I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continued…wait a minute, if your husband is not working I am sure that he is doing all of the moping, sweeping, guest room prep, bathroom cleaning etc so you can relax a bit while you meal prep….right?

DP.

You hit the nail in the head. It's amazing how people on this board are so careless with family members and then they start threads complaining g about how grandparents don't spend time with grandkids.

OP has transfered her DH problem to his parents. So the guy can get all of the items you listed done on the previous day. Or Op can hire help to clean up this once. It's cheaper than feeling guilty on Christmas eve and having your in laws feeling insulted. She could have told her DH to get the room ready the day before and them take the inlaws out when they get there. Or she could put a TV in the guest room and make DH spend time with them in there.

There are a million other options than the one OP chose. I have pretty bad eyesight and I do not drive at night. If i can avoid it, I don't drive in traffic either because it's so stressful( bad eyesightin day time as well). If my DIL told me to come much later, I would offer to cook some of the food at my house before I came over. And I am pretty sure OP would complain too her Inlaws started bringing food over.whole thing sounds so absurd.

I am in my thirties, and I cannot imagine telling someone not to come too early on Christmas eve of all days. I would rather not cook and other junk than be that ridiculous. What was Op expecting? Them to say "OK see you at 5 boss." You got what you deserved with your thoughtlessness.

This is a very self-absorbed post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

DP. Why are so hateful and malicious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

It's not worth it. Just as you wish MIL would have said " thats totally fine, MIL wishes you would have asked her for help cooking .You need help prepping for Christmas. And instead of asking your FIL and MIL to chip in, you get rid of them while you are prepping. I can imagine your tone while you were going back and forth with them( yes, it's obvious from this statement about FIL watching loud TV while you are prepping).

It's unusual to tell close family members not to come too early. It's actually more common to ask them for help. In my family, everyone chips in with a meal or drinks or cleaning up,/prepping if they arrive when the food and hosts are not done.

Perhaps you are cooking more than you should. Perhaps your DH is a lazy bum. You should have tried making adjustments in these areas before pulling this option only to feel guilty and have your in laws feeling offended as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

DP. Why are so hateful and malicious?

I am pretty sure MIL is asking the same thing about OP right now. I mean, who tells their DH's parents not to come to early on Christmas eve?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

Hosting isn’t your thing. Next time just invite then for Christmas day dinner or go
To their house. You don’t seem to have kids so traveling to them should be easy.

I do have kids (is this whole website not for moms?) 6 and 8
I actually love hosting but it’s v stressful when the guests are the ones who decide when and how long they are with you for

NP, but no, it genuinely doesn’t feel like you enjoy hosting. You have communicated to your in laws that they are a burden and make you uncomfortable and you can’t relax around them. That’s the opposite of being a welcoming person. All your FIL does is watch loud TV - so what? Yea, sounds annoying, but the point of hosting isn’t just to have people act as little dolls for your dinner party fantasy. It’s to be welcoming to people. What if your in laws are just lonely and want some hustle-bustle on Xmas, instead of sitting alone all day til their appointed time to arrive? I really think you should’ve just told them you’re too tired to host.

OP, read this over and over again. This PP gave you all you need to read on this thread. Think deeply about the bolded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

DP. Why are so hateful and malicious?

I am pretty sure MIL is asking the same thing about OP right now. I mean, who tells their DH's parents not to come to early on Christmas eve?

Someone who needs a little time to hem selves to prepare give everything she is doing to keep her family afloat. The guilty-tripping going on here over OP daring to take care of herself for a few hours is manipulative and abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

It's not worth it. Just as you wish MIL would have said " thats totally fine, MIL wishes you would have asked her for help cooking .You need help prepping for Christmas. And instead of asking your FIL and MIL to chip in, you get rid of them while you are prepping. I can imagine your tone while you were going back and forth with them( yes, it's obvious from this statement about FIL watching loud TV while you are prepping).

It's unusual to tell close family members not to come too early. It's actually more common to ask them for help. In my family, everyone chips in with a meal or drinks or cleaning up,/prepping if they arrive when the food and hosts are not done.

Perhaps you are cooking more than you should. Perhaps your DH is a lazy bum. You should have tried making adjustments in these areas before pulling this option only to feel guilty and have your in laws feeling offended as well.

This is such horseshit. Close family can still ask each other what time the host would like others to arrive and then respect that. If you care about the host, that is what you do. You don’t just run roughshod over their needs and preferences based on your own preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

DP. Why are so hateful and malicious?

I am pretty sure MIL is asking the same thing about OP right now. I mean, who tells their DH's parents not to come to early on Christmas eve?

Someone who needs a little time to hem selves to prepare give everything she is doing to keep her family afloat. The guilty-tripping going on here over OP daring to take care of herself for a few hours is manipulative and abusive.

Now there are 2 kids in the house too. Nobody helps martyr OP get ready? 2 kids and a husband and she struggles mightily alone to prep for hours? She has way bigger problems than in-laws who want to come early on Christmas eve to spend time with kids and see them before dinner and off to bed,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

DP. Why are so hateful and malicious?

I am pretty sure MIL is asking the same thing about OP right now. I mean, who tells their DH's parents not to come to early on Christmas eve?

