S/O How do you justify having an affair?

[Anonymous]

I think most people justify it by putting themselves in the victim position: spouse is denying me X (love, affection, sex) which I deserve, hence I can get it elsewhere. There is usually passivity as well as entitlement and maybe a sense of desperation/impatience.

[Anonymous]

What about just being bored and wanting to have great sex again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about just being bored and wanting to have [] sex again?

[Anonymous]

After years of trying to get my spouse to participate in a real and satisfying sex life, I outsourced.

I lived with myself by noting that I shouldn't have to lose my kids and finances, and if it ever got discovered, I am in the same place as I would be if we just divorced since we are no-fault.

Is this that hard to understand even if you don't agree with it?

NP. It is hard for me to understand how your risk/reward analysis focused on yourself only. Your spouse (and probably your kids, because at some point they will find out) would surely be more traumatized by the cheating and then divorce more than a clean break. Your spouse thinks they are in a monogamous marriage, and if they find out you cheat it upends their world and makes them question everything. At a minimum, your spouse would not be in a healthy place to parent. Have you not considered anything but your own viewpoint?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rather than doing the respectable thing and properly ending your marriage first? Obviously it’s driven by selfishness: not wanting to lose access to your kids, having to give up some money, and no longer being able to carry on the “family man/woman” image. If your AP is single you’re likely giving them false hope, and if they’re also married you’re both scumbags.

How do you live with yourself?

Doesn't seem like you are looking to solicit thoughtful feedback. Scorned woman, I assume?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of trying to get my spouse to participate in a real and satisfying sex life, I outsourced.

I lived with myself by noting that I shouldn't have to lose my kids and finances, and if it ever got discovered, I am in the same place as I would be if we just divorced since we are no-fault.

Is this that hard to understand even if you don't agree with it?

I am living this right now. I am the DW in the situation. Just found my husband's third affair. He always wanted more sex than me. after DC1, sex declined of course. while DC was still a baby, i was still nursing, DH started his first affair. Sex declined even further after that. Then some years later, with 2 kids now, the 2nd affair occurred. again, b/c he wants more sex than i give him. so as a result.... our sex life declines even further. so now we're at affair number 3.

and do the question on the top of the thread, how do you justify it? my DH says what this PP says, and also claims sex addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After years of trying to get my spouse to participate in a real and satisfying sex life, I outsourced.

I lived with myself by noting that I shouldn't have to lose my kids and finances, and if it ever got discovered, I am in the same place as I would be if we just divorced since we are no-fault.

Is this that hard to understand even if you don't agree with it?

I am living this right now. I am the DW in the situation. Just found my husband's third affair. He always wanted more sex than me. after DC1, sex declined of course. while DC was still a baby, i was still nursing, DH started his first affair. Sex declined even further after that. Then some years later, with 2 kids now, the 2nd affair occurred. again, b/c he wants more sex than i give him. so as a result.... our sex life declines even further. so now we're at affair number 3.

and do the question on the top of the thread, how do you justify it? my DH says what this PP says, and also claims sex addiction.

Right, I think that “I tried!” only means they showed a desire to have sex without really and truly caring about the sex life and well-being of their partner. They don’t read any books, they don’t talk to a therapist, they just see actual reasons why sex might decline as excuses. And the idea that having an affair means it’s no worse off *for you* and you want to keep your money really shows the true selfishness of those people. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Not everyone sees “cheating” as black and white as you do. Everyone’s marriage is different, and I don’t think that cheating is the worst thing someone can do to a partner. Can you imagine that other people have different priorities and thoughts than you?

[Anonymous]

Of course, there isn’t one answer. I do think a lot of women posters are fooling themselves with this talk of unaddressed family trauma. I get the desire to understand why. A lot of time it is pure entitlement and compartmentalization. They don’t justify or rationalize their behavior because they are not thinking about YOU at all. They think it’s a private indulgence: if no one knows, no one is hurt. Akin to drive-thru fast food when your wife knows you’re hypertensive or gambling too much on a Vegas weekend with the boys, or watching porn in the basement.
Consider how little actual sex occurs in a typical affair. There is typically more emailing/texting than anything else. As soon as the affair starts to encroach on real life, many will end it: chalk it up to a mid-life crisis and not repeat. Others are just serial cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my dh would say he thought he was happily married and would never want a divorce but that he could split off this part of himself and compartmentalize and not think about the damage to me, kids and him. It was a way for him feeling validated as he went through a very bad time in his life. He regrets the time he lost to taking control of his life in a better way as well as the pain he inflicted.

