About to Jump Off a Ledge Over Upcoming MIL Visit, Please Talk Me Down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure she needs to set firm boundaries --- and hasn't in decades. Hope she does.
If she's too chicken, she can: plan a trip, stay somewhere else, spend most of the day away.
She's not even willing to do that - of anything.

Agree. I don’t get why people come on here and ask for advice when they refuse to take any course of action.

OP likes being a martyr and making posts like this and having people feel sorry for her.
Sorry for what though? For being a lazy timid person who won’t stand up for their own health or their child’s? Why should this self inflicted suffering be put on a pedestal?

I'm OP - why post in a thread you don't approve of? I said at the outset I was wondering only if anyone shared this type of MIL and I'm thrilled that at least one person knows exactly what I mean. It's a free message board with no rule that requires one come seeking only advice, so unless you have recently been made forum police, you are free to move on and not read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure she needs to set firm boundaries --- and hasn't in decades. Hope she does.
If she's too chicken, she can: plan a trip, stay somewhere else, spend most of the day away.
She's not even willing to do that - of anything.

Agree. I don’t get why people come on here and ask for advice when they refuse to take any course of action.

OP likes being a martyr and making posts like this and having people feel sorry for her.
Sorry for what though? For being a lazy timid person who won’t stand up for their own health or their child’s? Why should this self inflicted suffering be put on a pedestal?

I'm OP - why post in a thread you don't approve of? I said at the outset I was wondering only if anyone shared this type of MIL and I'm thrilled that at least one person knows exactly what I mean. It's a free message board with no rule that requires one come seeking only advice, so unless you have recently been made forum police, you are free to move on and not read.

So you just wanted to find someone who wouldn't tell you the truth? Ok. Enjoy your MIL. - NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar MIL (and DH). I spend a lot of time in my room when MiL is visiting (she thinks I am a lazy being who goes to bed early and gets up late). I lock my door when I am in my room (and tell my kids to knock and I’ll let them in). I ignore as much as I can but yes I am seething at the end of day 1 much less the entire 2 week visit. Mine doesnt drive so she is dependent on me/us to pick up foods etc so I dont buy foods she cooks other than for a couple of nights of her visit. I commiserate, OP.

Why don’t you stand up to your MIL?

People who make these kinds of comments probably have not had the joy of dealing with these types of women.

So your response is, "it's just too difficult?" OK, cower in your room. Just pathetic.

I’ve had more than 25 years of dealing with this. MIL is pushy, demanding and controlling. She gaslights or goes on the offensive when one calls her out on her behavior. That often turns into ugly arguments and stress for everyone including my kids. So yes, I do prefer to take time for myself in an area of the house that MIL can’t enter versus exposing my kids and myself to that environment.

The option I could take is to divorce DH, because as much as he, too, isn’t happy when his mother is around, he like everyone around her was raised to give in to her demands. But I have no reason to want to do that other than these MIL visits. I’d rather spend that time dealing in a way that lets me not get so triggered, doesn’t expose my kids to ugly behavior, and keeps my marriage intact.

In my professional life I’m an assertive litigator. In my personal life I’m an equal partner and strong parental figure. My MIL would wear down anyone, and it is easy to judge from the outside (especially if you don’t have people like her in your life).

When I first met my MIL, I believed that her odd behavior was because of cultural differences. Some twenty five years later, I now understand that she has borderline personality disorder and that the things she says and does are considered bizarre even within her own culture. One facet of borderline personality is that they LOVE a big, messy, dramatic confrontation and unfortunately standing up to such people just gives them one. I am going to be visiting my MIL shortly for her big birthday celebration (turning 80). I fully anticipate that she will say cruel things to me and that I will have the choice of responding and defending myself and getting a big, ugly messy confrtation which she would enjoy immensely, or taking the criticism. I have been thinking about a new technique, in which she says cruel, hurtful things and I say something like "I'm worried about you. Sometimes elderly people say really inappropriate things. Have you been examined by a doctor recently?" Maybe OP could try something like that, implying that the bizarre behaior is due to dementia or something like that. "Moving the furniture in someone else's house? Maybe she doesn't know where she is is." "MIL, you are NOT at YOUR HOME. Do you know what day it is? Who is the president?" That could be fun!

