About to Jump Off a Ledge Over Upcoming MIL Visit, Please Talk Me Down

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you can’t just tell your husband no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first reaction is that it's time for you to speak up.

MIL, put that down. It does NOT go there.

MIL, it's time for me to cook dinner. I need you to clear out now.

MIL, do NOT touch our laundry again. What part of that isn't clear to you?

MIL, you are a guest in my house. Please behave like one if you'd like to be invited back.

I mean literally, stop being nice and be vocal. Warn DH in advance that if he doesn't do it you will.

Great PP! Too many posters on various threads blame outright intrusive/rude on cultural differences or originally/currently from another country. Tell her to rent something or stay in a hotel since the place has no privacy when she's there. You don't have a home when she's in what you legally own with your spouse when she is present: re-arranging furniture, replacing decor, no kitchen access for OP, unauthorized laundry [your personal stuff].

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you can’t just tell your husband no.

Because this is some weird cultural problem that the rest of us can't help with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you can’t just tell your husband no.

Because this is some weird cultural problem that the rest of us can't help with.

This is very common in certain cultures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you book a local Airbnb for you and your child for the duration of her visit?

I just posted and OP should not be driven out of her home. That MIL belongs in a hotel or Airbnb. It stays as an uninvited thing for 2 weeks to 4 months.

[Anonymous]

So be terrible right back. Grab your laundry back from her hands and scream, "Don't EVER touch my personal laundry again!" Yell at her when she moves your stuff. You make it too easy to walk all over you. Make her stay so unpleasant that SHE doesn't want to come.

[Anonymous]

You will be too stressed to have sex with your husband for the duration of her stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you can’t just tell your husband no.

Because this is some weird cultural problem that the rest of us can't help with.

This. Some husbands revere their mother in a way they will never respect their wife of her boundaries. The wife is the "property" of the husbands family snd they are in charge not the new nuclear unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I say this with kindness, not mean-ness, but don't know how to soften it. You have to grow a backbone.

I get not having the personality to advocate for yourself regarding your MIL, and you want to avoid drama, but you can't be a second class citizen in your own home. And this won't get better. The older she gets the more she will plan to live with you.

You need to be willing to fight. No, MIL, that picture doesn't go there. On repeat. And be willing to deal with the heat. If not, there is no help for you. You have to do this yourself.

I agree. I have an MIL with these tendencies. I remember early in our marriage she would come over and change the lightbulbs bc she thought they were too dim, go through our drawer, etc. very similar.

Two things helped -- 1 is that I push back constantly, say no, and very, very directly tell her when she is overstepping. With boundary pushers you have to be very explicit and say exactly where they are overstepping. They will intentionally not take hints.

2. is that my husband saw it and also pushes back.They have gotten into huge fights about it where my MIL will drive away in tears, but they always make up and she comes back.

Pushing back is the only thing that will solve this.

[Anonymous]

If you are unwilling to push back, the only other option is to totally re-frame how you see her. It's amazing how much weight it can take off your shoulders when you change lenses. Start looking at her with pity. The legacy she will leave with her own family is being an overbearing, scary, rude, unloved person. What a shitty way to be. She succcckkkkkkssss.

Whenever I've been successfully able to shift my view of a person, it has lead to behavior change on my part. I get braver. I put less energy into being afraid/anxious/avoidant. I stand up for myself more. I take power back. Look at her clearly as a lonely old woman who has to bully everyone to get any attention. You will have a hard time un-seeing that. Couldn't hurt to try!

[Anonymous]

Good idea on the reframing - and remember, she should die before you.

[Anonymous]

If your DH is going to be pissed at you for not welcoming MIL gracefully like he expects you to, what difference does it make if you book your own hotel room for the time she is here or don't return home until your kid's night routine everyday so you have the minimal amount of time together? Either way your DH is not going to be happy with you so you might as well choose the option that works the best for your sanity.

[Anonymous]

We can’t help you if you’re not going to stand up to her or your DH.

[Anonymous]

Change the door knob on your closet to one with a lock. You could also use those kid magnetic locks on your kitchen cupboards, but that would be more obvious that it's just for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first reaction is that it's time for you to speak up.

MIL, put that down. It does NOT go there.

MIL, it's time for me to cook dinner. I need you to clear out now.

MIL, do NOT touch our laundry again. What part of that isn't clear to you?

MIL, you are a guest in my house. Please behave like one if you'd like to be invited back.

I mean literally, stop being nice and be vocal. Warn DH in advance that if he doesn't do it you will.

This is the only way to attempt to put a stop to the behavior. This is your own life and your own home, take a deep breath and stick up for yourself. I hate conflict but it gets easier once you start sticking up for yourself, I promise.