When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m didn’t keep my cheating ex’s secrets for him. Why should I have? We both moved on. At this point, no one cares, but I wasn’t willing to cover up the harm he caused our family at the time to smooth things over for him. The pain he caused me was real and for a period of time it was more than I could carry alone.

Tell your therapists, friends or your family. Your children should never be your confidants or help you when “your pain is more than you can carry alone”.

I think she means, family, friends, in-laws.

When the lights are turned on the cheaters scatter like cock roaches, horrified people know their truth. Most have cultivated their outer persona to appear wonderful, charitable and full of integrity,,,real family man/women.

This thread is about telling children. If they meant friends, family etc, then it would have been clear in the post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Lots of men cheat who have active sex lives with their wives.

I am sure that's true. I think the problem with pulling your kids into parents drama is that sometimes one partner is neglected and while cheating shouldn't happen, it's more understandable if one was abandoned. Which is why I wouldnt think it wise to make your kid your therapist

Some people cheat because they cannot handle the emotional intimacy of an active sex life, and family life, with their spouse. Sometimes the spouse who is committed to the marriage and is engaged with the other spouse is the neglected one. The non-cheating spouse does not know that the cheating spouse has pulled away in secret; that's why it's cheating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m didn’t keep my cheating ex’s secrets for him. Why should I have? We both moved on. At this point, no one cares, but I wasn’t willing to cover up the harm he caused our family at the time to smooth things over for him. The pain he caused me was real and for a period of time it was more than I could carry alone.

Tell your therapists, friends or your family. Your children should never be your confidants or help you when “your pain is more than you can carry alone”.

Spoken like a true cheater. The kids always find out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m didn’t keep my cheating ex’s secrets for him. Why should I have? We both moved on. At this point, no one cares, but I wasn’t willing to cover up the harm he caused our family at the time to smooth things over for him. The pain he caused me was real and for a period of time it was more than I could carry alone.

Tell your therapists, friends or your family. Your children should never be your confidants or help you when “your pain is more than you can carry alone”.

Spoken like a true cheater. The kids always find out.

Nope, never cheated. Just someone who knows that children should never carry the burden of their parents. Sad you never learned that. Your poor children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m didn’t keep my cheating ex’s secrets for him. Why should I have? We both moved on. At this point, no one cares, but I wasn’t willing to cover up the harm he caused our family at the time to smooth things over for him. The pain he caused me was real and for a period of time it was more than I could carry alone.

Tell your therapists, friends or your family. Your children should never be your confidants or help you when “your pain is more than you can carry alone”.

Spoken like a true cheater. The kids always find out.

Nope, never cheated. Just someone who knows that children should never carry the burden of their parents. Sad you never learned that. Your poor children.

Not that PP, but I think your kids are way worse off than the other PPs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m didn’t keep my cheating ex’s secrets for him. Why should I have? We both moved on. At this point, no one cares, but I wasn’t willing to cover up the harm he caused our family at the time to smooth things over for him. The pain he caused me was real and for a period of time it was more than I could carry alone.

Tell your therapists, friends or your family. Your children should never be your confidants or help you when “your pain is more than you can carry alone”.

Spoken like a true cheater. The kids always find out.

Nope, never cheated. Just someone who knows that children should never carry the burden of their parents. Sad you never learned that. Your poor children.

Not that PP, but I think your kids are way worse off than the other PPs.

Sure sure. Making your kids be your confidant absolutely leads to healthy balanced kids. 100% You should write a parenting book with that amazing advice.

[Anonymous]

My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

OMFG with the victim blaming! Cheating is ALWAYS aired in the end. The kids always figure it out one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m didn’t keep my cheating ex’s secrets for him. Why should I have? We both moved on. At this point, no one cares, but I wasn’t willing to cover up the harm he caused our family at the time to smooth things over for him. The pain he caused me was real and for a period of time it was more than I could carry alone.

Tell your therapists, friends or your family. Your children should never be your confidants or help you when “your pain is more than you can carry alone”.

Spoken like a true cheater. The kids always find out.

Nope, never cheated. Just someone who knows that children should never carry the burden of their parents. Sad you never learned that. Your poor children.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t cheaters put their kids first and not cheat on their partner, and avoid putting their family through pain and emotional trauma? Why is the onus of “putting the kids first” shifted to the non-cheating spouse?

Two wrongs don’t make a right, and in this case your obligation to your kid should be more important than your desire to harm/be righteous toward the spouse that harmed you

- not a cheater

+1 Amen

(Also not a cheater)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Telling your kids dad or mom had an affair and doesn't love me the same way they used to is healthy and true and much better than harboring resentment for years

It’s about the kids. Not your resentment as the priority.

