S/O How do you justify having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about just being bored and wanting to have great sex again?

I am sure that's a lot of it, but OP wants some admission that cheaters are evil and such and motivated by a super human drive to destroy people and also hate their kids because think of the children.

A basic tenet of marriage - unless explicitly discussed otherwise - is forsaking all others. To lie (continuously) to your spouse is a betrayal of trust, as is schtupping someone else. You’re putting your spouse, your kids, and yourself at grave risk. Heard about AP’s trying to hurt/kill the family of their lover? Or their lover themselves? Or the spouse of an AP doing so?

If your spouse finds out, there’s no coming back from that. Not to say you can’t have a marriage still, but it will never, ever be the same. Your kids will look at you differently. There is such tremendous risk to cheating that seems very underestimated.

Technically true, although couples also pledge till death do us part and church marriages bring the Lord and all that anti divorce stuff into play.

Humans are messy and I guess I am not as surprised as you are that the biological drive to procreate in the most non monogamous way which has kept our species alive for a couple hundred thousand years might at some point over a 40 year marriage overcome the more rational thought that you really shouldn't cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Of course, there isn’t one answer. I do think a lot of women posters are fooling themselves with this talk of unaddressed family trauma. I get the desire to understand why. A lot of time it is pure entitlement and compartmentalization. They don’t justify or rationalize their behavior because they are not thinking about YOU at all. They think it’s a private indulgence: if no one knows, no one is hurt. Akin to drive-thru fast food when your wife knows you’re hypertensive or gambling too much on a Vegas weekend with the boys, or watching porn in the basement.
Consider how little actual sex occurs in a typical affair. There is typically more emailing/texting than anything else. As soon as the affair starts to encroach on real life, many will end it: chalk it up to a mid-life crisis and not repeat. Others are just serial cheaters.

Absolutely this - BS about unaddressed trauma is an excuse. Anyone can claim to have that. I was on the other side of this as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about just being bored and wanting to have great sex again?

I am sure that's a lot of it, but OP wants some admission that cheaters are evil and such and motivated by a super human drive to destroy people and also hate their kids because think of the children.

+1. Could definitely see this. Spouse is great and I haven't cheated but I could definitely see the alure of some excitement.

[Anonymous]

Not excusing the act at all—though I think when resentment builds to a point of no return and the conversations have taken place like I need xyz and it falls on deaf ears I can see how one might feel trapped. If you’re in a dead marriage or have some sort of issue trying to escape or feel alive, desired could be appealing. I don’t think they really think about the fallout or justify the end game at all they are being selfish and just thinking about how can they feel better or get what they need even if it is somewhere else. Then you have people who are happy in their marriage and do it anyway for the thrill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing the act at all—though I think when resentment builds to a point of no return and the conversations have taken place like I need xyz and it falls on deaf ears I can see how one might feel trapped. If you’re in a dead marriage or have some sort of issue trying to escape or feel alive, desired could be appealing. I don’t think they really think about the fallout or justify the end game at all they are being selfish and just thinking about how can they feel better or get what they need even if it is somewhere else. Then you have people who are happy in their marriage and do it anyway for the thrill.

Agree with the above, but I’ll add after your last sentence that also some are happy in their marriage but not with themselves- during a crisis of self with poor coping skills.

[Anonymous]

They weren’t raised right. Somewhere along the line they learned this could be an option. Weak character with poor morals. Lying and going behind someone’s back.

I know cheaters like to say “oh you don’t know, everyone’s capable of it, blah, blah, blah”, but that is just false. I have had every opportunity under the sun to cheat. I have been cheated on—and not once did I ever consider doing it. To the point, I’ve removed myself from a situation, declined an invitation, cut off or pulled back when it felt like an opposite sex friendship was getting too “friendly”. In one instance, I thought of the wife and made a point to see it through her eyes.

This isn’t self-righteous. It’s just a fact. Some of us have an honesty and integrity that even if we are unhappy in a relationship or not having needs met we wouldn’t resort to cheating. Ever. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing the act at all—though I think when resentment builds to a point of no return and the conversations have taken place like I need xyz and it falls on deaf ears I can see how one might feel trapped. If you’re in a dead marriage or have some sort of issue trying to escape or feel alive, desired could be appealing. I don’t think they really think about the fallout or justify the end game at all they are being selfish and just thinking about how can they feel better or get what they need even if it is somewhere else. Then you have people who are happy in their marriage and do it anyway for the thrill.

