About to Jump Off a Ledge Over Upcoming MIL Visit, Please Talk Me Down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband no. It's unreasonable. You shouldn't have to live like that. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.

She did. 25 years ago or recently. 🤔

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you book a local Airbnb for you and your child for the duration of her visit?

So instead of staying IN HER OWN HOUSE, OP should pay thousands of dollars to stay somewhere else? Tell her husband and his mom to go get an Air BnB.

+1. That's running away.

It is. But if the DH won’t bend, that’s what she has to do.

[Anonymous]

The marriage counselling talk time with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL and thankfully by husband does stand up to her. But she still visits but I’m not afraid to stand up for myself and get loud toward her. I personally would start the argument with my husband bc he needs to defend you or at least make sure MIL doesn’t mess with your stuff. That’s just basic manners and respect. And I would be afraid to
start an argument with my MIL in front of my family. But that’s just me.

Meant to say wouldn’t* be afraid to start an argument - sorry for the typo! I was livid for you reading your post and responding too quickly!

This is how I feel too. Why is everyone so afraid of their MILs? You marry into a family. I wouldn't tolerate this shit from my mom, why would I tolerate it from my partners mom?

I hear you and it took me too long to understand this. The MIL thinks she is entitled to act however she wants and relies on the hierarchy of respect and etiquette she thinks the DIL will follow. Most of us are polite and keep putting up with it because she is an elder and due some leeway. MILs know all this.

Hah perhaps that's my issue!
I'm polite until someone is not polite to me. I would not be polite in these situations, and would never have gotten to this point. But I posted a while back that I'm totally fine being the bad guy. I dont care if MIL wants to bitch to friends and family. I'd care even less so after OPs updates saying that everyone knows MIL is bat sht crazy.

[Anonymous]

I’d love for someone to come and do my laundry for me and spend 8!hours a day cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d love for someone to come and do my laundry for me and spend 8!hours a day cooking.

How about rearranging your furniture and decor and nonstop commentary and criticism, for weeks? You don't get cherry-pick your favorites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d love for someone to come and do my laundry for me and spend 8!hours a day cooking.

It really doesn't matter what you'd love. That part is irrelevant because the MIL knows the DIL doesn't want this but does it anyway, because it's her son so she thinks she has the permanent right to take over. I told my DH - feel free to go live with his mother anytime.

WHen my MIL folds my towels, she puts them all upstairs in a closet, even thought they don't all go there. Then, she doesn't fold, she just kind of lops them over and its a big pile of towels. I have delicate laundry - she just throws it all in with the towels and turns on the washing machine- no sorting. Uses a fork on non-stick cookware, stores other pans on top of non-stick cookware. Puts sheets on with the part that's supposed to face outside on the inside because she thinks it's softer, places toilet paper with paper under. Cleans my wood furniture with vinegar!

It's called respecting a person's right to run their own household.

[Anonymous]

Wait OP are you the one w the MIL who rearranged the entire kitchen while you were out? I remember reading that thread around the end of last year. Do you stand to inherit a ton from her/that side of the family that you very much need or something? If not….SNIP. DON’T show your kids that you will accept this kind of disrespect and screaming. It’s abuse. Don’t normalize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d love for someone to come and do my laundry for me and spend 8!hours a day cooking.

How about rearranging your furniture and decor and nonstop commentary and criticism, for weeks? You don't get cherry-pick your favorites.

You can rerearrange furniture and think of her as a insane person babbling, keep your earpods on. 🙃

[Anonymous]

This is insanity. Your MIL fully plans on living with you one day. You clearly can’t say no, so that is probably what will end up happening.

You should do both of these. Not one or the other. Both.

1. Go see a lawyer. I rarely advocate divorce, but I am an introvert and I have had someone live in my house who made me uncomfortable and I pretty much crawled out of my skin it was so horrible. Find out what your financial situation would be if you left. Find out your custody situation.

2. Tell your husband no to the visit. Tell your MIL no to the visit. Use your words. Text it, say it, announce it to the world. If your husband will not respect you and your house and your MIL still comes, get an extended stay hotel/apartment and move you and your children there for the entire stay.

You have been too nice and accommodating to your husband and your MIL for way too long. You deserve way better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL and thankfully by husband does stand up to her. But she still visits but I’m not afraid to stand up for myself and get loud toward her. I personally would start the argument with my husband bc he needs to defend you or at least make sure MIL doesn’t mess with your stuff. That’s just basic manners and respect. And I would be afraid to
start an argument with my MIL in front of my family. But that’s just me.

Meant to say wouldn’t* be afraid to start an argument - sorry for the typo! I was livid for you reading your post and responding too quickly!

This is how I feel too. Why is everyone so afraid of their MILs? You marry into a family. I wouldn't tolerate this shit from my mom, why would I tolerate it from my partners mom?

I’m the PP who said I often retreat to my room during my MILs visits. Do you really think I have never argued or stood up to my MiL in over 25 yrs?? When I was younger that is always how I reacted - it would amount to a huge blow up and upset everyone around us, and 5 minutes later she’d be back to the exact - same - behavior. She never changes, she gaslights and involves everyone else in the drama, and she thrives on all of this. My MiL is clinically mentally ill - narcissist maybe? I am no psychologist.

The older my kids got, the more I realized I do not want to model that constantly fighting behavior for them. Neither I nor they view my bedroom retreats as “cowering,” but they did view my screaming matches with their grandmother with tears especially since MiL lives for drama and always, always drags them and my spouse into any disagreement and puts them in the middle.

