Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

No. Not at all. The person thought it was happy because they were being conned all along. It's like women who thought they found the perfect one, only to find out he drained the bank accounts. No difference. A fake happiness. I mean really it's best at some point to get them out of your lives.

You really don’t understand happiness nor do you understand infidelity.

You actually sound like an AP or former AP that just can’t fathom being happy and cheating and still have to convince yourself they are unhappy to live with the fact he stayed, dumped you and loves his wife.

NP here. Have you cheated, or been cheated upon?

I kissed my best friends boyfriend when I was 16, does that count.

Lol, yes you HARLOT

I actually still feel bad about it and she is still my good friend. Crap! I need to watch Brene Ted talk and get rid of that shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the sort of naive poster asking about how length of affair matters: if he’s madly trying to maintain contact for sex and seeks it more than a few times a year, isn’t that not forgivable? I’m confused by what actual therapists would recommend we take as evidence of feelings, because the DH is a lying liar!! And how can the same kind person be so monstrous that he can treat his skank like a skank and not like a real person??

Hey, sorry you’re dealing with this. I just want to say you should not believe anyone on this thread calling themselves a therapist...anyone can say that anonymously on the Internet. Please find yourself a qualified therapist to speak with. Hugs to you.

Isn’t that exactly what the therapist said. Don’t listen to these posts ... see a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the sort of naive poster asking about how length of affair matters: if he’s madly trying to maintain contact for sex and seeks it more than a few times a year, isn’t that not forgivable? I’m confused by what actual therapists would recommend we take as evidence of feelings, because the DH is a lying liar!! And how can the same kind person be so monstrous that he can treat his skank like a skank and not like a real person??

Hey, sorry you’re dealing with this. I just want to say you should not believe anyone on this thread calling themselves a therapist...anyone can say that anonymously on the Internet. Please find yourself a qualified therapist to speak with. Hugs to you.

Isn’t that exactly what the therapist said. Don’t listen to these posts ... see a therapist.

Haha I guess maybe what the “therapist” said? But yeah see an actual, real-life therapist if you’re having these marital issues!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

Beyond that..... the concept that kids can have a healthy home when mom is suffering from the emotional abuse of infidelity ..... lies, gaslighting, manipulation.... is really delusional. And, there is something very dysfunctional about kids growing up in an environment where what they see isn't matched by an acknowledgement from parents about what is really going on. This is very common in alcoholic families, where denial of reality is common. I recognized that it was happening to me and my kids when one day I was really despondent about my then DH's infidelity (I was finding new lies every day and living in a very unreal environment of constant lying). DD was maybe only 3 when she asked me what was wrong and why I was so sad. I wasn't crying but, even at her quite young age she could see my pain. But, of course, as mom's are always coached to do, I told her that nothing was wrong and I felt fine. That only teaches kids emotional dissonance -- what they see doesn't match the normal interpretation. It was then that I realized how unhealthy it was for me to stay with my cheating now Ex. My job in life is not to create some kind of Potemkin Village of a marriage. It is to teach them what is a healthy relationship. Now, a decade and a half later, I have to talk to my kids about healthy relationships and where to draw boundaries. I couldn't credibly do that if they didn't see me opting for an honest, healthy relationship and enforcing healthy boundaries and respect in my every day life.

This notion that a happy healthy home is just when you are not verbally openly fighting is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

No. Not at all. The person thought it was happy because they were being conned all along. It's like women who thought they found the perfect one, only to find out he drained the bank accounts. No difference. A fake happiness. I mean really it's best at some point to get them out of your lives.

You really don’t understand happiness nor do you understand infidelity.

You actually sound like an AP or former AP that just can’t fathom being happy and cheating and still have to convince yourself they are unhappy to live with the fact he stayed, dumped you and loves his wife.

DP but you sound like a betrayed wife who is really fooling herself and living with someone who has no true respect for her.

Nope. I just don’t live in a black and white world. But the AP comment was right on target I see.

I also know my spouse is human and hell maybe their was infidelity, maybe there will be in the future. Nobody has a crystal ball and I did not track their very move.

Yeah, nope, sorry to disappoint. I’m with the other poster. I would hope that “their” was no infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Stay or go - I'll tell you this.

You will NEVER EVER - not a day - not think of what he did with someone else.

I see the same poster in here going on and on about how a wonderful marriage can be wonderful again - the same betrayed wife who has decided to stay - the same one who needs so much validation to the point that they even answer their own posts...this is especially for you...

You can decide to stay, decide to forgive, decide to continue your marriage for whatever reasons you need to tell yourself - love, money, comfort, religion or whatever else. I promise you - you will never ever stop thinking of what your spouse did to you but especially what they were doing with the AP.

