About to Jump Off a Ledge Over Upcoming MIL Visit, Please Talk Me Down

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've stopped waiting for DH to prioritize my needs re his family and instead just take control now and don't feel guilty if there are hurt feelings in the process

I'd call her up and say "i'm sorry DH said it was good to visit again, but its not a good time for us and we will need to reschedule. there is too much going on and it'd be overwhelming to have another visit right now. one week in july would work great though but we have to cancel now"

she can be upset, who cares. dh can be upset but he brought it upon himself

I'd bet a million oreos that mil will not hear one word of this and will be on a plane even sooner.

OP here, yes, this is true. There is a language issue (which I sometimes think is deliberate), and a general inability to communicate like a normal human, plus the fact that she doesn't even tell us when she's coming sometimes. She's here now, which came as a total shock to me, as I was upset about the prospect of her arriving a few weeks from now. But....knock knock, guess who's back, a flutter of the hands and something about snow, and even DH looked somewhat crestfallen to see her. I'm heading to my mom's for a couple days right now. I flat out lied and said she's sick and needs me.

So instead of telling your husband how upset you are, you lied to him.
Instead of standing up for yourself, you lied to him.
Instead of accomplishing anything of value, you lied.

This would have been a really great conversation jumping off point with you and DH.

If it's even real.

When there is an imbalance of consensual power, people in subservient roles feel like they've no choice but to lie to feel some power and make life livable for themselves.

That being said, OP also sound immature as she is lying and running to her own mommy. She needs to register for marital counseling so they can find a mutually agreeable fair solution with help of a neutral professional.

[Anonymous]

OP, I asked a few days back why your husband reneged on his promise that she couldn’t stay with you. You never responded. Can you answer why?

Your MIL sounds mentally ill and the real issue here is that your husband is sacrificing the well being of your family habit to accommodate her.

I’m starting to think this isn’t real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I asked a few days back why your husband reneged on his promise that she couldn’t stay with you. You never responded. Can you answer why?

Your MIL sounds mentally ill and the real issue here is that your husband is sacrificing the well being of your family habit to accommodate her.

I’m starting to think this isn’t real.

Family UNIT, not habit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL. When she visits, I basically hide in my room to avoid her. The last few times she visited, I went nuclear on DH after she left. I was mad at him for weeks. I told DH that if she visits, he must take time off and entertain her and he cannot stay here with me and the kids while he is at work. I also said that she should visit his brother next. BIL just moved close to us and bought a new home with extra bedrooms. It has now been over a year since MIL visited. DH has gone up to visit his mother twice.

I was ready to divorce DH over this. I wanted to go to counseling. We have talked about this at nauseam. DH has acknowledged his mother is difficult. He also acknowledged that his own brother doesn’t want to deal with his mom, which is why he doesn’t want to host her either. He acknowledges how unfair and why I would be upset being stuck with his mom who both he and his brother also don’t want to be around. I feel heard.

Sounds like a great outcome! Too bad it had to come to a screaming match before he finally smartened up.

Oh it is still a point of contention. He literally just mentioned a few days ago how his mother is not allowed to visit. I reminded him that his brother can host her and she can visit or she can visit when DH can host his mother. DH and BIL talked about how BIL can host his mom next over a year ago. BIL agreed but he obviously doesn’t want to.

Ugh that seems rough. Bet better (imo) to deal with the fall out of not having her stay vs actually having her stay LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you can’t just tell your husband no.

Because this is some weird cultural problem that the rest of us can't help with.

I'm Pakistani and my MIL is an annoying PIA who would have loved for me to die in childbirth so she could move in. My husband also LOVES being lazy around her. honestly, 3 weeks n and 3 weeks off is insane and that DH doesnt make it up to you by being nicer behind the scenes or taking stuff off your plate is miserable.

So- you get a local airbnb and move there with your tween. This is going to cause a ruckus so be prepared for it- my mom would be calling me and my aunt and blah blah but it's worth it. Your husband who is the person who brings this interloper into your home needs to make a choice and the sooner the better for you. we are all taught to be scared of the gossiping aunties but you know- this is America, they dont have any influence over anything. Not our kids rishtas, or college placement or career prospects, or how the land/jewelry/heirlooms will be divided up. None of the stuff that made family gossip so dangerous and impactful for generations has any thing to do with how we live life here. And also this isn't even that bad- hetero couple having issues is a nothing. burger compared to the stuff that goes on now, you didnt run away with your lesbian love or anything! so just pack your bags and leave, WITH the tween. he's your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I asked a few days back why your husband reneged on his promise that she couldn’t stay with you. You never responded. Can you answer why?

Your MIL sounds mentally ill and the real issue here is that your husband is sacrificing the well being of your family habit to accommodate her.

I’m starting to think this isn’t real.

+100000000000000000000000000000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the DH's family from South Asia?