I treat MiL like the child she is. As I now have teens, I can say that sometimes when they are acting irrational, it is best to step away rather than engage. That is exactly
how I deal with my MiL.

Again, unless you have someone like this in your life, you do not get it. I never would have until I married into it.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have a really insufferable relative who would like to crash at your house during the same dates as MIL’s visit? Maybe they could keep each other entertained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d love for someone to come and do my laundry for me and spend 8!hours a day cooking.

It really doesn't matter what you'd love. That part is irrelevant because the MIL knows the DIL doesn't want this but does it anyway, because it's her son so she thinks she has the permanent right to take over. I told my DH - feel free to go live with his mother anytime.

WHen my MIL folds my towels, she puts them all upstairs in a closet, even thought they don't all go there. Then, she doesn't fold, she just kind of lops them over and its a big pile of towels. I have delicate laundry - she just throws it all in with the towels and turns on the washing machine- no sorting. Uses a fork on non-stick cookware, stores other pans on top of non-stick cookware. Puts sheets on with the part that's supposed to face outside on the inside because she thinks it's softer, places toilet paper with paper under. Cleans my wood furniture with vinegar!

It's called respecting a person's right to run their own household.

To PP, this is OP, and our MILs must be sisters or something. Right down to the vinegar! Everytime she leaves, first thing I have to do is buy all new nonstick cookware, and scrub everything to try to get the vinegar smell out. She even dumped out some of my bottles of cleaner and refilled them with vinegar, so yesterday I tried to clean something and ended up spraying vinegar all over it before I realized.

I just came downstairs this morning to find an armchair pulled from one room into another and carefully arranged so that it actually blocks the back door, and a large red and blue patterned throw rug - which she must have bought yesterday - has been placed on the floor of my previously minimalist monochrome room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL and thankfully by husband does stand up to her. But she still visits but I’m not afraid to stand up for myself and get loud toward her. I personally would start the argument with my husband bc he needs to defend you or at least make sure MIL doesn’t mess with your stuff. That’s just basic manners and respect. And I would be afraid to
start an argument with my MIL in front of my family. But that’s just me.

Meant to say wouldn’t* be afraid to start an argument - sorry for the typo! I was livid for you reading your post and responding too quickly!

This is how I feel too. Why is everyone so afraid of their MILs? You marry into a family. I wouldn't tolerate this shit from my mom, why would I tolerate it from my partners mom?

I’m the PP who said I often retreat to my room during my MILs visits. Do you really think I have never argued or stood up to my MiL in over 25 yrs?? When I was younger that is always how I reacted - it would amount to a huge blow up and upset everyone around us, and 5 minutes later she’d be back to the exact - same - behavior. She never changes, she gaslights and involves everyone else in the drama, and she thrives on all of this. My MiL is clinically mentally ill - narcissist maybe? I am no psychologist.

The older my kids got, the more I realized I do not want to model that constantly fighting behavior for them. Neither I nor they view my bedroom retreats as “cowering,” but they did view my screaming matches with their grandmother with tears especially since MiL lives for drama and always, always drags them and my spouse into any disagreement and puts them in the middle.

I treat MiL like the child she is. As I now have teens, I can say that sometimes when they are acting irrational, it is best to step away rather than engage. That is exactly
how I deal with my MiL.

Again, unless you have someone like this in your life, you do not get it. I never would have until I married into it.

OP here - I too have tried every possible strategy and in the end had to choose between ending the marriage or continuing the struggle. At this point, I mostly just want to get some limits back on the visits. It messes with my mental stability that she shows up with no notice, and I never know when she is leaving, or when she will be back. She lives overseas, but spends months to years at a time here, using us as a kind of free base hotel. I can't even get a straight answer from her when I ask outright what her plans are. Part of that is language, but part seems to be that she actually doesn't plan anything and just nomads about with her latest whim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL and thankfully by husband does stand up to her. But she still visits but I’m not afraid to stand up for myself and get loud toward her. I personally would start the argument with my husband bc he needs to defend you or at least make sure MIL doesn’t mess with your stuff. That’s just basic manners and respect. And I would be afraid to
start an argument with my MIL in front of my family. But that’s just me.

Meant to say wouldn’t* be afraid to start an argument - sorry for the typo! I was livid for you reading your post and responding too quickly!

This is how I feel too. Why is everyone so afraid of their MILs? You marry into a family. I wouldn't tolerate this shit from my mom, why would I tolerate it from my partners mom?

I’m the PP who said I often retreat to my room during my MILs visits. Do you really think I have never argued or stood up to my MiL in over 25 yrs?? When I was younger that is always how I reacted - it would amount to a huge blow up and upset everyone around us, and 5 minutes later she’d be back to the exact - same - behavior. She never changes, she gaslights and involves everyone else in the drama, and she thrives on all of this. My MiL is clinically mentally ill - narcissist maybe? I am no psychologist.

The older my kids got, the more I realized I do not want to model that constantly fighting behavior for them. Neither I nor they view my bedroom retreats as “cowering,” but they did view my screaming matches with their grandmother with tears especially since MiL lives for drama and always, always drags them and my spouse into any disagreement and puts them in the middle.

I treat MiL like the child she is. As I now have teens, I can say that sometimes when they are acting irrational, it is best to step away rather than engage. That is exactly
how I deal with my MiL.

Again, unless you have someone like this in your life, you do not get it. I never would have until I married into it.

I have had the exact experience with my MIL and yes, gray rock is the only way to go with people like this! I didn’t know anyone who was such extreme narcissist before meeting MIL so I learned this the hard way too.