About to Jump Off a Ledge Over Upcoming MIL Visit, Please Talk Me Down

[Anonymous]

Drop off all your knives to be sharpened.

Take your tween out for dinner every night.

Your husband and MIL can fend for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be too dramatic, but I am literally breathing hard and near tears after just discovering that my MIL is planning to come here in three weeks. The problem is, she just left. She was here for 3 weeks up until yesterday, and I don't know how to describe having her here except to say it's stressful and nearly unbearable. It usually takes me about 2 weeks to recover from her visits, which are always a minimum of 2 weeks long (once she stayed almost 4 months!). There is never and end date for her stays.

She takes over my house when she here, re-arranging furniture, replacing decor, cooking in my kitchen for up to 8 hours a day. She goes into my room and takes my laundry and washes and folds it, like my underwear and everything, even though I have asked her numerous times not to do that. There is a constant running commentary of parenting advice and criticism, and she gets angry if she hears me ask DH to do anything at all (take out the garbage, be a parent, etc.). There is no privacy with her around. She has a terrible temper and although she only occasionally becomes very confrontational, that's mostly because we all tiptoe around her, and most of the family - including me - are scared of her.

When she is in my house I am so anxious that I have literally sat in my car for several hours in order to avoid going into my own home. I feel sick all the time, and live on junk food because I don't even feel comfortable eating in my house. Unfortunately, I'm an introvert, and home is my safe space, and I'm not OK without it.

So now that I'm told that although she just left, she will return in a few weeks, I'm beside myself. I don't want to have a huge argument with DH, who is definitely never going to stand up to her, which leaves me no option but to consider leaving. But in a way, that means she wins, since getting rid of me has been her goal for 25 years now. When I was younger and had small children, I could be sure that if it came down to a choice then DH would choose me, but that's not a given these days. And I don't want to divorce for financial reasons and also because we have a tween who would be devastated. And other than this, DH and I get along pretty well.

I'm not sure I need advice, because there is really no good solution, but I'd love to hear from anyone in a similar position or who has a similarly horrible MIL. And yes, she's from another country, but I'm not saying which one. But I wish she would stay in it!

She isn't not the problem. I mean she is a problem but not your problem. Your problem is your DH. He is conditioned to feel responsible for her and bow to her as she must've loved him and sacrificed for him.

If he learns boundaries and help her understand those, it would make life easier for everyone including herself. You'll be able to make peace with her presence in your lives. Most of your frustration is not about having her but not having the authority to build a mutually respectful and beneficial relationship with her.

To be continued ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you think of things to do to make her uncomfortable while she is there?

Oh yes, I do lots of little things to make her stay less pleasant. I hide her favorite pots and pans, rearrange the spice cabinet in ways that don't make sense, turn the temperature in the house way up or down, and basically don't do anything to make her more comfortable. I've become a terrible host, on purpose. And yet, she won't leave.

Wow, you two need to grow up and lear to communicate effectively and you won't need to resort to passive aggressive games.

[Anonymous]

Give yourself permission to push back. Model for your child the ways we stand up for ourselves, respectfully but firmly. Stop caring what your MIL thinks. And if she gets mad, SO WHAT?? You are an adult and she doesn’t have authority over you. Once you stop worrying about what she thinks, you will feel very liberated, I promise. And she will have to adjust or, better yet, stay home.

Tell her it’s bizarre that she remainders your clothes and handles your underwear. Tell her it’s not helpful and instead feels invasive and like she’s trying to make some kind of point. (It’s the equivalent of dogs peeing on turf, OP.) Tell her “this is what’s for dinner” and “this is the plan.” Speak up more. Do not cower in the driveway. Do not hyperventilate. Check in with friends or with us when she’s there, for moral support. You can do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you can’t just tell your husband no.

Because this is some weird cultural problem that the rest of us can't help with.

This is very common in certain cultures.

And yet it persists, so it's not like you or they would have any solutions.

[Anonymous]

Also, can’t you say something “spontaneous” when she announces her return, like, “Already? You were just here!”

Can you invite someone from your family to come during her visit? Like a sister or your own mom or something?

[Anonymous]

Put a lock on your bedroom door. If you don’t want to do that, lock the laundry room or your closet.

I’d tell my husband I am not going to put up with it, and I’m leaving while she is there because I’ll break if I don’t. Then rent yourself a room in a long-stay hotel or an Airbnb. The tween can come stay with you some of the time. The thing is to be crystal clear with DH: this is making me sick. Since you won’t stand up for me and my health I will.

[Anonymous]

What culture is she from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put a lock on your bedroom door. If you don’t want to do that, lock the laundry room or your closet.

I’d tell my husband I am not going to put up with it, and I’m leaving while she is there because I’ll break if I don’t. Then rent yourself a room in a long-stay hotel or an Airbnb. The tween can come stay with you some of the time. The thing is to be crystal clear with DH: this is making me sick. Since you won’t stand up for me and my health I will.

It's gotta be the bedroom so her husband has to sleep on the couch. His mother is visiting, and now they can stay up until all hours talking. And OP can get a good night's sleep and know that her MIL won't be able to mess with her stuff despite her inability to control herself.

This isn't being passive aggressive. This is playing the hand you're dealt when the other person will not listen to explicit instructions.

[Anonymous]

Lock on the door to your bedroom. Sit in your car, even for several hours if you like. Go to the library. Whatever. You should be "gone" several hours of every day. Whether you have anywhere (really) to go or not. If you make it a consistent schedule, the household will get use to it. No explaining.

[Anonymous]

I see two options here.

1. Continue on as is. You are miserable.
2. Accept being the bad guy. Either tell her no to the visit (DH doesnt get carte blanche if you both own the home), or stop being nice while she's there. And definitely put a lock on your door!

I know some people hate being the bad guy and would rather smile and seethe on the inside, but honestly it is SO FREEING. "Sorry MIL that won't work for us. Maybe we can look at the summer for your next visit". "MIL you need to move the furniture back to how it was before. Do not touch the furniture again." (or if you want to actually be mean, come in and laugh when you see the new layout "LOLOL Oh my gosh, this looks horrible! Who did this?! ... Oh, MIL. Please move it back right away."

I'd let her blow up. No tiptoeing in your own house. Tell her no, let her have a tantrum, and then move on.

But really, just tell her NO to coming again so soon. And dont deal with any of this for a long time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What culture is she from?

+1. Need to warn my kid not to marry one of these guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first reaction is that it's time for you to speak up.

MIL, put that down. It does NOT go there.

MIL, it's time for me to cook dinner. I need you to clear out now.

MIL, do NOT touch our laundry again. What part of that isn't clear to you?

MIL, you are a guest in my house. Please behave like one if you'd like to be invited back.

I mean literally, stop being nice and be vocal. Warn DH in advance that if he doesn't do it you will.

Before all this:

"MIL, you can't come right now. It isn't a good time for us, and you were just here for 3 weeks."

Repeat as necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change the door knob on your closet to one with a lock. You could also use those kid magnetic locks on your kitchen cupboards, but that would be more obvious that it's just for her.

MIL is not a toddler. OP needs to stand up for herself.

[Anonymous]

Why are you and DH so passive and intimidated? Is she holding a large inheritance over your heads or financing your current lifestyle? Usually when a couple becomes financially independent of their parents, they gain autonomy over their household.