Someone who needs a little time to hem selves to prepare give everything she is doing to keep her family afloat. The guilty-tripping going on here over OP daring to take care of herself for a few hours is manipulative and abusive.

Now there are 2 kids in the house too. Nobody helps martyr OP get ready? 2 kids and a husband and she struggles mightily alone to prep for hours? She has way bigger problems than in-laws who want to come early on Christmas eve to spend time with kids and see them before dinner and off to bed,

Wow, you are a truly terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sunset today was at 451 pm. All it takes is traffic and you are arriving on the dark.

…so much traffic that it takes twice the usual time to get somewhere? That’s highly unusual.

Do you travel outside of DC? Live on the burbs and deal with 95 or 270. One accident will easily add 30 mins and there are daily accidents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

DP. Why are so hateful and malicious?

I am pretty sure MIL is asking the same thing about OP right now. I mean, who tells their DH's parents not to come to early on Christmas eve?

Someone who needs a little time to hem selves to prepare give everything she is doing to keep her family afloat. The guilty-tripping going on here over OP daring to take care of herself for a few hours is manipulative and abusive.

It's not guilt tripping; it's being practical and reasonable. Stop looking at life in terms of right or wrong/black and white. Two things can make sense at the same time.

Yes, OP deserves time to herself. Yes, OP needs to take care of herself. However, in laws can still be hurt by OP asking them to stop coming early, as they have done in the past.

If in laws are coming over earlier on Christmas eve, it's because they want to spend more time with OP and her family. They cherish the time. It does not matter that FIL is watching loud TV during this time. He enjoys being over there. It's normal and quite foreseeable for them to feel offended if OP does not want them before a certain time given that this has already been established. OP's children are 8 and 6, so they have been getting there early for years, I assume.

OP could have found other ways of getting what she wants: cook less, clean less, put DH to work; put in laws to work etc without resorting to this. Both parties could have been merry and cheerful this Christmas. Instead, OP is now feeling like crap(don't blame DCUM - she was feeling this way before she posted), and so are her in laws. It sounds like a lose-lose situation here.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think this thread has some good examples of the kind of selfish thinking going with your MIL. And as you can see, there is no amount of reasoning that will make people like that understand. They are selfish people devoid of compassion and empathy. Accept the fact that you can’t make your MIL be a kinder person and don’t let her manipulation and narcissism dissuade you from taking care of yourself. It is your a Christmas too and you deserve to enjoy it as much as anyone instead of sacrificing your well-being to satisfy their selfish whims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

DP. Why are so hateful and malicious?

I am pretty sure MIL is asking the same thing about OP right now. I mean, who tells their DH's parents not to come to early on Christmas eve?

Someone who needs a little time to hem selves to prepare give everything she is doing to keep her family afloat. The guilty-tripping going on here over OP daring to take care of herself for a few hours is manipulative and abusive.

Now there are 2 kids in the house too. Nobody helps martyr OP get ready? 2 kids and a husband and she struggles mightily alone to prep for hours? She has way bigger problems than in-laws who want to come early on Christmas eve to spend time with kids and see them before dinner and off to bed,

Wow, you are a truly terrible person.

You're really digging deep now. OP has a husband problem and has all along. Maybe the truth is hitting too close to home for you as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

It's not worth it. Just as you wish MIL would have said " thats totally fine, MIL wishes you would have asked her for help cooking .You need help prepping for Christmas. And instead of asking your FIL and MIL to chip in, you get rid of them while you are prepping. I can imagine your tone while you were going back and forth with them( yes, it's obvious from this statement about FIL watching loud TV while you are prepping).

It's unusual to tell close family members not to come too early. It's actually more common to ask them for help. In my family, everyone chips in with a meal or drinks or cleaning up,/prepping if they arrive when the food and hosts are not done.

Perhaps you are cooking more than you should. Perhaps your DH is a lazy bum. You should have tried making adjustments in these areas before pulling this option only to feel guilty and have your in laws feeling offended as well.

This is such horseshit. Close family can still ask each other what time the host would like others to arrive and then respect that. If you care about the host, that is what you do. You don’t just run roughshod over their needs and preferences based on your own preferences.

It's interesting how you phrased the bolded. Why not phrase it to say "host can ask". That's because deep down in you, you know that hosts rarely do insist on a particular time for Christmas/Christmas eve - if asked, they give one or suggests when food will be ready but they rarely insist on people coming over after a certain hour.

Additionally, in this case, there has alrleady been an established time - they have been arriving earlier for years. I wouldn't have responded the way her MIL responded.. However OP telling them to come later for her sanity(OP's words) after years of coming early is strange to them. They have no idea that OP had been putting up with them for years. They thought she enjoyed their presence there as much as they enjoyed being there.

But you are right: OP has the right to her preferences. However, she cannot make people feel the way she wants them to feel about her preferences, epecially given the way she presented them and that those preferences seem new. MIL will come around with time, but this particular Christmas will be awkward thanks to OP and MIL both putting their feelings first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

DP. Why are so hateful and malicious?

I am pretty sure MIL is asking the same thing about OP right now. I mean, who tells their DH's parents not to come to early on Christmas eve?

Someone who needs a little time to hem selves to prepare give everything she is doing to keep her family afloat. The guilty-tripping going on here over OP daring to take care of herself for a few hours is manipulative and abusive.

Agree! DCUM loves to attack though.