An explanation and request from a mom of a kid with autism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several PP have advised OP take respite or seek therapy for herself. She won't or can't because in the middle of this type of episode, the person lacks insight that they are ill. I think she might have undiagnosed bipolar. Bipolar can develop when sustained stress or trauma cause the chemical imbalance others inherit genetically.

Op is annoying but so are you. You can't diagnose bipolar because someone's a jerk in the internet. Cool your shorts.

OP's mindset is way more than OP being a jerk.

Well bipolar has specific markers that you cannot glean from her posts. It's still not appropriate to armchair diagnose. It makes you look like an idiot.

[Anonymous]

OP, you keep bringing up "horrific adult behavior" and adults attacking your son and judging you, though you have not once provided a specific example of this. I'll be honest, I doubt the first is really happening if you're really there intervening. I do, however, think that you perceive people judging you, and rather than accept, "I'm doing what I feel is best. The other grown up doesn't understand, and what that other grown up thinks doesn't matter." To you, what the other grown ups think DOES matter. Rather than accept they don't get it and move on, you want to control what they THINK because you're threatened by it. And you'd only be threatened by it if, deep down, you had doubts about your decisions and behavior.

You're lashing out at these fictional adults that you've exaggerated in your head, but deep down you're struggling because you don't know if what you're doing is right or best. And it's not unusual. Raising SN kids is hard and if you're not seeing sufficient progress despite 6 days/week of therapy, then I don't blame you for having doubts. But that is not our fault. Deal with the actual issue, rather than being defensive and lashing out at people who don't have information and context just because they're easy targets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only parent you empathize with is YOURSELF.

and the whole "we can spot each other easily' when referring to other SN parents. Give me a break.
Haven't year heard the saying "If you know one child with Autism, you know ONE child with Autism".

SN mom of a DD with Autism.
You don't know us.

Thank you. OP you're the kind of parent who gives parents of kids with SN and autism a bad reputation.

Yes! I'm glad I know other parents of autistic children, and other SN.

OP do you have a group of parents you talk to? Maybe you need one.

Look up a blog by angeloftheisland.

I'll find you the link.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several PP have advised OP take respite or seek therapy for herself. She won't or can't because in the middle of this type of episode, the person lacks insight that they are ill. I think she might have undiagnosed bipolar. Bipolar can develop when sustained stress or trauma cause the chemical imbalance others inherit genetically.

Op is annoying but so are you. You can't diagnose bipolar because someone's a jerk in the internet. Cool your shorts.

OP's mindset is way more than OP being a jerk.

Well bipolar has specific markers that you cannot glean from her posts. It's still not appropriate to armchair diagnose. It makes you look like an idiot.

There are four types of bipolar and they don't all share the same markers.

[Anonymous]

Aside from the fact that you're choosing to take a child who growls, spits and pushes into a public area near other small children, which is appalling it itself, I think people are reacting really negatively to your "ignore once" approach.

I know you said that your therapist says to do it, and so you think it's justified, and by now you're probably desperate enough to believe anything, but that doesn't mean that parents at the playground will agree with you and be happy for you to "play" around their kids.

All kids, ESPECIALLY young and/or special needs, need consistency and follow through. That's how they learn. They don't reason things through. They just know that you can't do certain things. Even a dog or a rat can be conditioned to do or not do various things. But conditioning requires consistency.

If your child pushes in front of mine, especially in a dangerous way, and you stand by and say nothing... or if he "growls" at my toddler or baby and you say nothing... or if he spits at/on my child and you say nothing... even if it's part of some big grand plan of yours and you think that you'll probably deal with the behavior the next time it happens, I'm going to be angry.

I'm not a willing participant in your therapy games (that nobody even knows you're playing since we "don't deserve to know"). I'm not waiting around calmly for your kid to do it again before you do something about it.

And you getting angry at me getting angry isn't going to help your son.

