Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

No. Not at all. The person thought it was happy because they were being conned all along. It's like women who thought they found the perfect one, only to find out he drained the bank accounts. No difference. A fake happiness. I mean really it's best at some point to get them out of your lives.

You really don’t understand happiness nor do you understand infidelity.

You actually sound like an AP or former AP that just can’t fathom being happy and cheating and still have to convince yourself they are unhappy to live with the fact he stayed, dumped you and loves his wife.

DP but you sound like a betrayed wife who is really fooling herself and living with someone who has no true respect for her.

Nope. I just don’t live in a black and white world. But the AP comment was right on target I see.

I also know my spouse is human and hell maybe their was infidelity, maybe there will be in the future. Nobody has a crystal ball and I did not track their very move.

Yeah, nope, sorry to disappoint. I’m with the other poster. I would hope that “their” was no infidelity.

Okay so “you’re” AP dumped you are your sadness ooozes in your posts.

Good luck healing from that.

Oh, poor nasty thing. As inaccurate as you are vicious. Keep lashing out, it’s obviously your thing. You’ve attacked several different people here, no matter what you’re telling yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question here, my DH received oral sex three times over a one year period from an acquaintance. We went to therapy and reconciled but he is adamant that it was not an affair since there was not a deep emotional connection. I think sex and secrecy equals an affair. Am I wrong?

Your H is wrong.

I find it hard to believe he was the receiver and never 'gave' anything of himself to her. Did she really just blow him and never expect satisfaction herself now? I would lead with the assumption he reciprocated in some manner.

I had a friend in this situation. The married AP who was her boss would give her gifts, buy her nice dinners and lunches and she would reciprocate with oral but thought if nothing else sexual happened, it wasn’t cheating on her part. She was married too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question here, my DH received oral sex three times over a one year period from an acquaintance. We went to therapy and reconciled but he is adamant that it was not an affair since there was not a deep emotional connection. I think sex and secrecy equals an affair. Am I wrong?

Your H is wrong.

I find it hard to believe he was the receiver and never 'gave' anything of himself to her. Did she really just blow him and never expect satisfaction herself now? I would lead with the assumption he reciprocated in some manner.

I had a friend in this situation. The married AP who was her boss would give her gifts, buy her nice dinners and lunches and she would reciprocate with oral but thought if nothing else sexual happened, it wasn’t cheating on her part. She was married too.

Bill Clinton would prob agree with that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question here, my DH received oral sex three times over a one year period from an acquaintance. We went to therapy and reconciled but he is adamant that it was not an affair since there was not a deep emotional connection. I think sex and secrecy equals an affair. Am I wrong?

Your H is wrong.

I find it hard to believe he was the receiver and never 'gave' anything of himself to her. Did she really just blow him and never expect satisfaction herself now? I would lead with the assumption he reciprocated in some manner.

I had a friend in this situation. The married AP who was her boss would give her gifts, buy her nice dinners and lunches and she would reciprocate with oral but thought if nothing else sexual happened, it wasn’t cheating on her part. She was married too.

I am baffled when people get drawn into these arguments of was it or wasn't it an affair...dude's getting blown on the side and the issue is semantics?? Gtfo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question here, my DH received oral sex three times over a one year period from an acquaintance. We went to therapy and reconciled but he is adamant that it was not an affair since there was not a deep emotional connection. I think sex and secrecy equals an affair. Am I wrong?

Your H is wrong.

I find it hard to believe he was the receiver and never 'gave' anything of himself to her. Did she really just blow him and never expect satisfaction herself now? I would lead with the assumption he reciprocated in some manner.

I had a friend in this situation. The married AP who was her boss would give her gifts, buy her nice dinners and lunches and she would reciprocate with oral but thought if nothing else sexual happened, it wasn’t cheating on her part. She was married too.

I am baffled when people get drawn into these arguments of was it or wasn't it an affair...dude's getting blown on the side and the issue is semantics?? Gtfo.