I don't hide from my kids bad things that happen in life. I don't pretend anything for them. Idon't want them to think we split up for any old reason. That's not fair to the marriage or to their feeling of security. I don't make a big deal of it, but I also don't hide it. How surprising that cheaters think hiding cheating is a solution. Stop hiding things and being sneaky and maybe people will have more respect for you.

Lots of us aren't cheaters, we're the children of divorced people who put us in the middle of their crap for our whole freaking lives.

Well you seem to be doing the same thing you are telling your mom or dad not to do. Being bitter. Get over it then. Tell your truth. You were hurt by the divorce or the bad talk or whatever you felt towards other people and get on with it. It will free you. You were not responsible for their actions. You also don't own their actions and feelings so stop asking them to have the same feelings as you. They don't. They are people with their own faults and feelings and you don't need to be accountable to them or expect them or yourself to be perfect. Some things particularly infidelity are unfixable. That's why people were stoned to death and it's actually an at-fault reason for divorce. People do not need to hold onto the secrets of others - period.

I am over it. But I had a crappy childhood and I don't really care about you, but your kids, or the kids in families like this. Because kids can't dump their parents for being pieces of crap until they turn 18. And when you mess people up in their formative years, sometimes they actually have more physiological reasons they can't move on.

So I give this message to try to help other kids, not because I'm hanging onto it. But because I correctly recall my experience, and correctly assess it as bad, and accurately view posters here talk about how they are perpetuating the same harms on other children.

Oh and I haven't posted since this last thing you responded to, so I believe there are THREE of us, none of whom are cheaters, but all who have experience with divorce and subsequent dysfunction, telling you you're being awful.

You are a messed up adult. Stop giving advice.

There are three of us. The PP is nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and her aunt were sexually abused by a family member when they were young. When they started seeking therapy as adults and chose to name their abuser, I was shocked by how many people in the family were FURIOUS with them for airing dirty laundry, not thinking about how it would impact others, not just getting over it, etc.

Abusers and dysfunctional people are fine with continuing the cycle of shame, secret keeping, denial, and gaslighting. It’s what they know, it’s what they are comfortable with. People who were raised this way will continue is the cycle.

The kids can’t be protected from something that already occurred. The cheating already took place. Their lives have been massively altered. The damage already happened. Stop blaming the victim for putting a name to the event that caused the damage.

Lunacy. No wonder there are so many messed up adults. The mentality of treating children like adults and putting adult burdens on them is absolutely insane. These kids stand no chance to grow up and be healthy adults with your beliefs.

OMFG with the victim blaming! Cheating is ALWAYS aired in the end. The kids always figure it out one way or another.

There’s no victim blaming in the post, it’s speaking to the abstract. That you apply the scenario to your behavior is pretty telling. Clearly you have inappropriately burdened your kids, there’s no other reason for the ratcheting hysterics. Get help - your posts are filled with rage and pretty scary at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. Adults don't need to justify decisions to children. Nor should they know what their parents marital problems are or were. We are not compatible and it was the wrong decision to get married is enough of a reason. We grew apart is valid, too, and true in many cases. I am not immature. My dad put is marital problems on me. It is wrong to do that to kids. A child is not your therapist. If you want to tell people, tell your friend or a therapist. Don't be immature. Kids don't need it. It is unnecessary and worse than the original offense. Adult business is adult business. Keep it that way.

They do when said decisions directly affect the children.

Nope.

This kind of attitude is why i haven't spoken to my parents in 10 years, they withheld information from me that i would have used to decide who i would to live with.

With whom your father or mother cheated with, how and when, has nothing to do with who you decide to live with. You were a child! I do not understand letting children know. Children do not need to know the reason for everything little thing.

DP. Are you always like this? This comment seems outright delusional.

No, a divorce is nobody else’s business. Don’t bleed in public.

NP. This is such a strange reply. Divorce affects kids and so it makes sense to tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. You don’t want them to find out from someone else or to blame themselves for the divorce. Why take that chance?

Children do not need details. It is not age appropriate. Whether there is cheating or not. Period. And do not air your dirty laundry in public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t cheaters put their kids first and not cheat on their partner, and avoid putting their family through pain and emotional trauma? Why is the onus of “putting the kids first” shifted to the non-cheating spouse?

Two wrongs don’t make a right, and in this case your obligation to your kid should be more important than your desire to harm/be righteous toward the spouse that harmed you

- not a cheater

+1 Amen

(Also not a cheater)

+2