How do South Asian-American women deal with MILS like this? Please give this poor foreigner OP some tips on how it’s done.

I'm the Pakistani poster from before and most MIL arent like this anymore. Also read some Jhumpa Lahiri to get some insight. a lot of people are imposing cultural mores from pre-partition or something on unsuspecting foreigners or kids raised here and using the excuse that this is our culture when no-one behaves like this in modern day South Asia except illiterates from the village who are constantly needing intervention from NGOs and government task forces.

I know some women who are stuck living with unpleasant MILs, waiting for citizenship and stuff like that BUT usually the husbands are super aware that their home life is being affected and try to make it up to their wives by spending time with them, helping out around the house without being asked b/c they know that if MIL hears the DIL ask, it'll cause unpleasantness and MEN of all cultures are more conflict avoidant and cowardly in relationships compared to women. They'll also accede to requests like creating a sitting area in the master with a lock on it and the family hangs out there away form the unpleasant in laws, or they set up the MIL with her own space. also will go on mini family breaks and leave the MIL behind- go out for sushi or something that she thinks is gross and cant eat. A lot of people will also go on regular weekly date nights and expect the MIL to feed the tween and clean up after them. No-one puts up with this stuff anymore- its very out dated and ppl are tryin to take advantage of ignorance and saying it's cultural' when the culture back home has also moved on from this lack of boundaries, lack of privacy and hierarchical nonsense.

you can also just lean into her cleaning and cooking and laundry ways and explicitly tell her what you want done- basically treat her like the help. after dinner, go to your private sitting area with your husband and son and watch tv while she cleans up. if she follows you- get up and go to the kitchen and clean up by yourself with music on. either way you get some respite from her. Also get locks for closets and doors ! in South Asia, f something isn't purposefully Locked up and nailed down, doors closed and locked- they are fair game. other people will not respect your privacy yuo have to be vigilant about creating private zones and policing them with locks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is probably afraid of losing face in social circle here and relatives back home and also of divorce. People would paint her as a mean women who can't tolerate her MIL, without knowing reality. Family back home would push a lot as this really works well for them.

See- the thing is, that is what they tell all of us ABCD's but if you travel back home you realize that things have CHANGED. People who move here from there are making fools of us and our parents raised us with the culture they experienced 50 years. Is American culture the same as it was fifty years ago? no it has changed, well so has south asian culture and it is absolutely not the norm for husbands to act like this. people want to have a romantic, loving relationship with their spouses and want privacy for their nuclear family. even if they wont be confrontational or bad mouth their moms, they will try to make it up to the wives. Mostly by going on date nights, vacations. A joint family home is the norm but Having a separate suite either for the MIL or for the son & his family. I dont know anyone back home who doesnt have separate suite set up so the couple can spend time as nuclear family other than the very poor who are struggling, like domestics and such. Even if there isn't a full on kitchen- there will be a breakfast bar and sitting area along with bedrooms that are on a separate floor or in a separate wing and Im not part of the super rich class.

[Anonymous]

I’m a poster who has posted commisserating with OP and my MIL is German not South Asian

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I asked a few days back why your husband reneged on his promise that she couldn’t stay with you. You never responded. Can you answer why?

Your MIL sounds mentally ill and the real issue here is that your husband is sacrificing the well being of your family habit to accommodate her.

I’m starting to think this isn’t real.

Sure, I can answer, kind of. He didn't renege so much as it just kind of eroded over the years. She got a lot nicer after we had children, at least when they were small, so I guess I let down my guard a little. Then a few years ago she retired and began traveling a lot more. That was really when it took a turn for the worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a poster who has posted commisserating with OP and my MIL is German not South Asian

I'm OP and my MIL is neither German nor South Asian. Poor South Asians, they always seem to get the blame on this forum!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL. When she visits, I basically hide in my room to avoid her. The last few times she visited, I went nuclear on DH after she left. I was mad at him for weeks. I told DH that if she visits, he must take time off and entertain her and he cannot stay here with me and the kids while he is at work. I also said that she should visit his brother next. BIL just moved close to us and bought a new home with extra bedrooms. It has now been over a year since MIL visited. DH has gone up to visit his mother twice.

I was ready to divorce DH over this. I wanted to go to counseling. We have talked about this at nauseam. DH has acknowledged his mother is difficult. He also acknowledged that his own brother doesn’t want to deal with his mom, which is why he doesn’t want to host her either. He acknowledges how unfair and why I would be upset being stuck with his mom who both he and his brother also don’t want to be around. I feel heard.

Sounds like a great outcome! Too bad it had to come to a screaming match before he finally smartened up.

Oh it is still a point of contention. He literally just mentioned a few days ago how his mother is not allowed to visit. I reminded him that his brother can host her and she can visit or she can visit when DH can host his mother. DH and BIL talked about how BIL can host his mom next over a year ago. BIL agreed but he obviously doesn’t want to.

