S/O How do you justify having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think most people do try to "justify" it. They know it's wrong, but for whatever reasons they do it anyway. There are a lot of reasons that make sense and a lot that don't.

They compartmentalize and figure no one is getting hurt that way. They are wrong when the walls come down eventually but it’s what they think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of trying to get my spouse to participate in a real and satisfying sex life, I outsourced.

I lived with myself by noting that I shouldn't have to lose my kids and finances, and if it ever got discovered, I am in the same place as I would be if we just divorced since we are no-fault.

Is this that hard to understand even if you don't agree with it?

did you tell him about it? There's the catch.

[Anonymous]

I’m doing it because he’s willing and interested. I don’t have any other men calling at the moment so why not just enjoy the attention and the sex for as long as it lasts? Besides I’m starting to really dig him! He’s a grown man he can make his own decisions on whether not he’s going to step out on you. It’s not like I’m making him do anything he doesn’t want to do. If he was happy and committed then I wouldn’t stand a chance. The problem isn’t with me, it’s with your relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m doing it because he’s willing and interested. I don’t have any other men calling at the moment so why not just enjoy the attention and the sex for as long as it lasts? Besides I’m starting to really dig him! He’s a grown man he can make his own decisions on whether not he’s going to step out on you. It’s not like I’m making him do anything he doesn’t want to do. If he was happy and committed then I wouldn’t stand a chance. The problem isn’t with me, it’s with your relationship with him.

You sound like a prostitute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m doing it because he’s willing and interested. I don’t have any other men calling at the moment so why not just enjoy the attention and the sex for as long as it lasts? Besides I’m starting to really dig him! He’s a grown man he can make his own decisions on whether not he’s going to step out on you. It’s not like I’m making him do anything he doesn’t want to do. If he was happy and committed then I wouldn’t stand a chance. The problem isn’t with me, it’s with your relationship with him.

People do this when they are unhappy with themselves. It's a mental health thing. It has nothing to do with a longtime partner. They are compartmentalizing and using you like a bottle of vodka. They are often still having weekly sex with their wife at home and playing happy family man. What I do know is that when it's discovered you will get discarded like a dirty rag, all communication will be cutoff and you are going to be in a very low point in your life. I see the fallout after things like this and it's not pretty.

But, the worst is the complete lack of empathy or care that what you are doing has real life trauma implications to a woman and her kids. Choosing to be part of that is just disgusting and says a lot about your poor character and lack of empathy. I don't know what went wrong in your upbringing that being part of an affair is even an option. Zero integrity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m doing it because he’s willing and interested. I don’t have any other men calling at the moment so why not just enjoy the attention and the sex for as long as it lasts? Besides I’m starting to really dig him! He’s a grown man he can make his own decisions on whether not he’s going to step out on you. It’s not like I’m making him do anything he doesn’t want to do. If he was happy and committed then I wouldn’t stand a chance. The problem isn’t with me, it’s with your relationship with him.

You sound like a prostitute.

Even worse. She's not even making any $. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m doing it because he’s willing and interested. I don’t have any other men calling at the moment so why not just enjoy the attention and the sex for as long as it lasts? Besides I’m starting to really dig him! He’s a grown man he can make his own decisions on whether not he’s going to step out on you. It’s not like I’m making him do anything he doesn’t want to do. If he was happy and committed then I wouldn’t stand a chance. The problem isn’t with me, it’s with your relationship with him.

Marriages don't cheat; people do. I agree that it's not anyone else's responsibility but mine and my partner's to uphold our relationship, but I disagree that cheating is a rational and expected response to someone being unhappy in a relationship. Taking away someone's personal autonomy and right to informed consent is never OK. And personally I find it a huge turn-off that someone would consider doing that to a third party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think most people do try to "justify" it. They know it's wrong, but for whatever reasons they do it anyway. There are a lot of reasons that make sense and a lot that don't.

They compartmentalize and figure no one is getting hurt that way. They are wrong when the walls come down eventually but it’s what they think.

This. All the time. They think if they love their spouse and don't bad mouth her, use complete discretion, not someone in their circle that she will never find out so they are protecting her. They think that show loyalty and respect. They will outwardly lie to the OW and say all kinds of crap, but to the wife they merely use lies of omission which is another way they can do it in their conscience. It's an escape thing, using someone to escape their own self-hatred and unfulfilled dreams. Many are depressed and use this as poor coping mechanism. What's telling is how quickly they throw the OW under the bus and cut contact. This isn't a 'person'. This is a sex toy they can throw in the trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m doing it because he’s willing and interested. I don’t have any other men calling at the moment so why not just enjoy the attention and the sex for as long as it lasts? Besides I’m starting to really dig him! He’s a grown man he can make his own decisions on whether not he’s going to step out on you. It’s not like I’m making him do anything he doesn’t want to do. If he was happy and committed then I wouldn’t stand a chance. The problem isn’t with me, it’s with your relationship with him.

Gee. I wonder why? Classic. Not good enough for a single guy, can't find one so has to settle for the guy that won't bring her out in public and has lower standards for a side fling. If he were single, he wouldn't be calling either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m doing it because he’s willing and interested. I don’t have any other men calling at the moment so why not just enjoy the attention and the sex for as long as it lasts? Besides I’m starting to really dig him! He’s a grown man he can make his own decisions on whether not he’s going to step out on you. It’s not like I’m making him do anything he doesn’t want to do. If he was happy and committed then I wouldn’t stand a chance. The problem isn’t with me, it’s with your relationship with him.

You sound like a prostitute.

Even worse. She's not even making any $. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think most people do try to "justify" it. They know it's wrong, but for whatever reasons they do it anyway. There are a lot of reasons that make sense and a lot that don't.

They compartmentalize and figure no one is getting hurt that way. They are wrong when the walls come down eventually but it’s what they think.

This. All the time. They think if they love their spouse and don't bad mouth her, use complete discretion, not someone in their circle that she will never find out so they are protecting her. They think that show loyalty and respect. They will outwardly lie to the OW and say all kinds of crap, but to the wife they merely use lies of omission which is another way they can do it in their conscience. It's an escape thing, using someone to escape their own self-hatred and unfulfilled dreams. Many are depressed and use this as poor coping mechanism. What's telling is how quickly they throw the OW under the bus and cut contact. This isn't a 'person'. This is a sex toy they can throw in the trash.

I don't think this is usually true. I think married people cheat with each other a lot more frequently than a married person and a single person and both the married APs have zero desire to leave their marriages and they both understand this. Someone isn't always being played in the affair relationship. But yeah, obviously it's awful for the partner being cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Well. She IS being used. One way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Well. She IS being used. One way or another.

No. She's not. She's getting what she wants just like he's getting what he wants. You have some seriously messed up beliefs.