Reply to Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.[/quote]

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first. [/quote]

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far?  Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter.  Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school?  [b]Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home[/b] or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.[/quote]

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone.  If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb.  Love and well-being of kids changes everything.[/quote]

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.[/quote]

Beyond that..... the concept that kids can have a healthy home when mom is suffering from the emotional abuse of infidelity ..... lies, gaslighting, manipulation.... is really delusional.  And, there is something very dysfunctional about kids growing up in an environment where what they see isn't matched by an acknowledgement from parents about what is really going on.  This is very common in alcoholic families, where denial of reality is common.  I recognized that it was happening to me and my kids when one day I was really despondent about my then DH's infidelity (I was finding new lies every day and living in a very unreal environment of constant lying).  DD was maybe only 3 when she asked me what was wrong and why I was so sad.  I wasn't crying but, even at her quite young age she could see my pain.  But, of course, as mom's are always coached to do, I told her that nothing was wrong and I felt fine.  That only teaches kids emotional dissonance -- what they see doesn't match the normal interpretation.  It was then that I realized how unhealthy it was for me to stay with my cheating now Ex.  My job in life is not to create some kind of Potemkin Village of a marriage.  It is to teach them what is a healthy relationship.  Now, a decade and a half later, I have to talk to my kids about healthy relationships and where to draw boundaries.  I couldn't credibly do that if they didn't see me opting for an honest, healthy relationship and enforcing healthy boundaries and respect in my every day life.

This notion that a happy healthy home is just when you are not verbally openly fighting is wrong. [/quote]

^Beyond this, I want to say.... [b]why is the woman who won't tolerate infidelity blamed for breaking up the marriage?  The person who broke safety and security at home is the person who cheated.

Those arguments are the same as the arguments that have been used to keep women in abusive relationships since forever.[/quote]

YES. Holy shit, this thread is crazy-making. Stop acting like women who leave infidelity are the bad guys here.[/quote]

Yes! Thank you for saying this.[/quote]

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