years of lying to me. Tell her to text the guy with you sitting there reminding him that it is over and will never happen again. You want to see his response and how he talks to her. She needs to use your name and mention her marriage and again, you will see just where they are at with this.

Or...she will refuse to do that and then you have your answer. Because if she really ended it with the guy and she is being straight with you right now, she would not hesitate to prove that to you. If she isn't willing to do that, then she is still lying to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

I am glad you posted this. It takes guts to post it here. This is far more common - and complicated - than people care to understand. And as this poster states, the marriage was on the rocks before this.
Also a DW here- not a man.

This is not complicated to understand. If you do not have the courage to confront the issues in your relationship you are a bad person period. You don’t just cheat on your spouse you also cheat on your kids. There is no rationalization or complication that makes this acceptable. We all have choices. If you choose to be deceptive and unfaithful you are not a good person. You are not a good mother. This is not complicated at all. Either own it and fix what is broken in yourself and your relationship or own it and accept that you are a bad person.

That's BS. Leave the kids out of this adult situation. If a spouse withholds sex, is that cheating the kids also?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

I am glad you posted this. It takes guts to post it here. This is far more common - and complicated - than people care to understand. And as this poster states, the marriage was on the rocks before this.
Also a DW here- not a man.

This is not complicated to understand. If you do not have the courage to confront the issues in your relationship you are a bad person period. You don’t just cheat on your spouse you also cheat on your kids. There is no rationalization or complication that makes this acceptable. We all have choices. If you choose to be deceptive and unfaithful you are not a good person. You are not a good mother. This is not complicated at all. Either own it and fix what is broken in yourself and your relationship or own it and accept that you are a bad person.

Yet, it is complicated and not black-white. How easy it is for you to label someone as a bad mother, bad person, bad bla bla. Life is complicated and this is the fact I own.

Deciding to be unfaithful is black and white. Deciding to be unfaithful does make you a bad person. Deciding to be unfaithful does make you a bad mother. The only complication is you not owning your own choices/issues and dealing with them head on. It is easy to label you as a bad person. You cheated on your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

I am glad you posted this. It takes guts to post it here. This is far more common - and complicated - than people care to understand. And as this poster states, the marriage was on the rocks before this.
Also a DW here- not a man.

This is not complicated to understand. If you do not have the courage to confront the issues in your relationship you are a bad person period. You don’t just cheat on your spouse you also cheat on your kids. There is no rationalization or complication that makes this acceptable. We all have choices. If you choose to be deceptive and unfaithful you are not a good person. You are not a good mother. This is not complicated at all. Either own it and fix what is broken in yourself and your relationship or own it and accept that you are a bad person.

That's BS. Leave the kids out of this adult situation. If a spouse withholds sex, is that cheating the kids also?

How is that BS? The time you were with your AP is time you could have been with the kids. You cheated them out of time and connection. Being in a sexless marriage is not a rationalization for cheating. Work on that issue in the open. Be honest and forthright. Otherwise you are just a selfish self absorbed a-hole!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

I am glad you posted this. It takes guts to post it here. This is far more common - and complicated - than people care to understand. And as this poster states, the marriage was on the rocks before this.
Also a DW here- not a man.

This is not complicated to understand. If you do not have the courage to confront the issues in your relationship you are a bad person period. You don’t just cheat on your spouse you also cheat on your kids. There is no rationalization or complication that makes this acceptable. We all have choices. If you choose to be deceptive and unfaithful you are not a good person. You are not a good mother. This is not complicated at all. Either own it and fix what is broken in yourself and your relationship or own it and accept that you are a bad person.

No, it doesn't make you a bad person. It might make you a coward, though.

[Anonymous]

Deciding to be unfaithful is black and white. Deciding to be unfaithful does make you a bad person. Deciding to be unfaithful does make you a bad mother. The only complication is you not owning your own choices/issues and dealing with them head on. It is easy to label you as a bad person. You cheated on your family.

Yes, it does. When you decide to cheat on your husband, you are deciding to do something that cannot fail to affect your relationship with your husband, and this, in turn, cannot fail to have a negative effect on your children.

The best environment for raising children is a happy marriage. If you do something to harm your marriage, you are a bad parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

I am glad you posted this. It takes guts to post it here. This is far more common - and complicated - than people care to understand. And as this poster states, the marriage was on the rocks before this.
Also a DW here- not a man.

This is not complicated to understand. If you do not have the courage to confront the issues in your relationship you are a bad person period. You don’t just cheat on your spouse you also cheat on your kids. There is no rationalization or complication that makes this acceptable. We all have choices. If you choose to be deceptive and unfaithful you are not a good person. You are not a good mother. This is not complicated at all. Either own it and fix what is broken in yourself and your relationship or own it and accept that you are a bad person.

No, it doesn't make you a bad person. It might make you a coward, though.

