Reply to About to Jump Off a Ledge Over Upcoming MIL Visit, Please Talk Me Down

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have a similar MIL (and DH). I spend a lot of time in my room when MiL is visiting (she thinks I am a lazy being who goes to bed early and gets up late). I lock my door when I am in my room (and tell my kids to knock and I’ll let them in). I ignore as much as I can but yes I am seething at the end of day 1 much less the entire 2 week visit. Mine doesnt drive so she is dependent on me/us to pick up foods etc so I dont buy foods she cooks other than for a couple of nights of her visit. I commiserate, OP. [/quote]

Why don’t you stand up to your MIL?[/quote]
People who make these kinds of comments probably have not had the joy of dealing with these types of women. [/quote]

So your response is, "it's just too difficult?"  OK, cower in your room.  Just pathetic.  [/quote]

I’ve had more than 25 years of dealing with this. MIL is pushy, demanding and controlling. She gaslights or goes on the offensive when one calls her out on her behavior. That often turns into ugly arguments and stress for everyone including my kids. So yes, I do prefer to take time for myself in an area of the house that MIL can’t enter versus exposing my kids and myself to that environment.

The option I could take is to divorce DH, because as much as he, too, isn’t happy when his mother is around, he like everyone around her was raised to give in to her demands. But I have no reason to want to do that other than these MIL visits. I’d rather spend that time dealing in a way that lets me not get so triggered, doesn’t expose my kids to ugly behavior, and keeps my marriage intact.

In my professional life I’m an assertive litigator. In my personal life I’m an equal partner and strong parental figure. My MIL would wear down anyone, and it is easy to judge from the outside (especially if you don’t have people like her in your life). [/quote]

When I first met my MIL, I believed that her odd behavior was because of cultural differences.  Some twenty five years later, I now understand that she has borderline personality disorder and that the things she says and does are considered bizarre even within her own culture.  One facet of borderline personality is that they LOVE a big, messy, dramatic confrontation and unfortunately standing up to such people just gives them one.  I am going to be visiting my MIL shortly for her big birthday celebration (turning 80).  I fully anticipate that she will say cruel things to me and that I will have the choice of responding and defending myself and getting a big, ugly messy confrtation which she would enjoy immensely, or taking the criticism.  I have been thinking about a new technique, in which she says cruel, hurtful things and I say something like "I'm worried about you.  Sometimes elderly people say really inappropriate things.  Have you been examined by a doctor recently?"  Maybe OP could try something like that, implying that the bizarre behaior is due to dementia or something like that.  "Moving the furniture in someone else's house?  Maybe she doesn't know where she is is."  "MIL, you are NOT at YOUR HOME.  Do you know what day it is?  Who is the president?"  That could be fun![/quote]

OP here.  A lot of MIL's ideas come from her culture, but even among her family she is considered difficult, and some of them even say she's "crazy."  I don't know her culture well, but I think she is trying to enforce cultural norms which are outdated even in her country.  You are spot on about the big ugly confrontations.  That does not work to my advantage, since that makes her quite happy and she would never back down.  I tried it early in our relationship. [b] The result was that I actually left DH for a short time, before we had children, and only came back after he promised his mother would never come to stay with us again. [/b] He kept the promise up until recently.  However, she's not very elderly (oh, how I wish she were), and her poor English means any comment I make has to be repeated and explained six times, and she still doesn't get it, so subtle insults have little effect.  [/quote]

Sounds like it's time to pack your bags again. This time for good.[/quote]

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