About to Jump Off a Ledge Over Upcoming MIL Visit, Please Talk Me Down

[Anonymous]

Not to be too dramatic, but I am literally breathing hard and near tears after just discovering that my MIL is planning to come here in three weeks. The problem is, she just left. She was here for 3 weeks up until yesterday, and I don't know how to describe having her here except to say it's stressful and nearly unbearable. It usually takes me about 2 weeks to recover from her visits, which are always a minimum of 2 weeks long (once she stayed almost 4 months!). There is never and end date for her stays.

She takes over my house when she here, re-arranging furniture, replacing decor, cooking in my kitchen for up to 8 hours a day. She goes into my room and takes my laundry and washes and folds it, like my underwear and everything, even though I have asked her numerous times not to do that. There is a constant running commentary of parenting advice and criticism, and she gets angry if she hears me ask DH to do anything at all (take out the garbage, be a parent, etc.). There is no privacy with her around. She has a terrible temper and although she only occasionally becomes very confrontational, that's mostly because we all tiptoe around her, and most of the family - including me - are scared of her.

When she is in my house I am so anxious that I have literally sat in my car for several hours in order to avoid going into my own home. I feel sick all the time, and live on junk food because I don't even feel comfortable eating in my house. Unfortunately, I'm an introvert, and home is my safe space, and I'm not OK without it.

So now that I'm told that although she just left, she will return in a few weeks, I'm beside myself. I don't want to have a huge argument with DH, who is definitely never going to stand up to her, which leaves me no option but to consider leaving. But in a way, that means she wins, since getting rid of me has been her goal for 25 years now. When I was younger and had small children, I could be sure that if it came down to a choice then DH would choose me, but that's not a given these days. And I don't want to divorce for financial reasons and also because we have a tween who would be devastated. And other than this, DH and I get along pretty well.

I'm not sure I need advice, because there is really no good solution, but I'd love to hear from anyone in a similar position or who has a similarly horrible MIL. And yes, she's from another country, but I'm not saying which one. But I wish she would stay in it!

[Anonymous]

I know this is simple, but can you just ignore more? Or find her things to do? She sounds unbearable but at the same time, the more stressed you get, the more you are the one who looks bad. Assuming you have already tried to prevent it and you have no way of getting dh to be reasonable, i would be gone a lot, like long days, and plan weekends away. I am not saying it’s not awful but letting go of the emotional piece and how much she gets under your skin will help.

My MIL was really difficult so I am sympathetic. She will also grow weak and die someday, most likely long before you and dh, so this is a short term problem in some ways. I wish I had realized that more fully when I was younger.

[Anonymous]

Can you think of things to do to make her uncomfortable while she is there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is simple, but can you just ignore more? Or find her things to do? She sounds unbearable but at the same time, the more stressed you get, the more you are the one who looks bad. Assuming you have already tried to prevent it and you have no way of getting dh to be reasonable, i would be gone a lot, like long days, and plan weekends away. I am not saying it’s not awful but letting go of the emotional piece and how much she gets under your skin will help.

My MIL was really difficult so I am sympathetic. She will also grow weak and die someday, most likely long before you and dh, so this is a short term problem in some ways. I wish I had realized that more fully when I was younger.

OP here - I do my best to be gone a lot, but I have to be here most days to take care of the tween. I can't ignore her because she is in my face day and night, and the house offers little privacy. I have long since given up on trying to be a gracious host - I think if you invite yourself over and then stay for weeks and are a terrible guest, then you have forfeited the right to that. Sadly, she is fairly young and quite healthy, so there is a decent chance she will actually outlive me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you think of things to do to make her uncomfortable while she is there?

Oh yes, I do lots of little things to make her stay less pleasant. I hide her favorite pots and pans, rearrange the spice cabinet in ways that don't make sense, turn the temperature in the house way up or down, and basically don't do anything to make her more comfortable. I've become a terrible host, on purpose. And yet, she won't leave.

[Anonymous]

Can MIL drive?

Can you get tween to do things with grandma?

Hide the things you don't want her to wash. Let her mess with all the other laundry.

Don't sit in your car - find a place YOU like to go. Swimming pool? Library? Spa? Mall?

Can you go out of town during part of this period?

Does she come in your bedroom? If not, retreat to it and watch great t.v. on iPad.

Can you make up any distraction projects for her? Like painting a room? Gardening?

Pre-negotiate with DH over chores. Have code words for executing them.

You need your DH to step up. Not sure why he won't. But see if he'll back you up if you tell her she can't come and go at will. Do you need an inheritance?

Probably her MIL was terrible to her and so she's a bully. If you can get your DH to back you, I would be more forceful in insisting she follow your house rules.

[Anonymous]

I would not assume that she would be happy to get rid of you. Perhaps you got that feeling early in your marriage, but maybe now she wouldn't want that for her son.