If you're okay with that - then by all means - stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

Beyond that..... the concept that kids can have a healthy home when mom is suffering from the emotional abuse of infidelity ..... lies, gaslighting, manipulation.... is really delusional. And, there is something very dysfunctional about kids growing up in an environment where what they see isn't matched by an acknowledgement from parents about what is really going on. This is very common in alcoholic families, where denial of reality is common. I recognized that it was happening to me and my kids when one day I was really despondent about my then DH's infidelity (I was finding new lies every day and living in a very unreal environment of constant lying). DD was maybe only 3 when she asked me what was wrong and why I was so sad. I wasn't crying but, even at her quite young age she could see my pain. But, of course, as mom's are always coached to do, I told her that nothing was wrong and I felt fine. That only teaches kids emotional dissonance -- what they see doesn't match the normal interpretation. It was then that I realized how unhealthy it was for me to stay with my cheating now Ex. My job in life is not to create some kind of Potemkin Village of a marriage. It is to teach them what is a healthy relationship. Now, a decade and a half later, I have to talk to my kids about healthy relationships and where to draw boundaries. I couldn't credibly do that if they didn't see me opting for an honest, healthy relationship and enforcing healthy boundaries and respect in my every day life.

This notion that a happy healthy home is just when you are not verbally openly fighting is wrong.

It reads like you made a great life for you and your kids. That is not easy, married or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

Beyond that..... the concept that kids can have a healthy home when mom is suffering from the emotional abuse of infidelity ..... lies, gaslighting, manipulation.... is really delusional. And, there is something very dysfunctional about kids growing up in an environment where what they see isn't matched by an acknowledgement from parents about what is really going on. This is very common in alcoholic families, where denial of reality is common. I recognized that it was happening to me and my kids when one day I was really despondent about my then DH's infidelity (I was finding new lies every day and living in a very unreal environment of constant lying). DD was maybe only 3 when she asked me what was wrong and why I was so sad. I wasn't crying but, even at her quite young age she could see my pain. But, of course, as mom's are always coached to do, I told her that nothing was wrong and I felt fine. That only teaches kids emotional dissonance -- what they see doesn't match the normal interpretation. It was then that I realized how unhealthy it was for me to stay with my cheating now Ex. My job in life is not to create some kind of Potemkin Village of a marriage. It is to teach them what is a healthy relationship. Now, a decade and a half later, I have to talk to my kids about healthy relationships and where to draw boundaries. I couldn't credibly do that if they didn't see me opting for an honest, healthy relationship and enforcing healthy boundaries and respect in my every day life.

This notion that a happy healthy home is just when you are not verbally openly fighting is wrong.

^Beyond this, I want to say.... why is the woman who won't tolerate infidelity blamed for breaking up the marriage? The person who broke safety and security at home is the person who cheated.

Those arguments are the same as the arguments that have been used to keep women in abusive relationships since forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

Beyond that..... the concept that kids can have a healthy home when mom is suffering from the emotional abuse of infidelity ..... lies, gaslighting, manipulation.... is really delusional. And, there is something very dysfunctional about kids growing up in an environment where what they see isn't matched by an acknowledgement from parents about what is really going on. This is very common in alcoholic families, where denial of reality is common. I recognized that it was happening to me and my kids when one day I was really despondent about my then DH's infidelity (I was finding new lies every day and living in a very unreal environment of constant lying). DD was maybe only 3 when she asked me what was wrong and why I was so sad. I wasn't crying but, even at her quite young age she could see my pain. But, of course, as mom's are always coached to do, I told her that nothing was wrong and I felt fine. That only teaches kids emotional dissonance -- what they see doesn't match the normal interpretation. It was then that I realized how unhealthy it was for me to stay with my cheating now Ex. My job in life is not to create some kind of Potemkin Village of a marriage. It is to teach them what is a healthy relationship. Now, a decade and a half later, I have to talk to my kids about healthy relationships and where to draw boundaries. I couldn't credibly do that if they didn't see me opting for an honest, healthy relationship and enforcing healthy boundaries and respect in my every day life.

This notion that a happy healthy home is just when you are not verbally openly fighting is wrong.

^Beyond this, I want to say.... [b]why is the woman who won't tolerate infidelity blamed for breaking up the marriage? The person who broke safety and security at home is the person who cheated.

Those arguments are the same as the arguments that have been used to keep women in abusive relationships since forever.

YES. Holy shit, this thread is crazy-making. Stop acting like women who leave infidelity are the bad guys here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay or go - I'll tell you this.

You will NEVER EVER - not a day - not think of what he did with someone else.

I see the same poster in here going on and on about how a wonderful marriage can be wonderful again - the same betrayed wife who has decided to stay - the same one who needs so much validation to the point that they even answer their own posts...this is especially for you...

You can decide to stay, decide to forgive, decide to continue your marriage for whatever reasons you need to tell yourself - love, money, comfort, religion or whatever else. I promise you - you will never ever stop thinking of what your spouse did to you but especially what they were doing with the AP.

If you're okay with that - then by all means - stay.

Okay lady?!?

So you think about what your H did with all previous partners.

Stay or go ... but this lady is cra cra.

