S/O How do you justify having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Rather than doing the respectable thing and properly ending your marriage first? Obviously it’s driven by selfishness: not wanting to lose access to your kids, having to give up some money, and no longer being able to carry on the “family man/woman” image. If your AP is single you’re likely giving them false hope, and if they’re also married you’re both scumbags.

How do you live with yourself?

[Anonymous]

After years of trying to get my spouse to participate in a real and satisfying sex life, I outsourced.

I lived with myself by noting that I shouldn't have to lose my kids and finances, and if it ever got discovered, I am in the same place as I would be if we just divorced since we are no-fault.

Is this that hard to understand even if you don't agree with it?

[Anonymous]

This is the umpteenth post in the past 24 hours regarding cheating. I don't know if you've been burned recently, are ruminating about cheating or if you are a prolific cheating posts troll, but please give it a rest.

[Anonymous]

Instead of obsessing about "cheating", get a hobby.

[Anonymous]

You look for small and insignificant slights by your spouse.

You create conflict with your spouse and ensure those situations get out of hand.

Over a matter of 3 months you can create a completely toxic and abusive Marty.

You then use that as an excuse for “having an affair” and you tell the OW and your friends and family about your toxic marriage.

[Anonymous]

I haven't had an affair, but I will say that divorce is hard for kids, so not wanting one probably isn't totally a selfish thing. I would say that the respectable thing isn't ending the marriage but just not having an affair in the first place. By the time you have an affair you've already screwed everyone over, including your kids by jeopardizing their stability.

I think a lot of people are just bad at relationships and instead of realizing that, they think their partner is at fault or their circumstances are at fault. Instead of investing in the relationship (perhaps by finally confronting their demons), they go elsewhere. They stay in their comfort zone.

[Anonymous]

Marriage not Marty

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of trying to get my spouse to participate in a real and satisfying sex life, I outsourced.

I lived with myself by noting that I shouldn't have to lose my kids and finances, and if it ever got discovered, I am in the same place as I would be if we just divorced since we are no-fault.

Is this that hard to understand even if you don't agree with it?

Yes! I’m actually fairly agnostic on monogamy and understand there are all sorts of marriages, but you’re definitely a scum bag. You’re keeping your wife in a marriage you’ve already left behind her back. It’s sort of incredible that you could be like this and still care about your kids but I guess biology is a wild ride.

[Anonymous]

I think my dh would say he thought he was happily married and would never want a divorce but that he could split off this part of himself and compartmentalize and not think about the damage to me, kids and him. It was a way for him feeling validated as he went through a very bad time in his life. He regrets the time he lost to taking control of his life in a better way as well as the pain he inflicted.

[Anonymous]

I can answer that question in two words: antidepressant medication.

[Anonymous]

Because it's my life.

[Anonymous]

Wow.

If you are half as nutty as you come across in this post, the cheating is understandable. Doesn’t make it right, just understandable..

[Anonymous]

I felt trapped and unheard/uncared for in my marriage and felt little loyalty to my spouse do to his actions/lack of actions.

I just didn't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rather than doing the respectable thing and properly ending your marriage first? Obviously it’s driven by selfishness: not wanting to lose access to your kids, having to give up some money, and no longer being able to carry on the “family man/woman” image. If your AP is single you’re likely giving them false hope, and if they’re also married you’re both scumbags.

How do you live with yourself?

I'm super anti-cheating, having been betrayed myself. It's very traumatic.

That said, your post is very leading and unlikely to receive good faith contributions.

[Anonymous]

Mommy issues