[Anonymous]

OP this thread has gotten insane, so you may not even be reading anymore, but I am sure you're a good mom and I generally know what you mean. My kid is NT but has behavior issues, and even with that (VERY SMALL) glimpse into the SN world, I can see that some people walk around completely oblivious that every child isn't exactly like their own very easy child. Also, we all know that parents of babies are annoying and overprotective. We were all a little like that - likely biological, but nevertheless super annoying to those of us who are past that stage.

I would never say anything to another child unless they were doing something potentially dangerous, and even then I'd say it nicely. But I try hard to keep in mind that you never know whats going on in someone else's life, and I'll continue to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aside from the fact that you're choosing to take a child who growls, spits and pushes into a public area near other small children, which is appalling it itself, I think people are reacting really negatively to your "ignore once" approach.

I know you said that your therapist says to do it, and so you think it's justified, and by now you're probably desperate enough to believe anything, but that doesn't mean that parents at the playground will agree with you and be happy for you to "play" around their kids.

All kids, ESPECIALLY young and/or special needs, need consistency and follow through. That's how they learn. They don't reason things through. They just know that you can't do certain things. Even a dog or a rat can be conditioned to do or not do various things. But conditioning requires consistency.

If your child pushes in front of mine, especially in a dangerous way, and you stand by and say nothing... or if he "growls" at my toddler or baby and you say nothing... or if he spits at/on my child and you say nothing... even if it's part of some big grand plan of yours and you think that you'll probably deal with the behavior the next time it happens, I'm going to be angry.

I'm not a willing participant in your therapy games (that nobody even knows you're playing since we "don't deserve to know"). I'm not waiting around calmly for your kid to do it again before you do something about it.

And you getting angry at me getting angry isn't going to help your son.

This is the only post I am going to respond to, but your level of hysterics and hyperbole is just ridiculous. Honestly. This is so over dramatized, which is classic DCUM, but yeah, this is obviously not how it goes or we would probably be looking at anti-psychotic drugs, don't you think? Calm yourself down.

Also, desperate enough to believe anything? There really are times I wish this site was not anonymous. I am an extremely well-educated professional person, I have consulted numerous doctors and experts, and I am not "desperate" or stupid. I also have other children. Is this how you go around in real life, just casting wild aspersions and insults at anyone with different experiences and perspectives than you? That must go well.

We do ABA therapy, we have made enormous amounts of progress, and the behavior I was describing is actually a thing of the past - I was using it as examples of odd and difficult behaviors we have dealt with and extinguished using our crazy ol' plan from numerous trained experts.

I would never let my child hurt another child, and no, he does not spit at other children. he blows raspberries/makes a weird spitting noise when he is extremely agitated. I am not describing it further because what is the point, exactly? But, good idea. You go ahead and get angry at small children and their parents doing the best they can. That says infinitely more about you than it does about me or my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Several PP have advised OP take respite or seek therapy for herself. She won't or can't because in the middle of this type of episode, the person lacks insight that they are ill. I think she might have undiagnosed bipolar. Bipolar can develop when sustained stress or trauma cause the chemical imbalance others inherit genetically.

Op is annoying but so are you. You can't diagnose bipolar because someone's a jerk in the internet. Cool your shorts.

OP's mindset is way more than OP being a jerk.

Well bipolar has specific markers that you cannot glean from her posts. It's still not appropriate to armchair diagnose. It makes you look like an idiot.

There are four types of bipolar and they don't all share the same markers.

OH FFS. You people are just so inane. Take up a hobby. For all of our sakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aside from the fact that you're choosing to take a child who growls, spits and pushes into a public area near other small children, which is appalling it itself, I think people are reacting really negatively to your "ignore once" approach.

I know you said that your therapist says to do it, and so you think it's justified, and by now you're probably desperate enough to believe anything, but that doesn't mean that parents at the playground will agree with you and be happy for you to "play" around their kids.

All kids, ESPECIALLY young and/or special needs, need consistency and follow through. That's how they learn. They don't reason things through. They just know that you can't do certain things. Even a dog or a rat can be conditioned to do or not do various things. But conditioning requires consistency.