[Anonymous]

OP just take the time to process. I ended up divorced but I think back now and am surprised that my first reaction was to kill him but not to leave. Trying to rethink my whole life was just too much to fathom initially. I focused on just fixing the existing one because before the cheating it seemed fine. To me. But it wasn't to him and ultimately we ended up divorced. I am happy now though I didn't think I would or could be and you can be too, no matter what you decide. Just take the time to process it all. And breathe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay or go - I'll tell you this.

You will NEVER EVER - not a day - not think of what he did with someone else.

I see the same poster in here going on and on about how a wonderful marriage can be wonderful again - the same betrayed wife who has decided to stay - the same one who needs so much validation to the point that they even answer their own posts...this is especially for you...

You can decide to stay, decide to forgive, decide to continue your marriage for whatever reasons you need to tell yourself - love, money, comfort, religion or whatever else. I promise you - you will never ever stop thinking of what your spouse did to you but especially what they were doing with the AP.

If you're okay with that - then by all means - stay.

Okay lady?!?

So you think about what your H did with all previous partners.

Stay or go ... but this lady is cra cra.

Don’t be a nasty bitch. You’re not at all cute.

PP, I hope you’re not in this kind of pain. My dad hurt my mom like this and I hope very much she does not think of this at this point.

[Anonymous]

OP, read the Chump Lady. Do at least that much before you make any decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay or go - I'll tell you this.

You will NEVER EVER - not a day - not think of what he did with someone else.

I see the same poster in here going on and on about how a wonderful marriage can be wonderful again - the same betrayed wife who has decided to stay - the same one who needs so much validation to the point that they even answer their own posts...this is especially for you...

You can decide to stay, decide to forgive, decide to continue your marriage for whatever reasons you need to tell yourself - love, money, comfort, religion or whatever else. I promise you - you will never ever stop thinking of what your spouse did to you but especially what they were doing with the AP.

If you're okay with that - then by all means - stay.

Okay lady?!?

So you think about what your H did with all previous partners.

Stay or go ... but this lady is cra cra.

Don’t be a nasty bitch. You’re not at all cute.

PP, I hope you’re not in this kind of pain. My dad hurt my mom like this and I hope very much she does not think of this at this point.

Oh daddy issues .. obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - there is no reason you should *try* to get over the affair

In fact, it's unhealthy of you to even consider that.
You need to get your children out of this situation, this farce of a marriage. That is the only course of action

Truly think it's highly irresponsible of you to do anything other than divorce. Now.

Years ago I would have advised the exact thing. However, I don't know her finances or health.

Either way she needs to sock money away and see a lawyer to get an idea of where she would stand upon divorce. Honestly, I would despise him after that and never have sex. The marriage is done, and dirtied by him and the W, but he may be the higher earner with the insurance and who knows what. I'd pretend to forgive him though to buy me time on what I want to do, or get myself in a better position. After that kind of betrayal you need to put yourself first.

In your little scenario, do you have kids that adore their father? Has it been a very happy childhood for them so far? Has there been no strife in the house or fighting--but a generally very happy family?

Even if you have your own career and health insurance--if you have kids you are going to research what is best for them and their ages matter. Would you allow for their whole world to be destroyed at a clutch developmental age ---say middle school? Would you forgive yourself if your young teen turned to depression and falling grades because your ego at the time trumped their safety and security at home or would you want to get along best you could until they were older?

The data on kids that experience divorce/infidelity is pretty compelling---and it continues throughout their lives.

I put my kids needs #1 and go from there...

Barring abuse, fights, etc., I would not disrupt a happy home to punish someone. If the betrayer was truly remorseful and very active in recovery, I would not toss out a 20-year marriage without giving it a try first..and I am someone that would have sworn up and down I would kick a cheater to the curb. Love and well-being of kids changes everything.

Aren’t you two arguing the same point?

FWIW, many children benefit from being in two happy, separate households instead of one miserable “intact” one. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true.

That's what you are MISSING. Many homes were incredibly happy prior to discovery. They can still be happy. One happy household is infinitely better than splitting them up and having them deal with that for the rest of their lives.

If it's a shitty, contentious marriage and unstable home life--by all means divorce. However, as Shirley Glass points out, infidelity can happen in great marriages and often does. Women that cheat are usually miserably unhappy, but men it is not the same.

No. Not at all. The person thought it was happy because they were being conned all along. It's like women who thought they found the perfect one, only to find out he drained the bank accounts. No difference. A fake happiness. I mean really it's best at some point to get them out of your lives.

You really don’t understand happiness nor do you understand infidelity.

You actually sound like an AP or former AP that just can’t fathom being happy and cheating and still have to convince yourself they are unhappy to live with the fact he stayed, dumped you and loves his wife.

DP but you sound like a betrayed wife who is really fooling herself and living with someone who has no true respect for her.

Nope. I just don’t live in a black and white world. But the AP comment was right on target I see.

I also know my spouse is human and hell maybe their was infidelity, maybe there will be in the future. Nobody has a crystal ball and I did not track their very move.

Yeah, nope, sorry to disappoint. I’m with the other poster. I would hope that “their” was no infidelity.

Okay so “you’re” AP dumped you are your sadness ooozes in your posts.

Good luck healing from that.