I'm OP and this is also very similar to our situation. We've been through all that kind of thing over the years. Currently BIL will not even be in the same room with MIL, much less host her. But I do remember how, when I tried a zero tolerance policy and there was all the screaming and shouting and so on, followed by me leaving DH until he promised no more MIL in our house, that he never stopped being resentful over it and bringing it up every once in a while. Stay firm, though - you give an inch, and she'll be back in there. I mean, don't even blink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait OP are you the one w the MIL who rearranged the entire kitchen while you were out? I remember reading that thread around the end of last year. Do you stand to inherit a ton from her/that side of the family that you very much need or something? If not….SNIP. DON’T show your kids that you will accept this kind of disrespect and screaming. It’s abuse. Don’t normalize it.

I'm not sure if that was me or not, but certainly it could have been. She's done all kinds of rearranging stuff over the years, and the kitchen is always her first stop. There hasn't been any screaming recently (it's the fact that we know what she's capable of when angry that scares us, not constant screaming). But we don't stand to inherit a thing. In fact, DH and siblings have been largely supporting her lavish lifestyle for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the DH's family from South Asia?

How do South Asian-American women deal with MILS like this? Please give this poor foreigner OP some tips on how it’s done.

I'm the Pakistani poster from before and most MIL arent like this anymore. Also read some Jhumpa Lahiri to get some insight. a lot of people are imposing cultural mores from pre-partition or something on unsuspecting foreigners or kids raised here and using the excuse that this is our culture when no-one behaves like this in modern day South Asia except illiterates from the village who are constantly needing intervention from NGOs and government task forces.

I know some women who are stuck living with unpleasant MILs, waiting for citizenship and stuff like that BUT usually the husbands are super aware that their home life is being affected and try to make it up to their wives by spending time with them, helping out around the house without being asked b/c they know that if MIL hears the DIL ask, it'll cause unpleasantness and MEN of all cultures are more conflict avoidant and cowardly in relationships compared to women. They'll also accede to requests like creating a sitting area in the master with a lock on it and the family hangs out there away form the unpleasant in laws, or they set up the MIL with her own space. also will go on mini family breaks and leave the MIL behind- go out for sushi or something that she thinks is gross and cant eat. A lot of people will also go on regular weekly date nights and expect the MIL to feed the tween and clean up after them. No-one puts up with this stuff anymore- its very out dated and ppl are tryin to take advantage of ignorance and saying it's cultural' when the culture back home has also moved on from this lack of boundaries, lack of privacy and hierarchical nonsense.

you can also just lean into her cleaning and cooking and laundry ways and explicitly tell her what you want done- basically treat her like the help. after dinner, go to your private sitting area with your husband and son and watch tv while she cleans up. if she follows you- get up and go to the kitchen and clean up by yourself with music on. either way you get some respite from her. Also get locks for closets and doors ! in South Asia, f something isn't purposefully Locked up and nailed down, doors closed and locked- they are fair game. other people will not respect your privacy yuo have to be vigilant about creating private zones and policing them with locks.

PP - wow this is good advice. Why didn’t I put a lock in the laundry room door a long time ago? Also, I love the idea of cleaning up and listening to music - better yet - headphones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL. When she visits, I basically hide in my room to avoid her. The last few times she visited, I went nuclear on DH after she left. I was mad at him for weeks. I told DH that if she visits, he must take time off and entertain her and he cannot stay here with me and the kids while he is at work. I also said that she should visit his brother next. BIL just moved close to us and bought a new home with extra bedrooms. It has now been over a year since MIL visited. DH has gone up to visit his mother twice.

I was ready to divorce DH over this. I wanted to go to counseling. We have talked about this at nauseam. DH has acknowledged his mother is difficult. He also acknowledged that his own brother doesn’t want to deal with his mom, which is why he doesn’t want to host her either. He acknowledges how unfair and why I would be upset being stuck with his mom who both he and his brother also don’t want to be around. I feel heard.

Sounds like a great outcome! Too bad it had to come to a screaming match before he finally smartened up.

Oh it is still a point of contention. He literally just mentioned a few days ago how his mother is not allowed to visit. I reminded him that his brother can host her and she can visit or she can visit when DH can host his mother. DH and BIL talked about how BIL can host his mom next over a year ago. BIL agreed but he obviously doesn’t want to.

I'm OP and this is also very similar to our situation. We've been through all that kind of thing over the years. Currently BIL will not even be in the same room with MIL, much less host her. But I do remember how, when I tried a zero tolerance policy and there was all the screaming and shouting and so on, followed by me leaving DH until he promised no more MIL in our house, that he never stopped being resentful over it and bringing it up every once in a while. Stay firm, though - you give an inch, and she'll be back in there. I mean, don't even blink.

How dare you give this advice to someone else when you won't consider it for yourself.