OP here. A lot of MIL's ideas come from her culture, but even among her family she is considered difficult, and some of them even say she's "crazy." I don't know her culture well, but I think she is trying to enforce cultural norms which are outdated even in her country. You are spot on about the big ugly confrontations. That does not work to my advantage, since that makes her quite happy and she would never back down. I tried it early in our relationship. The result was that I actually left DH for a short time, before we had children, and only came back after he promised his mother would never come to stay with us again. He kept the promise up until recently. However, she's not very elderly (oh, how I wish she were), and her poor English means any comment I make has to be repeated and explained six times, and she still doesn't get it, so subtle insults have little effect.

Sounds like it's time to pack your bags again. This time for good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've stopped waiting for DH to prioritize my needs re his family and instead just take control now and don't feel guilty if there are hurt feelings in the process

I'd call her up and say "i'm sorry DH said it was good to visit again, but its not a good time for us and we will need to reschedule. there is too much going on and it'd be overwhelming to have another visit right now. one week in july would work great though but we have to cancel now"

she can be upset, who cares. dh can be upset but he brought it upon himself

I'd bet a million oreos that mil will not hear one word of this and will be on a plane even sooner.

OP here, yes, this is true. There is a language issue (which I sometimes think is deliberate), and a general inability to communicate like a normal human, plus the fact that she doesn't even tell us when she's coming sometimes. She's here now, which came as a total shock to me, as I was upset about the prospect of her arriving a few weeks from now. But....knock knock, guess who's back, a flutter of the hands and something about snow, and even DH looked somewhat crestfallen to see her. I'm heading to my mom's for a couple days right now. I flat out lied and said she's sick and needs me.

[Anonymous]

Grow some balls OP because it's clear that MIL owns your husband's. I can't imagine being wed to a eunuch. You have allowed this for years. Your dh needs to decide, it's you or his mom. He can't have both. But you've been a doormat for so long that your husband isn't going to do anything unless you go nuclear. You need a spine to do that. I hope that you are in personal counseling because something in your past is keeping you from asserting and holding 100% appropriate boundaries. This is way over the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grow some balls OP because it's clear that MIL owns your husband's. I can't imagine being wed to a eunuch. You have allowed this for years. Your dh needs to decide, it's you or his mom. He can't have both. But you've been a doormat for so long that your husband isn't going to do anything unless you go nuclear. You need a spine to do that. I hope that you are in personal counseling because something in your past is keeping you from asserting and holding 100% appropriate boundaries. This is way over the line.

DP, not OP. But honestly you clearly have no experience with people of OP’s MIL’s personality, mentality and maybe culture. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a spine. She could soeak up every time and this wouldn’t change her MIL’s behavior.

Didn’t you read above, the MIL just showed up without warning (mine does the same as she flits among her various kids and friends on her months long stay in the U.S. it is maddening). What could OP do, lock the door and not allow her MIL entry? Some posters will probably say that is what they’d do, but that is easy to say, ridiculously hard and cruel to do in reality.

Or some posters will say they’d let in the MIL but tell her she needs to leave in 3 days or such. I can predict OP’s MIL just wouldn’t observe it. Again, what should OP do - manhandle MIL out the door after 3 days? Come on.

Glibe replies like, “I just wouldn’t allow this” show zero understanding of OP’s situation.

OP, good for you for heading out for a few days.

[Anonymous]

I have an overbearing MIL. When she visits, I basically hide in my room to avoid her. The last few times she visited, I went nuclear on DH after she left. I was mad at him for weeks. I told DH that if she visits, he must take time off and entertain her and he cannot stay here with me and the kids while he is at work. I also said that she should visit his brother next. BIL just moved close to us and bought a new home with extra bedrooms. It has now been over a year since MIL visited. DH has gone up to visit his mother twice.

I was ready to divorce DH over this. I wanted to go to counseling. We have talked about this at nauseam. DH has acknowledged his mother is difficult. He also acknowledged that his own brother doesn’t want to deal with his mom, which is why he doesn’t want to host her either. He acknowledges how unfair and why I would be upset being stuck with his mom who both he and his brother also don’t want to be around. I feel heard.