+1

That’s what I did. Turns out I should have addressed my issues in therapy and avoided the trauma I caused to my wife who certainly didn’t deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Of course, there isn’t one answer. I do think a lot of women posters are fooling themselves with this talk of unaddressed family trauma. I get the desire to understand why. A lot of time it is pure entitlement and compartmentalization. They don’t justify or rationalize their behavior because they are not thinking about YOU at all. They think it’s a private indulgence: if no one knows, no one is hurt. Akin to drive-thru fast food when your wife knows you’re hypertensive or gambling too much on a Vegas weekend with the boys, or watching porn in the basement.
Consider how little actual sex occurs in a typical affair. There is typically more emailing/texting than anything else. As soon as the affair starts to encroach on real life, many will end it: chalk it up to a mid-life crisis and not repeat. Others are just serial cheaters.

I agree. My husband had the lion’s share of dysfunctional upbringing and awful parents, alcohol, cheating, neglect, divorce, etc.

But in midlife he was depressed and thought “if she never finds out it won’t hurt her. I’m taking precautions and it’s nobody near by”.

Turns out they can’t handle the stress of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After years of trying to get my spouse to participate in a real and satisfying sex life, I outsourced.

I lived with myself by noting that I shouldn't have to lose my kids and finances, and if it ever got discovered, I am in the same place as I would be if we just divorced since we are no-fault.

Is this that hard to understand even if you don't agree with it?

I am living this right now. I am the DW in the situation. Just found my husband's third affair. He always wanted more sex than me. after DC1, sex declined of course. while DC was still a baby, i was still nursing, DH started his first affair. Sex declined even further after that. Then some years later, with 2 kids now, the 2nd affair occurred. again, b/c he wants more sex than i give him. so as a result.... our sex life declines even further. so now we're at affair number 3.

and do the question on the top of the thread, how do you justify it? my DH says what this PP says, and also claims sex addiction.

PP, 3rd affair? Why are you staying with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

After years of trying to get my spouse to participate in a real and satisfying sex life, I outsourced.

I lived with myself by noting that I shouldn't have to lose my kids and finances, and if it ever got discovered, I am in the same place as I would be if we just divorced since we are no-fault.

Is this that hard to understand even if you don't agree with it?

NP. It is hard for me to understand how your risk/reward analysis focused on yourself only. Your spouse (and probably your kids, because at some point they will find out) would surely be more traumatized by the cheating and then divorce more than a clean break. Your spouse thinks they are in a monogamous marriage, and if they find out you cheat it upends their world and makes them question everything. At a minimum, your spouse would not be in a healthy place to parent. Have you not considered anything but your own viewpoint?

Pp you are responding to. Let me put it in super simple terms.

I was very, very lonely and desperate for affection. I also love my kids and my life and it wasn't worth divorcing. So I gave in to the longing that my spouse left open by denying affection and refusing to go to therapy to address it.

I know you are 💯% certain you would never ever do something to betray your spouses trust and would always take the high road and rationally divorce. You are a better person than me. I mean it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about just being bored and wanting to have great sex again?

I am sure that's a lot of it, but OP wants some admission that cheaters are evil and such and motivated by a super human drive to destroy people and also hate their kids because think of the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about just being bored and wanting to have great sex again?

I am sure that's a lot of it, but OP wants some admission that cheaters are evil and such and motivated by a super human drive to destroy people and also hate their kids because think of the children.

A basic tenet of marriage - unless explicitly discussed otherwise - is forsaking all others. To lie (continuously) to your spouse is a betrayal of trust, as is schtupping someone else. You’re putting your spouse, your kids, and yourself at grave risk. Heard about AP’s trying to hurt/kill the family of their lover? Or their lover themselves? Or the spouse of an AP doing so?

If your spouse finds out, there’s no coming back from that. Not to say you can’t have a marriage still, but it will never, ever be the same. Your kids will look at you differently. There is such tremendous risk to cheating that seems very underestimated.