Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am divorced. [b]Adults don't need to justify decisions to children.[/b] Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.[/quote]
They do when said decisions directly affect the children.[/quote]
Nope. [/quote] 
This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.[/quote]

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing. [/quote]

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional. [/quote]

No, a divorce is nobody else’s business. Don’t bleed in public.[/quote]

NP.  This is such a strange reply.  Divorce affects kids and so it makes sense to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way.  You don’t want them to find out from someone else or to blame themselves for the divorce.  Why take that chance?[/quote]

Privacy and secrets are two different things. Families who keep secrets about infidelity and divorce aren’t healthy at all. People who experience their spouse being unfaithful and the resulting divorce are allowed to speak about it.

Posting screeds on facebook and loudly and constantly denigrating a cheating spouse to anyone and everyone under the sun makes you look unhinged. However, it’s your life, too. You should not have to keep secrets for someone who hurt you and broke up your family. Trust and truth are important. The cheater broke trust within the marriage, and then wants to claim the mantle of secrecy. What a toxic nightmare to present to your kids. [/quote]

Your children deserve to be protected where they can and they are healthier when they have a healthy relationship with both parents. You want permission to set the world on fire because you were hurt. But all of us kids of divorce won’t give it to you because we all know that the parent you’re describing yourself as is frequently actually more harmful to the kid in the long run because your bitterness and anger lasts for years and stretches the child’s trauma.

And you know what you’re right that is not fair. It’s not fair that the parent that didn’t cheat has the onus on them to be the bigger person. But it not being fair doesn’t change the situation. Life isn’t fair and you have to play the hand you’re dealt as well as you can. Generally people in this situation chose to have kids and it is an abdication of that duty to decide your rage should be prioritized over their needs.[/quote]

How do you equate truth and honesty with rage?

[/quote]

Unnecessary hurtful truth provided in anger is for the teller not the receiver

1) Your dad and I are not in love and so we cannot be married anymore but we both love you and care about you and  that will continue no matter what 
2) You’re dad cheated on me so I’m leaving him and we’ll have to figure out how to move on in some way
3) You’re dad had 15 women in my bed wearing my clothes and I hate him and now we’re getting divorced

All three of those sentences could be true in the same situation. Only one is focused on the well being of the child. 2 is not as bad as 3 but it’s still about your need for them to know that to, I assume, hold the other parent accountable in some way, rather than focus on what they need to know. [/quote]

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