It makes you a coward for not confronting the issues in your relationship. It makes you a bad person for choosing to step out on your family and cheat on them.

[Anonymous]

I’m watching this play out with some friends. Wife had an affair with work colleague, husband found out and they are now separated and headed for divorce. Husband starts seeing someone else. Husband’s new girl friend tells the OM’s wife (she didn’t know) and it has turned into a huge shit storm.

OP, it would be better for the OM’s wife to find out from you than from someone else, just because you are directly affected by the affair. In my friend’s case, it’s clear that the husband’s new girlfriend is looking to create drama, possibly to ensure that husband and wife don’t reconcile, IDK. It’s a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Deciding to be unfaithful is black and white. Deciding to be unfaithful does make you a bad person. Deciding to be unfaithful does make you a bad mother. The only complication is you not owning your own choices/issues and dealing with them head on. It is easy to label you as a bad person. You cheated on your family.

Yes, it does. When you decide to cheat on your husband, you are deciding to do something that cannot fail to affect your relationship with your husband, and this, in turn, cannot fail to have a negative effect on your children.

The best environment for raising children is a happy marriage. If you do something to harm your marriage, you are a bad parent.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

I am glad you posted this. It takes guts to post it here. This is far more common - and complicated - than people care to understand. And as this poster states, the marriage was on the rocks before this.
Also a DW here- not a man.

This is not complicated to understand. If you do not have the courage to confront the issues in your relationship you are a bad person period. You don’t just cheat on your spouse you also cheat on your kids. There is no rationalization or complication that makes this acceptable. We all have choices. If you choose to be deceptive and unfaithful you are not a good person. You are not a good mother. This is not complicated at all. Either own it and fix what is broken in yourself and your relationship or own it and accept that you are a bad person.

Yet, it is complicated and not black-white. How easy it is for you to label someone as a bad mother, bad person, bad bla bla. Life is complicated and this is the fact I own.

"Deciding to be unfaithful is black and white. Deciding to be unfaithful does make you a bad person. Deciding to be unfaithful does make you a bad mother. The only complication is you not owning your own choices/issues and dealing with them head on. It is easy to label you as a bad person. You cheated on your family.

"

YES, YES, YES - THIS: "Deciding to be unfaithful is black and white. Deciding to be unfaithful does make you a bad person. Deciding to be unfaithful does make you a bad mother. The only complication is you not owning your own choices/issues and dealing with them head on. It is easy to label you as a bad person. You cheated on your family. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

I am glad you posted this. It takes guts to post it here. This is far more common - and complicated - than people care to understand. And as this poster states, the marriage was on the rocks before this.
Also a DW here- not a man.

This is not complicated to understand. If you do not have the courage to confront the issues in your relationship you are a bad person period. You don’t just cheat on your spouse you also cheat on your kids. There is no rationalization or complication that makes this acceptable. We all have choices. If you choose to be deceptive and unfaithful you are not a good person. You are not a good mother. This is not complicated at all. Either own it and fix what is broken in yourself and your relationship or own it and accept that you are a bad person.

No, it doesn't make you a bad person. It might make you a coward, though.

It makes you a coward for not confronting the issues in your relationship. It makes you a bad person for choosing to step out on your family and cheat on them.

Sure, I'd say there is validity in that argument. But you aren't a bad person just because you don't confront issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

I am glad you posted this. It takes guts to post it here. This is far more common - and complicated - than people care to understand. And as this poster states, the marriage was on the rocks before this.
Also a DW here- not a man.

This is not complicated to understand. If you do not have the courage to confront the issues in your relationship you are a bad person period. You don’t just cheat on your spouse you also cheat on your kids. There is no rationalization or complication that makes this acceptable. We all have choices. If you choose to be deceptive and unfaithful you are not a good person. You are not a good mother. This is not complicated at all. Either own it and fix what is broken in yourself and your relationship or own it and accept that you are a bad person.

No, it doesn't make you a bad person. It might make you a coward, though.

It makes you a coward for not confronting the issues in your relationship. It makes you a bad person for choosing to step out on your family and cheat on them.

Better logic.

[Anonymous]

None of the judgements prevent anyone’s spouse from seeking support, emotions and even sex from someone else. And in many cases I’d bet that the marriages weren’t sexless but instead one spouse felt ignored, neglected, and disconnected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Deciding to be unfaithful is black and white. Deciding to be unfaithful does make you a bad person. Deciding to be unfaithful does make you a bad mother. The only complication is you not owning your own choices/issues and dealing with them head on. It is easy to label you as a bad person. You cheated on your family.

Yes, it does. When you decide to cheat on your husband, you are deciding to do something that cannot fail to affect your relationship with your husband, and this, in turn, cannot fail to have a negative effect on your children.

The best environment for raising children is a happy marriage. If you do something to harm your marriage, you are a bad parent.

+1

Not putting your kids first makes one a crap of a parent.