[Anonymous]

DP again but the other piece I’ll add to these situations is that they creep up on you. When you meet your potential spouse, you may nit know your ILs so well and/or they may be on “best behavior.” So after a year or so your MIL seems pushy but you can handle it. It gets gradually worse, imo partly bc MIL ages, bc grandkids enter the picture, bc over time MIL feels it less necessary to “make nice” with her DIL. So it’s not like those of us in this situation would have predicted it when we decided to marry our spouses (whom we love, btw! I don’t blame my husband for his crazy mother, in fact I feel sorry for him that he was raised by her. yes I still think he could stand up to her more but note all I said above, when he does she just ignores him or causes drama filled situations.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've stopped waiting for DH to prioritize my needs re his family and instead just take control now and don't feel guilty if there are hurt feelings in the process

I'd call her up and say "i'm sorry DH said it was good to visit again, but its not a good time for us and we will need to reschedule. there is too much going on and it'd be overwhelming to have another visit right now. one week in july would work great though but we have to cancel now"

she can be upset, who cares. dh can be upset but he brought it upon himself

I'd bet a million oreos that mil will not hear one word of this and will be on a plane even sooner.

OP here, yes, this is true. There is a language issue (which I sometimes think is deliberate), and a general inability to communicate like a normal human, plus the fact that she doesn't even tell us when she's coming sometimes. She's here now, which came as a total shock to me, as I was upset about the prospect of her arriving a few weeks from now. But....knock knock, guess who's back, a flutter of the hands and something about snow, and even DH looked somewhat crestfallen to see her. I'm heading to my mom's for a couple days right now. I flat out lied and said she's sick and needs me.

The passive aggressiveness is making you feel like a victim. You posted little stuff you also do on page 1.

Just tell them you need privacy or a respite, so you’re going to your mom’s. No need to lie. Tell her stuff every time like pp’s suggested, instead of doing things to undermine her that probably only backfire if they lead her to redouble her efforts because you’re incapable.

At the very least it will get you out of victim mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure she needs to set firm boundaries --- and hasn't in decades. Hope she does.
If she's too chicken, she can: plan a trip, stay somewhere else, spend most of the day away.
She's not even willing to do that - of anything.

Agree. I don’t get why people come on here and ask for advice when they refuse to take any course of action.

OP likes being a martyr and making posts like this and having people feel sorry for her.
Sorry for what though? For being a lazy timid person who won’t stand up for their own health or their child’s? Why should this self inflicted suffering be put on a pedestal?

I'm OP - why post in a thread you don't approve of? I said at the outset I was wondering only if anyone shared this type of MIL and I'm thrilled that at least one person knows exactly what I mean. It's a free message board with no rule that requires one come seeking only advice, so unless you have recently been made forum police, you are free to move on and not read.

I'm starting to think you're a troll actually.

The OP said MIL was arriving in 3 weeks, now all of a sudden she's here and rearranging furniture?

You could use some of this anger to actually talk to your husband and MIL (if theyre even real). But no, keep posting and trying to garner sympathy while your self inflicted ulcer wreaks havoc. Good luck to your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure she needs to set firm boundaries --- and hasn't in decades. Hope she does.
If she's too chicken, she can: plan a trip, stay somewhere else, spend most of the day away.
She's not even willing to do that - of anything.

Agree. I don’t get why people come on here and ask for advice when they refuse to take any course of action.

OP likes being a martyr and making posts like this and having people feel sorry for her.
Sorry for what though? For being a lazy timid person who won’t stand up for their own health or their child’s? Why should this self inflicted suffering be put on a pedestal?

I'm OP - why post in a thread you don't approve of? I said at the outset I was wondering only if anyone shared this type of MIL and I'm thrilled that at least one person knows exactly what I mean. It's a free message board with no rule that requires one come seeking only advice, so unless you have recently been made forum police, you are free to move on and not read.

So you just wanted to find someone who wouldn't tell you the truth? Ok. Enjoy your MIL. - NP

+1
"I'm thrilled to find out other people are as timid and insecure as me! Yay go us!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've stopped waiting for DH to prioritize my needs re his family and instead just take control now and don't feel guilty if there are hurt feelings in the process

I'd call her up and say "i'm sorry DH said it was good to visit again, but its not a good time for us and we will need to reschedule. there is too much going on and it'd be overwhelming to have another visit right now. one week in july would work great though but we have to cancel now"

she can be upset, who cares. dh can be upset but he brought it upon himself

I'd bet a million oreos that mil will not hear one word of this and will be on a plane even sooner.