The human mind is an amazing thing. To me if you need semantics to down play it, if you need to down play or justify it at all chances are really good you shouldn't be doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Serious question here, my DH received oral sex three times over a one year period from an acquaintance. We went to therapy and reconciled but he is adamant that it was not an affair since there was not a deep emotional connection. I think sex and secrecy equals an affair. Am I wrong?

Your H is wrong.

I find it hard to believe he was the receiver and never 'gave' anything of himself to her. Did she really just blow him and never expect satisfaction herself now? I would lead with the assumption he reciprocated in some manner.

I had a friend in this situation. The married AP who was her boss would give her gifts, buy her nice dinners and lunches and she would reciprocate with oral but thought if nothing else sexual happened, it wasn’t cheating on her part. She was married too.

I am baffled when people get drawn into these arguments of was it or wasn't it an affair...dude's getting blown on the side and the issue is semantics?? Gtfo.

As a woman, I cannot ever fathom entering an agreement like this. Holy sluttville. Wtf?

Even when I was young and had no $ and was just starting my career, I would not prostitute myself.

Who the h@ll are these women???

[Anonymous]

^and she was married too. Good god!

[Anonymous]

Wow! Stepped away and I appreciate you all giving me advice. In brief, we had what I thought was a healthy sex life (3-4x a week). He did not confess...the sister of the AP called me to tell me to keep DH away from the sister as it was ruining her life. I work and make a decent salary. I am in a tail spin and trying to keep it together for DCs. I would have told you just a bit ago that DH was awesome...devoted Dad and DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Stepped away and I appreciate you all giving me advice. In brief, we had what I thought was a healthy sex life (3-4x a week). He did not confess...the sister of the AP called me to tell me to keep DH away from the sister as it was ruining her life. I work and make a decent salary. I am in a tail spin and trying to keep it together for DCs. I would have told you just a bit ago that DH was awesome...devoted Dad and DH.

OP, ask him to move out and get a divorce. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

Beyond that..... the concept that kids can have a healthy home when mom is suffering from the emotional abuse of infidelity ..... lies, gaslighting, manipulation.... is really delusional. And, there is something very dysfunctional about kids growing up in an environment where what they see isn't matched by an acknowledgement from parents about what is really going on. This is very common in alcoholic families, where denial of reality is common. I recognized that it was happening to me and my kids when one day I was really despondent about my then DH's infidelity (I was finding new lies every day and living in a very unreal environment of constant lying). DD was maybe only 3 when she asked me what was wrong and why I was so sad. I wasn't crying but, even at her quite young age she could see my pain. But, of course, as mom's are always coached to do, I told her that nothing was wrong and I felt fine. That only teaches kids emotional dissonance -- what they see doesn't match the normal interpretation. It was then that I realized how unhealthy it was for me to stay with my cheating now Ex. My job in life is not to create some kind of Potemkin Village of a marriage. It is to teach them what is a healthy relationship. Now, a decade and a half later, I have to talk to my kids about healthy relationships and where to draw boundaries. I couldn't credibly do that if they didn't see me opting for an honest, healthy relationship and enforcing healthy boundaries and respect in my every day life.

This notion that a happy healthy home is just when you are not verbally openly fighting is wrong.

^Beyond this, I want to say.... [b]why is the woman who won't tolerate infidelity blamed for breaking up the marriage? The person who broke safety and security at home is the person who cheated.

Those arguments are the same as the arguments that have been used to keep women in abusive relationships since forever.

YES. Holy shit, this thread is crazy-making. Stop acting like women who leave infidelity are the bad guys here.