If your child pushes in front of mine, especially in a dangerous way, and you stand by and say nothing... or if he "growls" at my toddler or baby and you say nothing... or if he spits at/on my child and you say nothing... even if it's part of some big grand plan of yours and you think that you'll probably deal with the behavior the next time it happens, I'm going to be angry.

I'm not a willing participant in your therapy games (that nobody even knows you're playing since we "don't deserve to know"). I'm not waiting around calmly for your kid to do it again before you do something about it.

And you getting angry at me getting angry isn't going to help your son.

it's appalling to bring a child with autism into public? WOW. You lost me there, and nothing else you wrote has any credibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This is wild. So I have anger issues, my kid is much more severely autistic than I think, we shouldn't leave the house, I'm doing it all wrong and need therapy. This is why this is all so hard. It's not my kid and his different way of learning and being that is the real struggle it's knowing that he will have to face people like you his whole life. And I wasn't seeking your advice or your insults. I really don't care. I have been very successful and I personally and a huge rule follower and major people pleaser which has been a struggle to manage. But I do think those of you who are the most intolerant get some perspective. You may need to ask for it someday.

And yes parents of kids with special needs still say normal, btw. It's allowed. We do understand that some of our kids behaviors are abnormal and I'm not going to debate word choices.

OP, I get what you're are saying, totally. The general parent board is not welcoming to SN kids and their parents, as you can see. It's so telling that people think you shouldn't even leave the house. It's the worst advice, because a child who never gets out never learns to function.

Meanwhile, the typical kids are spitting, hitting, kicking, etc. and no one bats an eye.

I also think you are so right about challenges coming down the road for these higher-than-mighty, not my problem parents.

I'm sorry. I'm within on tolerance, compassion and understanding. However, any child that is spitting, hitting, kicking, etc, is never acceptable, nor would it be tolerated by me from my children, moreover, a strangers child. I'm not sure what kids you are encountering, but that's not OK, and I didn't read anyone saying it was on this thread thus far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This is wild. So I have anger issues, my kid is much more severely autistic than I think, we shouldn't leave the house, I'm doing it all wrong and need therapy. This is why this is all so hard. It's not my kid and his different way of learning and being that is the real struggle it's knowing that he will have to face people like you his whole life. And I wasn't seeking your advice or your insults. I really don't care. I have been very successful and I personally and a huge rule follower and major people pleaser which has been a struggle to manage. But I do think those of you who are the most intolerant get some perspective. You may need to ask for it someday.

And yes parents of kids with special needs still say normal, btw. It's allowed. We do understand that some of our kids behaviors are abnormal and I'm not going to debate word choices.

OP, I get what you're are saying, totally. The general parent board is not welcoming to SN kids and their parents, as you can see. It's so telling that people think you shouldn't even leave the house. It's the worst advice, because a child who never gets out never learns to function.

Meanwhile, the typical kids are spitting, hitting, kicking, etc. and no one bats an eye.

I also think you are so right about challenges coming down the road for these higher-than-mighty, not my problem parents.

That should read: "I'm with you...."


I'm sorry. I'm within on tolerance, compassion and understanding. However, any child that is spitting, hitting, kicking, etc, is never acceptable, nor would it be tolerated by me from my children, moreover, a strangers child. I'm not sure what kids you are encountering, but that's not OK, and I didn't read anyone saying it was on this thread thus far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aside from the fact that you're choosing to take a child who growls, spits and pushes into a public area near other small children, which is appalling it itself, I think people are reacting really negatively to your "ignore once" approach.

I know you said that your therapist says to do it, and so you think it's justified, and by now you're probably desperate enough to believe anything, but that doesn't mean that parents at the playground will agree with you and be happy for you to "play" around their kids.

All kids, ESPECIALLY young and/or special needs, need consistency and follow through. That's how they learn. They don't reason things through. They just know that you can't do certain things. Even a dog or a rat can be conditioned to do or not do various things. But conditioning requires consistency.