NP here. I think it’s important for women especially to realize that when you get involved with a married man, chances are he’s only using you for marriage life support. He doesn’t want to divorce his wife (who won’t leave him, either). He just needs an outlet because she lost interest, gained weight, hen pecks too much… you, the AP, will provide the breath of fresh air he needs before going back under again. Especially if you’re younger. Just, don’t, do, it. He’s coming after you because he’s too much of a coward, and too poor, to get out if his situation. Tell him to hire someone to get him through his rough patches. And wives, please stop attributing the bad behavior to previous trauma. He’s one letter off- he loves his life, not his wife. He doesn’t want to end up in a trailer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They weren’t raised right. Somewhere along the line they learned this could be an option. Weak character with poor morals. Lying and going behind someone’s back.

I know cheaters like to say “oh you don’t know, everyone’s capable of it, blah, blah, blah”, but that is just false. I have had every opportunity under the sun to cheat. I have been cheated on—and not once did I ever consider doing it. To the point, I’ve removed myself from a situation, declined an invitation, cut off or pulled back when it felt like an opposite sex friendship was getting too “friendly”. In one instance, I thought of the wife and made a point to see it through her eyes.

This isn’t self-righteous. It’s just a fact. Some of us have an honesty and integrity that even if we are unhappy in a relationship or not having needs met we wouldn’t resort to cheating. Ever. Period.

Agree. I’m the kind of person that could not live with myself if I cheated. It would eat me up inside. That’s why I don’t even find it an option or even appealing. Marriage to me is- I’m all in for life. 23 years later with rough patches and iOS and downs- this just wasn’t even on the table. I dealt with those things in an honest manner. I find comfort in other things, went to therapy, etc. I didn’t open my legs and run into someone else’s arms or get online to start chatting up randos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing the act at all—though I think when resentment builds to a point of no return and the conversations have taken place like I need xyz and it falls on deaf ears I can see how one might feel trapped. If you’re in a dead marriage or have some sort of issue trying to escape or feel alive, desired could be appealing. I don’t think they really think about the fallout or justify the end game at all they are being selfish and just thinking about how can they feel better or get what they need even if it is somewhere else. Then you have people who are happy in their marriage and do it anyway for the thrill.

NP here. I think it’s important for women especially to realize that when you get involved with a married man, chances are he’s only using you for marriage life support. He doesn’t want to divorce his wife (who won’t leave him, either). He just needs an outlet because she lost interest, gained weight, hen pecks too much… you, the AP, will provide the breath of fresh air he needs before going back under again. Especially if you’re younger. Just, don’t, do, it. He’s coming after you because he’s too much of a coward, and too poor, to get out if his situation. Tell him to hire someone to get him through his rough patches. And wives, please stop attributing the bad behavior to previous trauma. He’s one letter off- he loves his life, not his wife. He doesn’t want to end up in a trailer.

Agree. I’ll add, most of the wives I know that through this were much more attractive and fit than the women the men cheated with. It’s not about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They weren’t raised right. Somewhere along the line they learned this could be an option. Weak character with poor morals. Lying and going behind someone’s back.

I know cheaters like to say “oh you don’t know, everyone’s capable of it, blah, blah, blah”, but that is just false. I have had every opportunity under the sun to cheat. I have been cheated on—and not once did I ever consider doing it. To the point, I’ve removed myself from a situation, declined an invitation, cut off or pulled back when it felt like an opposite sex friendship was getting too “friendly”. In one instance, I thought of the wife and made a point to see it through her eyes.

This isn’t self-righteous. It’s just a fact. Some of us have an honesty and integrity that even if we are unhappy in a relationship or not having needs met we wouldn’t resort to cheating. Ever. Period.

Imagine being middle aged and still thinking in such simplistic terms and having no understanding of human complexities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing the act at all—though I think when resentment builds to a point of no return and the conversations have taken place like I need xyz and it falls on deaf ears I can see how one might feel trapped. If you’re in a dead marriage or have some sort of issue trying to escape or feel alive, desired could be appealing. I don’t think they really think about the fallout or justify the end game at all they are being selfish and just thinking about how can they feel better or get what they need even if it is somewhere else. Then you have people who are happy in their marriage and do it anyway for the thrill.

