Wife had Affair with Coworker

[Anonymous]

Oh, and don't be too quick to "forgive" ... and don't think you have to decide NOW if you want to stay married or not. You can say yes now, and no later. Or no now ... and yes later. You can change your mind!

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. Is she remorseful? How long did the affair go on? What caused you to suspect it?

It’s great that you are committed to keeping your family together but your wife should have some awareness that she could lose everything if she doesn’t get her s**t together; she needs to be as invested as you and take steps like finding another job ASAP.

You mentioned that she is “willing” to go to therapy with you but that sounds a bit passive to me; she needs to be proactive in taking the steps to repair things. The fact that you aren’t even thinking of a separation might cause her to feel more comfortable than she should.

Was (is) the affair also emotional? Was she ever co sudering lesving your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why he shouldn't reach out to the other spouse just to confirm with her that the affair is over. This isn't revenge.

OP, don't be so hasty in going to marriage therapy, take care of YOU first. Make sure you eat, drink, and get you time. Don't beg your wife to do anything. Don't smother her with love. It won't work. It is annoying. It will only drive your wife away.

If your wife has had an affair for a couple of years she has some work to do on herself.

Reminder, you are hurting (so is she). But don't try to fix everything at once. You can't. This is a long, slow process.

Thank you for that. I am in personal therapy and have been for awhile which has been helpful. It is difficult to take the long perspective when everything is so raw. It has been hard to catch my breath. Everyday life does not stop. Work, kids camps, laundry, groceries, tournaments...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why he shouldn't reach out to the other spouse just to confirm with her that the affair is over. This isn't revenge.

OP, don't be so hasty in going to marriage therapy, take care of YOU first. Make sure you eat, drink, and get you time. Don't beg your wife to do anything. Don't smother her with love. It won't work. It is annoying. It will only drive your wife away.

If your wife has had an affair for a couple of years she has some work to do on herself.

Reminder, you are hurting (so is she). But don't try to fix everything at once. You can't. This is a long, slow process.

Thank you for that. I am in personal therapy and have been for awhile which has been helpful. It is difficult to take the long perspective when everything is so raw. It has been hard to catch my breath. Everyday life does not stop. Work, kids camps, laundry, groceries, tournaments...

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. Is she remorseful? How long did the affair go on? What caused you to suspect it?

It’s great that you are committed to keeping your family together but your wife should have some awareness that she could lose everything if she doesn’t get her s**t together; she needs to be as invested as you and take steps like finding another job ASAP.

You mentioned that she is “willing” to go to therapy with you but that sounds a bit passive to me; she needs to be proactive in taking the steps to repair things. The fact that you aren’t even thinking of a separation might cause her to feel more comfortable than she should.

Was (is) the affair also emotional? Was she ever considering lesving your marriage?

[Anonymous]

OP go to surviving infidelity. A much better place to get advice on affairs.

I would tell the spouse. Not out of revenge but because I think people have a right to know.

[Anonymous]

Divorce. This will never work in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Reverse the sexes and people here would be calling the husband scum, and telling the wife to take him for everything. No one would be asking if she was a good wife, etc.

She’s a cheater, always will be. Have some dignity and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Is she remorseful? How long did the affair go on? What caused you to suspect it?

It’s great that you are committed to keeping your family together but your wife should have some awareness that she could lose everything if she doesn’t get her s**t together; she needs to be as invested as you and take steps like finding another job ASAP.

You mentioned that she is “willing” to go to therapy with you but that sounds a bit passive to me; she needs to be proactive in taking the steps to repair things. The fact that you aren’t even thinking of a separation might cause her to feel more comfortable than she should.

Was (is) the affair also emotional? Was she ever considering lesving your marriage?

Yes she seems remorseful. The connection was made 5 years ago but the relationship became inappropriate 3 years ago. I had suspected it for sometime (2 + years) based on gut instinct, relationship withdraw, lack of intimacy... Faced with my own insecurities and wanting to not rock the boat for the family I never went looking. Once I went looking, it was not hard to connect the dots.

Yes the affair was emotional. Yes she had considered leaving. I think the fact that the affair partner was/is also married complicated matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP go to surviving infidelity. A much better place to get advice on affairs.

I would tell the spouse. Not out of revenge but because I think people have a right to know.

Is that another thread on this site?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife needs to commit to finding another job ASAP. I might even ask her to quit today.

ITA. I don't think I could trust her to not continue the affair when they are in such close proximity.

Honestly, if I were to have an affair, and I was truly remorseful, I would distance myself from the AP. I would expect no less from my DH if he had the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reverse the sexes and people here would be calling the husband scum, and telling the wife to take him for everything. No one would be asking if she was a good wife, etc.

She’s a cheater, always will be. Have some dignity and leave.

As a woman, I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Is she remorseful? How long did the affair go on? What caused you to suspect it?

It’s great that you are committed to keeping your family together but your wife should have some awareness that she could lose everything if she doesn’t get her s**t together; she needs to be as invested as you and take steps like finding another job ASAP.

You mentioned that she is “willing” to go to therapy with you but that sounds a bit passive to me; she needs to be proactive in taking the steps to repair things. The fact that you aren’t even thinking of a separation might cause her to feel more comfortable than she should.

Was (is) the affair also emotional? Was she ever considering lesving your marriage?

Yes she seems remorseful. The connection was made 5 years ago but the relationship became inappropriate 3 years ago. I had suspected it for sometime (2 + years) based on gut instinct, relationship withdraw, lack of intimacy... Faced with my own insecurities and wanting to not rock the boat for the family I never went looking. Once I went looking, it was not hard to connect the dots.

Yes the affair was emotional. Yes she had considered leaving. I think the fact that the affair partner was/is also married complicated matters.

Oh the affair wasn’t even physical?? Ugh never mind. I think the emotional affair thing is so murky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. This will never work in the long run.

I am not there yet. I refuse to give up on my family and my wife. That does not mean that it is not a possibility in the future, just one I am hoping to avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Is she remorseful? How long did the affair go on? What caused you to suspect it?

It’s great that you are committed to keeping your family together but your wife should have some awareness that she could lose everything if she doesn’t get her s**t together; she needs to be as invested as you and take steps like finding another job ASAP.

You mentioned that she is “willing” to go to therapy with you but that sounds a bit passive to me; she needs to be proactive in taking the steps to repair things. The fact that you aren’t even thinking of a separation might cause her to feel more comfortable than she should.

Was (is) the affair also emotional? Was she ever considering lesving your marriage?

Yes she seems remorseful. The connection was made 5 years ago but the relationship became inappropriate 3 years ago. I had suspected it for sometime (2 + years) based on gut instinct, relationship withdraw, lack of intimacy... Faced with my own insecurities and wanting to not rock the boat for the family I never went looking. Once I went looking, it was not hard to connect the dots.

Yes the affair was emotional. Yes she had considered leaving. I think the fact that the affair partner was/is also married complicated matters.

Oh the affair wasn’t even physical?? Ugh never mind. I think the emotional affair thing is so murky.

It was physical too