Wife had Affair with Coworker

[Anonymous]

I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop blaming OP . He didn't have an extramarital affair. Sorry, OP, this was probably not her first affair nor will it be her last.

I don't know how you can say that this probably wasn't her first affair. No evidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

Was he really an incredible sex partner or was it just the hotness of having to sneak around? I’m guessing it wasn’t him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

Was he really an incredible sex partner or was it just the hotness of having to sneak around? I’m guessing it wasn’t him.

It wasn't just sex. He was very charming physically and intellectually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

Does your husband know? Would you be ok with him having "little secret fun"?

[Anonymous]

have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

Shocking that while you were having an affair your marriage was on the floor, and that once you ended the affair and actually started putting that emotional energy into your marriage, you have seen positive changes. Your post is all about you and your “secret fun,” full of rationalizations. Your affair was not unique. Read in any of the infidelity forums. You sound exactly like every other cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

Does your husband know? Would you be ok with him having "little secret fun"?

No he doesn't know. I don't want to know if he had one, or will have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

Shocking that while you were having an affair your marriage was on the floor, and that once you ended the affair and actually started putting that emotional energy into your marriage, you have seen positive changes. Your post is all about you and your “secret fun,” full of rationalizations. Your affair was not unique. Read in any of the infidelity forums. You sound exactly like every other cheater.

To clarify: My marriage was on the floor before the affair. I am not expecting any positive support from the majority of DCUM crowd on this tread. Me sounding like every other cheater maybe points to a common problem we have in terms of our societal and moral expectations and norms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

Shocking that while you were having an affair your marriage was on the floor, and that once you ended the affair and actually started putting that emotional energy into your marriage, you have seen positive changes. Your post is all about you and your “secret fun,” full of rationalizations. Your affair was not unique. Read in any of the infidelity forums. You sound exactly like every other cheater.

To clarify: My marriage was on the floor before the affair. I am not expecting any positive support from the majority of DCUM crowd on this tread. Me sounding like every other cheater maybe points to a common problem we have in terms of our societal and moral expectations and norms.

I was really trying to understand your POV until this post. What about YOUR morals? Societal expectations? What about your expectations? Let’s take the affair out of your marital history. Marriage was on the rocks, you put in efforts to restore it, DH responds positively. That could have happened. But you chose to make life harder for yourself and heaven forbid he finds out. Because at anytime he could. Would he affair be worth it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

I am glad you posted this. It takes guts to post it here. This is far more common - and complicated - than people care to understand. And as this poster states, the marriage was on the rocks before this.
Also a DW here- not a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

Shocking that while you were having an affair your marriage was on the floor, and that once you ended the affair and actually started putting that emotional energy into your marriage, you have seen positive changes. Your post is all about you and your “secret fun,” full of rationalizations. Your affair was not unique. Read in any of the infidelity forums. You sound exactly like every other cheater.

To clarify: My marriage was on the floor before the affair. I am not expecting any positive support from the majority of DCUM crowd on this tread. Me sounding like every other cheater maybe points to a common problem we have in terms of our societal and moral expectations and norms.

The only problem it points to is that society has morally and ethically bankrupt people like your self who are too selfish and entitled to care about anyone or anything but themselves. All relationships have ups and downs. And when yours was “on the floor” you chose to expend your energy on something new rather than working on what you had. You are not a good person, no matter how you rationalize your behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the affair still ongoing?

She says she ended it the next day. Another reason I am considering reaching out the affair partner.

You need to contact AP's spouse. Not as an act of revenge but because ethically it's the right thing to do. Failing to do so makes you complicit in the deception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

I hope your AP gave you the herp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

I am glad you posted this. It takes guts to post it here. This is far more common - and complicated - than people care to understand. And as this poster states, the marriage was on the rocks before this.
Also a DW here- not a man.

This is not complicated to understand. If you do not have the courage to confront the issues in your relationship you are a bad person period. You don’t just cheat on your spouse you also cheat on your kids. There is no rationalization or complication that makes this acceptable. We all have choices. If you choose to be deceptive and unfaithful you are not a good person. You are not a good mother. This is not complicated at all. Either own it and fix what is broken in yourself and your relationship or own it and accept that you are a bad person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been in a similar situation, on the other side. I was a cheater dw until recently with a divorced co-worker for a year. I ended it. The guilt, fear of being caught by dh/other employees, tiredness of trying to arrange trips, work excuses, realizing that I was more emotionally invested in this than him and the relationship just getting monotonous made me stop it. Midway, I offered him that I would get divorced if he was willing to partner with me. He was quiet. And I realized that this was not worth pursuing really with all the risks. He was an incredible sex partner, we connected really well on so many levels. My marriage has been on the floor since last 2 years, small kids, stressful jobs. This was my little secret fun that allowed me to survive. Now, I am back to my marriage, ready to rebuild it again. Since I have been in this mindset I have also seen a positive change coming from dh. But I wish that the world was not so black and white. I wish the marriage contracts were flexible to accommodate the changes we go through as people time to time.

I am glad you posted this. It takes guts to post it here. This is far more common - and complicated - than people care to understand. And as this poster states, the marriage was on the rocks before this.
Also a DW here- not a man.

This is not complicated to understand. If you do not have the courage to confront the issues in your relationship you are a bad person period. You don’t just cheat on your spouse you also cheat on your kids. There is no rationalization or complication that makes this acceptable. We all have choices. If you choose to be deceptive and unfaithful you are not a good person. You are not a good mother. This is not complicated at all. Either own it and fix what is broken in yourself and your relationship or own it and accept that you are a bad person.

Yet, it is complicated and not black-white. How easy it is for you to label someone as a bad mother, bad person, bad bla bla. Life is complicated and this is the fact I own.