OP here, yes, this is true. There is a language issue (which I sometimes think is deliberate), and a general inability to communicate like a normal human, plus the fact that she doesn't even tell us when she's coming sometimes. She's here now, which came as a total shock to me, as I was upset about the prospect of her arriving a few weeks from now. But....knock knock, guess who's back, a flutter of the hands and something about snow, and even DH looked somewhat crestfallen to see her. I'm heading to my mom's for a couple days right now. I flat out lied and said she's sick and needs me.

So instead of telling your husband how upset you are, you lied to him.
Instead of standing up for yourself, you lied to him.
Instead of accomplishing anything of value, you lied.

This would have been a really great conversation jumping off point with you and DH.

If it's even real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL. When she visits, I basically hide in my room to avoid her. The last few times she visited, I went nuclear on DH after she left. I was mad at him for weeks. I told DH that if she visits, he must take time off and entertain her and he cannot stay here with me and the kids while he is at work. I also said that she should visit his brother next. BIL just moved close to us and bought a new home with extra bedrooms. It has now been over a year since MIL visited. DH has gone up to visit his mother twice.

I was ready to divorce DH over this. I wanted to go to counseling. We have talked about this at nauseam. DH has acknowledged his mother is difficult. He also acknowledged that his own brother doesn’t want to deal with his mom, which is why he doesn’t want to host her either. He acknowledges how unfair and why I would be upset being stuck with his mom who both he and his brother also don’t want to be around. I feel heard.

Sounds like a great outcome! Too bad it had to come to a screaming match before he finally smartened up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've stopped waiting for DH to prioritize my needs re his family and instead just take control now and don't feel guilty if there are hurt feelings in the process

I'd call her up and say "i'm sorry DH said it was good to visit again, but its not a good time for us and we will need to reschedule. there is too much going on and it'd be overwhelming to have another visit right now. one week in july would work great though but we have to cancel now"

she can be upset, who cares. dh can be upset but he brought it upon himself

I'd bet a million oreos that mil will not hear one word of this and will be on a plane even sooner.

OP here, yes, this is true. There is a language issue (which I sometimes think is deliberate), and a general inability to communicate like a normal human, plus the fact that she doesn't even tell us when she's coming sometimes. She's here now, which came as a total shock to me, as I was upset about the prospect of her arriving a few weeks from now. But....knock knock, guess who's back, a flutter of the hands and something about snow, and even DH looked somewhat crestfallen to see her. I'm heading to my mom's for a couple days right now. I flat out lied and said she's sick and needs me.

The passive aggressiveness is making you feel like a victim. You posted little stuff you also do on page 1.

Just tell them you need privacy or a respite, so you’re going to your mom’s. No need to lie. Tell her stuff every time like pp’s suggested, instead of doing things to undermine her that probably only backfire if they lead her to redouble her efforts because you’re incapable.

At the very least it will get you out of victim mode.

OP loves victim mode.
Some people just like to play the martyr. Pretty obvious OP is one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL. When she visits, I basically hide in my room to avoid her. The last few times she visited, I went nuclear on DH after she left. I was mad at him for weeks. I told DH that if she visits, he must take time off and entertain her and he cannot stay here with me and the kids while he is at work. I also said that she should visit his brother next. BIL just moved close to us and bought a new home with extra bedrooms. It has now been over a year since MIL visited. DH has gone up to visit his mother twice.

I was ready to divorce DH over this. I wanted to go to counseling. We have talked about this at nauseam. DH has acknowledged his mother is difficult. He also acknowledged that his own brother doesn’t want to deal with his mom, which is why he doesn’t want to host her either. He acknowledges how unfair and why I would be upset being stuck with his mom who both he and his brother also don’t want to be around. I feel heard.

Sounds like a great outcome! Too bad it had to come to a screaming match before he finally smartened up.

Oh it is still a point of contention. He literally just mentioned a few days ago how his mother is not allowed to visit. I reminded him that his brother can host her and she can visit or she can visit when DH can host his mother. DH and BIL talked about how BIL can host his mom next over a year ago. BIL agreed but he obviously doesn’t want to.