If your child pushes in front of mine, especially in a dangerous way, and you stand by and say nothing... or if he "growls" at my toddler or baby and you say nothing... or if he spits at/on my child and you say nothing... even if it's part of some big grand plan of yours and you think that you'll probably deal with the behavior the next time it happens, I'm going to be angry.

I'm not a willing participant in your therapy games (that nobody even knows you're playing since we "don't deserve to know"). I'm not waiting around calmly for your kid to do it again before you do something about it.

And you getting angry at me getting angry isn't going to help your son.

This is the only post I am going to respond to, but your level of hysterics and hyperbole is just ridiculous. Honestly. This is so over dramatized, which is classic DCUM, but yeah, this is obviously not how it goes or we would probably be looking at anti-psychotic drugs, don't you think? Calm yourself down.

Also, desperate enough to believe anything? There really are times I wish this site was not anonymous. I am an extremely well-educated professional person, I have consulted numerous doctors and experts, and I am not "desperate" or stupid. I also have other children. Is this how you go around in real life, just casting wild aspersions and insults at anyone with different experiences and perspectives than you? That must go well.

We do ABA therapy, we have made enormous amounts of progress, and the behavior I was describing is actually a thing of the past - I was using it as examples of odd and difficult behaviors we have dealt with and extinguished using our crazy ol' plan from numerous trained experts.

I would never let my child hurt another child, and no, he does not spit at other children. he blows raspberries/makes a weird spitting noise when he is extremely agitated. I am not describing it further because what is the point, exactly? But, good idea. You go ahead and get angry at small children and their parents doing the best they can. That says infinitely more about you than it does about me or my child.

Pot, meet kettle.

[Anonymous]

OP is too proud to admit she started the fight (and fanned the flames) on this thread.

Let the thread die.

If she's the educated professional that she claims to be, there's a chance that everything will sink in offline and that she'll change her attitude in real life.

But you won't get anything out of her here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP is too proud to admit she started the fight (and fanned the flames) on this thread.

Let the thread die.

If she's the educated professional that she claims to be, there's a chance that everything will sink in offline and that she'll change her attitude in real life.

But you won't get anything out of her here.

No, you won't, and no, I do not think that anything that would make anyone change their mind has been stated on here. Instead, there have been nonstop logical fallacies - "I will not let your child hit mine!" "Your child does not deserve special treatment!" "You have no idea how to parent or manage behavior!" "You are letting your child hurt others and just standing there!" again and again and again. Given that such a scenario is simply not in dispute - I literally never ever said I would do that, that all came from wild assumptions - what on earth would I change my opinion about there?

I do think many, many parents in this area particularly go about congratulating themselves for their childrens' behavior and think they are handling it so well that it has produced model citizens, and are thus extremely quick to judge children who do not behave in neurotypical ways. I do think you should all pause when you see a kid clearly struggling and wonder why, and gauge whether or not 1. it really impacts you or your child. If not, move along. 2. exercise some compassion. If a parent in trying to deal with it as best they can, and you have the ability to quickly help,even if it takes a couple minutes - maybe at some point you could do so. Also, I do think you should stop taking babies in preschool areas and stop taking all your best toys to the park, and I give zero f&cks if you disagree with me on those points. Those are basic good manners and would avoid thousands of the struggles many parents with kids with any type of behavior issue endure.

[Anonymous]

Also - quick explanation how "planned ignoring" actually works and what we did.

If my child spat/made a weird raspberry noise at me (he has oral motor issues so it is not what you are thinking re spitting in the normal definition use) - and it is clearly to get a negative reaction (a big part of this for parents is figuring out the functional use of behavior, and I certainly do not expect outsiders to understand or intuit that, at all) - I ignore. If he does it again, we leave.

If he pushed, we left. If he did not take a turn, we physically removed him to do so, gave him one more chance - if he did not do it, we left.

Basically, we handled it the way all you *awesome* parents do, it just yields results sloooooooowly with neurologically impaired children. So we have to rinse and repeat thousands of times.

The things he needs a chance to learn are much more subtle and nuanced and hard to describe, but basically reading social cues, not being annoying or following a kid he takes a shine to, etc.