About to Jump Off a Ledge Over Upcoming MIL Visit, Please Talk Me Down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I asked a few days back why your husband reneged on his promise that she couldn’t stay with you. You never responded. Can you answer why?

Your MIL sounds mentally ill and the real issue here is that your husband is sacrificing the well being of your family habit to accommodate her.

I’m starting to think this isn’t real.

Sure, I can answer, kind of. He didn't renege so much as it just kind of eroded over the years. She got a lot nicer after we had children, at least when they were small, so I guess I let down my guard a little. Then a few years ago she retired and began traveling a lot more. That was really when it took a turn for the worse.

Pp who asked the question. You really do need to have a talk with your husband. This is no way to live. It’s extremely disruptive to your children and your family life, terrible for your marriage, and clearly wreaking havoc on your mental health. I’m sympathetic to you but if you were my friend or my sister, I’d be sitting you down and telling you the same thing. Putting your foot down is hard, dealing with this for years and years will be harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a poster who has posted commisserating with OP and my MIL is German not South Asian

I'm OP and my MIL is neither German nor South Asian. Poor South Asians, they always seem to get the blame on this forum!

Is MIL Italian?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you can’t just tell your husband no.

Because this is some weird cultural problem that the rest of us can't help with.

I'm Pakistani and my MIL is an annoying PIA who would have loved for me to die in childbirth so she could move in. My husband also LOVES being lazy around her. honestly, 3 weeks n and 3 weeks off is insane and that DH doesnt make it up to you by being nicer behind the scenes or taking stuff off your plate is miserable.

So- you get a local airbnb and move there with your tween. This is going to cause a ruckus so be prepared for it- my mom would be calling me and my aunt and blah blah but it's worth it. Your husband who is the person who brings this interloper into your home needs to make a choice and the sooner the better for you. we are all taught to be scared of the gossiping aunties but you know- this is America, they dont have any influence over anything. Not our kids rishtas, or college placement or career prospects, or how the land/jewelry/heirlooms will be divided up. None of the stuff that made family gossip so dangerous and impactful for generations has any thing to do with how we live life here. And also this isn't even that bad- hetero couple having issues is a nothing. burger compared to the stuff that goes on now, you didnt run away with your lesbian love or anything! so just pack your bags and leave, WITH the tween. he's your kid.

Your first line made me laugh! I'm pretty sure my MIL feels the same way, although I'm too old for childbirth now and she's probably just hoping for cancer or a car crash. But let me tell you, these MIL's are sneaky! I did as you suggested once, and it worked for a long time, but then the MIL came up with a sneaky move. She sold her house - without warning - and showed up on our doorstep, claiming she has nowhere to live. So then DH felt like he was kicking her out onto the street if we didn't let her in. So after months I finally convinced him that she had to go to an apartment, and she did. But a year later, she moved out of that and showed up again, claiming rent was too high. This goes on and on - she always seems to be "between residences." But it's BS because she has plenty of money. But when DH thinks his poor mother is going to be homeless, it's hard to push back without looking like the evil DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL. When she visits, I basically hide in my room to avoid her. The last few times she visited, I went nuclear on DH after she left. I was mad at him for weeks. I told DH that if she visits, he must take time off and entertain her and he cannot stay here with me and the kids while he is at work. I also said that she should visit his brother next. BIL just moved close to us and bought a new home with extra bedrooms. It has now been over a year since MIL visited. DH has gone up to visit his mother twice.

I was ready to divorce DH over this. I wanted to go to counseling. We have talked about this at nauseam. DH has acknowledged his mother is difficult. He also acknowledged that his own brother doesn’t want to deal with his mom, which is why he doesn’t want to host her either. He acknowledges how unfair and why I would be upset being stuck with his mom who both he and his brother also don’t want to be around. I feel heard.

Sounds like a great outcome! Too bad it had to come to a screaming match before he finally smartened up.

Oh it is still a point of contention. He literally just mentioned a few days ago how his mother is not allowed to visit. I reminded him that his brother can host her and she can visit or she can visit when DH can host his mother. DH and BIL talked about how BIL can host his mom next over a year ago. BIL agreed but he obviously doesn’t want to.

I'm OP and this is also very similar to our situation. We've been through all that kind of thing over the years. Currently BIL will not even be in the same room with MIL, much less host her. But I do remember how, when I tried a zero tolerance policy and there was all the screaming and shouting and so on, followed by me leaving DH until he promised no more MIL in our house, that he never stopped being resentful over it and bringing it up every once in a while. Stay firm, though - you give an inch, and she'll be back in there. I mean, don't even blink.