Yes! Thank you for saying this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

Beyond that..... the concept that kids can have a healthy home when mom is suffering from the emotional abuse of infidelity ..... lies, gaslighting, manipulation.... is really delusional. And, there is something very dysfunctional about kids growing up in an environment where what they see isn't matched by an acknowledgement from parents about what is really going on. This is very common in alcoholic families, where denial of reality is common. I recognized that it was happening to me and my kids when one day I was really despondent about my then DH's infidelity (I was finding new lies every day and living in a very unreal environment of constant lying). DD was maybe only 3 when she asked me what was wrong and why I was so sad. I wasn't crying but, even at her quite young age she could see my pain. But, of course, as mom's are always coached to do, I told her that nothing was wrong and I felt fine. That only teaches kids emotional dissonance -- what they see doesn't match the normal interpretation. It was then that I realized how unhealthy it was for me to stay with my cheating now Ex. My job in life is not to create some kind of Potemkin Village of a marriage. It is to teach them what is a healthy relationship. Now, a decade and a half later, I have to talk to my kids about healthy relationships and where to draw boundaries. I couldn't credibly do that if they didn't see me opting for an honest, healthy relationship and enforcing healthy boundaries and respect in my every day life.

This notion that a happy healthy home is just when you are not verbally openly fighting is wrong.

I just wanted to say good on you. You are right about everything. My mom chose to stay, she didn't want to break up the family, and despite the happy family front she/they tried to put on we kids knew something was up and impacted us. I don't blame my mom for doing what she did,. I do wish she had felt strong enough to realize what you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Stepped away and I appreciate you all giving me advice. In brief, we had what I thought was a healthy sex life (3-4x a week). He did not confess...the sister of the AP called me to tell me to keep DH away from the sister as it was ruining her life. I work and make a decent salary. I am in a tail spin and trying to keep it together for DCs. I would have told you just a bit ago that DH was awesome...devoted Dad and DH.

Get a divorce. Three years and this is how you’re finding out? A three year affair is basically a double life. And you know how many men would kill to sex with their wife 3-4 times a week in their forties or fifties (age I assume you are). Either spend a few months planning on how to go about it or kick him out of the house, it’s up to you. But since you make your own money, there’s no reason to stay with that level of betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Stepped away and I appreciate you all giving me advice. In brief, we had what I thought was a healthy sex life (3-4x a week). He did not confess...the sister of the AP called me to tell me to keep DH away from the sister as it was ruining her life. I work and make a decent salary. I am in a tail spin and trying to keep it together for DCs. I would have told you just a bit ago that DH was awesome...devoted Dad and DH.

I was in a similar situation and I’m divorcing but seriously don’t make any rash decisions. Also, you will coparent with him either way so he need counseling, you need counseling... individual not marriage I do think he should at a minimum move out for a month or two to give you space to think, breath, begin to heal.

This has nothing to do with you. Your H has issues he needs to work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

Maybe but rarely. Even unmarried guys will "hide" a girlfriend for a long period. Some people will just never be a girlfriend. There is something about them that "can't be shown".

Men pick very different APs than they do girlfriends. A girlfriend you love and want to show off, an AP is convenient and disposable.

But that is not your business OP the AP could have been any disposable person, this specific one is irrelevant.

This. It also depends on how often they saw each other and were in contact.

If it was once a month and not even every month that’s different. Were they in public?

My spouse had an affair that was sex 1-2 times and not every month. They would also have several months in a row where they didn’t see each other at all.

He would never be seen with her in public. Not somebody he ever saw a future with or would want as a girlfriend/wife.

It’s crazy they can compartmentalize.

You don’t need to make any decisions yet. Individual therapy for both of you first.

My DH had the same situation and we got through it but it still stings. We had issues in our relationship so I understand why he cheated but I don't condone it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Stepped away and I appreciate you all giving me advice. In brief, we had what I thought was a healthy sex life (3-4x a week). He did not confess...the sister of the AP called me to tell me to keep DH away from the sister as it was ruining her life. I work and make a decent salary. I am in a tail spin and trying to keep it together for DCs. I would have told you just a bit ago that DH was awesome...devoted Dad and DH.

Oh wow. I’m so, so sorry. That is devastating.

I think this is too big. I was a pp saying give it a chance, but I thought he confessed. I thought he was the one that ended the relationship. thought he felt remorse and confessed.

How old was the woman? Was she married? It’s crazy the sister had to intervene.

Please take care of yourself. The trauma from this is no joke.