NP here. I think it’s important for women especially to realize that when you get involved with a married man, chances are he’s only using you for marriage life support. He doesn’t want to divorce his wife (who won’t leave him, either). He just needs an outlet because she lost interest, gained weight, hen pecks too much… you, the AP, will provide the breath of fresh air he needs before going back under again. Especially if you’re younger. Just, don’t, do, it. He’s coming after you because he’s too much of a coward, and too poor, to get out if his situation. Tell him to hire someone to get him through his rough patches. And wives, please stop attributing the bad behavior to previous trauma. He’s one letter off- he loves his life, not his wife. He doesn’t want to end up in a trailer.

Agree. I’ll add, most of the wives I know that through this were much more attractive and fit than the women the men cheated with. It’s not about that.

Yeah the other op has the stereotype that’s just wrong. The hen peck/nag also a false narrative so much of the time. The wife can be perfectly wonderful and they build up all these scenarios to justify cheating, when none of that was really happening. Usually before they cheat their behavior at home becomes awful as they start to pull away yo allow themselves to do this and feel justified about it. Often, the ones being the critical/nagging a-holes are the ones about to cheat or already are so they push buttons at home and instigate so they can throw up their hands and think “she made me do this”. And women cheaters do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing the act at all—though I think when resentment builds to a point of no return and the conversations have taken place like I need xyz and it falls on deaf ears I can see how one might feel trapped. If you’re in a dead marriage or have some sort of issue trying to escape or feel alive, desired could be appealing. I don’t think they really think about the fallout or justify the end game at all they are being selfish and just thinking about how can they feel better or get what they need even if it is somewhere else. Then you have people who are happy in their marriage and do it anyway for the thrill.

NP here. I think it’s important for women especially to realize that when you get involved with a married man, chances are he’s only using you for marriage life support. He doesn’t want to divorce his wife (who won’t leave him, either). He just needs an outlet because she lost interest, gained weight, hen pecks too much… you, the AP, will provide the breath of fresh air he needs before going back under again. Especially if you’re younger. Just, don’t, do, it. He’s coming after you because he’s too much of a coward, and too poor, to get out if his situation. Tell him to hire someone to get him through his rough patches. And wives, please stop attributing the bad behavior to previous trauma. He’s one letter off- he loves his life, not his wife. He doesn’t want to end up in a trailer.

I think you have a misconception that women who cheat are single and looking to lure a man out of marriage. Woman also need novelty and a "breath of fresh air".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They weren’t raised right. Somewhere along the line they learned this could be an option. Weak character with poor morals. Lying and going behind someone’s back.

I know cheaters like to say “oh you don’t know, everyone’s capable of it, blah, blah, blah”, but that is just false. I have had every opportunity under the sun to cheat. I have been cheated on—and not once did I ever consider doing it. To the point, I’ve removed myself from a situation, declined an invitation, cut off or pulled back when it felt like an opposite sex friendship was getting too “friendly”. In one instance, I thought of the wife and made a point to see it through her eyes.

This isn’t self-righteous. It’s just a fact. Some of us have an honesty and integrity that even if we are unhappy in a relationship or not having needs met we wouldn’t resort to cheating. Ever. Period.

Imagine being middle aged and still thinking in such simplistic terms and having no understanding of human complexities.

Oh give me a break. Here comes the cheater apologists.

I’m sure you can’t imagine teaching middle age with your integrity intact. That’s a mind-blowing concept for someone like you.

[Anonymous]

Because you lost all respect for your spouse and don't mind hurting him/her. Because you do not care for your children and you don't mind hurting them.

That is the only two reasoning for justifying an affair. Many people do not have an affair (and temptations are always there because we are human beings with eyes) because they are married or because they have kids. Perhaps they have spouses they are not attracted to, but they still do not want to hurt them. Perhaps their kids are brats but they still do not want to hurt them.

When married people reach a stage that they cannot stand their spouses...they should divorce. Really, divorce the spouse and start new. Don't have affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They weren’t raised right. Somewhere along the line they learned this could be an option. Weak character with poor morals. Lying and going behind someone’s back.

I know cheaters like to say “oh you don’t know, everyone’s capable of it, blah, blah, blah”, but that is just false. I have had every opportunity under the sun to cheat. I have been cheated on—and not once did I ever consider doing it. To the point, I’ve removed myself from a situation, declined an invitation, cut off or pulled back when it felt like an opposite sex friendship was getting too “friendly”. In one instance, I thought of the wife and made a point to see it through her eyes.

This isn’t self-righteous. It’s just a fact. Some of us have an honesty and integrity that even if we are unhappy in a relationship or not having needs met we wouldn’t resort to cheating. Ever. Period.

You have empathy and self-awareness. It’s shown it’s something cheaters lack.