How dare you give this advice to someone else when you won't consider it for yourself.

That's not advice, that's a warning. It's a "don't make my mistake" kind of thing. How dare you post such an unhelpful comment?

[Anonymous]

You need to start blasting music (whatever she hates most) the entire time she’s here. Also put a lock on your door.

[Anonymous]

NO- haven’t read the whole thread but did read your original post. I’m sorry and this is hard. Have you had any discussions with DH at all? Sounds like it should start there. He may not really know how hard it is for you. Keep the focus on you not on her so he can hear you.

Another thought is to put a lock on your bedroom door. Just a doorknob kind so no big deal. She can have access to the house but not your room. Spend as much time in there as you like when she’s there. It will also solve the laundry issue for you.

Put more parameters on when she can come. I have a lot of friends whose parents live very far away and so come for extended stays. But they can stretch out the in between times once they are gone.

Start asking her to do things for you. Make requests of what she can do and see how it goes.

You can tolerate a lot but not her temper. You can tell her that if she is overtly yelling she will be asked to leave the house. That could be a red line for you. That could be a red line for your dh.

Make social plans for yourself or you and dh while she is there so that you aren’t home every night.

Good luck. It is very hard if DH can’t/wont stand up for you. Don’t get divorced over this. You should otherwise content.

[Anonymous]

Meant NP not NO to start.

[Anonymous]

MIL knows she's being controlling and she enjoys it. I am in introvert who is typically very accommodating and flexible and sometimes people read that as doormat. I know this and I know that if I am being walked on it is within my control to do everything I can to try to put a stop to it. You can write a letter, send a series of text messages or emails if you don't want a verbal confrontation. It works. Send off the written communication and let the dust settle. MIL can feel angry, insulted or out of control, those are her feelings to handle.

You could also say things like "I'm not comfortable with that" or "I don't agree with the way you are doing that" see the info at this link...

https://umatter.princeton.edu/respect/addressing-disrespect

https://umatter.princeton.edu/respect/tools/creating-respectful-community

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You just can't win in an enmeshed family, if you agree to what they require, you lose quality of life, if you resist you are seen as the bad guy and receive resentment and contempt from your spouse which erodes your marital life. Walk away if you value your sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:White woman who married into an indian family. It's been 17 years, and my life is nothing like this.

You are choosing to be a martyr. You can easily set some boundaries. Let her get angry. Then let her get over it. It blows over. She's counting on no one ever standing up to her because of that.

All youre doing is making yourself sick - literally harming your body - instead of standing up for yourself.

Ditto, but 24 years. I made it very clear early on that no one is staying at my house more than a week at a time (and prefer less days). And my mother-in-law is a really nice lady. But yes, culturally very different.

[Anonymous]

I know the feeling.

I took a bunch of strangers sailing the last time my MIL stayed with us. Everyone on the boat was fine but a few of them got scared, and the instructor said, “You’re not a beginner are you?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you think of things to do to make her uncomfortable while she is there?

This. If she starts acting up give it right back to her. When she makes comments tell her to mind her own business. Tell DH to man up.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think OP has said her spouse is South Asian, but many people are assuming that. To add a little balance, my Indian MIL (raised in India, very traditional family and I am also Indian) told me early on that her own MIL made her life difficult and she said she would not do that. She has kept to her word and seen more of our family with closer ties than she ever would have otherwise. She tries to be helpful and doesn’t come between my husband and me. Yay to people who try to break rather than perpetuate generational trauma.

[Anonymous]

OP you wrote:

But in a way, that means she wins, since getting rid of me has been her goal for 25 years now. When I was younger and had small children, I could be sure that if it came down to a choice then DH would choose me, but that's not a given these days. And I don't want to divorce for financial reasons and also because we have a tween who would be devastated. And other than this, DH and I get along pretty well.


OP is it a given that you and your DH love each other?

Maybe love has nothing to do with marriages from your MIL's culture.

What would happen if your MIL ends up actually living with your family here in the States full time? What would you do then?

Do your children love her and do they enjoy being around her?

My great grandparents lived downstairs from my grandparents. My other set of great grandparents lived next door.

My mother and her mother may have had their differences. And my mother's brother's wife may also have laughed at some of the things my grandmother did.

However, there wasn't a deep seated contempt for one another.

We recognize we're from different generations and different cultures and the "old country."

And as kids, we loved our great grandparents and grand parents. Can you focus on that? It sounds like you have it made because she's doing so much around the house for you. And yet, you don't see it that way.

[Anonymous]

OP,

How are you doing?

What plans have you put in place?

What did your husband say when you sat him down and gave him The Talk?