Also, I don't know why you immediately jump to divorce. Has this been suggested recently, by your husband or his mother? There are many solutions and alternatives. Statistically, men generally do not initiate divorce, OP. They know they will have to provide child support and possibly alimony.

I would sit down with your husband when he's calm, and explain that his mother's visits have worsened your mental and physical health for years, and now you cannot take it anymore. That you feel abused in your own home by this person, and that you feel he enables this abuse by not protecting you as he should. That this has permanently impacted your view of him as a human being and partner. If he cannot respect you, then you cannot respect him, let alone his mother.

Therefore, you declare that if he cannot curtail her visits, you will act as you see fit to protect yourself, and you do not care how you are perceived anymore by anyone.

What would you want to do, ideally, if you cannot physically stop her from visiting? I assume going to a hotel for the duration would be cost-prohibitive, but it's an option -if you start costing your husband enough money, he might see the light. Make sure to point out divorce would be even more expensive. Perhaps you could rearrange your house so you have a set of adjoining rooms, with a bathroom, that lock and only you have the key/code. You can call contractors and set that up before she arrives. You put everything in there that you don't want her to touch. You make yourself a cozy retreat. Obviously your husband sleeps elsewhere and uses another bathroom - that's not your problem. You ignore her as much as possible, don't lift a finger for her, and especially ignore her if she starts being rude.

Or you could go nuclear, tell her never to darken your door again (if you are indeed listed as co-owner of the property), physically attempt to refuse her entry, change the locks (your husband will need a new key, so limited success there), throw out anything she brings or changes in the house. You could out-yell her, scream insults, threaten her and make her life so miserable she'll leave in a terrible huff. All of this to make her visit not worth the effort. Would that make your husband divorce you? I doubt it, for the reasons cited above. He seems like he's a wuss waiting for the women in his life to fight for pole position. However this option is highly stressful and bad for your blood pressure, and frankly, you don't seem like the sort of person who's ready to do this.

But you do have options, OP. That's the idea you need to hold on to. Be creative. As long as you don't touch her physically, there are some pretty nasty things you can do to her, and some pretty nice solutions for yourself.

[Anonymous]

So she just announces her visits? She doesn't have to ask?

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP, that really blows. My MIL is very nice (and I love her), but she also tries to take over cooking, rearranging shit, laundry, etc and stays for months at a time. So even though she's nice about it, it drives me nuts and I get really frustrated. I end up getting depressed, eating crappy food, and very irritable.

I've started speaking up more and she's backed off a little (although she did get very sad/upset and I felt horrible). Still, it's important to have boundaries. In your situation, I would try to find a regular class or activity (exercise, art, academic, book club) to get me out of the house more. Take your teen on a weekend trip - just you two - and stay in a hotel to get a break.

My situation is different from yours, so I don't have any suggestions. I'm sorry your DH sucks too.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to set limits on the frequency and duration of her visits. Period.

I say that for all visitors, whether they are the easiest or most difficult, for either side of the family.

If he truly can't or is unwilling to do it, you have to do it for him. The only other option is for you to leave during that time. Or part of that time. I'd go visit my sister or see if I can work remotely at my aunt's summer home, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: So she just announces her visits? She doesn't have to ask?

Precisely. She literally thinks she owns the place. Even though I do own half of it. It's part of her culture. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to set limits on the frequency and duration of her visits. Period.

I say that for all visitors, whether they are the easiest or most difficult, for either side of the family.

If he truly can't or is unwilling to do it, you have to do it for him. The only other option is for you to leave during that time. Or part of that time. I'd go visit my sister or see if I can work remotely at my aunt's summer home, etc.

I spend a lot of time at relative's houses and even make up excuses about traveling for work when she is here. But I have a child in school here and can't just up and abandon him. Plus, DH gets really angry when he knows I'm just making an excuse to leave, especially since it puts more child care responsibilities on him. I know the problem is DH, but I've always known he had this problem. It will never change. And I can't stand up to her by myself, because then she would take it out on him, and that would just come back around to me. Oh, how I hate this woman!

[Anonymous]

OP, I say this with kindness, not mean-ness, but don't know how to soften it. You have to grow a backbone.

I get not having the personality to advocate for yourself regarding your MIL, and you want to avoid drama, but you can't be a second class citizen in your own home. And this won't get better. The older she gets the more she will plan to live with you.

You need to be willing to fight. No, MIL, that picture doesn't go there. On repeat. And be willing to deal with the heat. If not, there is no help for you. You have to do this yourself.

[Anonymous]

My first reaction is that it's time for you to speak up.

MIL, put that down. It does NOT go there.

MIL, it's time for me to cook dinner. I need you to clear out now.

MIL, do NOT touch our laundry again. What part of that isn't clear to you?

MIL, you are a guest in my house. Please behave like one if you'd like to be invited back.

I mean literally, stop being nice and be vocal. Warn DH in advance that if he doesn't do it you will.

[Anonymous]

Can you book a local Airbnb for you and your child for the duration of her visit?