S/O How do you justify having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Well. She IS being used. One way or another.

No. She's not. She's getting what she wants just like he's getting what he wants. You have some seriously messed up beliefs.

x2. I had an affair and deeply regret. I feel badly that I hurt both women (wife and AP).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rather than doing the respectable thing and properly ending your marriage first? Obviously it’s driven by selfishness: not wanting to lose access to your kids, having to give up some money, and no longer being able to carry on the “family man/woman” image. If your AP is single you’re likely giving them false hope, and if they’re also married you’re both scumbags.

How do you live with yourself?

People are just bored. An affair seems exciting. Feeling wanted is exciting. The cat and mouse courting is exciting. It's not right, of course, but that's what fuels most of it. And opportunity. If it falls into your lap, so to speak, a surprising amount of married folks will capitalize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Well. She IS being used. One way or another.

No. She's not. She's getting what she wants just like he's getting what he wants. You have some seriously messed up beliefs.

x2. I had an affair and deeply regret. I feel badly that I hurt both women (wife and AP).

How did things work out for each of you? Curious what ended up happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rather than doing the respectable thing and properly ending your marriage first? Obviously it’s driven by selfishness: not wanting to lose access to your kids, having to give up some money, and no longer being able to carry on the “family man/woman” image. If your AP is single you’re likely giving them false hope, and if they’re also married you’re both scumbags.

How do you live with yourself?

People are just bored. An affair seems exciting. Feeling wanted is exciting. The cat and mouse courting is exciting. It's not right, of course, but that's what fuels most of it. And opportunity. If it falls into your lap, so to speak, a surprising amount of married folks will capitalize.

I think a lot of the time people only know it’s not right in the abstract without really understanding why, how corrosive it can be to everyone involved; the long term internal effects. They think it’s just a social norm that maybe can be harmlessly circumvented without really grasping the soul reasons. It’s sort of like the tree of knowledge, you don’t understand until it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

NP. It's because obviously this woman doesn't actually enjoy sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

NP. It's because obviously this woman doesn't actually enjoy sex.

How do you know this?

[Anonymous]

I very much enjoy the sex. And so does your DH. That’s why we’re together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rather than doing the respectable thing and properly ending your marriage first? Obviously it’s driven by selfishness: not wanting to lose access to your kids, having to give up some money, and no longer being able to carry on the “family man/woman” image. If your AP is single you’re likely giving them false hope, and if they’re also married you’re both scumbags.

How do you live with yourself?

People are just bored. An affair seems exciting. Feeling wanted is exciting. The cat and mouse courting is exciting. It's not right, of course, but that's what fuels most of it. And opportunity. If it falls into your lap, so to speak, a surprising amount of married folks will capitalize.

I think a lot of the time people only know it’s not right in the abstract without really understanding why, how corrosive it can be to everyone involved; the long term internal effects. They think it’s just a social norm that maybe can be harmlessly circumvented without really grasping the soul reasons. It’s sort of like the tree of knowledge, you don’t understand until it’s too late.

+1 the movies and books don't ever touch on the lasting trauma and emotional toll it takes on a family and a spouse. Lifelong issues stem from it, and often carry down generations. There is only how people think they will feel and others will feel which is not the reality of the bomb that goes off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rather than doing the respectable thing and properly ending your marriage first? Obviously it’s driven by selfishness: not wanting to lose access to your kids, having to give up some money, and no longer being able to carry on the “family man/woman” image. If your AP is single you’re likely giving them false hope, and if they’re also married you’re both scumbags.

How do you live with yourself?

People are just bored. An affair seems exciting. Feeling wanted is exciting. The cat and mouse courting is exciting. It's not right, of course, but that's what fuels most of it. And opportunity. If it falls into your lap, so to speak, a surprising amount of married folks will capitalize.

I think a lot of the time people only know it’s not right in the abstract without really understanding why, how corrosive it can be to everyone involved; the long term internal effects. They think it’s just a social norm that maybe can be harmlessly circumvented without really grasping the soul reasons. It’s sort of like the tree of knowledge, you don’t understand until it’s too late.

+1 the movies and books don't ever touch on the lasting trauma and emotional toll it takes on a family and a spouse. Lifelong issues stem from it, and often carry down generations. There is only how people think they will feel and others will feel which is not the reality of the bomb that goes off.

They just don’t care though. Meeting their “needs” and finding “happiness” are of utmost (sole?) importance to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I very much enjoy the sex. And so does your DH. That’s why we’re together.

You will be sick of him by year 10, by year 20, forget it. Everyone loves sex until multiple kids, work stresses and someone that is nasty and doesn't pull their weight at home.

He'll be sick of you in a few years and drop you like a hot potato, especially if you start asking for more of his time or become needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

NP. It's because obviously this woman doesn't actually enjoy sex.

I guess I would ask how many men dump the AP and go non-contact if it encroaches on their 'real' life? I assume that is the norm. Take a ride on the bicycle for awhile and then it gets a flat or the novelty wears off so they put her out on the curb for free-cycle. Maybe another married guy can pick her up and get some more use out of her.

[Anonymous]

OP I wonder how my husband lives with himself, knowing he's not a good husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I very much enjoy the sex. And so does your DH. That’s why we’re together.

I think it's funny when the women that have sex with him once a month or two don't realize he's actually having sex with his wife multiple times per week. It's funny when they get all full of themselves. Not so funny when he cuts off all contact without warning as she's picking out her future engagement ring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Right, and this board and the bitter dissed wives always make APs out to be dumpy, ugly women. Sometimes they are way prettier than the wife and younger. And sometimes the husband does leave his wife for the AP.

Doesn't make any of it right, but let's be honest, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Right, and this board and the bitter dissed wives always make APs out to be dumpy, ugly women. Sometimes they are way prettier than the wife and younger. And sometimes the husband does leave his wife for the AP.

Doesn't make any of it right, but let's be honest, too.

Who cares? They aren't good people. Anyone that enters a situation they know is going to harm a wife and kids is a real POS. The stats are really grim for the amount of times the exit affair they think is going to happen comes to fruition. Sure, posters love to post the anecdotal evidence about ol' hotpants Sally that landed the married man of her dreams and went on to bear his second or third family, but that is way outside of the statistical norm. Usually ol hotpants Sally is wasting valuable years believing him when he tells her he's going to leave, just have to do x or y or z....and the years tick by.